All Comments on 'The Book of Rai: SoH Ch. 01'

HV, this storyline promises to achieve an epic saga. Amorphous, a chaos of mayhem and lust, wildly intermixed with the perplexing paradoxes of (time traveling? // time altering?) disruptors.

I would say your imagineering, HV, promises to be unique. This first chapter takes the reader some effort to sort out the clues from the action. It remains to be seen if you can continue this level of writing skill.

Unsure of my opinion about this story, I checked your Authors page and see that all you have posted beside "The Book of Rai" are three poems over several years.

I noticed that The first poem, "On Dark Nights, Together" was a good effort but rather tepid and ordinary. Your second poem, "On Evening Train, A Passenger",, showed definite improvement in style but still lacked a personal touch.

That would show up in your third Poem, "By Fireside, A Lover". Truly, this is where you show your real strength as a writer. It is your skill at dialogue and inner-monologue that you excel.

This is what, in my opinion, makes "Book of Rai" a promise of superior inspiration and creativity. Strip out the dialog and inner-monologue and your story would lose it's unique flavor. Becoming just another fuck & suck, shoot-em up.

I am looking forward to future postings of your series. Take the time you need to create, craft takes determination and endurance.

Intriguing plot & characters, Interesting writing style, overall good grasp of English mechanics.

Noted several instances of homonym confusion. perhaps caused by the Autocorrect Gremlin:

taut /taught (different meanings)

wracking /racking (different meanings)

vertebra (singular) /vertebra (plural)

…and several others. They stand out because the rest of the text is very well written.

I like the story, but whats the deal with all the switching? Can you tighten it up in future chapters? I gave a 5 because I want to see more.

But I liked it. Looking forward to your next submission.

I just found it very confusing.

Feedback, especially constructive criticism, is my favorite thing in the world. What did you find confusing? I understand the structure is odd because the format I used in word didn't translate over to lit. I never figured out how to fix that. Was it the jumping between time frames? The third chapter will definitely unite the timelines. Every little bit helps.

I would say that I could enjoy the story if the sentences were much simpler. There are many bits and pieces that only serve to confuse the reader. Particularly paragraph 38-39 of page one, it goes from the woman sunbathings POV, straight into a memory, from what I can comprehend, of a skirmish between the "blades" and the "vanguard assassins." There was no clear cut transition or sign, i.e., I didn't know who's perspective I was looking from.

I believe you should focus on the sentance and how it affects the paragraph. Also consider the paragraphs and how they affect each other. I would suggest a Proofreader. Otherwise, the story appears to be quite interesting if not abit confusing. If you'd like futher feedback or to discuss your story indepth I'd be sport, my emails isidorebaner@gmail.com.

your time jumps or point of view changes are confusing as the previous comment stated. I would suggest editing a bit more since you tend to litter your sentences with commas and some other misspellings.

For me, I find the how everything is connecting confusing. maybe a bit mire history/background.

otherwise, I find your story has a certain eloquence that flows much like speaking the french language.