Thoughts on the 12 Steps of DominationbyQuietlyMakingNoise©
Note: this is my first essay submitted to the site, and I am curious to see the thoughts it generates, so please take a moment and tell me what you think.
My Daily Reminder that a commitment to the D/s lifestyle must be taken seriously. In my research I came across some writings that helped me understand many things about the life I lead. That's where I first noticed what the 12 steps to Dominance and the 12 steps to submission. I adapted and adopted it to fit my own thinking and in this essay I elaborate upon each point. It helps me understand better my own thoughts, and I hope it helps you grow as well.
- I discovered that I am Empowered as a Dominant.
I wrote a great deal about this with my chosen submissive, my wife, lover and truest most trusted friend in the world. We both discovered that I was naturally dominant and that it was in that dominance that she relished.
The funniest thing is that I had been brought up a dominant man, as are ninety percent of Latin males. We are brought up in households where the women have their rightful and honorable place. Households where a woman understands that the man is the law, and where the man understands that the woman's role is to be in charge of the healthy upbringing of the family. But, she never forgets that the man, her master, is in true control.
Growing up, I came to America and tried to blend with the "pc" culture that was developing in the 60's, 70's and picked up steam in the 80's and into the 90's. It was a way of "passing" and being accepted. I remember hitting bottom when an old boss of mine called me out, for being too confident, too assertive, and using my stature – at 6 foot 4 inches to assert myself. And, here's where I hit bottom, I thought he was right – he was wrong!!!
My business and personal life success picked up steam when I realized and embraced my dominant nature. It empowers me to boldly go where others hesitate and loose the fleeting opportunities life presents us. Remember, luck has two parts – preparation and opportunity. If you're not prepared, you loose out on the opportunity.
- I came to realize that I increase My Dominant Energy through Control.
I find more energy to devote to my marriage and to my lover and wife because I don't have to spend it hiding my dominant nature. She finds more energy because she's more aware of her role. It is more consistent for both of us and thus we grow more quickly.
- I make the decision to bend submissive to My Will, (as well as over My Knees).
This takes the courage of your own convictions. You must trust that you are right and that you know best how to listen and understand your submissive's needs and then you move forward to bring out her best.
- I make a searching and fearless effort to Properly Dominate My submissive.
The life of this Dominant is not one that is simply online, or part time in the bedroom adding some kink to our sex life. Although I must add for full disclosure that there is plenty of bondage, spankings, nipple torture, humiliation and the like in our sex life. It is far more than that for us. She is trying to grow into the woman she will become over the years.
It is my responsibility to understand her needs deeply and to guide her, drive her, and provide the rigid discipline that she needs to achieve those goals that without the structure I provide she would never achieve.
- I seek to apprentice with Dominant Mentors to Master My Techniques of Control.
No one, not even true Master Dominants like the legendary Anderson in the Markeplace series knows all there is to know about being a Dominant. It takes a commitment to continuous and ongoing growth and learning.
Learning through experience is the best, but learning solely through experience you will leave scarred bodies along the way that won't ever understand why they failed in meeting your expectations. A submissive puts her (or his) entire self at your mercy, you must be committed to learn from others, to evaluate their lessons, and most important of all; to make your own decisions.
I am constantly seeking a Dominant Mentor that will assist me in getting to the next level. I owe it to myself most of all, and I owe it to my submissive.
- I am entirely ready to overcome any resistance from My submissive.
A submissive, by nature, is strong! The submissive has to have enough strength of will to overcome the desire to drive their own destiny. But, keep in mind that the submissive craves to be controlled and to please their master by submitting to their Will. Not as a gesture, because they are weaker, or because they choose to allow it. Not that at all. They yield their own desire to the stronger mind, the stronger Will, only when they have learned to respect that Dominant.
The easiest way to tell if a submissive is worth your effort, is if they are willing to test you; test the Will that they are submitting to, and they do that by disobedience. The quickest one to be overlooked – and it is a mistake to allow it – is for the submissive to top from the bottom during sex.
In my particular case, she'll tell me what she wants, or more often what she does not want in bed. She occasionally will burst out comments like, "...nooo, don't do that... I don't like it when you talk to me, it distracts me..." or other comments like, "...talk to me, tell me how you..." well you get the idea. These in themselves seem harmless, but in reality are subtle tests to see how much of her Will she can exert into our bedtime scenes. You allow these, and more will come.
A submissive friend of mine told me that she tested her last lover after a while. He let her get away with it, and so she lost interest, and that led her to even question her submissiveness. Trust me when I tell you, that there isn't a more submissive and strong willed person out there. The Dominant that takes her on, better be on his best game. But, the rewards of bending such a strong will and maintaining that strong will under His control is worth all the effort.
I speak from experience, since my wife is a very strong willed woman, that requires every ounce of energy to bend her will to Mine, and to ensure her continued growth as a submissive and as a woman.
- I expect Absolute Obedience and reward My submissive's compliance.
As I covered in section 6, the one thing you must never forget is that "within the boundaries of sanity and safety and healthy interaction with the world" you must expect and I go as far as say, demand, complete and absolute obedience.
Let me throw a bit of a cautionary note here. Don't ask her to climb Mount Everest on her first day, she may try her hardest, but she'll fail. Teach her first how to properly walk with a heavy pack on her back, and make the necessary corrections as you go. She has a chance to succeed and you have a chance to teach. Obedience is an absolute – your proper use of it, is also an Absolute.
- I maintain a Record of Transgressions, so that Proper Discipline can be delivered to my Submissive.
Let's face it; the best of us cannot exact the proper discipline at the moment the transgression takes place. Let the submissive know that you are keeping a record and that at the proper time; you will exact the proper discipline after you remind the submissive of the exact transgression. And, since you have a human's memory, you'll have to write them down to make sure they are not missed.
Keep in mind my point in section 6. If you allow a transgression to go unpunished then you will encourage that testing behavior that a strong willed submissive will always have. Once you do that you are in for a fun ride, or you are in for a crash landing – hope both you and her survive.
- I administer Proper Punishment to My submissive for any infractions.
In the bible, it is said, you'll find a passage that says, "...an eye for an eye..." and that's a good rule of thumb here. Don't leave huge welts on her ass (while that does sound fun at times) for a transgression that just requires a couple of lashes, or even a good tongue lashing. Verbal punishment is too often overlooked when it can be so effective, and adds so much more meaning to the use of corporal punishment. But, be judicious. Don't ever overdue the punishment or your submissive will be confused.
The best suggestion I've received was, lay out a chart in your mind. Something to the effect of:
Transgression / Punishment
Lack of proper vocabulary / Verbal Comment first few times, One properly places spank thereafter
Tasks not accomplishes / Verbal comment and force to sit on floor
Attempt to top from bottom / Three to five open hand spanks on each cheek
Outright disobedience / Paddling, flogging, or canning to taste
As you realize, you'll have to put your own list together, but that way the submissive will see a consistent behavior in Your part and thus build up the necessary trust that will allow the submissive to concentrate on the things that are most important; their growth in their role.
- I continue My efforts to Properly Control my submissive.
Like the old 60's Superman show used to quip at the start; a never ending battle, for truth, justice and (here I add my own version) the D/s way. You never, ever, ever – did you get my point – have the luxury of forgetting that you have to properly control your sub. If you do, read section 6 – again!
- I consistently seek new and creative Methods to Maintain Discipline, discovering them through research and experience.
I don't know how to emphasize this point enough. You cannot become stale in how you discipline and train your submissive. They have attention spans, and if it becomes stale you'll loose their interest and then it'll go downhill from there.
There is a great chapter about this in the Marketplace Series – The Slave – where Robyn has finally found her dream mistress and thoroughly enjoys her life with her. Yet, one day she realizes that her mistress has become nothing more than her lover. Once that happened she stopped teaching, she stopped disciplining her in new ways and in the end she lost her.
- Having Mastered My Techniques, (as well as My submissive), I resolve to be a constantly Dominant Presence in the lives of My submissive.
You'd think that this would be self evident, but I find it to be exactly the opposite. I find this in myself and have to fight it. I'd like to think that I'm unique and that my genes and mental make up have no equal in this world, but alas, I am not. Thus I believe that there are others who fall into the idea that this is a journey with a beginning and an end. Ah, but it does not. Once you reached one level, you have to push yourself to attain the next level.
Here's a silly example, but I think it makes the point. Think of yourself as living in a universe with only one dimension (we live in one with four), and then realizing that there is a second dimension. So now instead of being stuck in one place – forever, you find that you have room in the X direction, and then on the Y dimension. Wow, what a rush!!! You can move now. But everything is flat. You work and work and learn and learn and finally you realize that there is a third dimension to master. Not only left, right, front and back, but now you can go up and down too (the z dimension). Incredible, isn't it. You are totally free, in ways you could not imagine back in the days of only one dimension. If you stop there, as having arrived at your destination, you'll miss the next experience: The passage of time. Now not only can you move left, right, forward, backward, up or down, but you can apply a past, present and future to those movements.
Think of your devotion to learning the proper role of a Dominant and Master the same way. At first, you just have that one dimension – the first one to pique your interest. Now look back at it and realize how limiting that was, and how much further you've traveled down the path of learning and growth.
If you let it get stale, then what's in front of you – is not a pretty thing, and it is a waste of your God given talent of Dominance.
I'd like to challenge you as a Dominant to take the 12 sections, make them your own, rewrite them as I have and develop your own explanations, and if you care to post them; do so. But, if not, at least live them.
Also, I challenge the submissive reading this to do the same with the submissive sections. I challenge you to develop them and to add them to your life and to share it with those that will come after you, learn from you, and grow in anticipation of the day when they too will accept that cherished training collar and move forward under the tutelage of your own Dominant and Master or even better – in some ways – a Mentor, like my wife is fortunate enough to have in addition to me as her Dominant. Remember, I too have a Mentor to bounce my ideas off of, and to incorporate their experience into my life.
12 STEPS OF submission
- we discovered that we are submissive and enjoy being Dominated.
- we came to realize that only a Dominant Power can Control us.
- we make a decision to submit to a Dominant and accept Their Rule as Law.
- we make a searching and fearless inventory of our submissive aspirations, and obstacles.
- we confess our submissive fantasies, goals, and deviations to our Dominant.
- we are entirely ready to submit to our Dominant for Instruction and Discipline.
- we make a list of our Dominant's Requirements, and endeavor to fulfill them.
- we humbly ask that our Dominant remove any barriers to our surrender to Their Will.
- we accept Proper Punishment as deemed necessary by our Dominant.
- we continue our efforts to learn to Properly Please our Dominant.
- We discover, through patience and perseverance, the joys of yielding to our Dominant's Control.
- Having been Properly Disciplined by our Dominant, as well as Rewarded when our behavior merited, we resolve to do no less than our best to Please our Dominant.