All Comments on 'The Eventful Bus Ride'

Really good, for a first-timer. An editor would be nice to correct the minor errors, but it was a good read. I look forward to reading the next chapter.

You did well for a first go - much better than many. A couple of things I noticed as an amateur who has never tried writing:

First, I always think that the chase is more fun than the catching. Right in the first paragraph, you let us know what was going to happen. No suspense.

Second thing that distracted me was your using the name Brooke Shields. Also, maybe you didn't have to introduce her character until she caught you or maybe you could have built up the tension by introducing several of the girls and describing them and we could have imagined what might happen.

Finally, I think you could have described the action of the bus. The driver starting the engine, the growl of the engine as the bus swung onto the highway and maybe the bus swaying and Brittany being dumped in your lap. You didn't use that to explain why nobody heard you. Instead of saying "She said...", maybe you could have said whispered, gasped or shuddered.

I'll give you a 4 because you made a really good effort.

All the minor things didn't distract me from the fact that it was a hot story. Nice solid effort. And well, I think he's about to get screwed in more ways then one but he may as well enjoy the ride.

It was defiantly HOT ... but i wouldn't have had them fuck until they were off the bus... but i guess they needed to for the end of your "chapter" to work the way it did. Keep it up.... was really good ... and it made me wet reading it hehe

Why didn't you continue?