The Slightest Opening

"Yes."

"Once you lie, you make it virtually impossible to know when you are lying and when you are not."

"However foolish Rita has been," I said all too smugly, "I'm sure she loves Chuck and she will admit what she has done and she will confirm everything I have told you."

If anything, David's pain radiated even more strongly and in a voice that was racked with despair he said, "You lied for her! She'll lie for you!"

David didn't come to bed that night and he was gone to work when I went downstairs the next morning. I called him at the office but Carrie, his "girl Friday" said he was out in the yard and would call me when he got back in.

He called back about 40 minutes later but we were unable to discuss much.

Things were strained for the rest of the week. He had moved into the guestroom but on the following weekend when the kids came home from camp, it was obvious David was trying to avoid upsetting them as he came back to our bed but still kept his distance..

Rita had called through that week and, although she was sobbing so hard it was difficult to understand her, I gathered that Chuck had moved out and had made an appointment for them to speak to a lawyer.

My emotions ran from one extreme to the other. I was sad and frightened one moment, then I was hurt and angry at David for believing I might have cheated on him. That anger disappeared quickly when I realized how it must have looked to him and how I had lied and caused the doubt myself.

Inevitably Chuck and Rita came up in the all too brief discussions David and I were having, but I discovered one thing that I still find shocking.

I had thought, in my own personal, selfish way, that, because I hadn't actually fucked anyone, hadn't committed adultery as Rita had, from a man's point of view, my guilt was relatively minimal. It took me a while to catch on that, contrary to popular opinion, with a strong, loving, caring man like David, a breach of trust is just as damaging to the relationship.

My continued emphasis on the fact that I hadn't even come close to such an act did little to address the issue that I had lied to our friend and my own husband.

Our efforts to avoid upsetting the kids were obviously unsuccessful as our daughter Mel, whom I've always seen as closer to her Dad, asked me, "Mom, are you and Dad going to get a divorce like Aunt Rita and Uncle Chuck?"

"What makes you ask that?" I replied, avoiding answering.

"Robby and I can both see things are not O.K. I asked Dad and he didn't really answer me either. He said the two of you had a disagreement about something private and you were trying to work it out."

"Mel, your Dad is a wonderful man and I love him very much, but he didn't tell you the whole truth. I told your Dad some lies and I hurt his feelings badly. Because I did lie, it's hard for him to know when I'm telling him the truth and it's impossible to have a good marriage when you don't know if you can trust your partner."

"I caused the trouble and I don't know how to fix it other than make sure I always tell the truth just like I'm doing with you right now."

I don't know if I was putting too much on Mel when I did that but I did notice a slight improvement in my interaction with David. He seemed less hostile but perhaps more sad after that.

He had moved back into our bedroom when the kids returned but there was a cold separation between us when in the bed. I felt I had to respect his needs in this and in keeping with my position of, the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, I told him I would prefer to hold him or be held by him but that as long as he wanted, I would keep my distance.

After almost 6 weeks of living apart and communicating through their lawyer, Chuck and Rita started to see a counsellor. The fact that they continued to use only one lawyer was a good sign; that they were seeing a counsellor was even better.

I wished that David and I were making some progress to resolution as they appeared to be, but we weren't!

Not from lack of trying on my part or even, David's. He called from the office one day and asked me out for dinner. We had a pleasant evening and as it was obvious he was trying to close the gap between us, I started to make blatantly sexual overtures. I went to the ladies room and removed my pantyhose and panties making sure he knew what I had done.

When we returned home that night we attempted to make love that night in our bed but it seemed like we fucked for an eternity but neither of us could climax and we finally just stopped.

After that, at my suggestion, one to which David quickly agreed, we started seeing a counsellor ourselves.

We met together with our counsellor Dianne Beslow and then again, separately. I left nothing out and told her all the details, adding how I felt and how much I loved David and that, although I was upset he thought that I had cheated on him, I just wanted to get past this foolish thing I had done.

Dianne seemed so kind and considerate at first, but once the introductory meetings were done and we got down to business, she seemed rather unsympathetic. In fact, she was almost hostile!

During my private meeting with her she made it clear my breach of trust had put our marriage in jeopardy.

She had just finished a 45 minute meeting with David and once he had left her office and I entered and sat down, she started in on me like she had a personal stake in our relationship. There was no "psychobabble" or prolonged "this, that or the other thing".

Just, "Wow Lisa, from everything you told me, you've been a real ass! By your own description, you have as fine a man as you or I or any woman would want and you misled him, outright lied to him, allowed yourself to be photographed at a private party when you had told him you were going out for dinner by a P.I. who was investigating an infidelity carried on by the woman you were with, an infidelity that you were aware of and had been instrumental in covering up, your vehicle was left at the Marriott that night and the P.I. correctly reported that she had not seen you return in a cab and that your vehicle did not return at all that night . . . and you're pissed because he thinks you may have cheated on him."

"You better get back to the real world girl. The only suggestion I can make is, if he gives you the slightest opening, you jump in and say and do what ever it takes to keep him or be prepared to do without him for the rest of your life.

You have put your marriage in serious jeopardy!"

I was shell shocked!

Clearly she had sided with David and, realizing she had, made me look once again at how it must have looked to him.

I lied to him.

He had pictures of me with another man, apparently at some sort of party.

He was told that a P.I. had accompanied me there, that we had told her we had another "appointment" later that evening and that my car was not back at our home at all that night.

He knew his friend had some cause to believe his wife, my best friend, had been involved with someone.

To counter all this, I expected him to believe me when I finally told him the truth . . . but in the knowledge I had already lied to him.

On the way home I was feeling low and clearly to blame for all our ills. I was expecting David to be at least a little smug and sanctimonious but he wasn't!

He seemed troubled and unsure.

That was confusing because it was obvious to me that Dianne had seen fit to agree that I had messed up. She certainly made that clear to me and, I assumed, to David.

David started to speak but was clearly having difficulty getting it out.

Then my chest constricted. I feared the worst. He was trying to tell me he was leaving me.

Not knowing what to do I was silent, my mind a jumble of thoughts but after a while he said in a quiet voice, "Lisa, . . . I'm sorry for not trusting you when you finally told the whole story."

I was caught off guard and, although now more confused than fearful, and still not knowing what to say, I remained silent.

"I was scared! Scared of losing you!" he continued, "Dianne was pretty rough on me in there and made me see that it was only my own petty fears and my male ego that were hurting me, . . .hurting us. You screwed up, but, however upset I was at the lies you did tell, I should have seen you were only trying to help our friends. She asked me that, if the situation were reversed, would I have lied for Chuck if I thought it would have helped him and Rita."

"I said I didn't know, but after giving it some thought, I know I probably would have, especially if I believed Chuck was going to end it and devote himself to Rita."

"I'm truly sorry Lisa. I love you and I'm asking you to forgive me but I need to know you'll confide in me if you ever get into a spot like that again! No more lies!"

Do you think that was the "slightest opening" Dianne might have been telling me about?

With a joy I hadn't felt since that night, I replied, "First, yes I agree, no more lies. As far as forgiving you is concerned, I'll do that as I work out forgiving myself. David, you give me half a chance and I'll make up for the pain all this has caused you.

I will love and cherish you for the rest of our lives and I'll fuck you, suck you and make love to you as much as you'll let me. In fact, if you think you can manage to keep the car on the road, I'd like to get started as soon as possible."

I did get started on the way home that day and although it was touch and go a couple of times, David did manage to keep the car on the road.

Later that night, after some wonderfully exhausting love making, we talked long into the night.

By the end of that talk David had asked for three things:

One, that we keep our promise of confiding in each other, no more lies!

Two, that I keep my promise to fuck, suck and make love to him as much as he would let me.

And;

Three, that I not get so totally lost in that second promise that I miss out on keeping him in line and putting him in his place whenever he oversteps himself. He wants an equal partner for a wife and given that "slightest opening", that's what I'm going to be.