The Liberation of Kate Shaw Ch. 09

"I realize that, Laurie, but I'm a very private person. I'm still very angry at Jordan, because she knows how I feel about that and she hung those pictures anyway."

"So, I guess the two of you aren't involved anymore," she said, half questioning.

I surprised myself again by telling her the whole story, including Kelly leaving and what she'd said about Jordan. Laurie was a sympathetic listener, sitting silently as I poured out my heart, asking questions when she needed clarification about things but mostly listening intently without interrupting me.

When I finished talking, I sat back and waited for Laurie to say something. I felt a small bit of panic at having told her so much. After all, I hardly knew her, but for some reason she made me feel comfortable, and she was easy to talk to.

"Wow," she said, taking a sip of her coffee. "Sounds like you're in quite a pickle, my friend."

"Tell me something I don't know," I said ruefully.

She chuckled, saying, "Well, what am I supposed to do here? Just listen, or tell you what I think?"

"I don't know. Tell me what you think, I guess. It certainly can't make things worse."

"Okay. Well, Kate, the way I see it, you need to find out once and for all what there is with you and Jordan. From what you've said, you're basing all these feelings for her on things that might have been. I mean, when you really look at things from an outside point of view, you and Jordan never really had a relationship, just a few very intense encounters. She was your first experience with a woman, and that's not a small thing, but it's not EVERYTHING. You've not really spent enough time with her to know whether or not you would even be good in a relationship together, right?"

"That's true," I said, thinking it over.

"Now, Kelly is a different story. You HAVE had a relationship with her, and you know what you've got with her. It's obvious from what you've told me that you love her very much, but for some reason that's not enough for you. Am I wrong in saying that?"

"Well..." I said, hesitating.

"Come on. Be honest with yourself, Kate."

"No, you're not wrong," I admitted. "I don't know why, but no matter what I do or how much I try to push her away, Jordan is always there. But, if I love Kelly so much, how could I have allowed Jordan to do what she did?"

"That's what I'm trying to tell you, Kate. There's a part of you that will always wonder what might have been, if you don't see this through with Jordan. I think that's what happened to you the day you went over there. Being angry at her was a convenient excuse for getting you there, but in reality, I think the main reason you went there was to see what would happen."

"Jesus, Laurie," I said, sitting back. "You make me sound so conniving and manipulative. Do you really believe I went over to Jordan's to have sex? I'm...or at least, I was...in a committed relationship!"

"Kate, I don't know you well enough to know what your motivation really was. I'm just throwing things out there based on what you've said. I'm not judging you or accusing you of anything, okay? You wanted to know what I think, so I'm telling you."

"Okay, okay. You're right. I guess...it's just hard for me to believe I would do something like that."

"Well, I don't think you did it deliberately. It's not like you said to yourself, 'Okay, forget what I have with Kelly, I'm going over to Jordan's to have sex.' Right?"

"Right."

"So, it's more like a subconscious thing. It happens, Kate, especially when there's unfinished business involved. Personally, I think Kelly was pretty damn smart to see that and give you the chance to figure this out on your own. That way, if you choose to stay with her, she'll know it was an honest choice and she'll be able to live with that."

"But what if I don't choose Kelly?" I asked in a small voice. "The last thing I want to do is hurt her any more than I already have."

"Think of it this way – do you honestly think she'll hurt less if she's unsure how you feel about her? What if you decide to forget this thing with Jordan for now and stay with Kelly, but then in two years, or even six months, you regret not having found out what you and Jordan could have had? Do you want to put her through that? Do you want to put yourself through that?"

I sat quietly, thinking about what she'd said. "No, I don't. That would be cruel and unfair, to both of us."

"Well, there you go. I think you've just found your answer."

I sat quietly for a long time, thinking about what Laurie had said.

"You know, you're pretty damn astute for someone who doesn't know me very well," I said with a wry smile.

"I've been around the block a few times, you know? I guess all those college psychology classes I took were good for something after all," she said, grinning.

"Thanks so much, Laurie," I said, reaching out for her hands. "I can't tell you how much it means to me, having you sit here and listen to me ramble on about this. Talking with you has really helped me see things more clearly."

"I'm just glad you felt comfortable enough to tell me what you did. I've kind of hoped we'd get the chance to talk at some point. You seem someone I'd really like to get to know better."

"Thank you for that," I said, squeezing her hands and standing up to put on my coat. "I really appreciate knowing that."

She stood up with me and we went to pay our bills, then walked out together and stood in the doorway for a moment. She turned to look at me, then surprised me by giving me a big hug. I hugged her in return, and when we pulled away, she said, "I'd like to know how all of this works out for you, if you don't mind telling me. I'm not trying to be nosy, but I really hope things turn out the way you want them to."

"I'll let you know," I promised. "One way or the other, I'll be sure to talk to you about it."

"Okay. Good luck, Kate. Remember – be true to your heart. It's the only way you'll be truly happy."

On the way home, I decided to stop by Washington Street to see the exhibit again. This time, since I knew what to expect, I hoped to be able to look at it with a head not clouded by shock and anger. The cold weather seemed to be keeping people at home, so the gallery was fairly deserted when I arrived. I was happy to see that Rachel, the young woman who had originally shown me the photos, was not there. I wanted to be able to study the photos without someone hovering over my shoulder asking questions.

I stood in front of the one of me leaning on the log and looked at it carefully. More calm than I'd been that first time, I took in details I'd failed to notice before. I was able to appreciate the true artistry Jordan possessed, in the ability to snap the shutter at just the right moment. The look of utter longing on my face was unmistakable, and remembering what she had whispered to me prior to taking the picture made my insides twitch.

I moved to the other photo, remembering how I had made love to Jordan in my studio soon after that one was taken. I could recall the intensity of our lovemaking that day, the way I had played Jordan's body like I would a fine instrument. I knew without thinking that, even in the limited time I'd spent with Jordan, no other experience I'd had before even came close to the intensity of feelings I'd felt with her. Looking back, it was no wonder I couldn't forget about her, and I knew without question that what Kelly and Laurie both had said was true – I would never be free unless I saw this thing with Jordan through.

I left the gallery and got into my car, sitting there for a moment and gathering my courage. The thought of seeing Jordan again made my heart pound. I wasn't sure how she would react to me after the way I'd run out on her. I doubted she'd kick me out, but I didn't figure the reception would be the warmest.

When I got to Jordan's, I got out of the car and walked over to the stairs leading to the loft. I hadn't called before arriving, hoping to catch her off guard. When I knocked on the door, I found myself holding my breath as I heard her footsteps coming closer.

I could sense her on the other side, and the moment of hesitation before she opened the door seemed to last for hours. When the door swung open and our eyes met, I knew that no matter what happened, coming here had been the right thing to do.

"Hi," I said, standing stiffly with my hands in my pockets.

"Hi," she replied, not moving aside to let me in.

We looked at each other for a long moment as I tried to figure out what to say next.

"Jordan..." I began.

"What do you want, Kate?" she asked, her voice stiff and guarded.

"I want to talk to you," I said.

"Okay. So talk," she said, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Jordan, please. Can we go inside and do this?" I asked, taking a step closer to her.

"I'm not sure that's such a good idea, Kate. Why don't you just say what you have to say?"

I took a deep breath. "Jordan," I said, "Please, I want to go inside and talk to you. We need to talk."

She looked at me for a long time, then finally stepped back to let me in. I walked past her and into the living space, then sat down and waited for her to come join me.

She closed the door and came into the room, sitting in a chair across from me with her arms still crossed. She was wearing a pair of baggy shorts and a tank top, her skin smooth and still tanned from her travels. Her weight loss caused the muscles in her legs and arms to be more defined than I remembered, and the lightness of her hair emphasized the green in her eyes. I had to close my eyes against the wave of feeling that rushed through me at the thought of our naked bodies entwined, moving together. I knew I would never be able to get through this if I let my thoughts go that way.

"Well?" she asked, a bit impatiently.

"Jordan, I'm sorry about what happened yesterday. I probably shouldn't have come over in the first place."

She looked away from me, her mouth tightening in pain.

"I'm the one who should be apologizing, Kate. It was unfair of me to do that to you. I've never done anything like that before."

"Jordan, we need to talk about this. About us."

She sighed. "Yes, I suppose we do."

I stood up and began pacing around the room. "I've been living with someone, Jordan. A wonderful woman named Kelly, who has been my entire life for almost a year now. She helped me heal after you disappeared, taught me that I can love and trust someone and, be loved in return. She has been everything to me, and now you're back and I'm more confused than ever."

"Confused about what, Kate?"

I stopped in front of her. "About you, Jordan! I've been carrying you around in my heart for the past three years, and no matter what I do, I can't get away from you. You have affected every relationship I've had since the first time we made love, do you know that?"

She stood up in front of me, standing close enough for me to feel her breath on my face.

"I know that. Don't you think it's been the same for me?" she said softly, her eyes looking deeply into mine.

"You sure seemed eager enough to get away from me," I said, standing my ground. "You left me, Jordan. You left without saying anything to me. Do you have any idea what you put me through?"

She reached out for me and hugged me tightly.

"I know, Kate. For the first three months I was gone, all I could do was sit and think about you. I knew being with Toby was wrong and that you didn't understand. I was messed up, Kate."

I pulled back and looked at her. "Where did you go?" I asked. "Why didn't you let me know where you were? Why did you disappear?"

She let me go and sat down again, hanging her head.

"I went to Europe first, then ended up in Africa. I wandered around for three months, not working, not talking to anyone, trying to get my head on right. I had to get away, from Toby, from you. I'm sorry I didn't get in touch with you, but I didn't know what to say. I stayed away so long partly for me, but mostly for you. I wanted you to forget about me, because all I'd managed to do was screw you up."

"Why did you use those photos of me in your show? Why didn't you let me know you were back?" I asked, still standing in front of her.

"It was a last-minute decision," she said, not looking at me. "I think part of me hoped you'd do exactly what you did, see them or hear about them and come running to me. I didn't stop to think about the impact it would have on your career."

I laughed, remembering the reactions of those in the coffee shop who'd seen them.

"Well, if anything, I think those photos have made me somewhat more popular," I said.

She looked up at me, then leaned forward and put her arms around my waist, her head against my stomach.

"God, Kate, but I've missed you," she said, her voice muffled.

I put my hands on her head, stroking her hair gently.

"I've missed you, too, Jordan. I never stopped loving you, after all this time."

Her hands began moving on my back, sliding up under the shirt I was wearing.

"Your skin is so smooth," she whispered, pulling me closer in to her. Her hands kept moving on me as I leaned down to kiss the top of her head, then I tilted her face up so I could kiss her. When our lips met, it was like fire going through me. We kissed softly, almost tentatively at first. I felt her tongue probe inside my mouth, and she moaned softly when mine met hers.

I knelt down in front of her, my hands moving up under her shirt. She put her hands on my arms as I caressed her skin, as I moved up her taut stomach to her breasts. I cupped her breasts in my hands, feeling the nipples come erect against my palms. She sighed and moved her hands to cover mine as I gently squeezed and touched her.

"Lean back," I said, pushing her to the back of the chair. She slid down in the chair and I knelt between her open legs, sliding my hands up her smooth skin and up the legs of her shorts. I moved up to the tops of her thighs, spreading her open and caressing the outside of her pussy with my thumbs.

"Kate," she said, her eyes closed and her hands moving on top of mine.

"Shhh," I said, reaching up to unfasten her shorts. I leaned forward and kissed her bare skin as I pulled the zipper down, feeling her hands tangle in my hair.

"Raise up," I said, and as she moved her hips up I pulled her shorts and underwear down and off. I moved her legs farther apart, spreading her open and taking a long, slow taste of her with my tongue.

"Katie," she moaned. When I looked up at her as I licked her, her eyes were closed and she was biting her lower lip.

I sat back and held her open with my hands, taking a long look at her and running a finger all around her clit. She was wet, both from my tongue and her own arousal. I leaned in and slid my tongue from the base of her clit to the top, slowly but firmly, and her hips began to move with the rhythm of my stroking tongue. She tasted slightly salty, and I put my mouth over her and sucked her entire clit up into my mouth, flicking her lightly with my tongue. Her hands were in my hair, moving lightly over my face as I pressed into her and slid my tongue inside her.

I began kissing up her body, feeling the muscles of her abdomen tighten as she took her breath in sharply, feeling my lips on her. I stood and pulled her up off the chair, holding her against me for a moment, then standing back to look at her. Her eyes were half open, a feline smile on her face, two spots of color high in her cheeks.

"Can we go to your bed?" I asked, leaning forward again and whispering in her ear.

"Yes," she whispered huskily.

I took her hand and led her into the bedroom. As we walked through the doorway, Jordan pulled on my hand and pushed me up against the wall, her lips meeting mine as our bodies meshed together. She kissed me hard, her tongue dancing with mine as the intensity grew. She was making noises in her throat as she rubbed against me, and we were both breathing hard.

I pushed her back and made her stop, and we looked into each other's eyes for a long moment. Slowly, I began taking my clothes off, her eyes moving greedily over my body when I stood naked in front of her. I reached out and pulled her shirt off over her head, then placed my hands on her waist and gently pushed her back to the bed. When she felt the bed against the back of her legs, she leaned backwards and scooted up onto it, and I slid next to her.

We lay there, facing each other, with me propped up on my elbow. I reached out with my left hand and gently stroked her face, then let my hand slide down to her shoulder, down her side, and to her hip. Her eyes were on mine, and I could see the pulse fluttering in her throat as I touched her.

"Hi," I said.

"Hi there," she said, smiling.

I reached up and placed my fingertips on her collarbone, then moved one finger along the ridge of it and down to her breast. She closed her eyes and sighed softly as I gently traced around her nipple with one finger, and I watched as it became erect. I could feel the beating of my own heart and the wetness between my legs, but I was determined to make this last for a long time.

"Hey you," I whispered, leaning in and kissing her.

Her eyes opened as our lips met, and I moved closer to her as the kiss became stronger. I could feel her tongue on mine, and we shifted together, she moving to her back as I slid on top of her. I raised up on my hands and looked down into her beautiful green eyes, which were fixed on my blue ones. I leaned down and kissed the tip of her nose, then the corners of her mouth, which was turned up in her feline smile.

"Well," I said, teasing her, "you look like the cat that ate the canary."

"Not just yet," she said, chuckling deep in her throat. My stomach flipped over at the sound of her warm laughter.

I cradled her head in my arms, my hands in her hair. We kissed again, and I gently nudged her legs apart as I settled my body on top of hers.

"God," she whispered into my mouth as we kissed. "Oh, Katie...my god, you feel so good."

"Mmmm," I hummed as I began moving against her. I'd forgotten how our bodies seemed to fit so well together. I could feel her erect nipples against mine as I held her closer, and I found myself wishing for a brief moment that I could be completely inside her.

I felt her wetness against mine as the lips of our pussies met. The feeling was incredible, and I reached between us with my left hand and spread both of us open, then moved into her until I could feel her clit rubbing against mine.

"Ohhh Jordan," I gasped, the feel of her against me nearly enough to make me come on the spot.

"Katie...baby...yes...," she moaned, her teeth biting lightly into my shoulder. Her arms came up around me, and I could feel her nails digging into my back as I rocked back and forth on her.

We were both beginning to sweat lightly, and as I looked down at her, I could see the tendons in her neck stand out as she worked hard to keep her clit on mine. I leaned down and licked the hollow of her throat, tasting salt there.

Her arms tightened around me, and I could tell she was close to coming. Her eyes were closed and her head was thrown back, but I wasn't ready to come yet. I pulled back slightly, slowing the pace down.

"Katie...what...," she gasped, opening her eyes and grabbing on to me.

"Shhh," I said, kissing her mouth, "I want us to come together, honey. I want you to wait for me, okay?"

"OHHH," she groaned, laughing at the same time. She rolled over and pinned me underneath her, holding my arms up over my head and slowly rubbing her body up and down mine.

"How much longer?" she asked, her tongue flicking lightly over my nipples.

"Not much, if you keep doing that," I said, my hips moving against her.

"Okay...well, how 'bout if I keep doing this?" she asked, sliding two fingers inside me and rubbing my clit with her thumb while she sucked on my nipple.