Things My Mother Told Her

I kept in contact with my dad. I used a cheap track phone that I'd bought using cash from a gas station. Dad was the only person I called on that phone. I got the number of my iPhone changed. When I called Dad that first week, he told me how pissed Kathy was that I'd sold the house and moved. When she'd pulled up and found all of her stuff out by the curb awaiting trash pick-up, she'd gone crazy and stormed the door.

The new owners, a retired couple in their seventies, explained to her that they'd just bought the house and had just moved in. There was nothing Kathy could do about it. The sale was totally legal.

I'd also drained our accounts totally. Kathy was dead ass broke. She didn't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. Dad spent an hour laughing and telling me about all of her threats and the names she called me.

The more we talked, the more it became apparent that my dad was proud of me for what I'd done. I'd been fortunate enough to do what he was never able to.

Over the next few weeks, I called my dad often. After a while, I'd started to feel some tension in him. I asked him what was going on.

"Son, Kathy and your mother are going crazy. Your mom keeps filling that girl's head with shit. And Kathy apparently isn't wrapped too tight because she believes it. In her mind, YOU broke HER heart. They made me pay for a private investigator to try to find you. So far he hasn't come up with shit. You did a good job of covering your tail. I assume you have all new credit cards and everything else because they haven't been able to find a trace of you. Shit, after reading the reports and they are thorough, I'd almost believe you'd just ceased to exist too."

Okay, Dad," I said. "I tried twice to be nice to that bitch. I tried to get a fair and legal divorce from her but she wanted to play games. Then I tried just going my way and letting her go hers. But I can see that Kathy and mom are putting a lot of pressure on you, both emotionally and financially, so I'm going to take her ass off of the table. You'll have to deal with mom on your own. It'll take me a few days to figure it out. Can you hang on for that long?"

He told me he could and I started planning. Over the month or so that I'd been here, I'd made a few friends. Some of them were very good friends, especially Jeff Withers. Jeff Drove a Mustang GT the same generation as mine and had added a lot of the same performance parts that I had. Jeff had gotten me to join the local chapter of the Mustang Club of America. I really wasn't much of a joiner but they turned out to be really great people and we all had a lot in common.

Jeff was a single guy and he loved traveling and women. Getting Jeff to loan me his apartment wasn't difficult. After living here a month, I'd had to give up my apartment and buy a house just outside of the city. Apartment living simply wasn't for me. I needed the room of a house. I was building a deck and landscaping my back yard. There was also the fact that no matter which city you live in, crime is a part of life. When I lived in the apartment, I'd had to park my Mustang either on the street or in the parking spaces behind the building. In both cases, my baby was at the mercy of both the elements and the criminal element. As soon as I bought the house, I felt much better. My car felt better once she had her own garage again or at least I felt better for her.

As I said, getting Jeff to loan me his apartment wasn't difficult. Getting him to trade cars with me for a week was a bitch. I had to promise to let him have a couple of parties during the year at my house. I also had to agree to let him park his Mustang in the second slot in my two car garage over the upcoming winter. My Jeep would have to stay outside, but shit, that's what Jeeps are made for.

With all of the details of my plan worked out, I had to reel in the fish. Unlike most fish though, women are sneaky and suspicious. I had to make her work for it. If I just gave her the information, Kathy and my mom would probably smell a trap. I had to do it in a way that made it look like they were outsmarting me.

I called Dad during a time when I knew he'd be at the dinner table with Mom and Kathy. We'd rehearsed his lines before-hand. It was really cool to listen to him acting over the phone.

"Uhm, yeah," he said. "I can do that. Where is it? Oh, it's still in the old garage. Do you think they'll let me have it? Okay, you called them already. Where? Wait let me get a pen and some paper. Okay, where should I send it? Hang on, I'm writing it down. Do you think I'm stupid or something? Yes, I'll destroy the address as soon as I send the package. You don't trust me? You're sending me your work address instead. That's still good, as long as you can get your stuff. Okay, bye."

When he said, "Bye," dad hadn't really hung up the phone and I could hear both Kathy and my mom grilling him over the still open phone line.

"Who was that Honey?" asked my mom.

"Just a guy I know," said my Dad. "He needs me to do something for him. I'm probably going to run out and do it after dinner. You're coming with me."

"It was Brian wasn't it?" snapped Kathy. "I can't believe you've been talking to him for all of this time and didn't tell me."

"Blood is thicker than sleaze," said my dad.

"You didn't tell me either," snapped my mom. "And I'm his mother. He's my blood too."

"He hasn't considered you his mother since...well you know when," said my dad.

"Where is he?" asked Kathy. "I just need to see him. If I could just talk to him, I'm sure I could convince him to come back and once we're back together, I'd be out of your house and out of your hair."

"No way," said my dad.

"Honey, just tell me then," said my mom.

"Not happening," said my dad.

"Things could get pretty cold in the bedroom," hinted my mom.

"Woman, you really need to think about what you're saying," hissed my dad. "We're in our sixties. It's always cold in our bedroom. If I need to get warmer, I either turn up the heat or add another blanket to the bed. What you need to think about is that winter is coming and it'll be pretty fucking cold on the streets too. Remember what it was like last time you were on your own. And you aren't really a spring chicken anymore."

My mom didn't utter a single word for the rest of the conversation. I was laughing my ass off.

"I don't trust either of you," said my dad. "He tore the paper that he'd written the address down on off of the pad, balled it up like we'd planned and burned it with his lighter."

"I'm not senile yet," he said. "I can remember most of the address."

After dinner he and my mom went over to my old house. I'd already called the new owners and asked them to give my dad a box of junk and pretend it was important. They understood that sometimes you have to humor older people. They ended up inviting my mom and dad in for coffee and had a good time. I later found out that my mom was really pissed that Dad decided to wait until the next day to ship it out, because she'd been hoping to get a copy of the address when she and dad went to the Fed-Ex drop off store.

She didn't need to. I'd told dad already how sneaky Kathy was. You don't live with a woman for twelve years without finding out how devious she can be. I'd had dad write really hard as if he was angry. I was sure that Kathy would figure out the address.

According to dad, when he and mom got back Kathy was already packing. As I'd figured she'd done that old school kids trick where she'd run a pencil back and forth over the pad dad had used until she got the address from the impressions his pen had left. She'd borrowed more money from mom and left that night. Dad said she even kissed him and mom goodbye before she left, supposedly to visit a sick friend. She and mom really thought they were fucking detectives.

The funniest thing was that she had worked so hard to organize her own downfall.

I'd told my new boss that I needed a few days off to handle a family issue. He agreed, but told me it would have to come from my vacation time. That was like a kick in the nuts (Sorry Josh) because I hadn't been on the job long enough to build up very much vacation time yet. But I figured it was worth it.

The next day, I called my dad and found out that he'd listened to my mom and Kathy on the phone. Kathy had driven all night and she was going to wait for me outside of what she thought was the building I worked in. I drove there in Jeff's Mustang and went inside. She moved her car closer to Jeff's car and waited for me.

Jeff's office was only one in a huge building. There were stores, offices for doctors and lawyers and a host of other businesses including a movie theater. Kathy had no idea which office or business I worked for and in actuality, I worked clear across town. I spent the first few hours of the morning window shopping. Then I grabbed Jeff and his adorable secretary and took them out to lunch. Jeff and I pretended not to see Kathy following us. We talked loudly about what we were doing including me bragging about how I'd be leaving at three that day.

"Got a hot date?" asked Jeff.

"Maybe," I replied. "I won't know how hot until I get her home. It's been so long since I've had sex that I think I've forgotten how. I'd probably screw anything that isn't nailed down right now."

"Including me?" asked Jeff's secretary.

"Sorry Annabelle," I said. "You're too nice of a lady for that. Maybe when I get over my emotional problems we'll talk. Besides you're married."

Kathy's face was getting angrier by the second as she sat in the booth behind us. I'd noticed that she'd been walking funny when she got into the restaurant. It took me a while to figure out that she'd been waiting for me outside the whole time and hadn't been able to use the restroom. She'd been able to quickly relieve herself in the restaurant's ladies room and now she was pissed over what she believed was my carefree lifestyle. Jeff and Annabelle were both calling me Brian instead of Carl, my new name.

She followed us back to the building when we left the restaurant, which gave me the idea that she wanted to confront me alone instead of with my friends. I was sure that she also wanted to follow me home. I could always get another job, but it would take time for me to find another place to live if I just tried to disappear again.

For the afternoon, I made sure I had Jeff's cell phone on speed dial. Then I went to the movies to see that new movie the Bourne Legacy. I felt like seeing a spy drama to get me in the mood for the afternoon.

As soon as the movie ended, I walked back to my car. It was a few minutes after three. I waved at several people as I walked through the parking lot and spoke to them like I knew them. Everything about me said that I'd been here for a while and this was part of my everyday routine. I got into Jeff's Mustang and drove relatively slowly, back to his apartment. What happened next was one of my favorite parts of the whole scenario. The previous day I'd bought ice cream from the passing ice cream truck for a lot of the kids playing in front of Jeff's building.

As I got out of the car, they all came running up to me. A couple of them pointed me out to their mothers and I waved at them too. I was sure that Kathy was even more pissed now because a couple of those young mothers were hot. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her get out of her car and come towards me. I ducked into the building. I had to act quickly. I told the doorman to let Kathy in. He remembered me since Jeff and I had spoken to him previously. He was helping us for two reasons. The first was that we were paying him fifty bucks. The second reason was because as a divorced guy himself, he was always willing to help stick it to a cheater; especially since he'd gotten fleeced in his divorce.

I got into the elevator alone and rode it up to the fifth floor where Jeff lived. I was sure that I'd walked slowly enough that Kathy could see which floor the elevator stopped on. I waited near the elevators until the next one came. Just as the doors opened, I yelled. "Okay, see ya later," to an imaginary person down the hallway. That way Kathy wouldn't think that I'd been waiting for her. She'd hear the end of a conversation and think that I'd stopped to speak with one of my neighbors. I walked down the hall and fumbled with Jeff's keys to give her the chance to get closer.

Just as I got the door open she barged right into the apartment behind me.

"Hello Brian," she said smugly. "Did you miss me?"

"Kathy!" I said in pretend shock. "How did you find me?"

"It was fate," she said. "We're meant to be together. " She walked around the living room touching several items, but never took her eyes off of me.

"Well this is kind of small for the two of us, but we'll make due until we get a bigger place. Besides it's cozy. It'll bring us closer together after we get used to it," she said.

"What the fuck are you talking about, crazy woman?" I asked. "We're not getting back together."

"Brian we don't have to get back together. We're married," she spat.

"I tried to divorce you," I spat.

"Pfah, I blocked that shit," she said smugly.

"Which is why I left town," I retorted. "Just because we're married it doesn't mean we have to live together."

"What you did was you ran out on me," she said. "That's abandonment."

"Which again is grounds for divorce," I said.

"I don't want a divorce, Brian," she said. "What I want is us back together and now I have it."

"Look Kathy, we need to have a serious talk about all of this," I said in a very defeated tone. "I have a date tonight that I need to start getting ready for. She's a really nice lady and I'd hate to disappoint her. I guess I'll have you spying on me on that date too huh?"

"No Brian," she said. She had a funny look on her face. I think I'd tipped her off that I'd seen her following me.I also think she knew that if she left the apartment I'd never let her back in.

"I'm going to wait right here in our apartment," she said, smiling. Don't bring the bimbo home with you. I'd hate to embarrass you in front of her. Besides, like you told your friends, this whole date is just about you getting some pussy. You have all you need right here."

"No thanks," I said. "I like mine disease free."

"Whatever," she said. "Just get your ass back here so I can talk to you. We need to work this out. Things between us are getting out of hand. And Brian, I've been watching you. If you want kids, we can have our own. I saw the way you were with those kids in front of the building. And I also saw how half of their mothers were looking at you as daddy material."

I busied myself getting ready for my non-existent date. I was picking up several small items that she'd touched and putting them into my pocket. Then I leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. She smiled and I picked up a box with some knick knacks in it.

"Kathy, can you hand me my watch? My hands are full," I said. She looked on the counter and picked up a big gold fake Rolex that Jeff used to impress rich women.

"Wow, nice watch," she said looking it over. "Maybe we should get me a ladies watch to match it."

"My hands are full," I said.

"So, what do you want now?" she asked.

"A kiss goodbye," I said.

"Awwww! I can do that," she said. "Hurry back."

I closed the door and immediately hit Jeff's cell on my speed dial. Across town, Jeff was calling 911 and heading home. I put on gloves so I wouldn't leave finger prints on it and left Jeff's Faux-Lex watch on the front seat of Kathy's car that she forgot I had a key to. I put the other small items that she'd touched on the back seat and the entire box of knick knacks in her trunk. Jeff was just pulling up as I walked away from her car. We high fived each other, switched car keys and paid the doorman for his part in the fun. Just as I pulled out of the lot, the police cars arrived. I pulled off the road to let them by as any good citizen would do when official vehicles with sirens blaring are in the vicinity.

I called home and spoke to my dad. There was no need for any further subterfuge so I used my iPhone. "Hey Dad," I said. "Her ass is grass and I've started the lawn mower."

My mom got on the line. "Brian, is that you? Did Kathy find you?" she asked. I hung up the phone.

The next evening I was having a steak with Jeff while he told me what had happened. After I'd left he'd called the police to report a break in and told them that the burglar was still there. The police had come in with sirens blaring and went up to his apartment.

When they'd found Kathy sitting there on his couch getting comfortable, they'd been shocked and he had as well. Kathy had sworn that it was her and her husband's apartment. And Jeff had told them that it was his apartment and he'd been living there for more than four years. Jeff also told them that he'd never heard of or met anyone named Brian. The doorman had, of course, proven Jeff to be right as had the building manager.

The doorman had said that he'd seen Kathy going and coming several times during that day and Kathy had sworn he was lying. Jeff started asking about several things in his apartment that were missing. The police had followed Kathy out to her car and found several things, including the watch Jeff had asked about in Kathy's car. Jeff told them that he'd been on vacation for a few days and hadn't been there.

The police told Jeff that there had been a rash of people whose apartments had been robbed and ransacked while they were out of town. Once they booked Kathy on suspicion of burglary and took her finger prints, they found her prints on several of Jeff's items and put her in jail. Kathy used her phone call to call my mom. Dad refused to either bail Kathy out or provide a lawyer for her so she ended up with a public defender.

Kathy told the police over and over again how she'd gone into the apartment to be with her husband, Brian. The police took down her information. She also told them that I worked in the big office building downtown and was friends with a lot of the workers there. They checked and found no record of me working in any of the offices or businesses in the building. The police had what they thought was a pretty strong case. They'd found her in an apartment that didn't belong to her without the permission of the person who lived there. They'd also found several items in her car that had been stolen from that apartment and they had her fingerprints on most of the items. It just didn't look good for her.

Kathy refused to take a plea, so a few weeks later a judge gave her five to seven for breaking and entering, trespassing, burglary, petty theft and home invasion. It turned out that we got lucky. That judge himself had his home broken into while he'd been on vacation and he tried to break his foot off in Kathy's ass when it came to the sentencing.

Kathy was supposed to serve out her sentence in the women's prison near our home town. Her lawyer did manage to get that for her. It meant that at least mom could visit her while she was in prison. It also meant that since my wife was a convicted criminal, getting my divorce was child's play and I was a happy camper.

I couldn't help twisting the knife one last time, so I went to see her in prison too. I tapped on the glass and the partition opened so we could see each other.

"Hey, Kath. You look good in that orange jumpsuit," I said.

"Fuck you Brian," she hissed. "When I get out of here..."

"Kathy," I said, interrupting her in the coldest voice I could manage. "Shut the fuck up and quit while you're behind. You cheated on me and fucked up what had been a good marriage. I tried to let you slide twice, but you kept pushing. You deserved what you got. Next time you start any shit with me it'll be worse. When you get out of jail, you'll be in your mid to late forties. You'll have enough life left that you can start all over again if you can find someone who wants to put up with your shit. On the other hand, if you want to fuck with me, I'll have at least five years to plan a way to get you locked up for a lot longer."