To Be Or Not To Be?

"We can't. It's wrong," he pulled away from Benjamin and leaned up against the tree again. He turned over on his left side and faced away from Benjamin.

"It's not wrong. I love you," Benjamin said, trying to get Demetrius to turn back around.

"You can't love me," Demetrius shook his head.

"But I do," Benjamin said. "At least look at me, please?" Benjamin asked. Demetrius hesitated, but finally turned back to face Benjamin. Benjamin smiled and put a hand on Demetrius' bruised one. Something shone in his eyes, and Demetrius realized it was something he had hardly ever seen before. It was love. He craved the look in Benjamin's warm brown eyes, but he couldn't accept it. He didn't want to go to hell. He wanted to go to heaven, and to be loved. He wanted to be happy. A few more tears fell, but as much as he wanted to, he couldn't cry anymore. "Don't cry, Demi." Benjamin wiped the tears away, careful of the bruised flesh on his nose and cheek. Demetrius felt his heart speed up. He liked the way Benjamin said his name. He liked it even more when he used the nickname. No one had ever called him anything but Demetrius before. It felt special somehow.

He knew his father could, and probably was, watching them at that moment. But he couldn't help it. He felt like he would die without Benjamin. Each day it felt like more and more of his life was slipping away from him, and Benjamin was the only thing keeping him standing. His body tingled when Benjamin rubbed his upper arm gently. He wanted to kiss him again, but his mind screamed at him frantically. Torn, he didn't know what else to do. He gave in to his body and fell forward onto Benjamin's chest.

"Benji..." he whimpered and hugged the other boy. Benjamin hugged him back, glad that he too had found someone. They sat there quietly under the sun, holding each other in silence. A few birds chirped in the clear skies above them, but none of them stayed in the area long. Moving on before either of the two boys below could even really notice them. Benjamin ran his hands up and down Demetrius' spine. The boy in his arms was thin, even a bit malnourished, but he didn't even seem to notice. Demetrius opened his eyes when he heard his father calling him. Benjamin squeezed him tight.

"Don't go, Demi," Benjamin whispered, as if Demetrius' father was so close he could hear them. When really he was a long ways away, on the farm.

"I have to. If he goes into my room he could see us. He can't see us. He'll get angry. That's why he did this to me," Demetrius confessed. "You should go home. I'll be okay," Demetrius smiled warmly, but Benjamin could see the lie in his uncovered eye. Benjamin didn't know what else to do though. He sighed and nodded. He stood, pulling Demetrius up with him. Demetrius turned to walk away when Benjamin pulled him back suddenly. He hugged him and kissed his lips for the second time that day. Demetrius felt himself get hard and hated himself for it. He wanted to kiss Benjamin again, but he couldn't. Instead, he turned and walked away. Benjamin watched him walk away for a moment, before turning and leaving too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Demetrius sat in his room. He was able to sneak in without his father noticing. The sun was just now setting and he couldn't help but notice he was still hard underneath the blue jeans he wore. He couldn't stop the thoughts that flooded through his mind about Benjamin. He wanted to taste his lips again, and be held in his arms. But he couldn't allow himself to think about what he wanted. He couldn't allow himself the pleasure. He tried to will the erection down but couldn't, and the more he thought about his need for Benjamin, the worse he felt. He panted softly as he let his hand fall to the waistline of his jeans. He toyed with the button, not wanting to touch himself, wanting to so bad. He bit his lip as he gave in, shoving his hand past the button and zipper and into his underwear. He whimpered as he stroked his medium sized erection. The seven inch cock hidden in his pants gave him such pleasure, and also such pain. He thought of Benjamin while he stroked himself, about the warm kiss and warmer hands. He thought about the smile that crossed his face when he called him Demi, and how he had rubbed his back soothingly. He shoved his pants and underwear down to his ankles and stroked himself harder. He couldn't stop now and let the thoughts engulf him.

He had once seen a porno magazine in a liquor store when his uncle had taken him to get cigarettes. He remembered looking at the beautiful women getting fucked in the pictures, and wishing that he was under those gorgeous men. He wondered what it would feel like to have Benjamin above him, his cock shoved inside Demi's tight virgin ass. He stroked himself even harder as he thought about what it would feel like to take someone into his ass. His curiosity built as his pleasure did. Before he realized it, he reached a finger back and tried to fill his ass with it. When he was unable to, he brought it forward and hesitated before sucking on the digit and sending it back to his ass again. This time it slid in relatively easily and he moaned as he finger fucked himself and stroked his cock. His release spilled forth and he covered himself and his bed with cum. He sighed and smiled with relief, but wasn't prepared for the horrible guilt that ate away at him once his pleasure subsided. He felt bile rising in his throat again as he looked down at himself covered in his own cum. He turned bright red and ran to the bathroom, stepping into the shower. He scrubbed himself roughly, until his skin was raw from the steaming hot water and violent scrubbing. He tried to hold himself together but couldn't stop himself when he began shaking and sobbing. He slid down the shower wall and sat on the ground, the water pouring over him. He sobbed until the water went cold and he shivered in the spray. His father was right, he was going to Hell.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned," Demetrius said so quietly, that the priest on the other side of the confessional could hardly hear him.

"How long has it been since your last confession, my child?" the priest asked, his voice deep and gentle.

"Uh... I don't know. A few months?" Demetrius said, his hands shaking. When he had told his parents he was going to church, they looked so relieved. He was tired of the guilt eating away at his stomach. He needed to do something. He just didn't tell them that it wasn't their church he was going to, but a different one.

"Now, tell me of your sins my child," the priest soothed him. Demetrius' hands shook more and he sighed heavily, even the air shook as it left his lungs in a rush.

"I... I'm having sexual thoughts, Father," Demetrius admitted.

"How old are you, son?" the hidden priest asked. Demetrius felt his heart warm when he had called him son. This complete stranger, and he felt more warmth from him than from his own father.

"Eighteen, Father." Demetrius rubbed his sweaty hands on his pants.

"That's perfectly normal, my son. There's nothing to be ashamed of," the priest said, his voice smiling through the screen between them.

"That's not it, Father... I'm having sexual thoughts... but not about... not about girls," Demetrius confessed, desperate for help.

"Oh?" The priest sounded a bit shocked, like this was something he hadn't heard much in their small town.

"There's another boy. A man, really. He's eighteen like me... the other night... I couldn't stop thinking about him... he kissed me..." Demetrius put his fingers to his lips, as if he could still feel the kiss there.

"You're attracted to him?" the priest asked.

"Yes, sir," Demetrius said, his voice crackling.

"Besides the kiss from him, have you acted on your feelings?" the priest asked. Demetrius swallowed. How much should he tell him?

"I... I touched myself... while thinking about him." He couldn't help but let the tears fall as the horrible guilt came back, eating at his insides like a parasite.

"I see..." the priest said quietly.

"Am I going to Hell, Father?" Demetrius asked, through his sobs. He tried to wipe away the tears frantically but couldn't clear them as fast as they could fall.

"Of course not, my child. You have come to me for forgiveness and have told me your sins honestly, haven't you?" the priest asked.

"Yes, Father," Demetrius nodded.

"You're absolved of your sins, my son. But you must resist your feelings for this boy, and for any other. Keep your soul clean and you will be welcomed into heaven with the rest of the kind people in this town," the priest said. Demetrius wiped his tears away, only feeling a little bit better.

"Thank you, Father," he said. He stood, and left the confessional. He walked down the street quickly, his eyes down. He felt the smallest bit better, leaving with the priests words. He would do as he was told and stay away from Benjamin, even if that meant fighting his own feelings.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

His family ate dinner silently, not even his brothers fighting. The only sound in the room was of forks and knives hitting the plates as they dug into their meal. Demetrius wasn't hungry, and asked to be excused only a few minutes into the meal. He climbed the stairs to his room and shut the door behind him. He fell onto his bed and stared up at the ceiling. He swallowed the lump in his throat and sighed. Before he could even undress, he was asleep.

His dreams were a terrifying mixture of pleasure and pain. Benjamin kissed him and held him in the most glorious ways, but then his face would change into that of his fathers, and he would abuse him to no end. He wanted him to go back to the way he was, and to love him again. But all he saw was the hate in those cold eyes. He just wanted love.

He woke with a start as a rooster crowed. He rubbed his eyes and looked down at his wrinkled clothing. He reached for his eyepatch, which had fallen off in the night, and pulled it back on. He dressed quickly and headed out the door. He walked through the fields and headed directly for the oak tree, praying that Benjamin was there. He was.

"Demi," Benjamin smiled as Demetrius walked up.

"Stay away from me," Demetrius said. Benjamin frowned.

"Demetrius... what are you-?"

"You're a sinner and I won't let you corrupt me." Demetrius held his head up, though his voice was shaking. He stayed a decent way away from Benjamin. Benjamin lost the smile that had spread across his face when Demetrius first walked up.

"Maybe you've forgotten, Demetrius. But you felt this way long before you met me. I didn't do anything to you," Benjamin glared.

"Shut up," Demetrius whispered, knowing he was right.

"You're queer, Demetrius. You like me. Get over it. Why can't you just let yourself be happy?" Benjamin asked.

"I said shut up!" Demetrius put his hands over his ears, but he couldn't block Benji's words out completely. His teeth chattered as he tried to clenched them tight, terrified of Benjamin's honest words.

"It's not wrong, Demetrius," Benjamin shoved him up against the old tree. Demetrius whimpered. Whether it was with fear, or with need, he didn't know. Benjamin reached his hand down and cupped Demetrius' hard cock through his jeans. Demetrius cried out, ready to cum just from the single touch. Benjamin kissed him, and forced his tongue into his mouth. "Does this feel wrong, Demi?" he asked, when he pulled away. Demetrius panted and pushed his cock into Benji's hands. His mouth was open and he couldn't help the sounds of lust and need that poured for his lips. He shook his head 'no', wanting release so bad.

"No what?" Benjamin asked.

"N-no," Demetrius said simply.

"No what, Demi?" Benjamin asked. Demetrius opened his eyes and his body stopped shaking for a second as he held Benjamin's gaze.

"You're going to Hell," Demetrius said quietly, and Benjamin saw the belief in his eyes. He didn't doubt his words. Next to the belief, he saw the hatred. Hatred for his father, and for Benjamin, and for the church and for God. But next to all of that. He saw the pure, raw, self loathing. Demetrius was in trouble, and Benjamin knew it.

Demetrius shoved Benjamin's hands away and turned around, walking back to his house. Benjamin watched him leave and swallowed, looking down for a second before looking back up. He hoped Demetrius would turn around and come back, but he didn't. He didn't even look back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Demetrius sat in his room in tears. It felt like his body was being ripped apart. Waves of sickness washed over his body as he longed for the soothing touch of Benjamin. But his mind made it clear he was wrong. He wiped away the tears quickly when he heard the knock on his door.

"Yes?" he called out, hoping his voice wouldn't crack. His mother opened the door and stepped inside.

"Come downstairs, Demetrius. There's something important we need to talk to you about. Also, there's someone here to see you," she said, turning to leave. Demetrius frowned and followed her. He reached the living room as his mother took a seat next to his father. In the armchair to their right, was a man he had never seen before.

"Demetrius, this is Father Martin," his father said. Demetrius wrinkled his brow, he didn't know this man.

"Hello, Demetrius," the Father said, and then it struck him. The soothing voice from the confessional invaded his ears and he knew who the man was. But why was he here? His stomach did flip flops as he spoke.

"Hello... what's going on?" Demetrius asked.

"We..." his mother looked around. "We're concerned about you, Demetrius. Father Martin says you came into his church the other day and spoke to him about... about sexual feelings... towards..." her voice cracked and she covered her mouth.

"Towards other men, you sick pervert," his father spat. Demetrius went pale. He looked at the Father and felt tears welling up in his eyes. Confessional was supposed to be private. He never thought the priest would break that rule.

"I don't mean to bring this to everyone's attention, Demetrius. I was just worried about you," the Father said.

"Y-you weren't supposed to tell..." Demetrius whispered. He felt betrayed. He wanted Benjamin. His want only made him hurt more.

"I know, but I think I have a friend who could help you," the Father said.

"I-i-it was supposed to be a secret..." he couldn't help the whimper that lined his voice. Now it was out in the open. He could see the disgust in his parents eyes. He wanted to curl into a ball and die right there. He thought that Father had said he was forgiven. This was because Benji had touched him earlier. He knew it. He shouldn't have let him, but he did, and now this was happening. Now he was going to go to Hell.

"My friend runs a facility, up north a ways. He takes in troubled teens like yourself and turns them back onto the path of god. He can help you, Demetrius. He can make you see the light. He'll fix you," the Father said.

"F-fix me?" Demetrius whispered, though it seemed it went unheard or ignored by the others in the room.

"We're sending you to this... this facility, Demetrius. It will cure you. You'll feel so much better!" his mother said, smiling through the tears.

"Cure me?" Demetrius asked, a little louder. "I'm not sick..." he shook his head.

"Yes you are, son. Let us help you. You just need a little help and then you can find yourself a nice, pretty lady to settle down with," his father assured.

"I-I'm only eighteen I don't want... I'm not... I don't want to!" he said. His father turned the begging eyes into angry ones.

"You're going. No child of mine will burn in Hell. I don't want to hear another word about it! You WILL praise the Lord when you're in my home!" his father shouted, and slapped him roughly. Demetrius whimpered and put a hand to his cheek. Though his home had never really felt like home, it felt like a prison now. A hole dug by a rodent would be warmer than this horrible place. "You leave tomorrow morning. Go pack your things and be ready. The cab will come to take you to the airport at seven." his father said, and stormed upstairs. Demetrius stood in the middle of the room, tears falling down his face. He was sick of crying. It felt like all he ever did was cry. The Father and his mother sat there awkwardly. Demetrius slowly turned around and walked upstairs. He shut the door behind him quietly before he slid down the white painted wood. He cried and put his head to his knees. He didn't want to leave.

As much as he hated himself for it. He wanted Benjamin.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He sealed the envelope quickly and grabbed his bags. The cab would be here any minute and he moved his stuff downstairs. Demetrius had written Benjamin a note, and wanted to bring it to their tree before he left. He ran outside and headed for the field when the cab pulled up and his parents stepped outside.

"Demetrius, where are you going?" his mother asked. He stopped and looked at her before looking back at their tree. He sighed and shook his head.

"No where, ma'am," he said quietly. He walked back to the cab and was about to get in when a voice called to him.

"Demetrius!" Benjamin shouted. Demetrius raised his head and couldn't help the smile that formed on his lips.

"Benji..." he whispered, trying to keep the tears of joy from falling. Benjamin ran up to the clearing that served as their driveway. How he knew that Demetrius was leaving, he would never know. He just did.

"Don't leave, Demi," Benjamin said. "You don't have to do what they say. You can be free..." Benjamin begged. "You can be with me. We can go somewhere else, somewhere far far away from here." Benjamin waved a hand at the surrounding farms. "We can be happy together. We can go to New York or California. Somewhere where people won't care that we're together. You can finally be happy, isn't that what you want?" Benjamin pleaded. Demetrius swallowed.

"It is what I want..." he admitted.

"Who in the Lords name are you?" Demetrius' father stepped forward. It was only now that Demetrius realized that Benji was the same size as his father. He only seemed smaller to him because he didn't have the air of menace surrounding him.

"I'm the guy who loves him. He's eighteen, you can't control him anymore. He's free to do what he wants." Benjamin stood toe to toe with Demetrius' dad.

"Benji... don't..." Demetrius worried for Benjamin.

"You don't have to stay here anymore, Demetrius. You can be free," Benjamin repeated. The word free sounded so right to Demetrius. His entire life he felt like he was in a cage. Like he couldn't even breathe without someone watching him. But if he went with Benji, there would be no turning back. He would be a sinner, and he would go to Hell. He didn't want to go to Hell.

"I can't..." Demetrius whispered.

"Yes, you can," Benjamin urged. Demetrius shook his head.

"I... I'm sick. I need help," Demetrius said.

"No you aren't!" Benjamin shouted.

"Get out of here!" his father said. "You're only making my son worse." His father shoved Benjamin, who swung at him and connected with his jaw. His father stumbled back.

"Benji... just go... please?" Demetrius begged. Benjamin stared at him for a long time.

"Fine. I hope you find what makes you happy," Benjamin relented, turning around and walking back into the wheat field towards the fence that separated their property.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Demetrius took a deep breath as he arrived at the facility. The 'facility' was really a string of several large buildings. Several young men who looked anywhere from twelve to twenty were wandering around the facility, in and out of buildings. They walked past a few buildings and Demetrius wrinkled his nose as one of them produced a sickly familiar smell. He couldn't quite place it but shoved it out of his mind. He reached the building used for housing. He checked in and his stuff was quickly taken from him and he was given four pairs of identical clothes. He looked around and saw everyone else wore the same 'uniform'.