The Liberation of Kate Shaw Ch. 05

"I want you to love me, Jordan. I want you to give me another chance," I sobbed, putting my face in my hands. "I didn't mean for things to be this way."

Still not facing me, she said, "Then why did you come here? You know how hard it is for me to resist you. Even after all this time, I remember exactly how you felt in my arms, and how you tasted and smelled."

She turned to look at me, and my heart broke again when I saw the tears streaming down her face. She held herself rigidly, angrily wiping the tears away.

"I have someone in my life now, Jordan. She was there for me when you disappeared from my life, and she's still here."

"But you don't love her, Jordan," I whispered. "Not like you love me, and you know that's true."

"Maybe not, but at least she's honest about her feelings for me. At least she doesn't run away and hide."

"Jordan! I WAS honest with you!" I cried. "I told you exactly how I felt, and exactly what I was afraid of, and YOU are the one who chose to walk out. A lot of things have changed since then, and…"

"What about Paul?" she asked softly.

My heart lurched. "What do you mean?"

She stood up and sat wearily on the couch. "I know you've been living with a man named Paul. Where does he fit into all of this? Have you ended things with him?"

I lowered my head. "No. He told me today he was in love with me, and I freaked out and ran away."

She laughed bitterly. "Well, I guess that doesn't surprise me."

My head snapped up in anger. "You know nothing about my relationship with Paul!"

"Do you fuck him?" she asked, eyes narrowed.

I sat there, speechless, my mind unable to think of how to answer her.

"Let me guess – you fucked him, then he told you he was in love with you, THEN you ran away, right?" she said, almost sneering in her anger at me.

Still, I couldn't answer. She shifted on the couch, her shirt falling open and exposing her nakedness. I could see then how much weight she'd lost, and for some reason my brain chose that moment to notice how her hair had grown and was streaked blond from the sun.

"Kate, Paul doesn't know about me, does he?" she asked.

Numbly, I shook my head. She sagged back into the couch, suddenly looking exhausted and very small.

"I can't do this, Kate. I'm sorry; I know you think you've had some great revelation, but I think it was a mistake for you to come here."

I jumped up and knelt in front of her, naked. She looked down at me, her eyes moving over my body, and I took her hands in mine.

"Don't say that! Please don't say that! Jordan, when I left Paul, I drove around for hours and finally ended up in a place where I could think. It suddenly became so clear to me – YOU are the one I want, not Paul! I was so afraid of the feelings I had for you and the consequences being with you could have on my career that I didn't know how to have both! The reason I freaked out when Paul told me he was in love with me is that I'm in love with YOU. Jordan, please. Things are different with me now, and I know we can make this work. I can see by the way you look at me that you still love me!"

Jordan took my face in her hands and tenderly wiped my tears away with her thumbs.

"Kate," she said, "please understand the position you've put me in. Toby and I have been together for over a year now, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she loves me with all her heart. If I were to decide to take a chance with you and leave her, she would be devastated. I do love her, despite what you may think. It may not be the same way I love you, but it's safe, and it's honest. I don't have to worry about her deciding I'm bad for her image and leaving me. I can't let myself love you that way. What if you decide one day that you need to marry Paul, and that I'm just a mistake? It would kill me to lose you again."

Trembling, I stood up and began finding my clothes, dressing slowly. Jordan sat silently on the couch and watched me.

"Jordan, you were the one who told me I needed to be true to myself. You were the one who said my life would be empty and meaningless unless I could truly be who I am, and now I'm willing to do that. I love you, Jordan. I tried to erase you from my life and my heart, but I can't. Somehow, I'll tell Paul what's going on with me and let him know I can't be with him. Even if I'm not with you, I owe him that. But let me tell you one thing, and then I'll go," I said as I finished dressing. I knelt in front of her and put my hands on her knees.

"You say your relationship with Toby is safe and honest. Okay, I'll give you that. I'm sorry for not having the courage to love you as fully and as openly as you wanted me to. All I can say is that I'm ready to take that step now, and I hope you'll think about that." I took her hand and placed it on my heart, and she looked at me with tears shining in her eyes.

"I guess I'm asking you to have courage now, and follow your heart," I said, standing up. "You know where to find me."

I picked up my keys, opened the door, and headed home to talk to Paul. As I drove off, I saw Jordan standing in the window, watching me leave. It was the second time in so many days I had left someone watching me in pain from a window, and I didn't know how to bear it.