All Comments on 'Their First Toys Ch. 09'

I found the Premise to be good, and the development was not bad, however the sentence structure seemed awkward and at time broken. Also much of the action was described very quickly..

example: he put cock in hole, she came, then she sucked him hard and her roommate sucked him too, then they cleaned up, and got food...

While this tells a reader what happened, It doesn't describe it well, its lacking all the details that make it really fun to read.

Thanks for the good comment. I realize now that the shortcoming of not getting in anyone's head was that that is where the erotic stuff is. I knew what they were thinking ( ;-D , my fun!), but I couldn't have them talking all the time about how good it felt, the tingling anticipation, etc.

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