Trading in For an Older Model

"God, that's awful" I just said, shaking my head in disgust at what she had told me. She began to lightly sob and a few people looked over as I shrunk down awkwardly, unsure of what to do. I finally reached out my hand and placed it on hers. This action brought her back to reality as she dried her eyes with the napkin and tried to laugh through her remaining tears.

"I'm sorry, I just haven't thought about it in awhile and I guess it just caught me off guard a bit." she explained.

"No it's fine. I'm sorry you had to go through all of that because of some asshole...". Realizing I had spoken out of place, I quickly apologized. "Sorry about that, it's not my place to say".

"No you're right, he was an asshole. And I was an idiot for not realizing it sooner." she said.

"He was the idiot for not realizing what he had." I quickly blurted out.

Okay, I thought to myself, you're more than a bit tipsy and getting a little out of control. I wasn't sure how she'd interpret that.

"That's a sweet thing to say, thank you, Mason. So how are things with Stacy?" she asked so I wouldn't feel awkward. That question caught me a bit off guard, particularly the timing of it.

"Not especially good, but I think you already had some idea." I replied.

"I'm sorry to hear that. I mean I do answer your phone, but I don't want you to think I have any thoughts or form any opinions about your marriage." she assured me.

"No, it's fine, really. Don't give it a second thought." I said.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked thoughtfully.

Maybe it was that I wanted to see where I could push the flirt with Dawn, maybe it was that I was so depressed at the state of my marriage that I didn't care who I told... I know it was the wine. I went ahead and told Dawn everything about our troubles conceiving, how cold Stacy had grown in the last few years, and how my already passionless marriage was getting even worse. Dawn suddenly got very reserved after I poured my guts on the table in front of her.

"Well I'm sure you two will work it out." was all she said rather abruptly when I had finished.

"Yeah, maybe..." My voice trailed off and I let it die right there after she got quiet. So much for pushing the flirt, I thought. Then again I did just tell her my marriage was falling apart, not exactly Spanish fly. I paid the check and we made our way outside.

As we stood on the sidewalk outside the restaurant, I couldn't stop staring at her. What the hell happened I thought to myself. This afternoon she was just my friendly but dowdy secretary, now in this moment I was obsessed with her.

Maybe that's what happens when you have years of reinforcement of being unappreciated at home. The second someone half decent looking treats you like a person you dive headfirst. Whatever it was, I wanted her more than anything I could remember and those feelings were only growing.

I guess I must have been grinning, because she smiled at me kind of strangely as if she was trying to read my mind. "Just kiss her!" my alcohol addled mind screamed at me. I started to move in and she suddenly blurted out "I had a great time, tonight. I should probably get going. Thanks again for dinner, I'll see you tomorrow!" and gave me a hug and quickly took off walking down the sidewalk.

I was overwhelmed by this sudden collage of emotions that were sweeping over me. I felt guilty for wanting anything that much, let alone a woman other than my admittedly estranged wife. Did I have a cougar fetish I had been unaware of my entire life, or was it this woman in particular? It was certainly Dawn, I was sure of that. Work is going to be interesting tomorrow I thought to myself as I hailed a taxi and made my way home.

When I arrived home it was a little after 10:30 and Stacy still wasn't back. I thought that was a bit unusual because as far as I knew, she was only going out for dinner with some classmates. Oh well, I figured, she probably just had a few too many drinks and was sleeping it off. I didn't think too much of it as I popped a couple aspirin and went to bed.

The next morning I woke up at my usual time and found Stacy in bed next to me. She must have gotten home late; I didn't remember her getting back. I showered, got dressed, and was getting my things together to leave for work when I checked my phone and saw I had an unread text message. It was from someone named "Rick" and read "We have GOT to do that again sometime soon, let me know".

I went through a few of the phones contacts and realized I was looking at Stacy's phone. Sharing a phone plan meant we had the exact same model phone, so occasionally we would accidentally grab each other's phone by mistake.

I read the message again. I'm not a jealous or paranoid guy by any stretch, but something about that didn't sound right. I had to put it out of my head when I quickly remembered I had taken a cab home last night and I had left my phone in my car.

"Shit" I exclaimed to no one in particular and used Stacy's phone to call a cab to collect me so I could grab my car and get to work hopefully without being too late.

Luckily there wasn't much traffic that day, and I was able to pick up my car and get to work with only being 15 minutes late. Luckily when you're the boss, there's no one there to chide you for tardiness.

I was getting anxious as I parked my car, wondering what Dawn's mood would be like today after I felt like I had embarrassed myself with that failed attempt at a kiss at the end of the night.

When I got to my office, I was surprised to see that Dawn wasn't there yet. I figured she might be battling a bad hangover and would be in shortly until I got a message she had left on my office line saying she felt sick and wouldn't be coming in today. Hmm, that's strange, I thought to myself.

I quickly became paranoid that she wasn't sick but rather she was too embarrassed to see me after what I had pulled the night before. I figured I needed to nip this in the bud right now, so I called her home. After a few rings, Dawn picked up.

"Hello Mr. Cowell." she said, not sounding particularly sick. The "Mr. Cowell" bit caught me off guard.

"Mr. Cowell?" I asked.

"I just thought I could stand to be more professional around you; I do work for you after all."

"You know to call me Mason. Anyway Mr. Cowell just sounds wrong." Before she could say anything, I followed up. "I got your message, I just wanted to check on you to make sure you were all right."

"That's very thoughtful of you" she said as I could detect a smile in her voice. "I'm all right, I just started feeling a bit nauseous today when I woke up and didn't want to get anyone sick."

"All right" I said... I really wanted to know about last night but at the same time I didn't want to ask. "This doesn't have anything to do with last night, does it?".

"I don't think so...".

"You can tell me."

"This isn't a trap, is it?" she asked.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean you just gave me this job full-time and the very next day I'm calling in sick the morning after we celebrated... I just didn't want you to think..." she said trailing off.

"Oh no, I guess I just meant... Did anything I say or do last night..."

"Oh no, you were lovely last night; I had a great time." she said, cutting me off. "I felt a bit embarrassed when I... well."

"What?" I pressed.

"I don't know. Please say no to this if you like and that will be the end of it..." she said, but stopped there.

"... Yes?" I waited.

"I was just wondering if you would like to come over to my place for dinner tonight?" she finally said.

"For dinner?"

"I figured you treated last night, this is the least I can do".

"Well..." I said as I thought it over. She was giving me an out right now. Would I take it? Go back to my mediocre life? What did I even want out of this. Right now I just wanted her... that's usually how it goes I guess.

"Maybe it's not a good idea" she said, losing her nerve, as well.

"Well I just meant you're feeling sick, you probably don't want company or to have to cook..." I said to deflect the question and get her to convince me again so I could get my nerve back; it was a calculating, albeit cowardly move.

"I think it's almost run its course. I could probably come in for a half day later if I'm feeling up to it." she offered.

"No that's all right. Dinner sounds good." I said finally, convincing the two of us at the same time. "What time shall I come round?" I asked.

"How about 7 o'clock again?" she said, trying to mask her excitement.

"I'm looking forward to it." I replied.

"Me too, see you then!" she said cheerily as she got off the phone.

I quickly left Stacy a message letting her know I was dining with some coworkers. I didn't tell her who. Part of me wondered if she'd even care if I came home tonight.

I was excited and nervous at the same time about what I might be getting myself into. I figured I could still stop this right now if I wanted to, but knew there would eventually be a line at some point tonight that I couldn't come back from, that was assuming I had any idea of where Dawn's head was at.

I spent the rest of the day too preoccupied to get any work done, but as I had nowhere to go I just stared at my computer screen for most of the day. I also couldn't help but think about that text message on Stacy's phone. While I was thinking the worst of what it meant, I was surprised that the more I thought about it, the less I cared.

When 6 o'clock finally rolled around, I slowly started to gather my things and make my way to my car and eventually to Dawn's, stopping off to pick up an expensive bottle of wine on the way.

I was a few minutes early when I arrived at the address which Dawn had texted me, so I sat in my car and took in the house and neighborhood. Dawn lived in a modest but attractive one story house in the suburbs not too far from the office. It looked like a nice enough neighborhood with a few kids playing in the street and people still out walking their dogs despite the sun already having gone down.

At 7 o'clock I got out of my car with the wine in hand and made my way to Dawn's door, giving the doorbell a ring. Dawn opened the door and greeted me warmly with excitement.

"Wow" was my only thought as I looked at her. Dawn brought it last night and tonight was no exception. She was wearing an elegant and flowing black cocktail dress which came down to her knees and again was cut low in the front to give an inviting view of her cleavage.

"Two for two, Dawn. You look fantastic again; being sick certainly seems to agree with you." I joked.

She smiled, knowing exactly what she was doing. "Why thank you, that's always nice to hear from a young man like yourself."

"Oh stop it." I chided her. "Why don't you dress like this to the office?" I asked in a deflecting way to seem like I was joking, but I really wanted to know.

"I don't want the younger girls getting jealous" she joked, laughing herself. I just smiled and shook my head as she invited me in.

I entered Dawn's nicely furnished home and was greeted immediately by the delicious aroma of what smelt like roast duck.

"You have a nice home." I complimented her.

"Thanks, yeah I sold the old place after Stan died. Too many bad memories, and it was too big for me anyway." she explained.

"It smells delicious in here, like a restaurant" I admitted.

"Thank you, just something I threw in the oven." she said being modest.

It was clear that she had been preparing dinner for most of the day in anticipation of our... what, date? I was a bit nervous and had no idea how tonight was going to play out but by now I think I was beginning to make up my mind that I was ready to go with whatever happened. It sounds awful but I had already checked out of my marriage mentally. For all I knew, Stacy had done the same thing months ago.

Dawn poured me a glass of wine and forced me to "sit down and relax" despite my repeated offers to help her in the kitchen. The meal was delicious and the conversation put me at ease. If anyone walked in right now, they would get the innocent impression that we were just two coworkers enjoying a friendly meal together.

Near the end of the meal I actually began to wonder if I had just been inventing all of this tension between the two of us in my mind, that Dawn was just being friendly and that I had been mistaking it for something more all along. I was sure there was something between the two of us the night before, but I had also been drinking a lot so the reality of the situation may have been completely different from my potentially distorted memory.

On the other hand, a woman doesn't dress like that for a coworker or even a friend; she was dressed to kill tonight. Even the setting was romantic as Dawn had lit a couple of candles on the dinner table and turned the lights down low.

"How was your day today? Did you manage to survive without me?" she asked jokingly as she startled me out of my train of thought.

"It was all right, mostly uneventful; I'm just glad you're feeling better. I feel responsible because I'm the one who took you to that restaurant."

"I'm sure I just drank too much. The meal was excellent." she said quickly to make me feel better.

"This meal was excellent tonight, thank you." I said.

"Of course." she said smiling. "Were you feeling okay this morning?" she asked.

"Yeah, but I forgot that I had taken a cab home the night before so I was running a bit late without my car. I actually had something weird happen as I was about to leave this morning." I said, making her ask for the details before I continued.

"What happened?" she asked.

"I grabbed Stacy's phone by mistake thinking it was mine because I forgot I had left mine in my car. I found a strange text message addressed to her from someone named Rick before I realized it was her phone." I told her, thinking this could benefit me somehow but also curious to get a woman's take on it.

"How was it strange?" she asked, her interest clearly piqued.

"Tell me how you'd interpret this, it said 'we have GOT to do that again soon, let me know' with the 'got' bit capitalized" I told her, feeling a bit silly at how naïve I probably seemed by asking that. Fortunately, Dawn didn't make me feel silly about it.

"Did you ask her about it?" she asked. "That could be any number of things, but I don't like that he capitalized 'GOT'. There's nuance there." she offered. "Do you suspect her of anything?" she asked innocently enough.

I would never think that Stacy would step out on our marriage considering how militantly she policed me, but the more I thought about it, the more obvious that message seemed to me.

"I don't know, I mean we haven't been getting on for awhile now and she suddenly told me a couple months ago that she wanted to go back to school, so she's been spending a lot of time with her classmates since she started that. I rarely see her that much anymore between her schedule and mine." I explained. "Honestly the more I read it back to myself, the more obvious it seems and the sillier I feel not realizing that all along." I revealed to Dawn candidly.

Dawn frowned. "You shouldn't jump to conclusions that she's been doing anything unsavory when you don't know all the facts. You have to ask her about it".

"You're probably right" I said and left it at that.

"Well you stay right there, I'm going to clear the table real quick and I'll be right back." she said as she stood up.

"No, let me get them." I said as I stood up, as well.

"You're my guest." she argued.

"... and you made the meal." I countered, smiling.

"We'll both do them then, and thank you." she finally said smiling.

Dawn and I worked side by side in the kitchen as she would rinse off the dishes in the sink before handing them to me to put in the dishwasher. Every now and then our fingers would brush up against one another and I'd feel a little shock of electricity shoot through me.

I was starting to feel a slight erection coming on just from that little contact. Christ, I wanted this woman, I thought to myself. I turned away from her a bit while I loaded the rest of the dishes in the machine so I could hide the half bulge which had been brought on by her.

After the dishes were taken care of, we retired to her couch with the bottle of wine I had bought. I made sure I sat down first so she would dictate how far away we would be once we were both sitting. She sat down next to me with only about a foot between the two of us as I poured us a couple of glasses of the wine.

For the first time possibly in our entire relationship, there was an awkward pause between us which we used to look each other over and we broke out and smiled at the same time before drinking some wine.

My mind was made up, I knew what I wanted, consequences be dammed.

I decided against just tackling her, however. I needed a bit more information before I put it all out there like that, so I worked with an idea I came up with on the ride over.

"Sorry about last night." I finally said.

She raised her eyebrows, unsure of what I was referring to or where I was going with this. "What do you mean? I had a wonderful time." she asked curiously.

"Well I just think I may have acted a bit unprofessionally at the end of the night, you know, when we were saying goodnight?"

Dawn gave a small but attentive smile and nod as she knew what I was referring to.

"I mean I had been drinking, not that that's an excuse, but..." I said as Dawn waited for me to finish my sentence. "I just didn't want you to think that I was taking advantage of you." I finally said.

Dawn kept nodding and then let out a quick laugh to herself as if she had just had a realization.

"What?" I asked.

"I didn't want you to think I was taking advantage of you!" she said, smiling with a hint of excitement.

"How do you mean?" I asked, laughing.

Dawn paused for a moment and bit her lip. "You were going to kiss me, weren't you?" she finally asked quietly, keeping her eyes on mine.

"... Yes." I said nodding my head and laughing to myself with a bit of embarrassment at admitting it.

"Well I could tell you were vulnerable from what you had told me about your marriage, and we had both been drinking, so I pulled away as kind of a reaction." she explained.

"Oh wow." I exclaimed, feeling really embarrassed now. "You must have thought I was such a creep." I told her with a look of concern.

Dawn got quiet and looked down at her wine glass then back at me. "Can I tell you something?" she asked.

God yes, I thought to myself. "Of course." I said trying not to sound too eager, staring her into the eyes.

"I really wanted to kiss you, too." she revealed, trying to look away but looking for my reaction.

Okay, all bets are off, I thought to myself in what had to be one of the most exciting moments of my life to that point. I figured I would let Dawn be the next to speak before I said anything to ruin this. It was clear she had the same idea as me as she wasn't offering anything else. I eventually decided I had to be the one break the silence.

"So what are we saying then?" I finally asked.

Dawn looked like she had just made up her mind about something when she finally responded.

"Okay, cards out on the table." she quickly said. "On the one hand, you have a wife. I had a husband I trusted who went behind my back for another woman, and I could never forgive him for that. I told myself I would never be that other woman to anyone else." she told me.

I stared at her in anticipation, praying to hear the details of the other hand.

"On the other hand," she continued, "I like you. I really like you and in a way that I haven't liked a man since I can remember..." Her voice trailed off there. Was this my cue? Was I going to dive off of this ledge? God I just wanted to kiss her and figure out life later.