All Comments on 'The Loners Ch. 25'

Its so good

its disgusting how good this series was

thank you

thank you very very much for allowing me to read such a story

and DAMN that is a hell of a twist, not the Dracula part but the bringing Rachel back part, your fight scenes are still the same shounen-y but i like it, maybe its just a style?

great work

keep writing

Thanks

After so many of the people who were in love were killed, there is a somewhat happy ending which is tinged with sadness.

A mostly satisfying finish to the story. I would have liked a little more of an ending, maybe a "6 months later" kind of thing so we would have a little more closure on Katie, Liz, and his family, but I can't really complain. Nicely done.

But it was an excellent tale i would love domeday for you to do a short story on rather he is successful or not on bringing Liz and Katie back to life and the problems of him settling n as Dracula

Great storry looking forward to future post by you

I too would like to see an epilogue to this because I'd personally like to see Alan's loved ones revived. However, Ozma may decide to leave that open for the reader to use their imagination on what they think will happen as well. Either way, good last chapter.

my fellow readers. An epilogue or 6 months later or something for some closure and see how Alan is doing as Dracula. Or maybe a Part 2 in the series? Either way, it was an awesome and entertaining read!

This was a triumph. Im making a note here huge success. its hard to overstate my satisfaction

*best friend puts smelling salts under my nose....

huh...wha? wha happened? oh...this story....

JOINING IN STANDING OVATION!!!!!!WHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Alan, all that can be asked of you and Rachel is to rule with wisdom...

Truly a wonderful story. This is the longest I have ever read..and I was not disappointed.

This was certainly a good ending, but I was expecting something a little more epic. It wasn't bad it just wasn't nearly as exciting as the finale of other series. Oh well it was fantastic for a free online story.

Had me worried with all the gloom and doom, but the series turned out to be a truly stand alone series in a world of "twi-hards" and the lot. I was glad to see Alan, excuse me, Lord Dracu'la get some of his humanity back through bringing Rachel back. Hats off to you Ozma, for a story well told through thick and thin. I will certainly be looking forward to your future literary endeavors!

that would be pretty kool too see that

definately needs some sort of 6 months later or 1 year later thing to make it seem right in my eyes

Ending was decent, though I do agree with the others in that there should be an epilogue, at least to show what happened after. The killing of Katie I found was something that a bit superfluous, there was no real reason to kill her, Alan already had enough reason to hate and kill Caleb.

The killing of Liz could also have been averted I felt, as Alan could have just jumped to her and then jumped out. His ignoring of her despite him saying that he had feelings for her felt a bit abrupt, not to mention that her sacrifice is never mentioned by Alan until the end.

All in all, a pretty nice story, though it would have been cool if some vampires (possibly greater/lord) exhibited different and unique abilities (jumping was interesting) other than just heightened strength and speed.

totally needs an epilogue

I loved the series but still somewhere it feels like missing something, it could have been better and it would be good if it had an epilouge

Needs an epilouge

A very good story one of the few I read in one sitting, but like the others I think it needs a wrap up, did he save his family and girlfriends and how did he handle his new position. With his moral character I even wonder if he brought back the 10 policeman that were killed. I even wonder what fun they had with George.

I left that last anon comment, forgot to sign in

Scanning through vampire storys on google I found a story by Evil Alpaca, all there supernatural storys were good, but your take on a normal person thrust into that world was brilliant, since I have similar tastes to Alan helped me bond with the character from the start, I really hope you might do a follow on series into this world you've created 10/10

i know i am about a year off its posting but the twists and turns in the story had me on my feet the entire time. from the beginning i was kind of locked and ended up reading the entire 25 chapters in a week (with brakes of course) stalling my own writing project... again the story was well written and its seemed to fit together even with the sexual fun along the way.

rating it i would say something stupid like 20/10 but that is me i enjoyed it.

Needs an epilouge

very very bad ass! wish there was more, alan finaly achieved confidance and respect. then BAM story over. was an awsome story though. thanks for writing it!

Simply one of the best stories I've read here on Lit!

God, I wish you made more of this, I'm curious on where Alan and Rachel are headed after Alan became Dracula.

Please, do continue this :D

Truly a great series. Stories like these are always my favorite, and I will not soon forget this one. The best compliment that I think I can give (although it's kinda weird), is that I finished this story in one sitting from about Ch. 12, all without touching myself. I just enjoyed the story that much. Thanks, for sharing it with us and I look forward to your next project.

Really Really like this story twists and turns and everything was great. Pity Alan turned evil in the end, was rooting for him and Rachel, but i guess being a vampire will have downsides. Still loved the story though.

i want more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but the end was rather abrupt. wanted to see more of Katie and Liz.

This became a chore to finish reading = ( The downward spiral started with the 'strap-on' mess and continued in to a very dark and depressing hole. The fight scenes were horrible! Though well written 'ie:punctuation and grammar' the story line it's self left me shouting at the screen "COME ON ALREADY!" It wasn't a terrible attempt. The beginning showed lots of potential.

Of course, these are just my opinions. YMMV

I remember reading this story around the time it was posted and I reread it again recently. I really liked it, although I think there could still be an epilogue chapter clarifying how Alan starts his new life and if Katie and Liz are resurrected.

I found the story a few days ago and have been reading it every chance I had n I agree it would be nice to have an epilogue chapter to see how Alan did things afterwards and glad he could bring back Rachel on a side note an editor would help you to catch some of your grammatical and spelling mistakes but I'm not a grammar Nazi like some people lol you did a great job with this story and I read everything including the strap on parts n don't mind it as much as the others did n really related to Alan myself because he is like myself in some ways....wish I could get head while dropping niggas in CoD lol but like I said great work my friend n keep it up

- DK

It ended so abruptly with no real conclusion and with so many loved characters massacred, with virtually no hope of bringing them back from the dead, which was his defining power, makes this...just, I'm sorry, but awful...

i usually avoid murders and other deppressing things, but story was great, really worth reading it, hope to see more of them

This work is in the top 5 of stories that I read on this site over the last several years.

Hopefully you will continue, if not on this site, then publish your works in the for profit market. You have great talent. Is there a way to notify readers of this site as to the future sales of your work outside of this platform?

I usually stay away from vampire stories. I have to say when I started reading this one I just couldn't stop. Would really like to see you add further adventure of Alan and Rachel .

I am depressed i even read your sorry filth i hoped things would get better but instead i got this. I pray you and all those other fuckers that like this kinda shit are wiped from the earth. Or at least your stories. Eat shit fucker.

Wow. The vitriol and anger really escalated with every chapter. And yet he didn't know when it was better for him to simply let it go and stop reading. And he cursed you at the end for it, blamed you.

Fertile "Hate Crime" motivation. Also what some rapists believe.

The Fear is strong in this one. I pity the young man, and hope he can overcome his fear for all our sakes. That reaction is the first step toward evil actions.

I've been reading this story over the past few days, leaving anonymous comments periodically. Having now finished, I have several thoughts. Much of what I'm going to write will be criticism, but understand this: this story was good enough to make me care about all its flaws. The mere fact that I'm writing such detailed feedback means that what you've written is a cut above most of the stories on this website. Now, on to the critique.

1. - Overly wordy sentences with predictable structure.

You are addicted to the phrase "to do so". Far too often you describe an action that needs to be done or is about to be done, and then follow it up with something like, "Rachel began to do so." Stop that. Simply describe the action being undertaken. Similarly, many of your sentences are overlong, using more words then necessary to convey the point. Trim your sentences before uploading.

2. - Stiff, awkward dialogue.

This is an extension of my previous point. A good deal of your dialogue sounds forced and unnatural. People explain things in excessive detail without provocation, and use far too many dependent clauses. Dialogue should be direct and punchy. Unless you are making excessive eloquence a character trait for a specific character, you should avoid it. Characters need to sound like real people.

3. - Too many filler characters.

Your cast is far too large for the scope of this story. You are writing a supernatural erotic romance. The vast majority of your time should have been spent developing Alan, Rachel, and Caleb. Protagonist, love interest, villain. Almost everything beyond that is superfluous. Far too many extraneous details were given about the Vampire Lords and their underlings. It was nearly impossible to keep straight who they all were, what their motivations were, what their relationships to each other were, and why we should care about any of it. Reading about them was tedious. Instead, the adversity our couple faced should have been personified by Caleb alone. Their clashes with him would have been more satisfying if the relationship between him and our leads, especially Rachel, was more developed. Make the personal narrative intersect with the larger story about impending vampire war, but keep the war firmly in the background. The looming threat of conflict is all we need.

4. - Underdeveloped supporting characters.

The addition of Katie was this story's greatest misstep. She had no real backstory, no motivation to become part of the plot, and the internal logic of the story during her introduction was shaky. She was never necessary to the progression of the plot, nor was she particularly interesting as a character. Furthermore, her presence cheapened the significance of the love between Alan and Rachel. What felt special during the first few chapters became diluted after Katie's introduction. All she did was add a new dynamic to the sex scenes, but without a genuine emotional connection to her character, even these moments felt lackluster. Liz had the same problem. While she at least had an understandable motivation, her arc was horribly rushed. Ultimately, both of these characters were killed for shock value rather than emotional impact. Their deaths become a plot device to motivate Alan, but it is an unnecessary one. The death of his family and of Rachel provide all the motivation needed. Notice how despite killing Katie and Liz, you still had to kill Rachel so that you could have a death with some impact?

5. - Bad fight scenes.

Others have touched on this already, but I'm coming at this from a different angle. What makes a fight scene good is the relationship between the characters that are fighting. Not the fight itself. Without a genuine conflict between characters and a reason behind their fight, the fight is boring. All of Alan's fights with various Vampire Lords could have been removed, especially the one against the two Ladies near the conclusion. This fight should have been replaced with an epic showdown between Alan and Caleb, one that ends with Alan finally overcoming his foe. Similarly, consider replacing the earlier fight against Lord Hector with one against one of Caleb's Greaters. This could have been the same character who got eggs thrown on him, who, out of humiliation and anger, kills Alan's family. These few tweaks would have made the fight much more interesting because both characters would have been personally invested in the conflict.

6. - Love and sex.

When it comes to the romance, you have a problem with earned vs. contrived scenes. This is true both in terms of the emotional connection between characters, and the actual sex scenes. In regards to love, the only relationship you have that works is Alan and Rachel. Thankfully, this relationship works pretty damn well; that's what has kept me reading your story. We see them bond slowly over shared interests. We see them relate to each other due to their shared background as loners. We see them struggle to hold their relationship together in the face of great adversity. We experience their relationship develop, so when we have romantic or sexual scenes with them, those scenes feel earned. This is not true for any of the other characters. Katie and Liz are rushed not only into sex scenes with our leads, but also into love with our leads. Katie in particular shifts the entire relationship dynamic quite literally overnight, yet our characters claim to be in love with her. Notice that we now have to hear our characters say that they love and are devoted to each other. We can't feel that connection. The relationship hasn't been given time within the story to grow, so it feels contrived when they declare their devotion to each other and jump into bed. Just like with the fight scenes, it isn't so much the sex itself, but the relationship between the characters that makes the scene work. Sure, you can titillate the audience with a vivid, creative scene, but any throwaway story on this site can do that. For something of this length and complexity, you need the audience to relate to the emotional state of the characters within the scene. Your energies would have been better spent further developing the relationship between Alan and Rachel while experimenting with positions, fetishes, and even supernatural abilities in the bedroom. Keep the emotional connection solid and vary the form and style of the sex scenes. Do that well, and the audience will never get bored. Alan and Rachel are the only characters that should fuck in this story.

7. - Frequency of sex.

There are two many sex scenes. Sex scenes should emerge organically from within the narrative. They should influence and be influenced by the character arcs and overall plot. They should not be isolated moments of fucking where the entire story grinds to a halt, then resumes after the scene ends. Furthermore, sex scenes should not follow one another in quick succession. They need to be spaced out for maximum impact. Ending a scene between two characters only to jump to another one with different characters lessens the impact of both. Reading a well paced erotica is like having sex in real life. It starts with flirtation, moves to teasing, then lovemaking, and finally, climax. Make the audience anticipate the sex, then deliver it. Build up to your sex scenes over multiple chapters. Quality not quantity. Your first three chapters do this splendidly.

8. - Inconsistent characterization.

There are numerous lapses in character over the course of this story. Here are some examples: Rachel is deeply conflicted about falling in love with a human and on multiple occasions tries to leave Alan in order to protect him, but she is willing to accept Katie into their lives at the drop of a hat. Rachel suddenly becomes a badass killer during the motel scene, yet she tries to stifle the killer within Alan after that side of his personality emerges. She should be able to relate to him since she struggles with that inner darkness herself. Rachel does not support Alan's completely justified desire for revenge against Caleb even though Rachel also hates Caleb and has endured 62 years of abuse at his hands. The two of them should have teamed up to defeat him together rather than her abandoning him at the last minute. The female Vampire Lords hate Caleb because he is a Neo Nazi sexist, but they defend him in the finale by fighting Alan. I could go on, but I won't. Watch out for this pitfall and try to keep your characters consistent.

Well that's about it. I've gone on for quite some time, so while it may look like I just tore this story apart, I assure you that I actually did enjoy it. I wouldn't have kept reading if it didn't. However, I am irritated by its untapped potential. This could have been much better than it was. Frankly, I encourage you to revisit this story and perhaps, even to systemically rewrite it. I would be curious to see a second draft on this.

I enjoyed reading your story and loved your characters. Thank you for an enjoyable "binge" read.

Pls follow up by another chapter in which he brings them back to life and lives for God knows how much

Pls pls pls I beg you

sequel????

I fucking hate this. You actually did it you bastard. You played the idiotic "Taking revenge will change you" card. And you even referenced mother fucking fma with it's stupidity. "Not going down the path of ven-" get the fuck out of here right now holy FUCK. Whatever, stories over. I'm actually surprised that's what pissed me off the most in this whole anal/killing off characters thing. What a mess.

I know this is years later but just wanted to say the story was decent. Nothing I would tell other people to read but I am glad I finished it. With a title like the liners and the way Alan and then Rach developed in the beginning the way Alan started acting towards the end did not make sense psychologically to me but I’ll leave it at that as it is your story and who knows if you even read this so far down the line.

For a quick write it’s quite impressive and like I said I’m glad I finished it even if I didn’t enjoy it as well as I hoped. I mean real life is a dark place, I tend to read to get away from that darkness. Look for more good. This story was just dark, and I realized that when you offed the parents and just friends. I could have gotten behind that if it was balanced out with him still having his lovers to center him but you definitely lost me when you killed Katie and then Rach even though you revived her in the end and hinted at his attempts to revive the others. It just felt cheap somehow, like you were looking for shock value or just degrade and destroy the MC Alan at all costs.

Generally when a romantic interest is removed for whatever reason be it kidnapping or death it’s to provide growth for the main character and I just didn’t get that feeling here, especially with how in the finale all of a sudden the other lords are bowing and scraping to him because he’s Dracula and it just sort of ends.

Ehh don’t listen to me, I’m probably just agrivated the story didn’t go the way I liked or wanted it to.

TLDR: Good story given your lack of using and editor and time constraints. Could use more development.

Definitely think it needs at least another chapter to see what happens after Dracula gets settled in and how everything shakes out! Good job on the story though, loved it

Wow. 75 years of paragraphs to get to the end and the end happens in about a sentence. And then nothing.