tagHumor & SatireThe Dubious Dictionary: Ad-Ag

The Dubious Dictionary: Ad-Ag

byMathGirl©

A collection of arcane and under-appreciated words for the edification, education, and entertainment of the reader. Definitions are included, along with clarification. Also, the word is used in a sentence, where appropriate, to indicate its proper usage in everyday language.

NOTE: An asterisk (*) following a definition indicates that the word and definition are factual and may be found in any good 40 pound dictionary. A less formal approach is taken with other words, and notes are included by the editor (Ed.) for clarification. Also, strict alphabetization is avoided to minimize the possibility of apseudoinhedescense

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ACROTELEUTISM: Disinterest in anything that cannot be eaten, fucked, or urinated on. A defining characteristic of male canines. A condition commonly seen among men in eastern Arkansas.

ACRE-BREATH: A type of halitosis in which the breath smells like soil freshly treated with natural fertilizer. Common among pea farmers of eastern Arkansas.

ACLINOMETER: An instrument used for measurement of the angle of a penile erection. Readings on the aclinometer scale range from 1 to 10. One is referred to as a "wet noodle," five a "woody," and ten a "blue-veined diamond cutter."

ACULOFORM: Shaped like an anus. A common design used in elegant Mexican silver and turquoise jewelry. From the Spanish "Culo"-A chocolate starfish in the boxeadors.

ACRITOCROMANISM: The characteristic callous found on the thumb of chronic masturbators. "Onan's thumb" (qv). The callous is usually of a red-purple color and shaped like a profile of Liberace smoking a cigar.

ACROTIMATION: The traditional Hawaiian cure for hemorrhoids. An unlubricated pineapple is slowly inserted into the rectum then briskly withdrawn. From the Polynesian "Acrohuahua"-Bunch of grapes in the ass, and "Timahuahua"-Bad owwie under the sarong.

ADAMATISM: Nudity for religious reasons *. Ritual practiced by a now extinct subculture of Eskimos.

ADDORSE: In heraldry, turned back to back*. E.g. "A flaming sword, scales of justice, lion rampant, and hippos addorse."

ADELPHOGAMY: Sharing of a wife between two or more brothers*. Common practice in areas of Scotland where sheep are scarce.

ADENOTOMY: Removal or excision of a gland*. The definition has had unfortunate consequences when autistic surgeons thought the word was "glans."

ADIPOSINATION: Method for removal of fatty tissue in the obese. A concentrated solution of potassium hydroxide (lye) is injected into the fat deposit, then the subject jumps up and down vigorously. Theoretically, saponification and mobilization of the lipoidal tissue occurs, and it goes away. Only extremely hardy and/or desperate subjects return for repeat procedures.

ADDAX: One who affectionately handles feces. A turd fondler.

ADOCRACY: An organization with little or no structure*. The Author's Hangout.

ADECIDUATE: To drink one's own urine. A tasty, refreshing, and cost effective alternative to sugar-laden carbonated beverages. ADEEM: To cancel a bequest by destruction of the object*. E.g. "Gol dangit, Son, you're my only heir, but I jist cain't stand the thought of you fuckin' my favorite sheep. Goodbye, Ewegenia." Bang!

ADHARMA: The feeling that the world has just fallen out of one's bottom.

ADIAPNEUSTIA: defective perspiration*. E.g. "No, we're not downwind from a hog farm, Leo. It's my adiapneustia. You see,I have defective sweat, and it just naturally smells like pig shit. Here's my phone number; I hope we can see each other again." How the hell did such a stupid word ever get into the language? Of what possible use is it?(I think the word is useless and dumb, and I intend to boycott it permanently. I strongly suggest that readers do the same. Ed.).

Adiathermancy: The trimming of nose hairs by burning them with a lit match. Not generally considered a sign of superior intellect. Except in eastern Arkansas, of course.

ADNOMINATION: Punning*. An abomination in all languages and cultures. A capital offense in more advanced society.

ADJUTAGES: Nozzles*. E.g. "Hot damn, Elmer! Lookie at the adjutages on Lena Sue. Shore like to put ma face atween them babies an' go 'bubabubabuba.'"

ADMINICLE: An athletic supporter designed for a person with three buttocks. See "Abomism."

ADONISE: To adorn oneself*. Refers especially to exaggeration of secondary sexual characteristics by use of codpieces, padded bras, kielbasa-stuffed speedos, etc.

ADOSCULATION: Impregnation by contact alone or by wind*. E.g. "Honest, Daddy, it was adosculation. I musta got it offen some damn toilet seat."

ADJUTOR: One who condemns or criticises someone who thinks he/she is better than others. E.g. "Huh. That damn Oola. Jist 'cause she got hersef a opposable thumb, she thanks she's some kinda hot shit. Wal, I'll tellya, Ooma, that ain't goin' nowheres, evolution-wise.

ADNASCENT: A navel commonly characterized as an "outie." From the Latin "Adna"-Belly button, and "Scentio"-Something you can hang your coat on.

ADOXOGRAPHY: 1. Good writing on a trivial subject*. Something occasionally encountered at Lit.com. 2. The graphing of an adox.

ADSCITITIOUS: Never mind the definition. The word is included here because the editor likes the sound. Try saying it out loud. It sort of tickles the mouth. Ed.

ADROGATION: Legal adoption of an immature ewe. Commonly done by single men in parts of Scotland. A tradition developed to avoid bloodshed over an exceptionally comely sheep when she reaches maturity.

ADUMBRATE: In Arkansas, a supportive device for the privy seat which prevents a skinny child from sliding through into the pit.

ADVOWSON: The practice of elderly men sleeping in back pews during church services. E.g. "Shit, Evelyn, it wouldn't seem like a complete church service without Uncle Pewsey asnorin' back there. Warn't thet a hoot when little Lester stole his dentures durin' the sermon?"

AEGROTAT: Medical certificate of illness excusing a student from class*. In Arkansas, a 23 year old seventh grader is often granted an aegrotat while recovering from a vasectomy.

AEOLIAN: The type of high-pitched musical passing of wind which is extremely annoying to cats.

ADVESPAERATE: To be noisily flatulent during an evening religious service.

ADVOCAAT: A liqueur containing rum and raw eggs*. In addition to being extremely unpalatable, Advocaat has a well-earned reputation for causing intense hangovers compounded by voluminous, foul smelling diarrhea. It is consumed in vast quantities by Norwegians.

ADACTYLIRECTIZATION: A request for the removal of a finger from the anus during intercourse. E.g: "Roy, I'd shore 'preciate you takin' thet fanger a yourn outta there."

"Why fer, Phoebe? It's ma fanger ..................... ma asshole, too."

AEONIAN: Lasting for an immeasurably long period of time*. Often used to describe lectures in organic chemistry or discussions of the Hanseatic League.

ADYTUM: The chancel area of a church or temple*. The place where young boys are sometimes instructed in the art of sodomy.

AEGILOPS: The yearning glances cast by an ewe in estrus. Reputed to be irresistible to most New Zealanders.

AEROGENEOLOGY: The study of the origin of intestinal gasses. A productive area of research which has resulted in the discovery of such modern miracle drugs as Gas-X and Beano.

AEROLITHOLOGY: The study of the forcible propulsion of stones from the anus of livestock by the pressure of intestinal gasses. A medieval area of weapons research which, fortunately, was cut short by the invention of gunpowder.

AESOPIAN: Conveying meaning only to those in a secret movement*. E.g. The furtive 'pumping fist' motion used by a member of the Sons of Onan to identify himself to others in the society.

AERUGO: A characteristic green staining of the trousers as an after-effect of drinking Advocaat (qv).

AFFLATUS: Inspiration; divine impetus*. Sounds like something quite different, doesn't it? (Ed.)

AFFORCE: To strengthen a jury by adding skilled people*. A courtroom tactic used by Johnny Cochran in the defense of a client who is obviously guilty.

AFFIANCE: Scot. To make a promise of marriage to a young ewe.

AEROPHOBIA: Irrational fear of suffocation by inhalation of flatus. Fear of farts and/or farting. E.g. "Hay! Y'all go outside when ya rip one a them thangs, Joe Willie. Fartin' gives me the hebrew jeebies. Ya knows damn well I gots bad aerophobia."

AFFREAUX: Hair style popular amongst African-Americans in the 1970s.

AFFRONTE: In heraldry, two animals facing one another*. E.g. "A flaming sword, the scales of justice, a lion rampant, and hippos affronte." See also: Accost, Addorse.

AFFRICATE: consonant that begins as a plosive and ends as a fricative*. Now, what more can possibly be said on the subject? (Should anyone have any idea what this means, please keep it to yourself. Ed.)

AFFABULATION: To concoct a fable. From the Latin: "Affa"-To lie, and "Bulatum-"Through one's teeth." A courtroom tactic used by Johnny Cochran in defense of a client who is obviously guilty.

AESTHETICISM: Doctrine that beauty is central to other moral principles*. E.g. "Gorsh, Otis, I'll shore vote fer her. Looks like she could suck start a Harley. Haw haw."

AFTERINGS: Last milk drawn when milking a cow*. E.g. "Lem, ol' Bossie's aholdin' out on us again. Hadta beat the last coupla quarts of afterings outa her."

AGAMOGENESIS: Reproduction by non-sexual means*. E.g. "Gol darnit, Daddy. I tole ya before, it was agamogenesis. I musta picked it up from some damn toilet seat. Shit, mebbe a gusta wind done blowed it up ma dress. Naw, I ain't been playin' hide the salami with Leon."

AGAPE: Selfless, nonsexual love*. E.g. "Yeah, Mabel, I'm still kinda fonda the old fart. 'Course he ain't been interested in nuthin' but his damn sheep since the Carter administration."

AGAPEISTIC: Churchwomen who live platonically with celibate men*. Umm ... okay ... sure. (Ed.)

AGASTOPIA: Admiration of part of another's body*. E.g. "Damn, Mildred, thet carbuncle in the middle a Jasper's forehead is the biggest I ever seen. I done seen some damn bigguns, too, in my career as a boil squeezer. Whoooieee! I'd shore liketa git thet baby atween ma fangernails."

AGAMIST: One who opposes marriage*. E.g. "Aww, piss off, Mary Lou. I was jist the caboose in that there train ya pulled a coupla months ago."

AGENOCRATIA: Opposition to birth control*. E.g. "Dang it, Floydette, I don't wanna git ya pregnant, either. But me beatin' off inta a sock while you use a baseball bat jist ain't ma idear of marital relations."

AFTERPIECE: The portion of the bowel movement which occurs after one thinks it is finished. Usually after one has left the privy.

AGIST: To take in to graze for payment*. E.g. "Okay, Jim Bob, I'll let yer sheep graze ma back forty fer free. Me and the boys git ewe priviliges."

AGATHODAIMON: A boy who is a "special friend" to a vicar, priest, or Michael Jackson. Traditional "sleepover" uniform is drop-seat long underwear.

AGENNESIC: Sterile; impotent*. E.g. "Hay, Doris, ya wanna go bowlin' tonight? Thet damn Louie done gone all agennesic on me again. Ole basser couldn't git it up with a winch."

AGGIORNAMENTO: The Italian military decoration for valorous conduct while both hands are held high in the air.

AGERSIA: Quality of not growing old*. E.g. "I dunno how ya do it, Harriet. Ma face's got more wrinkles than a Laplander's scrotum, but I reckon yer blessed with agersia."

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To be continued.

Thank you for your attention.

Readers' comments always welcome.

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