The Devil's Gateway

"Is that what you do with your present friends—have sex, I mean."

"I have. All of the girls in our group are fantastic people, but I don't love any of them as anything but friends, and I'm pretty sure they all feel that way about me. And, no, I haven't had sex with all of them."

She looked a bit distraught, unsure.

"I must seem like such a ninny to you. I mean it when I say that this is all new to me, but I know it's what I want, who I am. Will you forgive me my ignorance, Penny? I hate that I'm this way with you, but..."

"It's fine with me. Don't worry about it. Friends!—remember?," I smiled.

"Yes, friends. I remember. Thanks. I still feel so lost, so unfamiliarly lost."

* * * *

It ended fairly soon after that. We'd about beat it to death, and Caryn was feeling mixed up. Why? I mean, what did happen within her. I knew things could get rough with some because of church, or home, or often, both. It was both with Caryn. I talked with her again on the phone when I was home. Though it was a little strained, it was good. She was more than interested in me; we'd connected in some magical way, but we needed to find more magic, a stronger magic to fight her demons.

The next day, we talked on the phone again. Caryn seemed glad that I'd called.

"I thought maybe you might not."

"Why, Caryn? There's something between us, and we both know it. Besides, you're good as a friend. You have an honesty that reminds me of Sally and Ariel. The other friends are pretty honest, and I trust them, but not like I do Sally and Ariel, and I sense that about you too."

"I'm glad. I sense you that way too. You're patient with me, and I know that I'm so mixed up inside, and I'm grateful. What if I'd met someone who wasn't like you, and pushed me, and I'd gotten confused, and...and..." she left off finishing.

I thought I knew what she was about to say. What if someone had pushed her, and she was made to feel that it's how it had to be, and had let someone make love to her when she really didn't want it, or wasn't sure? Yeah, I knew, and I was glad I wasn't that way with her, that I was there for Caryn as she needed. Even my pussy seemed to go along with my thinking.

Chapter 4

Sure enough, time was our friend, our ally. We talked every night during the week, and were getting on easier with each other. Caryn was more comfortable in talking with me, and told me a few more tidbits about how she was raised, and how she kept quiet about how she felt about other girls. It was difficult to make yourself not look at a pretty girl, push thoughts away from your mind when you wanted to think of kissing someone, but the church said it wasn't right, not God's way, and it was a sin to even think that way. My understanding of her life was growing, and I knew I had a battle going that was much worse than I could ever imagine.

She had two brothers and two sisters, and she was next to last in age, one brother being younger. All were of the straight world, her two older sisters had been pretty much boy crazy, or as boy crazy as their religion permitted, not to mention their parents.

"They seldom asked why I didn't date, thank goodness. Yes, I did go to the junior and senior prom with a boy, but it was with a safe boy, one who was fearful of doing or saying anything wrong. He was from our church, so I knew him well, knew he wouldn't be too forward if he sensed I didn't want it. Other than that, I didn't go out with anyone. He mildly tried to ask me out, but when I started to make excuses, he quit right away. I hated to use him like that, but I didn't know what else to do."

And so it went. In college, it was easier for her, though many guys tried to date her, and more persistently. There were no safe 'church' boys in college. On Thursday, she said okay to me picking her up and going to the club the next night. That had my heart floating on air, breathing of love's essence rather than drinking of it, but that was okay by me. The thought of Caryn wouldn't leave my mind, nor my heart that yearned for her.

* * * *

"Thank you for taking me," she said, ready to go when I rang her door bell.

"My pleasure, I assure you," I gallantly said with a smile.

Once in The Kitten's Korner, Ariel waved at us quickly. Her hug and kiss were sincere, and effusive. It wasn't much different for me either. That was Ariel. Sally looked on in approval, as did the others, who all greeted us in similar manner, just not as Ariel did. No one else could be or act as Ariel could.

"I'm so glad you came," Ariel said to both of us, but I knew she meant Caryn.

"I'm glad too. This is nice, a good place with so many wonderful friends."

Those wonderful friends pushed their friendship, but not badly so, but enough to ask Caryn to dance after we'd danced a few. Caryn was a very light drinker, sipping on a glass of wine for the longest time.

"I think some of the others are glaring at me," I tried to make Caryn even more at ease.

"Why would they do that?"

"They'd like to dance more with you, and figure if it wasn't for me, they'd get a chance to do so more often. You are beautiful, you know, and a super nice person."

That did it. She blushed happily at my saying that, and put her cheek next to mine as we danced.

"You're making me feel so good, Penny. Thank you. Please keep being patient with me."

"I will. Hey, we've only known each other for a week now. Tell me that in a few months, okay?"

"A few months? Will it take that long?" she did her best to be light with me.

"Maybe not. I hope not. Then again, maybe you'll see someone else. Who knows?" I said, wishing immediately that I hadn't.

"She'd have to be pretty special," Caryn whispered huskily, making my heart palpitate.

* * * *

For the next couple of months, only one thing had changed, and that was that we were an item, together, though not as either of us wanted. We hadn't said anything to each other yet, but it was there. I'd gone to her apartment some weekends, and she'd been to my house twice before. Our togetherness was mild kissing, Caryn mostly stopping us before it got too bad in her from both directions.

It was hell for me. I'd look at her gorgeous face, note how her freckles mixed and melded with her skin over her nose, on her cheeks, and some down near to her throat and further down. The swell of her breasts would make my pussy itch without touching her, and when we did touch, I'd hear it cry out in agony. I was aching for Caryn, and though she didn't say it, I sensed she was aching for me. Our yearning was mutual.

Then she was at my house after we'd gone to the club; she'd picked me up as we sometimes swapped who would take whom. We'd left a little early so we could spend some time alone. We were well into cuddling, which I loved, and we'd pull away for a quick kiss to temper our feelings. The problem was that they tempered them exactly long enough for our passions to swap place with the tempering, and we'd burn, and suffer, but with a certain joy. We were together, we knew it, and so did our hearts. In a way, I marveled at how I was, but in another way, there was no other way I'd have it for I knew I loved Caryn and wanted to be with her forever. I had to be patient and not ruin what very well might come to pass for both of us.

"How long can we continue like this, Penny? We're in love. I know we are, and I know you haven't said anything to keep from pushing me. That's been very sweet of you, but I feel it too. God, how I feel it. I want us to make love, to be together, but every time I feel it, my mind goes berserk on me, and drowns all of my feelings with guilt. I can't go on like this, and I know I'll not stop being with you. I won't, I won't, damn it."

That was the first time she said anything like a cuss word.

"I do love you, Caryn. I love you so much that my heart and mind ache for you just as my pussy does," I was bluntly honest, but lovingly so.

"I wish I could bring myself to kiss your pussy, I feel so bad for it," she stifled a small laugh. It broke the tension momentarily. Another new bit of openness Caryn permitted herself.

"My pussy just said 'Thank you' with a mild gush," I added to our moment, both of us laughing. "Tell me, do you ever get past your mind to where your pussy talks to you?"

It might have been pushing it, talking like that to Caryn, but I felt the moment allowed for it, that she understood, and it was all right.

"It tries, I think. No, it does, but I shut it off, or my guilt does. Still, I know I get wet with the want of you. Sometime soon we're going to have to do something, but I don't want my guilt coming out and making you feel bad about making love to me, and maybe killing our love. I couldn't take that, I don't think. I just couldn't." That was as openly honest as a person could be, and my heart swelled at her talking that way with me, being comfortable enough to speak to me with her heart.

Somehow we must have subconsciously made up our minds not to say anything more in that vein. We did enjoy some deeper kisses, and closer cuddling. Caryn felt so good to me that if it hadn't been for our pussies being so demanding, I sensed I would be able to control myself and be content with simply holding her.

* * * *

As was our way now, we talked each night on the phone, and sometimes met for lunch on our lunch breaks. Right off, Caryn got the idea to make sandwiches for us so we could have more time alone instead of standing in line to place our orders.

"I talked with my mother," Caryn said suddenly, seriously. "The sister next in age to me, Angie, she's having another baby. They all have families, and my mother is wanting to know when I'll be getting married and start one. I had such a hard time not knowing what to say, I was feeling my guilt so much," she said with a far away sadness that wasn't far away at all.

"I'm sorry, honey. Wish I could tell you something so you won't be feeling so bad."

"Penny, all I wind up doing is loving you more and more, and wishing we could be together," she said, her tone dejected, not to mention her face.

For a minute I didn't know what to say, but then there was something.

"What do you say that after we go to the club, you spend the night with me. You can put your overnight case in the car, along with some pajamas, and lets see how you feel."

"Won't that kill you, Penny? I mean, I know the guilt will pop up again, and..."

"We'll see. And if it does, so what? Maybe in time it'll get used to the idea that we're in love no matter what that preacher said, or what the guilt tries to lay on you. Let's try it, honey. It's our life and love, and we have to fight for it."

She considered that, then I saw her back straighten up. "Yes. Let's do that then. You're right, we have to try, and if it doesn't work, we'll just try again—if you can take it, that is," she ended with a worried look.

"It would be worth it for you, and yes, I'll make it. I do love you so much, Caryn. You know I do."

"And I love you too, my beautiful love."

Park, or no park, public, or not public, we shared a soft and tender kiss that had us sighing. It was only when we broke it that we looked around, and saw no one that seemed to have noticed it, then looked at each other and laughed, Caryn's face mildly flushed.

* * * *

While we were at the club, Ariel asked me to dance. We'd danced before, but not lately. When she did, I knew she had something on her mind.

"Honey, you're doing the right thing; you both are. Caryn has been talking to me, and I can't think of anything better for you two than what you suggested. Stay patient with her though, Penny; she's worth it. She's so worth it, honey."

I knew they talked, and frankly, I was glad. There were no better friends than Sally and Ariel.

"Thanks, and you better believe I'll stay patient even if it kills me, or even if my pussy commits suicide. I love that girl something fierce, and can't stop thinking of her," I said even as Ariel laughed at the thought of my pussy committing suicide, I was sure.

"You're nuts, you know, but you're such a sweet person. Sally knows how to pick friends." If Ariel said it, it had to be true.

"And so do you, you stinker," I said.

"Yeah, I don't do too bad, huh?" We both chuckled at that, and before we went back after the tune was finished, I kissed her cheek. She hoped and prayed we'd make it, Caryn and I, that is. I know she did.

Chapter 5

"Do you want to take a shower?" I asked.

"Yes, I think I should at least be fresh for you."

"I'll wait out here till you're done, okay?"

"Ca—can't we at least see each other?" she asked, both hoping and fearful at the same time.

"Do you think we should?"

"No, I guess not. I'd be tempting you too much, wouldn't I?"

"Maybe that's what you subconsciously wanted to do. If so, it's a good sign that something in you is pushing back at those horrible habits they put in you."

"You know, I think you may be right," she said after she'd considered it a moment.

I left, and in twenty minutes she was finished, and combing her hair out. Caryn was radiant! And sexy, too! And gorgeous, and I had to quit looking, and pushed further thoughts out. Caryn left with her comb, and left the bathroom for me. I took my shower too, as well as washing my hair, then put on my panties and over sized sleep shirt.

"How's your hair?" I asked.

"Pretty good. Need a little help with yours, since I'm done?"

"Yeah. Sorry I didn't help with yours. Should have pulled out the dryer and done that before I showered."

"Nervous?" she teased with a smile that was more than brave.

"Maybe. How can I not be, huh?"

Caryn's pajamas looked new, and they fit her fairly snugly. I quit looking again, and slapped my mind for noticing how curvaceous she was. When Caryn finished combing my hair out, we looked at each other, and like two prisoners unjustly found guilty, we sighed somewhat sadly and went to bed. We were very circumspect in how we got under the sheet, a light blanket folded at the end of the bed in case we felt we needed it.

It was so strange the way we stayed apart from each other. We were too stiff, too anxiety filled. At last, no words having been spoken yet, Caryn broke the silence.

"Do yo—you think we'd be okay if I laid next to you."

"I hope so cause I know that's what I'd love to have you do."

Caryn wiggled her way to my side, but we exploded. It was too much for us. She came to me at the same time I reached out for her, and we kissed. It was our first deep kiss, and it was torrid. We moaned, sighed into our mouths, licked our lips, and lightly allowed our tongues to play with each other. It was too much, too soon, and Caryn pulled her lips from mine, but she wouldn't move away from me.

My pussy was crying real tears, and bitching at me like it had never done before. Caryn laid her head on my shoulder and cried. I let her, held her, caressed her arm and back, and wanted to cry with her. How I kept from it was something I didn't even wonder about, I just didn't do it, but my heart was very heavy with love for my beautiful Caryn.

"I felt like running," she said sadly, "then I nearly went to my side away from you, but I can't move, my love, I can't. Now that I'm here with you, I don't want to leave you, and I hate that I can't bring myself to do more with you, for you, for us. Please forgive me, my love. Please," she quietly wailed and soaked my shirt, but I didn't care. She was here, and I didn't want her to leave either.

"I'm glad you didn't move away, hon. Damn it, I'm so crazy about you. Stay with me period if you'd like to. We'll make it somehow no matter what. We'll beat those damned demons they put in you. Somehow we will, I promise."

My voice was strained, every word meant as I said it, but I knew that I had no idea how to fight her demons, and that saddened me, and worse, there was no way I could let her know how sad it made me to feel this damned impotence.

"Will you hold me?" she asked with a little girl's plea.

"I'll hold you all night if you'll let me," I said, and kissed the top of her head.

As I did that, she kissed my tear soaked breast. The sweetness that flooded me was like nothing else in its beauty. The spontaneousness of it gave me sensations so amazingly perfect, making my body say thank you silently to Caryn. All I could do was to pull her hard against my breast.

In a way, it was all magical. We were together, and that satisfied her into sleep, a sleep that I hoped would bring her dreams of fulfillment, of love, of loving to be with me. When I sensed Caryn had gone to sleep, I cried, but with my head turned so my tears wouldn't be felt by her. It was uncomfortable to my neck after a while, but it was a discomfort I bore gladly.

* * * *

"Good morning," Caryn said, her face having an angelic smile on it.

"Good morning. I hope you slept good."

"You know, I think I did. Maybe I was so worn out, and your breast so comforting to me, that it knocked me out. Do you think my mind decided that I had part of what I really want, and told me to hush and enjoy it like a good little girl, and maybe I'd get more?"

I had to laugh. Caryn smiled beatifically. I kissed her forehead, not daring to kiss her lips until I'd washed my mouth out, though I wanted to. We did hug, and enjoyed that little bit of heaven we gave ourselves, then got up, and did our morning ablutions. Getting dressed separately, I made us some coffee, then we both made breakfast. It felt marvelous having Caryn with me as we were, and knew I could truly be this way with her forever.

Forever lasted through Sunday. Caryn had at least broken through to allow herself to enjoy being with me in bed, and quickly made herself at home in my arms and breast, even kissing it once again before sleeping. I suffered, but gladly, at least for the moment, contented that we'd come as far as we had. Had I ever thought that I would be as I was with Caryn, I would have thought myself crazy, but I knew I loved Caryn so much that I would do whatever it took to keep her love, and to free her to love me as we both wanted her to.

* * * *

Though we had to part, and we hated doing so, yet we were happy. I took Caryn to her apartment, and stayed as long as I could, but we were easy with each other as we'd not been before. We even made our dinner there, then cuddled, and kissed several times without Caryn having any qualms assailing her. We were winning—I hoped.

Later that week, Caryn told me that Ariel had called her. She'd heard about a class on the bible, and it wasn't to convert anyone to a church. Indeed, it was the opposite. It was geared to lesbians, and taught by a lesbian, and it would start a new session on Saturday in the early afternoon.

"Penny, can we go? I mean, will you go with me?" she asked anxiously.

"Sure, if you think it might help you. You know I will, honey."

She told me more of what Ariel had told her about it, and though Ariel hadn't gone to it, she believed it was a good class, word having been passed to her by a trusted friend. It was hope, but I didn't let it get away with me.

"I'll try anything to rid myself of these feelings, Penny. We can't go on living as we are. Sweet though it's been it will take a toll later, and I don't want it to if I can help it."

"Let's do it. You know where, and the time?"

"Yes. There's no registering, just show up, and if you like it, keep going."

"How long does it last, both in session length, and in weeks? Do you know?"

"It's supposed to last about five weeks, or so, and they're two hour class times. She's had them at least a couple of times; the lady that teaches them, that is."

* * * *

At the club Friday night, Caryn was anxiously hopeful the whole time we were there, and so was Ariel, wouldn't you know it?

"Maybe we should have thought to go, Ariel's been so hyper about you two going. She should have been a matchmaker," Sally said not at all unkindly; her smile told me that, as well as how she said it.