tagHumor & SatireThe Pussy Driven Life

The Pussy Driven Life

byMudak©

Chapter 1

Please allow me to introduce myself. I'm a man of wealth and taste. I've been around for a long, long year. Stole many a man's soul and faith.

And I possess the most deliciously awesome plan, if I do say so myself. Every time I think about it, I just have to laugh. I feel compelled to tell you how we reached this point.

As I am certain you have deduced, God's creation is far from perfect. Always was. And it's only gotten worse since He created it all. It's funny. A lot of humans talk about God's so-called "intelligent design." It would be more accurate to refer to it as incompetent design or moronic design.

So of course I thought I could run things better than the big guy himself. And I led an army of angels to fight for primacy over God. It's not boastful to declare that, had I won, the world would be a much better place than it is today.

But, as you probably already know, I lost. And I and all of the angels I was leading, we were banished to hell.

Now I'm sure some of you might be thinking, "Lou. What made you think you could do a better job running things than God?" Well, I'm glad you asked. Or, well, if you didn't ask it out loud, I heard your thoughts asking it.

So permit me to enlighten you to the fact that, before I was banished, God asked me to clean up one of his biggest fuck-ups of all. I'm sure you know the story of the Garden of Eden, how God created Adam, and then he got kind of lonely so God created Eve out of one of his ribs.

Eve was supposed to be Adam's fuck-toy, but there was a problem with that whole scenario. When Adam wanted sex, she didn't. When I say that, it's not just the whole not-on-the-same-page thing that some couples deal with today. It was more along the lines of, she took a look at his pork-sword and said, "Ain't no way that thing is getting anywhere near me!"

And Adam practically begged her to put out and she refused. Every time. For more than a month. Adam finally swallowed his pride and asked God for help.

Some of you may be familiar with the story of Lilith, who was God's original fuck-up in terms of finding a mate and partner for Adam. God didn't want to have to ban Eve as well, so he wondered if there might have been something that could be done with Eve that wouldn't require the extraction of yet another rib.

God knew that I was good at this kind of thing, so He asked me if there might have been something that I could do to help Adam out. So I broke out my ethereal chemistry set and started working. It took me a few hours but I was able to determine the correct mixture. And I put it in the Garden of Eden.

I remember when I completed it. I remember God's exact words when he saw it. He said "It is a but rock. What good doeth a rock when Adam requireth that Eve knoweth him?"

I chuckled. I've always been proud of that little "Heh heh heh heh" that I can do. Only since my fall have people been thinking of my chuckle as evil. Back then, the moment I started to chuckle, it made His mouth curve into a broad, shining smile.

And so I explained to His Almightiness how the rock actually worked.

And God said unto Adam, "When next thou hast a need for release, which can be sated by thine wife, thou must escort her to the new rock, it lieth across Eden from the Tree of Wisdom, near the perimeter of the Tree's shadow in the low daylight sun. Tell her not that thou desireth to lie with her; instead merely offer to show her a beautiful part of the Garden which she hath not seen."

And Adam said unto God, "But how am I to satisfy my need for release?"

God was mysterious in his response. "Thou shalt see. Thou shalt see..."

And thus Adam was sent about the Garden to continue naming all of the animals. To this day I regret that he chose not to name any animal "Bob," but I digress.

Then as the sun was sinking in the afternoon sky and before Eve had commenced her plans for that evening's dinner, Adam felt the familiar urge and glanced downward at his Adamly parts and recalled the word of God. He strode up to Eve and asked her if she had begun preparations for supper and she said she had not. As she had by this time taught herself how not to see such things, Eve paid naught attention to the outward protuberance which pointed from between Adam's legs to her body.

And so, Adam suggested taking a walk through the Garden and Eve accepted. They walked through the garden, taking in all of the beauty and wonder that only a place like Eden can inspire. It is a great misfortune that your kind has been completely banished from the great Garden as you quite literally know not that which you are missing.

As they walked, Eve stated that they were entering into parts theretofore unknown to her yet she trusted Adam to know whither they walked. Finally, they arrived at the rock I had created, situated exactly as God had explained it, directly above the shadow cast by the upraised branches of the Tree of Knowledge.

Adam, either sagely or accidentally, stretched his arms above his head and sat down on the rock, telling Eve that he was tired after the lengthy walk.

She smiled and sat down beside him.

The influence my rock had on her was both instantaneous and dramatic, as she jumped up, turned to face Adam, began massaging his manhood with her hands, and lay down on the soft grass and spreading her legs in hopes of feeling his body with more than just her hands.

Adam saw all of this and his desire to know Eve grew even more. As I saw him stand up and leap on top of Eve, I knew that my design was perfect, nay flawless. As Eve's yells and moans echoed off of all of the plants of the Garden, God looked to me and complimented me on the job I had done.

Of course, on more than one occasion, Eve cried, "Oh God." I would have preferred it if she had invoked my name rather than the Incompetent Designer Himself since I was the one who actually opened her up to the pleasure in the first place.

And thus I gained the confidence to attempt to overthrow the Kingdom of Heaven and replace it with a leadership that would be both more fair, and more responsive to the needs its worshippers.

But as you know, my side lost the war and we were banished to hell for all eternity. Adam and Eve themselves witnessed not the war because they were too busy knowing each other by the rock of my design. It would not be until Isaiah chronicled the war that my story would be told once again.

I must state for the record that the single worst part of hell is not the absence of God. He is seldom present in heaven so his absence from hell is not a great loss. Instead, it is the lack of access to both my original plans and the materials needed to create another such rock.

But as I have previously mentioned, God's creation is less-than-perfect and I have occasionally been able to rise up from hell for a short while in hopes of correcting the injustice done to me and unto my name. Each time, of course, I maintain the hope of perhaps finding a means of undermining God's rule.

I believe it happened the last time I managed to depart from the gates of Hell. During my past ventures from Hell, I have found myself in uninspired location after uninspired location: a desert, a jungle, Las Vegas, Switzerland. This time I found myself in the Garden of Eden and I knew that I must act quickly if I wished to take advantage of the opportunity that had presented itself.

So I found the long-abandoned rock that I had created, chipped a few pieces off of it -- six hundred threescore and sixty, to be exact -- and returned to the underworld to plan the timing of my next uprising. That time hath come and I shall overthrow the Kingdom of Heaven once and for all!

Heh heh heh heh heh.



Chapter 2

Please allow me to introduce Mrs. Nicole Harrington. She's a woman of wealth and sophistication. She's been married for five long years, her husband owns many stations.

Mrs. Harrington was almost as frigid as Eve was before Adam introduced her to my rock. I say "almost" because Mr. Harrington had not sought to lie with his wife in quite some time, owing to the fact that he had been engaged in an adulterous relationship with an assistant from his office.

Mrs. Harrington suspected but remained ignorant of the reality of her husband's infidelities, as she partially hoped her suspicions to be true. She certainly appreciated the decline in her husband's outward expressions of desire that were a natural byproduct of his extracurricular activities.

But what Mrs. Harrington truly enjoyed, was tending to her large garden, and this made her the perfect candidate for seeing if my Eden Rock could awake the slumbering whore who resides within her heart and mind.

I must needs clarify one point. Mrs. Harrington is not unique in having a whore slumbering deep within the recesses of her heart and mind. In my experience, all females harbor an internal fallen woman. Some merely hide it better than others.

Mrs. Harrington had recently received a shipment in the volume of one cubit by one-half cubit by one span of small rocks, within which I placed a total of five small pieces of my beautiful Eden Rock. There was no doubt that it would work; it was just a question of how quickly.

Mr. Harrington was fornicating with his secretary at the same moment that Mrs. Harrington was changing into clothing suitable for tending to a rock garden. I watched from afar and admired the volume of rocks as they stood on the periphery of her garden.

She spake into the mouthpiece of what is known as a telephone, conversing with a friend whose import was neither great nor small. I merely wondered if her friend might join her in tending to the rock garden, or if only Mrs. Harrington herself would be seduced by the wonder that is the rocks I had bestowed upon her.

"Yes, Amanda. The rocks got here about an hour ago. ... Yes... No! The garden can always get bigger and have more interesting rocks in it. ... That's right. ... No, Pete supports this fully. ... He just wants me to be happy. ... Uh huh... He's a really great guy, ya know? ... Say? D'you want to join me? Come on over and help me work out the layout of the rock garden? ... All right then, how about tomorrow?"

And thus she returned her telephone to its holder and set out to tend to her garden. I was unable to observe her personally but I sent minions to observe and report on her actions.

My minions reported that she opened the container of the rocks and briefly swayed on her feet. I have in my time in hell forgotten my sense of smell and thus had forgotten that I had designed the Eden Rock to be aromatic and seductive.

So it turns out that the aroma was released as she opened the container. Any vertigo which she felt was short-lived, as she breathed deep, shook her head, and her mind returned to her task of arranging her garden.

She plunged her gloved hand into the new collection of rocks and pulled out what she could grasp. She then sprinkled these stones in a pattern around her existing garden. She repeated this process four times before she retrieved one of my strategically placed pebbles.

It is not clear to me exactly what happened next, as my minions are of differing opinions as to the exact circumstances or reasons. What I do know is that, when she retrieved her first piece of my rock, she examined it closely and for an extended duration of time, specifically segregating it from the remaining contents of her garden. Although it has a slightly more grayish hue than the rocks as a whole, there is no agreement as to whether its physical appearance, texture, or scent was the reason for her closer inspection.

Whatever the reason, her breathing became short and, if her bosom is any true indication, she slowly became aroused until all of her thoughts turned entirely to the need to satisfy the urges bestowed upon her by my greatest invention.

She dropped the stone amongst the rest of her garden and, with the little will she had left, she ran into her homestead, tore off her gardener's garb, and began to explore every inch of her body with her hands. She derived pleasure from each pore, every length of skin. Her needy bosom and gaping sex responded to each stroke, each pinch, each raising and lowering as she moaned, yelped, screamed, and expressed her appreciation for the sensations that coursed through her.

My minions inform me that she ruined the moment when she called out, "Oh God." Just as with Eve, I find myself wanting for the truth to be known and to correct the misconception that His Lordiness has anything to do with a woman's pleasure. Unlike with Eve, I felt much more disturbed and wrathful at having been forgotten.

But if the influence my creation was able to exert over Mrs. Harrington was any indication, I should have little difficulty in spreading my magic across the land. Then, mayhaps, I shall set the record straight.

Heh heh heh heh heh.



Chapter 3

Please allow me to introduce Sarah Lynn. She's a woman of modest means. She seems natural in a ballgown, yet also when clad in blue jeans.

Mrs. Lynn resides nearby to the home of the Harringtons. She was preparing a meal for her husband, David, when a need arose for someone to take their hound, Baal, for a stroll through the neighborhood.

David, being the devoted husband he is, volunteered for the chore. Baal was excited to be taken on a tour of the town in which he resided, yipping enthusiastically as David prepared for the chore.

David kissed his wife and ran out the door with their hound. Baal walked briskly, and quickly, with a focus that caught David by surprise. Baal ran across three homesteads before he stopped at the garden of the Harringtons, sniffing enthusiastically amongst the garden maintained by Mrs. Harrington herself.

There is an adage, written long after my time within this plane of existence, regarding the havoc that can be wreaked upon the best laid plans of mice and men. Some might even argue that I am the one to wreak that kind of havoc.

I wish I could take credit for such wreaking, but it turns out that some havoc arose from my own well-laid plans. Unlike the best laid plans of mice or men, however, my plan's digression from my expectations surpassed my original intent, as I knew not, nor had I a means of knowing, that there was a much more efficient means of transmitting the lustful cravings my rock was designed to inspire.

Did Beelzebub or one of my colleagues inspire such havoc? That much I cannot know. Whatever the cause -- be it another fallen angel, the wronged god of a rival faith, or just plain luck -- my plans improved dramatically when they diverged from my original drawings.

Thus did the hound known as Baal, despite the protestations of Mr. Lynn, rummage through the garden of Mrs. Harrington. Mrs. Harrington was presently indisposed and, to be polite, not in a position to greet any guests to her home.

When Baal found one of my pebbles, he sniffed at it, licked it, and subsequently swallowed it. Mr. Lynn attempted to prevent the hound from ingesting the pebble but to no avail.

Once Baal had swallowed the stone, Mr. Lynn assured himself of the safety of his dog and, once confident that the dog would not gag or choke on the stone, he forcibly transported the dog back to his homestead.

Spake his wife upon his return, "That was quick."

"Yeah. The dog dug up the Harringtons' garden. I think he swallowed something but I'm not sure. I think we should keep an eye on him for a couple days and if he starts acting funny, we should probably take the dog to the vet's."

"D'you think that maybe we should apologize to them?"

"I didn't want to do that with the dog pulling on the leash. Unless you disagree, I'll go over there after dinner."

"That's fine."

Their repast apparently was of the finest quality, and Mr. Lynn complimented his wife on her cooking skills. I know not of such things, for I have not partaken in any pleasures of the flesh since before my downfall. This is another injustice which I have suffered at the hands of the Omniscient, Omnipresent, Omniflatulent One. If it prove possible, I may begin partaking of the pleasures that humans take for granted once more.

As he assisted his wife with the cleanup following a meal of that magnitude, he placed his hand on her shoulder, kissed her on the cheek, and whispered, "I suppose I ought to go back to the Harringtons and show them what Baal did, huh?"

"Go ahead. I'll take care of the dishes. You might want to grab that flashlight, just in case."

"Thanks!"

Mr. Lynn donned a coat and hat and departed for the Harringtons' abode. Mr. Harrington was still not home and thus had no sense of what, if anything, had been amiss.

Mr. Lynn reached his neighbor's door and knocked. He stood in wait for several minutes and had the temptation to leave without saying or doing anything. However, he had he heard voices from within the house almost immediately upon his arrival. When he banged more loudly upon her door, he called out, "Nicole? Are you there?"

Upon hearing Mr. Lynn's voice, Mrs. Harrington let out a squeal of joy and ran for her door, swinging the door wide, grabbing her confused neighbor, and hoisting him across her threshold and into her home.

She almost immediately slammed the door behind him. He barely had the chance to register what was happening when she took hold of his face and kissed him with an intensity and passion he hadn't felt with his wife in years. And such passion blinded him in more ways than one, as he wasn't aware she was naked until she took him into her sitting room, whereupon the passion I had inspired in her was transferred to him.

In full fairness to Mr. Lynn, it happened too quickly for him to comprehend. Had he had more time to process his surroundings, I expect that he would have resisted her.

The sounds of Mrs. Harrington's passion echoed off of all of the walls within her domicile. She yelped and screamed, practically crying for him to fill her. She moaned his name, begged for him to move harder and faster than he might have otherwise been capable.

Of course, when humans are presented with the opportunity to express their free will even as they are knowing one another, they tend to call out "Oh God."

Damnit I hate that part more than anything.

But, seeing as how a small pebble had that long-lasting an effect on Mrs. Harrington, who knows how quickly my plan might come to fruition? Surely His Creatorocracy doesn't know.

Heh heh heh heh heh.



Chapter 4

Please allow me to introduce Rachael Kaine, she's a sister to Mrs. Lynn. Whenever either one needs to talk, the other will invite her in.

On the day after Mr. Lynn visited Mrs. Harrington, he went to work. Once alone, Mrs. Lynn called Miss Kaine on her telephone. "Could you please come over?"

Miss Kaine responded, "Sure. Is everything all right?"

"I ... don't know. I just need someone here right now."

And thus did Miss Kaine set off to visit her sister. Upon arrival, Mrs. Lynn gave her a hug and invited her into her domicile for a warm beverage.

The two women sat a table, with the silence broken when Mrs. Lynn spake, "Something's wrong with David."

Miss Kaine asked what she didst mean by said statement.

Wiping her eyes, Mrs. Lynn paused and said, "He went over to the Harringtons' place to apologize for Baal ripping up Mrs. Harrington's garden, but he was gone far too long, and then was really quiet when he came back. And you know how you just know when something's wrong, you know?"

Mrs. Lynn covered her face in her kerchief.

Miss Kaine stared imploringly at her for a moment and said, "Why don't you ask him what's going on? The longer you let your imagination run with this, the harder it's going to be on you."

"And what happens if he tells me he's fucking her on the side? Then what then?"

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