This Time...

"I had never intended on seeking your forgiveness Carol. I wanted to not let you harbor any more ill feelings for Lady Juliana. She offered her friendship to you and it has been a long time for both of you. I was the one who tampered in your friendship, whatever that friendship was to be. For that I can never be forgiven for the time that was lost between the two of you."

And with that, Glen left the room and Carol had only the flicker from the fireplace to comfort her.

Waking up alone had been startling. But she had assumed that Lord Xavier had called Miss Julie away. Quietly, Carol had gathered her clothes grateful that there seemed to be no presence of servants in the room. She hadn't quite gotten used to their near perfect silence when shuffling from one room to another. Carol dressed herself and then gently brushed her locks with her fingers, which was the best she could do considering she was alone in a strange house.

She had spent the next days hoping for a glimpse around any corner. But Julie was nowhere to be found. To herself, she wondered what she had done wrong to not hear a thing from Julie. And another part of her tried to comfort her by reminding her that this world had multiple sexual partners that she might never had experienced Julie's full range of sexual encounters and simply just bored her. But the part that hurt her the most, was not being able to ask Julie what she had done wrong to deserve such treatment. She had given full trust to someone she had barely known.

The scar of that night had never completely healed. Back in the 'real world', she had attempted dating in her life but couldn't find anything to quench the emptiness in the place in her heart. There had been men who made her heart stop, but she just hadn't pulled it together to feel complete.

There had been counselors, there had been medication for the depression, but something was still missing.

Now, sitting in the darkened room with her thoughts, Carol wondered about the wisdom of wanting to revisit the old pain. She pulled her knees to her chest and hugged them tightly.

What if Julie feels as badly as I do? she wondered to herself.

Carol closed her eyes and knew that it wasn't a possibility. Lady Juliana was like many of the other risen here. They were able to separate their love from their ability to initiate and get trust from people.

Carol had wandered back to her mother's room to sit with her now that she was likely to be awake.

Lady Sara was dressed and sitting on a lounge next to the fire place and was happy to see her daughter again.

"I thought it was a daydream, but you're here now again. I know it's true." Her mother touched her face.

"I'm glad to see you look well right now Momma." Carol smiled.

Lady Sara looked into her daughter's eyes. Her mother's heart ached for the pain that her daughter so clearly carried.

Is it my dying that is a problem? Or is it heart ache? Sara wondered.

Part Nine

Laurie greeted Lady Juliana. If Laurie was surprised at Lady Juliana's appearance, she showed no sign of distress.

"Is Lady Sara well?"

"She is doing better now that her daughter is here to chat."

"I had hopped to speak to Carol."

Sir Glen came out of his office.

"Laurie, please check on Lady Sara." And Laurie slipped away.

Sir Glen and Lady Juliana stood ten feet apart from one another, staring at each other.

"You are welcome to stay here if you wish. I know Carol could use a friend."

"Thank you for your kindness Sir Glen, but I could not impose. I just wished to speak to her."

"I'll let her know you were here, I can send transportation to you when she is able."

Lady Juliana bowed her head. "Thank you Sir Glen."

It was a strange dance they had to suffer.

"I can speak to you now." Carol had entered the grand entryway and saw how both Juliana and Glen regarded the other carefully as if one were challenging the other for authority.

"Feel free to use my office." And with that, Sir Glen had raised a white flag of truce.

Carol and Juliana were inside, with the door closed; the candles illuminated a man's sanctuary of fine wooden bookcases and polished leather chairs.

Carol sat in a chair and drew her knees to her chest.

"I didn't think I'd see you again after this morning. What brought you here?"

"I didn't leave your side willingly Carol. I need you to know that. I never have been like that with any lover before. And maybe it feels like we have too much unsaid. It's been years, and I would understand if you were not interested in finally finishing what we started." Juliana couldn't believe she just blurted all of that out. In her head she had rehearsed something less blunt, something less desperate.

To her credit, Carol didn't laugh. In fact, in light of all the information she had received and was still reeling from, Carol spoke up slowly. "Juliana, there has been no one. I would love to say that it was because I couldn't think about anyone other than you. It wasn't for trying. I tried to find someone else, but every time I looked, there was no one but you. I know then you have this life here I can't ask you to leave and I'm not sure I belong here."

"You can ask me to leave."

"What?"

"You can ask me to leave."

"You'd do that?"

"For you. Only for you."

Carol shrunk back surprised that Juliana had been willing to instantly give up everything she put up her entire life.

"It's not a trick Carol. If you asked, I would leave everything. I can get a job waiting tables; I can run a garbage truck. I waited for you. Nothing was the same without you here. And your life is out there. I can wait. I can do that life because it would mean I'd be with you." Though it had been impulsive, Juliana knew that she had spoken the truth.

"You thought all of this through already?" Carol swallowed hard and continued backing away from Juliana's outstretched hand.

Juliana dropped her hand and her head.

"We'll have a lot to work through Carol, but I'm willing to do the work, whatever it takes for us to find the closure or being able to continue. It's not where we left off but what we do share is a whole new opportunity."

"I want some time alone right now." Carol pushed past Juliana and ran out of the office, leaving the door wide open.

Juliana wanted to run after the heels that clicked on the polished marble floor and up the stairs to the carpeted hallway, but knew better. Carol needed to make this choice herself and there was nothing Juliana could say to sway her.

Part Ten

Carol dried her tears as the sunlight began to bathe the room she had. She went to the bathroom and changed her clothes for a warm bath to relax her.

I am not going to think about Juliana. I am going to go down to see my mother. She told herself.

She got dressed and went downstairs to see her mother. Laurie and a few servants were helping her mother put on her robe so she could sit by the fireplace.

"It's too cold outside Carol. I thought we'd spend the morning here."

"Breakfast will be brought here." Laurie whispered.

Carol smiled and sat by her mother.

"What did you get yourself into last night?" Sara asked her daughter.

"Nothing much, just a quiet night Momma."

"Lady Juliana came by last night."

Carol suppressed a flicker of stress. "She told me that she'd spoken to you. It's been a long time. She seemed unhappy that she and you had not been able to reconnect."

"She and I spoke, but there is nothing other than we spoke."

Sara smiled and wanted to say more, but knew it was better to say nothing at all this time. She wanted to enjoy the time with her daughter. And sadly, if her daughter did not know how to repair a broken heart now, there was little comfort a mother who had her share of broken hearts could give her.

"You gave my daughter your cloak." Lady Sara had said simply after Juliana had been recognized as risen at her own ceremony.

Juliana swallowed hard.

"I trust that you know what that means and that you better honor that promise." And then Lady Sara was no longer the mother bear protecting her cub and back to enjoying the wine and chatter with other companions throughout the evening.

Juliana had no other way of trying to communicate to Carol, afraid that she might make another hasty choice. But since Carol had been gone for all these years, why would it matter?

But the conversation last night was much more difficult for Lady Sara.

"You promised my daughter your protection. I want you to make sure you do it in my place Juliana. You didn't know what you offered then, but I am making you understand it now. She will have no one here or even out in her world. She may trust Glen, but she knows you."

"I am afraid she might wish that I had not been here for her to see at all."

"She will forgive you when the time is right. But she'll need you, all of you. Don't leave her again."

"Momma, I feel horrible for wanting to ask this, but who was my father?"

Sara had not quite braced herself for this question. She figured that since she had managed to dodge the bullet when Carol was a child that she would never have to actually have this conversation.

Sara sighed, "Sadly Carol, I don't really know. I was probably not quite as careful as I should have been and we were never as a whole careful those years ago."

"I had hoped that I could..." Carol trailed off sadly. She was steeling herself inside again for the understanding to settle in that she was going to be an orphan. Her mother held her hand.

"Carol, I know it's not going to comfort you but the people here are you were thrilled when you were born, they pledged to watch for you if I could not finish raising you. They look at you and see their own little girl. I couldn't ask that more from anyone. I don't expect you to want any of these people in your life, but I know that they'd take care of you just as they've taken care of me."

Carol nodded and kissed her mother's forehead. "I understand Momma. It's all right."

Sara had an ache in her heart for her daughter struggling with being alone with friends. It was nothing she wanted for her daughter. The simple fact was that one always wants some more time with the people you loved and then dealing with the fact of the time that exists for each person is already been dealt by the hands of fate. It wasn't going to be easy.

"I love you Carol."

"I love you too Momma."

Sara lay on the lounge and looked at the flickering fireplace.

"After breakfast Carol, I think I'd like to take a nap."

A tray came in right by where they were sitting.

"Tea or Coffee Momma?" Carol reached for a white china cup.

"Tea please. I can't shake this chill."

Carol poured a cup for her mother and handed her the cup.

Sara inhaled, "Oh, chamomile, it's my favorite." She took a small sip as Carol took a cup of coffee.

They enjoyed the quiet time being together and when the cups were cleared away, Carol kissed her mother's forehead.

"I'll be back at lunch Momma." Sara's eyes were already closed when Carol whispered her afternoon promise.

"I love you Momma."

And with that, Carol slipped out of her mother's room and out to the terrace and looked over the garden. The green rolling grass and the lines of red and white roses that led to a gazebo.

She went up to the gazebo, a half hour walk, stretched as Carol paused at the white roses and red roses, looking at them in their different states, the tight little buds and then the full blooms.

The gazebo was on a knoll, over looking a lake with a few swans wandering through the grey water.

Carol leaned on a railing and sank to sit on a bench looking as the sun rose higher on the water putting silver flecks into the tiny waves behind the swans.

She was reminded briefly about the significance of white roses and red roses. The new love contained in white rosebuds that bloom and wait to be replaced by heartier, red roses were all over this gazebo.

She looked over wondered if her mother had ever been handed a dozen red roses, the promise of a love to continue. Her heart sank a little realizing she had never been handed any herself.

The blow that her mother never knew her father was dulling. She was glad because she would have hated to not know him. That he was unable to leave this world as her mother had to be a part of her life. There was a hope that she could be happy with the prospect of getting to know a man while grieving for her mother.

Her heart squeezed tightly, she wasn't ready to give up her mother. However, having breakfast with her and watching her lay so weakly on the lounge helped her realize that her mother was tired and that she was hanging on for a reason that Carol couldn't quite understand.

And then her mother's careful managing of bringing up her friendship with Lady Juliana.

Is there anyone in this world that doesn't know that I slept with Julie that night? Carol hung her head.

She thought about what might have been if her time with Juliana had not been taken away from her. Julie's image that night and the soft whispers that had never left her mind. She wanted to know that they still existed.

She looked up at a single white rosebud creeping towards a red rose bud. Both hung between columns on the gazebo, their vines letting them sway gently with a light breeze from the lake.

"I want to finish what we might have started Juliana. I don't know how to even tell you, but I have put my entire life on hold wanting that answer. And it has it's own sort of sadness that I did that to myself, but when I see you now, I know that this chance we were willing to take on each other back then, can still play out now." She spoke to herself and put her head on her arm and tried to think about anything else.

Carol reached up and touched the silken petals.

"For all the things that are beautiful in this world, there is nothing more beautiful than potential" she whispered to the little buds and then returned to the house.

Julie was standing at the foot of the stairs that led to the garden.

"Carol...before you go in, your mother is weaker." Juliana made a motion to take Carol's arm.

"I know. I was just there a bit ago. She wanted to take a nap."

"She fell from the lounge while you were gone. They've moved her to the bed, but they don't think she'll last the day."

Carol swallowed hard. "I, I can see her?"

"Yes, of course." Julie went up with her into Sara's rooms.

Sara was not awake and Carol supposed it was for the best and sat beside her mother and took her hands. Carol leaned over and kissed her mother's forehead and whispered, "It's okay Momma. I'll be fine. You do what you need to do."

"Lady Sara, Carol is here." Julie said softly and put a comforting arm around Carol's shoulders. Hesitantly, Julie kissed Carol's cheek and then pulled away.

"Wait." Carol said her voice strangled with tears.

"I don't want to be here alone with my mother. Please stay with me."

Juliana looked into Carol's eyes, brimming with tears.

"Of course." Juliana took Carol's hand and put it on Sara's.

It was only a few hours before Carol watched her mother's chest stop moving. The tears had long since dried from fear. There was nothing left but to turn into Juliana's shoulder wishing for more tears.

Juliana was startled but wrapped her arms around Carol tightly. A few hours later, she convinced Carol to come upstairs to rest. Carol protested only briefly but followed Juliana to her room.

Carol fell asleep almost instantly. Juliana sank into a chair in front of the fireplace in the room and watched Carol sleep the remainder of the afternoon away. Juliana lit a single white candle and left it by the window.

When Carol woke up, the candle was low and Juliana was sitting there.

"What time is it?" she asked sitting up.

"After one. Are you hungry? Laurie can have something made."

"One? I slept the day away?"

"It'll be okay." Juliana said, afraid to cross the divide between the chairs to the canopied bed.

For hours Juliana had stared at the bed and the form toss and turn. She suppressed her will to go over and hold her.

"Julie?"

"Yes?"

"She's dead...my mother is dead."

"Yes honey. She is."

"I don't want to be alone."

"We can go downstairs and have something to eat. You should eat."

"I can't; not yet." Her voice trembled. "You won't leave me will you?" Carol summoned the courage to look up into Juliana's eyes. Though they were ten feet apart, Juliana wished they were further.

Juliana crossed and held her hand for Carol.

"Just a little something." She wheedled.

Carol hesitated staring at Juliana's outstretched hand. Then with a little more courage, Carol took it and Juliana pulled her to her feet, putting an arm around her waist and walking out of the room with her. Carol went with Juliana and was fairly empty and mechanical through the short trip downstairs.

When Juliana was satisfied that Carol had eaten something, she led Carol back upstairs, Carol looked at the bed briefly.

Juliana hesitated again, pausing a few feet before Carol's bed and started pulling away when Carol said, "I can't be alone Juliana."

"I'll be here watching you." Juliana wished her words hadn't come from her mouth so easily.

Carol shook her head.

Juliana was more insistent this time. "I can't promise that I'll be any different. I can't be in a bed with you and not want you Carol. I've wanted you since I first saw you. I wanted you when you came up the stairs into my home. You're vulnerable and I don't think that this would be the best situation for us when we have to settle so much." She explained and cupped Carol's face in her hand.

She's beautiful. Juliana sighed, She's still beautiful.

Carol sensed Juliana's hesitation and kissed her hand. Then she looked into Juliana's eyes. "It's okay Juliana. I'm not a child. I know what it is to wake up in the morning and know that there are consequences. I just don't want you to leave me in the middle of the night again."

"Not if I can help it." Juliana kissed Carol's forehead.

This time, Carol pulled Juliana to the bed and folded herself up against her. She reached up and unlocked the chain from around Juliana's throat, letting the cloak fall to the floor. Juliana followed, mostly out of curiosity and mostly because she wanted Carol to be comfortable.

"Thank you." Carol whispered and closed her eyes, listening to Juliana breath.

For Juliana, it had been harder to sit in the chair and stare as Carol lay alone and wanting her touch. And now having this was almost too much. Juliana's body hugged her curves, pressing against her drawing from her strength.

"You're welcome." Juliana said, knowing full well that a deep sleep had taken Carol away. Somehow it was if those years between hadn't mattered. This was right: they were meant to be together. Juliana reached over and stroked Carol's hair and fell asleep.

Juliana had lived for years with emotional deprivation. She knew that this was a limit and she'd accept it. Carol's trust in her had not changed from the way it had been years ago. Juliana swallowed hard as a tear escaped and tumbled down her cheek. The day had been as hard for Carol as it was Juliana.

Juliana admired Carol's strength. That whatever had transpired between the two of them that she didn't break down entirely. Juliana appreciated the fact that Carol was making her promise to Lady Sara very easy. Juliana did imagine that eventually they would have to face each other and get through their past.

Juliana settled against Carol. No matter what we say then, this has been well worth the wait.

Part Eleven

Sir Glen arranged the memorial service and the burial. And the guest list was grand. Carol had no idea that there were so many people here in her mother's life. But to every genuine apology for Carol's loss was a blur to her. She doubted she could have remembered anyone other than Sir Glen and Juliana who held her up through every moment.