To Love Again Ch. 02

Tom's Visit has completely thrown me, I'm more mixed up than ever and I don't know what to do. I run to the door, lock it and turn the sign to closed, well that was a great first day, I've only been open half an hour and already I've closed the shop and now I'm cowering behind the counter going over and over what Tom said. I want to call Mike but I already know what he will say, he hates Tom for the way he's hurt me and thinks Paul's the best thing since chocolate flavored condoms.

The phone rings but I don't answer it, I can't face talking to anybody right now and I need to think so I leave the shop and go for a walk and as if I didn't feel bad enough already I now feel like a failure, I couldn't even manage one whole day in my own shop. I find a bench and sit down, I have to work things through, Paul's cooking me dinner tonight and I don't want him to see me like this, none of this is his fault, it's mine for jumping into another relationship so soon and now I have to work out how I feel about him and what to do about Tom, I just don't know where to start.

Ok so the thinking didn't go great, I just kept swirling everything around in my head to the point where I actually felt dizzy, how can I work out how I feel about Paul when I don't even know how he feels about me and I just can't process the whole Tom thing right now so here is my plan, denial! Forget what happened today and carry on as normal (Well as normal as an emotional washed up wreck can be.) I'm now on my way home to Paul.

As I go to put my key in the lock I can already smell something delicious coming from the kitchen and soft music playing in the background. Did I mention we had given each other a key to our apartments, no? Well it just seemed to make sense it doesn't really mean anything. I walk inside and Paul's standing there holding out a beautiful bouquet of flowers and giving me that famous sexy smile of his and then everything becomes so clear to me, I am home.

"Hello gorgeous how was your first day?"

He kisses me softly on the mouth while my mind quickly thinks how to answer him, tell him the truth and face a big serious discussion or lie through my teeth and hope it will all just go away?

"It went really well thanks, it was great to be back and I was so busy."

"Oh well that explains it then."

"Err, explains what?"

"Well I tried calling you at the shop, but you didn't answer, you must have been busy with a costumer."

Oh god I feel terrible!

"Yeah I was rushed off my feet."

"Well come and sit down, there's wine at the table and dinner's almost ready, you just relax."

Dinner was great, Paul really is an amazing cook and a wonderful person, he wants to take care of me and be with me and even though I'm still not sure how I feel about him I know I am not ready for this to end and I am happy with the way things are going, slow, steady and relaxed.

"That was lovely thank you and the flowers are beautiful, you didn't have to go to so much effort."

"Yes I did Steph because you're stunning and wonderful and I'm so proud of you."

He kisses me slowly on the mouth and lightly cups my face with his hands, he's so gentle and loving I can't help but to melt into him as I part my lips a little to let his tongue slip inside and caress mine. His hand runs through my hair and down my back to find my zip, he pulls it down and my dress slips from my shoulders revealing my breasts. My nipples are already hard as he plants kisses all around them before gently sucking them into his mouth one at a time, lightly nibbling and flicking his tongue over them.

I begin to undo his shirt one button at a time and his strong, well defined chest comes into view as I run my hands along his muscular frame. His hands go firmly around my waist and pull me onto his lap, I can feel his erection pressing against my thigh as he picks me up and I wrap my arms around his neck as he carries me off to the bedroom.

He lays me down on the bed and lowers himself on top of me kissing my neck and throat while he tenderly plays with my nipples. I stroke my hands down his back then bring them round to fondle his cock through his jeans. He moans into my skin as I slip my hand inside to rub his hardness and he presses himself tightly against my hand. I remove his jeans setting his erection free and my hand sashays up and down his cock using his pre-cum as lubrication.

My fingers move smoothly along his shaft, slowly sliding back and forth and up over the head making him whimper into my mouth as he kisses me softly and licks my lips. His hands roam down my body to my lace covered pussy and rubs me through the flimsy material making me quiver at the smoldering friction. I feel his fingers hook the inside of my thong and tenderly pull them down my legs and drop them onto the floor.

He kisses his way up my left leg and then down my right, his lips barely touching my skin and I shiver in expectation. His lips eventually reach my pussy which is now soaked in excitement as he begins to run his tongue lightly around my outer lips, sucking them into his mouth before letting his tongue penetrate me. I'm close to cumming as he explores my pussy with his tongue and then my orgasm hits me hard as he uses his thumb to massage my clit causing me to cum in his mouth.

He positions his throbbing cock at my entrance and slowly pushes himself inside me and we moan together as he starts drawing in and out, taking his time, enjoying the moment as I writhe around beneath him, closing my eyes, the pleasure almost overwhelming. His hands are stroking my hair and face as his cock keeps up the slow and sensual pace and when I open my eyes he is staring straight at me looking into my eyes as he pleasures me.

Which is when I realize what he is doing, this is not are usual crazed and frenzied sex, he is not fucking me, he's making love to me for the first time, with everything going on in my head I hadn't even noticed until I saw that look in his eyes, this is undoubtedly lovemaking and I close my eyes while this thought swims about in my head, does he love me?

He doesn't seem to notice my sudden realization and continues to make love to me and even through my confusion I do not want him to stop, I am too far gone and need my release. His pace quickens slightly as his orgasm approaches and I can feel mine beginning to simmer and spread through my body. He holds me tight and kisses me firmly as we cum together.

Slowly he withdraws his cock from inside me and rolls onto his side still gazing at me with that look and as he strokes my face lovingly and the moment I had been dreading finally arrives.

"I love you Stephanie."

"I know."

Is all I can manage to say before I roll over away from him with tears in my eyes and turn off the lamp letting him know that this conversation is over.

When I wake in the morning Paul has already gone and I feel sick at how I reacted to his words, he had told me he loved me and I really wanted to say it back but something was standing in my way and I think that something was Tom. I had already decided that it was Paul I wanted to be with and yes I think I am falling in love with him but there is still apart of me that belongs to Tom and I need to get that back, I need to see Tom one last time and make sure that it is truly over between us before I can commit myself to Paul.

With that decision made I take a deep breath and reach for my mobile, I punch in Tom's number and wait for him to answer.

"Hello."

"Tom, it's me."

"Stephanie?"

"Yeah, sorry did I wake you?"

"Yeah but I'm so glad you called, I was hoping you would I've missed you so much."

"Look we need to talk, can I come round today?"

"Of course you can, you know I want to be with you again."

"Tom I just want to talk ok, nothing else."

"Yeah that's fine, what time?"

"I'll be there in half an hour."

"Ok great I'll see you soon."

"Bye."

Oh god please tell me I'm doing the right thing by going round there, I just can't think of any other way of sorting this out, Tom still has my heart and I want to get it back. This isn't going to go smoothly I know that but I have to do this. I shower and change as quickly as I can and go to my bag for Tom's address, it's not far. I don't bother with my hair I just leave it wet and put on very little make-up before I leave my flat and make my way to Tom's.

As I approach his door I remember why I'm here, because I want a life with Paul and I want to put all the hurt and pain from Tom behind me, this gives me the strength I need to knock on his door.

"Steph hi come in, sorry I haven't had much time to clear up."

"Yeah no kidding this place is a tip."

"I guess I just can't cope without you."

"Bollocks, you're just a lazy bastard."

"I miss you Steph, I love you I've always loved you."

"Ok you can stop all that hearts and flowers crap because that doesn't work on me anymore; I'm here to tell you that I don't want you back I'm with Paul now and he's the one I want so don't come to my shop anymore, don't call me, basically just leave me the hell alone."

"That's what you came here to say?"

"Yes."

"Well if that was all then why not just call me, why come round to my flat hey? We both know this relationship isn't over and I know you still love me and that's why you're here Steph."

"No that's not it, I just wanted to say this in person that's all and this relationship is over, it was over the second you jumped into bed with someone else."

"I made a mistake Steph, that's all and I'm sorry but it's over now."

"That's all? I'm sorry? Is that the best you can do? You end our relationship for that stupid bimbo you picked up from Sluts R Us and I'm supposed to forgive and forget because you're sorry?"

"Why are you still so angry, if you don't have feelings for me anymore then you wouldn't care about that anymore, you're still angry because it still hurts you and the reason it still hurts you is because you still love me."

"No I don't Tom."

"I don't believe you Steph."

"I don't care what you believe it's the truth, I'm in love with Tom."

"What did you just say?"

"I said I'm in love with Paul now."

"No you didn't you said Tom, you said I'm in love with Tom, you said my name Steph."

"No, no I didn't, I said Paul, I meant Paul."

Oh crap this isn't going how I planned it, leave, leave now you've said your piece now get out go home to Paul and tell him you love him.

"Steph, your not sure about Paul are you? That's why you've come here to see if there is still anything between us and there is isn't there?"

"No, I'm leaving now Tom and please don't try and contact me again."

"No Steph I'm not letting you leave like this."

"Get your hands of me."

He pushes me against the wall and I struggle to get away but he is stronger than me and he holds me there, I manage to get a hand free and slap him hard across the face but my effort goes unrewarded and he restrains both my hands up high against my head, holding both my wrists in his hand. His mouth crashes against mine and I fight hard not to return the kiss but as his hand travels down my body and I think of all the times we had together I surrender to his kiss and open my mouth to let his tongue find mine.

The kiss is hard and powerful and his hand goes straight between my legs to my sopping wet pussy and rubs me aggressively.

"Oh fuck I've missed you Steph."

His words snap me out of whatever stupid trance I must have been in and all I can think of is Paul, oh shit what have I done?

"Tom stop it, let me go, stop."

"Steph what's wrong? I thought this was what you wanted."

"Well it isn't and I have just successfully achieved what I came here for, to make up my mind once and for all and to get my heart back and you have just helped me do that. You see my heart doesn't belong to you anymore Tom so I'm taking it back, there's someone else I want to give it to."

I leave his apartment feeling stronger than when I arrived and determined to make ago of it with Paul but there's just one problem, I did kiss Tom and I don't won't to have to lie to Paul but he won't understand oh god I'm getting a headache, whoever said love hurts really knows his shit.

I arrive back at my flat and pour myself a large glass of wine and do what I always do when I feel like I'm cracking up, I call Mike.

"Hello."

"Hey babe I need your help."

"Oh god what's happened."

I tell him about Tom coming to the shop yesterday and his response was just what I expected it to be.

"What? That arsehole, so he cheats on you, breaks your heart, leaves you devastated then comes back into your life wanting you back just as you've finally found happiness again with Paul?"

"Yep that's pretty much it."

"Well I hope you told him to fuck off."

"Yeah I did actually but there's something else."

"What?"

"Paul told me he loved me last night."

"Oh my god that's fantastic babe I knew he did I just knew it oh I'm so pleased for you."

"Yeah well don't get too carried away there's um more to it than that."

"You didn't say it back did you?"

"No, I couldn't do it Mike I wasn't sure how I felt so today I went to see Tom."

"Oh Steph you better be joking."

"No I'm not but it's ok because we kissed and it made me realize that I do love Paul."

"You kissed!"

"Yeah I know I'm an idiot but I stopped it, it didn't go any further and I don't plan on seeing him again, my only problem now is telling Paul."

"What? Steph you can't be serious you can't tell Paul about what happened the guy's in love with you it will break his heart and could ruin the best thing that's ever happened to you."

"What you don't think I don't know that? But I can't lie to him Mike."

"It's not lying Steph it's not telling him something, there's a difference and I'm telling you now if you tell him you will lose him."

"So basically what your saying is I should just keep my mouth shut about Tom and feel guilty for the rest of my life."

"Do you love him Steph?"

"Yes!"

"Then yes that's what I'm telling you to do, now go and see Paul tell him that you love him and be happy, you deserve to be happy."

"Do I?"

"Yes you do and you know you do now go and see Paul."

"Maybe you're right, ok I'm going."

"Good, let me know how good the sex was afterwards."

"Bye Mike."

I think he may be right so I go to the bathroom to freshen up and prepare to tell the man who loves me that I love him too.

I go to Paul's flat and knock on the door, there's no answer but I can hear music inside so he must be in, I knock again, still nothing so I try the doorknob and it opens. When I get inside I see Paul sitting on his sofa, a bottle of Jack Daniels stands on the coffee table and he's draining what's left in his glass.

"Paul, are you alright?"

"Nope."

"Are you drunk?"

"Yep."

"What's wrong?"

"Finchley Road Apartment 12."

Oh shit that's Tom's address.

"Paul, do you want to tell me what's going on?"

"Well now Steph that's an excellent question, would you like to tell me how long you've been fucking your ex boyfriend behind my back?"

"Paul just listen to me ok, I haven't been fucking anyone but you and I came here tonight to tell you that I love you."

"Tell Tom that as well did you, when you were fucking him."

"Paul please I didn't sleep with Tom."

"I saw you this morning Steph when you left the building, I was outside getting some air trying to figure out why the women who I told I loved couldn't say it back when I saw you leave, I called out to you but you didn't hear me so I followed you. I saw you go into his building Steph, I saw his name on the intercom Tom Monroe that is his name isn't it Steph?"

"It's not what you think Paul, I went there to say goodbye to him to tell him to leave me alone and to put old ghosts to rest, it's what I needed to do before I could tell you that I loved you."

"Do you really expect me to believe nothing happened between the two of you? I'm not an idiot Stephanie."

"Ok we kissed but that was all I swear, please believe me Paul, it made me see that it was you I wanted and not him."

"What and you didn't know that before you went round there?"

"I wasn't sure, but I am now I love you Paul."

"Well it's a shame you couldn't have figured that out before you went to bed with him; did you think about me Steph, hey? Did you even give me a second thought when you were fucking him, was he that good? Was he better than me was that it?

Oh god I'm crying now and I can't stop, I'm desperately searching for something to say that will make him believe me and forgive me but I have no words left to give him and he throws his glass against the wall shattering the silence and my heart.

"Tell me Steph, was he better than me?"

"No, I didn't sleep with him Paul, I didn't, I didn't."

"I don't believe you Steph."

"Please Paul."

"Get out Steph."

"Please listen to me."

"GET OUT!"

I run from his flat and out of the building into the pouring rain where I fall to my knees and sob my heart out. How could I have been such an idiot? I've messed up and have no one to blame but myself. I pick myself up of the wet grass and blindly walk off up the street in search of my sanity and the nearest bar I can find.

I end up in a seedy bar somewhere, soaking wet and proceed to dull my pain with vodka, maybe not the best solution but right now it's all I can think of. After my forth or fifth double vodka I start to cry again going over and over what has happened when the bar tender appears at my side.

"Is everything ok love?"

"I'm not your love." I slur back.

"Ok none of my business but it's getting late and I think you've had enough."

I'm about to come back with some witty drunken response when someone else butts in.

"It's ok mate I'll take care of her."

I see the bar tender walk away.

"Steph, are you ok?"

"Paul?"

"No it's me Steph, Tom."

"Oh you've got to be kidding me, what are you doing here?"

"Well I was going to have a drink but I think you may have drunk the bar dry."

"Oh ha ha, just piss off Tom, haven't you done enough damage?"

I get up to leave but lose my balance and Tom has to catch me and hold me up.

"Ok right come on lets go."

"I'm not going anywhere with you."

"Steph, you're soaking wet and drunk I'm not leaving you here on your own so come on my place isn't far."

Tom practically carries me back to his flat and sits me down on the couch before disappearing into the bathroom. He comes back with a towel and a bath robe.

"What are they for?"

"There for you, you're soaked through now change into that and dry your hair off."

"Oh yeah sure I'll just take my clothes of in front of you."

"Steph I've seen you naked a million times but don't worry I'll turn around, just get changed alright or you'll catch pneumonia or something."

"Fine but don't look"

"I won't, I think I better make you a coffee."

"Haven't you got anything stronger?"

"There's wine in the fridge but I think you've had enough."

"Don't patronize me; I know when I've had enough so just get the wine ok."

"Ok, you changed?"

"Yes."

He hands me a glass and sits down beside me to pour the wine.

"So you going to tell me what happened?"

"You Tom, you bloody happened you're not satisfied with wrecking our relationship that you have to wreck mine and Paul's too."

"What?"

"He knows I was here today, he followed me."

"Well if he's following you then…"

"Don't, don't you dare try and put him down you don't have the right."

"Ok, well what did he say then?"

"He thinks we slept together."

"Well we nearly did Steph."

"No we didn't we just kissed Tom."

"Yeah we did kiss."

"Don't Tom, please."

"Well we did, we kissed are you telling me that meant nothing, because I don't believe you."