The New Owners - 03 March

Wed, Mar 22, 00

When I went down tonight Shona was there. I think Trish has told her about me because she looks at me with that same laughing, superior look as Trish.

Trish said they would like to have some tea before they went out. I wanted to just walk out because I already told Trish I don't like doing that when there are other people around, but I could hardly say it with Shona sitting right there and I couldn't leave because I had agreed to babysit, so I made them tea and felt myself blushing furiously while I served them. And thinking that I would have Kendal back tonight. Then Trish said her feet were sore and would I mind doing some reflexology on them. I told her I didn't feel like it tonight, but she said something about how didn't I think I was being paid very well for babysitting tonight and couldn't I just do some reflexology for the same price. Shona asked how much she was paying me and I was suddenly in panic mode. Trish just smirked at me with this confident "Well...?" look and looked at her feet and I knew I didn't have a choice so I knelt down and did it and she told Shona that we had "worked out a deal". So I did it, but I am going to tell her tomorrow that I don't want to ever do that again when there are other people around.

Anyway, they left after a few minutes and then Trish came back and told me my "little friend" was up in their room and Ryan would not be home until after 9. Then she said "Have fun, Marilyn" in this totally knowing, superior way like she thought I was going to run right up and use him which made me want to not do it but the longer I thought about it and that she thought I would and how dirty it would be to do it in their house the more I knew I was going to. Just knowing he was up there and it was like I could not stop myself. So I did. I checked in on Alyssa and then went up to find him. He was sitting right beside the bed. As soon as I saw him I just knew she hadn't cleaned him so before I even touched him I leaned down to smell him. It smelled so gross! How can she be so disgusting? Yuck! I didn't even want to touch him so I picked him up with a tissue and went down to clean him THOROUGHLY. But then what? What if one of them came home? They would see me in the living room and I didn't want to be caught in their bedroom. I think it took me like half an hour to get up the courage to do it but I finally did. I started in the living room but then I wanted to do it in their bedroom so I did it on their bed and that just felt so dirty and sick that I kept picturing them standing watching me like they were making me perform for them.

Anyway, I put Kendal away in my apartment before Ryan got home so I have him now. I am a bit scared to use him because she might take him away again, I think in the living room with the door shut is probably okay.

Thu, Mar 23, 00

She just totally humiliated me in front of Ryan! All because I tried to tell her I hate it when she makes me do things with other people around. So instead of listening to me she made it even worse! I had already planned on telling her that I didn't like making tea with Shona there. I thought about it all day today so when Ryan answered the door I was doublely determined. I told her I had just come to tell her I couldn't stay and she asked me why so I told her I didn't like making tea when there are other people there and she said "YOU don't like? Did I ask you what YOU like?". Then she came over and pulled my hair back and took my face in her other hand. She must somehow know that is how to make me do what she wants. She told me I am a naughty ungrateful girl and she doesn't know why she bothers being nice enough to let me wash her underwear. Ryan was standing right there! G_D, I wanted to die. I could feel myself blushing and I tried to twist away but I couldn't and I just ended up crying which made me feel even more pathetic. But they didn't say anything they just watched me cry and blush and after a while I also started to love feeling so helpless and pathetic. When I had finally finished crying she asked me if I was ready to make them some tea and then she whispered in my ear, or did I want her to tell Ryan what I did on their bed last night. I don't know how she knows because I thought I fixed it up, but I know she does. Its like that little smirk. Like from the first day she met me she knew exactly who I am and what I am thinking.

Anyway, by then I just wanted her to let me go so I gave in and did it. My stomach was so upset I felt like I might throw up and every time I thought about what Ryan had seen and what he must think of me I could feel myself blushing again. And the thing is, making them tea and serving it, and even rubbing her feet seem like such a little things, especially compared to having her pull my hair in front of Ryan. But it still makes me feel totally retarded to do it. Not that it really matters how I feel because after tonight I know I will be doing it no matter who is there. I hate that I was so determined to stop it and that she made me do it anyway. It also really scares me because I just feel like she could make me do anything and I couldn't say no.

Fri Mar 24, 00

Ryan went out after work so Trish asked me to stay for dinner. It didn't even really surprise me or bother me when I had to make it for her. And I was even a little surprised when I got to eat with her because I was half expecting her to make me serve her like tea. But it was nice and we talked about everyday things. Oh, at one point I said something about Mrs Baker and she said that if I called the last owner by her last name she thought it would be respectful if I called her by her last name. So now I am supposed to call her Mrs Barnabas which seems weird since she is a little younger than me, but I don't actually call her by name very often so it doesn't really matter. I liked it when she said it would be 'more respectful'. I don't know why, but I did.

Sat Mar 25 00

Had an early hair appointment but after it I just went down to Trish's even though she never told me to. Oops, I guess I should say Mrs Barnabas'. Anyway, I just know she expects me to clean her house from now on and after Thursday night I just felt like there was not much point in not doing what she wants because I know I will eventually. Besides, last night she said that it was a lot more peaceful when Kendal was at her house so I am afraid if I get her mad she may take him away again.

So I cleaned her whole house and did her laundry and hand washed her underwear - she acts like that is some big thrill for me when it is really just kind of gross. When we were eating lunch she said that I had not called her "Mrs Barnabas" once all day and that she thinks it would be nice if I said "Yes, Mrs Barnabas" when ever she asks me to do something and would I do that? Then there was one of those long silences where I know what I am supposed to do but I can't make myself do it and the longer it goes on the harder it gets and the stupider I feel. She looks at me with this laughing, expectant "well...?" look that says we both know I am going to do it eventually. And like always I finally did it, I said "Yes, Mrs Barnabas" and she gave me this mean, laughing look that said that she had won and I had lost and that she cannot believe how pathetic I am. We didn't talk after that. I lost my appetite so I just sat there feeling pathetic, especially because I could feel myself getting wet. Then she said I could wash the dishes before I got back to work and I knew what she wanted so I just swallowed and said quickly "Yes, Mrs Barnabas" before I could think too much. I had to say it a bunch of times after that and every time it felt like a big deal. Its funny after everything else I do, but it seems like such a big thing to me.

Now I am babysitting while they go out for dinner. Writing about all this makes me want to go get Kendal. I want to go do it on their bed again. I don't know why, but it just seems so dirty. Pathetic. I use that word a lot. I guess I like feeling pathetic. Well, I don't know that I like it, but it turns me on. And I sure do it a lot these days. I wonder how she knew that I did it on their bed last week? I was so careful to straighten the bed after. I have thought about it and I really think she just knew that if she left me alone in their apartment and told me that Kendal was in their bedroom that I would not be able to stop myself from using him on their bed. She makes me feel so predictable. So transparent. It freaks me out because I always thought that nobody could tell all the sick things in my head so I was safe, but if Trish Mrs Barnabas can tell then maybe other people can, too. Oh, that's stupid, people cannot read your mind. Except for Trish. That really scares me. But it kind of turns me on, too. Like she can see right into my soul and knows all the sickest, scariest things about me. It is really embarrassing to think she knows it all, but it is kind of freeing, too. Like there is fresh air in a deep dark place that I never... oh I don't know. That is all crazy. If she were a nice person it might be fresh air but she isn't. She is mean and instead of being nice when she sees one of my hidden bits she just uses it to hurt me to make herself feel superior. Or maybe she does it because you love it, Marilyn. You do love it. You hate it and hate her, but you totally love it too and you wouldn't have it any other way. Otherwise, how come I used Kendal last night when I knew she was in bed and Ryan was out. I deliberately wanted her to know I was doing it. I think I was, no, I KNOW I was hoping she would do something like call me up and make fun of me or pound on the wall or even take Kendal away again. Why would I want that? But its true. I loved it when she had him and I was not "allowed" to do it. I don't know why I loved that, but I did. I am going to go do it. I am going to get him and do it on their bed and I am not going to straighten it so she knows what I did.

___

I did it. But now I am having second thoughts. What if she gets really mad? It seemed like a good idea while I was doing it, but now I am thinking about how mean she can be and how horrible it was when she was mad at me on Thursday. I wonder what she will do? What if she gets REALLY mad? I think I better go fix it.

___

Oh G-d, I think I may be in trouble. When I went up to make the bed I saw I had made bit of a mess on their duvet so I got a damp cloth but that just made a wet spot so I was going to get a towel to try to dry it but they came home right then. Luckily I was already downstairs but there is a big wet spot on the duvet and this diary was on the couch and I just know I looked guilty. I just hope they don't... Someone is coming up stairs!

___

I feel sick. It was awful. She was really angry and she has taken Kendal away and she did it all in front of Ryan which just made me want to die. When she pounded on my door and I answered she grabbed my hair and dragged me into my bedroom. Then she told me to get my vibrator and when I had him she grabbed my hair again and pulled me down stairs and into their apartment and then up to their bedroom. Ryan was sitting in the chair and I was so aware of him watching when she pulled my hair until my face was right over the wet spot. "What is THAT?" she demanded and what was I supposed to say. I couldn't think of what to say. After she asked a few times I finally managed to say "I made a mess" "On MY bed?!" she yelled and I nodded. I think I was crying by then. I don't remember. Then she asked me what I had been doing, over and over again but I couldn't say it. Not with Ryan there. So I just cried harder which made me feel more stupid. She finally gave up and said she knew what I had been doing, "jerking off" and made me admit it and then called me a dirty little slut and told me to clean it. I couldn't even tell her that I already had so I went and got the cloth again and a towel. I could feel them watching me and wished I was dead. I must have been beet red.

I feel like I want to throw up. Why was I so stupid? It is bad enough about Mrs Barnabas, but that he was watching it all, too, is just too much.

Oh, this is crazy. I have got to stop this. I don't understand what is happening to me. How could I have been doing that in their bed last night? I mean, it is just totally crazy. I feel totally obsessed. It can't be good for me. But do I want to stop? Could I stop if I wanted to? I feel like she has a hold on me. I think I would have to move. I don't want to move. No, you don't want to stop. You are loving this. G_d, I hate myself. It just keeps getting crazier and I feel totally out of control. But I think I like feeling out of control. I think my problem is that I do not feel as if she is in control. Like she does not know when to stop. When enough is enough. I wish she would just go slower. It is all just too much for a little person to take all at once.

Its crazy. I am going to give my notice. It is almost the end of the month. I wish I didn't have to live here for another 60 days, but I will just have to be strong. And besides, I really don't want to move right away. It will be better to have some time to get used to the idea.

SunMar 26 00

I am so confused. It all made perfect sense last night but now it is all confusing again.

I fell asleep on the couch last night and woke up with her talking to me through the wall saying "Marilyn, are you awake? Are you listening? Marilyn, Ryan is fucking me up the ass, Marilyn"

I mean, who wants to be woken up like that. It wasn't just that she was telling me, it was the sing-songy tone. Like teasing. Well that, and she was grunting the whole time.

I tried putting my hands over my ears but then... well I don't know why but I took them off. I guess I wanted to hear what she was saying even more than I didn't want to hear. I don't even remember going into the bedroom, but most of what happened I was right at the wall.

She kept telling me how good it felt, then she asked if I wanted to know a secret. She kept asking until I finally yelled "no! Go away!" but she just said "yes you do. You want to know this secret." And I suddenly realized how well she knows me cause yes, I really did want to know her stupid secret. And I knew I would not like whatever it was but I wanted to know anyway, just so I could not like it. She wouldn't tell me until I asked her though and I was damned if I was going to do that. But she just kept talking and talking and finally I just asked her to shut her up.

She said that she had Kendal and he was "titty fucking" her and pretty soon he was going to go down on her and wasn't it unfair that she had two boys and I didn't have any and did I miss my boyfriend.

She is such a bitch!

Then she started asking me if I was playing with myself, which I wasn't. Well, I mean obviously I wasn't but I wasn't even grinding. She may know a lot about what I am thinking, but she does not know that cause she kept asking if I was fingering myself. It felt really good that she could be wrong about something. She kept bugging me to tell her if I was until, like always, I just snapped and told her to shut her up. But then she started telling me to. Oh, and also how good Kendal felt cause I could hear him. She said she likes thinking of me alone and desperately fingering myself while she was getting fucked by both her husband and my boyfriend. She also said that Ryan likes to think of it too and would I like to show him how I do it.

Well I had been grinding a little up until then but picturing having to do it in front of him, having him see that I can't even do that right, suddenly I didn't care if she won and I rolled over and started humping my wrist feeling totally pathetic and it took a long time, but finally she kept asking if I would like it, telling me it was okay to admit it, and stuff until I screamed "yes" and started crying and then she came and then he came.

Maybe 10 minutes later, the phone rang. It was her. She told me I had been a good girl and asked me if I had come. I was so drained I didn't even care about telling I didn't. She was being very nice to me and asked if I was not able to without Kendal and I just told her not usually. I felt so empty that it just did not matter what I told her. She told me it was okay that I had not come because they had both come huge and that was the important thing, but that she would let me use Kendal later if I wanted. And what did I say? "Thank you, Mrs Barnabas"

Thank you for letting me use my own vibrator. And the thing is, I meant it. It actually felt like she was doing something nice for me.

G_d, its Oscars night and I am supposed to go over to Diane's in time for the Red carpet and all I want to do is crawl into a hole and die. Oh well, maybe it will be good just to get out of here.

She just called to ask if I would like to use Kendal. No. No, I really don't. At the moment I feel like I don't care if I ever use him again.

MonMar 27 00

I worried all day about how I would face her, but when I got there it just seemed to be fine. I made tea, rubbed her feet, we talked about the Oscars. Ryan was there but even that was okay. A few times I would think about what happened yesterday and how weird it was to be talking to them now like nothing had happened, but it was okay.

Greg came by my office today and we had a long talk about the Oscars. I told him I had not really gotten into American Beauty and that it just seemed like the director had a video of a plastic bag and wrote a movie around it. He was totally shocked. He thought it was one of the best movies ever made. He said that every character is a part of each of us and that it makes you question human nature and the difference between fantasy and reality and how instinct leads us toward something while our brains are leading us somewhere else. Maybe I need to see it again. While he was talking I was thinking I could really use some advice on fantasy and reality and my instinct leading me places my brain thinks is a really bad idea.

I like Greg. It was very nice of him to come by. He says we should get an office Oscar pool together for next year.

TueMar 28 00

Got my period today.

Mrs Barnabas said it has been much more peaceful since Kendal has been staying with her. But she told me that any time I want to use him, I just have to ask. That is just so crazy. Like I am supposed to just go down and knock on the door and say "Please, Mrs Barnabas, may I borrow my vibrator to go masturbate?" What, and am I suppose to bring it back when I am done? I just don't understand how she thinks this makes any sense at all. It is not just not fair, it is retarded. There can't be another woman on the planet that is supposed to...

to ask her landlady if she can borrow her own vibrator. Aaaa! Thank G_d I don't feel like using him.

WedMar 29 00

While I was rubbing her feet she asked me if I found it difficult to ask to use Kendal. I told her I didn't think I could so she asked if it would be easier if she just told me when I could. I said yes. I mean, it is easier. But I won't necessarily feel like it when she tells me to and it is still going to be totally embarrassing.

I haven't figured out if I should give notice or not. It hasn't been so bad this week. Well, except that I have not been able to use my vibrator all week. I've thought about buying a new one but she would just take that one, too.

ThuMar 30 00

When I finished washing up the tea things I asked her if that would be all – funny, I don't even remember when that started, I don't think she ever told me to, it just seemed natural – and she told me to come over to her chair and then told me to kneel. She patted my head and told me I had done a good job and earned a treat, and then handed Kendal to me and told me to into the bathroom. I said thank you and even though I wanted to scream, I just did as I'd been told. As I left the room she said "have fun". It was like a dagger in my back. But I did it. I sat on the edge of the tub and thought about how disgusting I am that I let her do these things to me and how she could hear that I was doing exactly what she had told me, and the more disgusted I got the more excited I got until came.