by toast37
Without the last two paragraphs, I'd have rated it 4 or 5. But ending the storyteller's life instantly . . . it changes everything. It suggests that you don't care about the feelings of your readers; that maybe you just wanted to shock us. It doesn't encourage me to ever read another of your stories.
With that ending. If you wanted true life then the two MCs would not have waited til they 21-22yo to have sex. Sally would have fucked a couple guys at least and Brian would have hooked at least once with someone so trying to be "real life" with that garbage ending is your sorry failed attempt to be something you are not, a good writer. Thanks for not writing anymore because it wastes nobody's time anymore.
I cringed at the ending, but hey, it can and does happen in real life sometimes. I wouldn't have wrote it that way, but it's the author's prerogative.
Boooooooo. Really death? Instantly after. Plot twist for sure but ruined what could have be a good mini series
This is hilarious, and pretty much exactly how this story would go if written by the Brian I actually lost mine to. I hope you're not actually a ghost.
I know life is not always fair...but you definitely got a surprise ending!
Argh my life in a nut shell except the dying part that sucks. Good writting but do not like the ending.
I'm sorry, I try not to be negative in my comments. All you authors expend so much creative energy in your writing to provide entertainment for both your own and others' enjoyment.
However, this time I was quite disappointed in the conclusion to the story . I admit to being an incurable romantic and felt that this story was developing to become one of my favorites. Unfortunately, while being dramatic, the ending left me feeling a little depressed as I do not really enjoy tragedies, there are enough of them in real life. Thanks for your story, it was well crafted, poignant and dramatic, but this time not quite to my taste. I will read your other work and I am sure that I will enjoy the experience.
Ghost?
Anyway, the story would do better with it's picked up from the girl's point of view, how she got over this heartbreak, or never does.
From confession of True Love to fucking a whole of 1 hour (spend making out), Sex pretty standard, then hero killed to supposedly make story more interesting - but it fails. Without real interest in hero or any cause it is just authors trick.
he needs to not die. Its frickin sad and depressing come on.
Oh gosh. Why did you have to kill him? I want to cry now. Poor sally. Anyway, it was really good.
Good story, I liked it. I wish the sex was different in these stories, but you did an excellent job describing the emotions here. Kudos!
So I was like CUTE and then I was like YOU STUPID FUCKER.
Way to ruin a cute story. Dick.
What a stupid ending! The story was great and after all that time they were finally together and starting their lives. I can read crap like that ending in the newspapers, that's why I quit reading them.
Damn, you really got me on that one. Good story, good sex and my first thought was :="crappy ending". Second thought, though, was "WTF??" I'm not one for long serieses; your other "first time" story is similar to this one. CAN you write a sequel??
Be interesting to see. I'll be watching....
viking3
The ending was a surprise and a bit of a downer, but you're right...life IS fucked up like that sometimes. Still a heck of a good story.
Just for being spontaneous you get an A-OK in my book. Other folks didn't like it but I thought it was a nice touch for people that would like to die happy.
u killed the dude!!! If just continued the story rather than killing him. it would b so much better
Good story ruined by a sucky ending it couldve been a great series if you wouldve just let it continue but you didnt
You could have turned this into a great series
Loved the main story easily a 5 star but the fact he dies at the end pulls it down to a 3 in my books
Really liked the story until the ending oh well will have to give it a liked it vote instead of loved it
There were some problems with the writing, nothing I couldn't overlook, and the author shows promise as new-ish writers go.
Right up until that ending.
I mean, as a narrator, you shouldn't be dying. How can you then tell the story? If the girlfriend had died, well, that would have been at least a more logical outcome, bemoaning the loss of someone you love rather than being someone else's loss.
Sorry, that ending lost it for me. Other than that, a pretty fair effort.
i thought the ending was great, made me laugh out loud. You have this sugar-sweet story about first love, and then the guy gets plowed in a car accident. and your last line is "life is fucked up like that sometimes." I hope you were laughing when you wrote the story, if you were serious it would be corny.
Why go to the trouble of writing something well, then give it such a lousy ending?