by Barry C
This was really badly written. You need a lot more practice with this. It wasn't at all erotic, and what little pleasure I might have gained from it was ruined because I was so distracted by bad writing and worse grammar. Sorry Barry, better luck next time.
It is a good story the above comment was a bit harsh IMO.
Hope you stick with it you can only get better and the concept of the story is TOPS!
Your story had some real possibilities, but 1)you had grammatical mistakes; 2)your plotting was weak; and, 3)you didn't bring the story to a strong enough conclusion. Next time, write your story through a few times, edit it yourself, then submit it. You'll find you get more positive results and be encouraged to continue writing. Take this story and work out a few twists in it, then send it in again and see what happens.t