All Comments on 'The Cost Ch. 01'

and I have a couple of suggestions:

1. Put this installment in Non-Erotic because there is absolutely no sex in it. People that read the Gay Male category want at least some sex, otherwise they tend to vote a story down.

2. You might consider using shorter, more frequent paragraphs for easier readability.

Otherwise, I think this might make a good series. The next segment will be the "defining chapter."

I hope you keep going with this story. Even though this is your first story I think it is a wonderful beginning. I can't wait to read the next chapter. Good luck!

KISSES,

Angel ;)

Now that Anne has started a new chapter in her life, feel free to take over. Very comfortable read. Felt like I was reading her latest. Hope you see that as a compliment.

Congrats on a first effort. I look forward to more.

Great story, I hope you continue, and I think you’re fine in your category. It lets people know what your story is going to be about, and some may not have read it otherwise. Personally, I like a story with some sex, not sex with some story, so it’s not everyone.

–Dominic

I enjoyed chapter 1 and I am in favor of long paragraphs; I have always had that tendency myself.

I enjoyed the start of your story. Well written, liked the bit of supernatural twist. {Am a big fan of Highlander} Keep it coming, can't wait for more. John.

I love the story so far and cant wait to read more, as for the coment about puting this in non-erotic you could but novel world work well to. But eaither way I can tell you that as a straight girl you dont need to be gay to enjoy this story. So keep up the good work and I am deffinatly a fan in the making.

~Jessica

I don't know yet if he's a vampire, or, as another commentor mentioned an Immortal, either way, you have an excellent start here. Keep it going.

I enjoyed it. The narrative that you started towards the end of the chapter showed a lot of your characters personality better than your introduction to the story. I liked it. I'm a bit confused though is he a vampire? Or is he just immortal?

There's mystery in your story—as to what exactly Paul is, since you have not described attributes from the usual suspects of supernatural; there's wit and humour and good dialogue; there's a plot emerging, although I'd like to see it deepen by adding additional characters and plotlines belonging to thrm that interweave with the main plotline. It is a good beginning and you have a lot of natural talent for storytelling :) some general pieces of advice I give to all new writers:

• don't change your 'voice'—ie. don't change the language you use simply because you're writing something instead of speaking (my personal pet peeves are: "he let out a sigh", "…at the sight of…"—people just don't talk like that! Say "he sighed" and "…when he saw…");

• vary your sentence structure—"He did this. He did that. He thought this while he felt that…" shows a laziness, lack of imagination or lack of experience;

• keep point of view consistent, keep it separate if using third person POV;

• learn grammar all over again: it is the tool you use to tell your story the way you want it told;

• watch pacing: don't rush and don't drag;

• when writing sex scenes (or any scene, for that matter), remember that people don't just act, they also think, feel and remember. An historical play-by-play of sex that simply lays out what happened from moment to moment can be clinical and passionless; sex scenes are brought to life when the thoughts and feelings of the characters are woven in. Also, try to be a little different in sex and steer away from crude or unrealistic language;

• create a world first and all the people in it, then decide how much of that 'world' you're going to reveal to others—think of yourself as a journalist of your world and if you've done all the background work properly, your story will tell itself :)

Now, I think you've done pretty well at instinctively following most of those points of advice; but knowing the why behind those instincts will help you be a much better writer :) no, on to the next chapters…

Great stuff!!