Trust

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the ravings of a lunatic. Copyright H20wader. Edited by techsan, I add material after the edit (a weakness I know but I cannot stop) so all errors are mine alone.

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It was family night. The one night a week when the family gathered in the family room and met to talk of joys and the things that were happening in the lives of each family member. I started, like all family nights, with a prayer for the continuing health, safety and love in our family. The eldest son was in charge that night. Each child had a turn at being in charge. This would give them confidence to carry out any tasks they may be assigned in the future. As each child had six weeks to prepare, family night could be anything, from board games to charades to object identification by touch of various and sundry household items. It was fun and reinforced the family ties.

Edward was now a young man. At 18 he was an ‘A’ student and played baseball and soccer for his high school. His senior year was going great. There were also several colleges that really wanted him to attend their schools. He was only half-listening to the college offers because he and the family knew he had an obligation to the Church first. He would be in the mission field before college.

Emily was 16 and beautiful like her mother. She had the hair, the eyes, the walk, and all the mannerisms. She would be a fine woman just like her mother. She would talk tonight about forgiveness. Some friend of hers who did not belong to our Church had made a mistake and was with child. Emily would tell how this had changed the young woman’s life and her family’s life. Fortunately, the young woman had decided on adoption. She would need all the friends she could find.

The twins were 13, Erin the girl and Eric the boy. They were always scraping about something. They loved each other but they were trying to be twins and different at the same time. They did not look alike or think alike but they were very good students.

Robert was the smart one. In kindergarten he had been found to be years ahead of his classmates. Tests had shown an IQ and an intelligence far beyond the present possible measurements. He was only ten but was taking college courses while in the fifth grade. My wife and I worried for this child. He was so intelligent and so inexperienced that we feared he would be hurt badly in finding a world that did not understand him.

The baby was just seven. Another copy of her mother. Joanna was the one who received the attention as the baby of the family. Moreover, she gloried in it. The family agreed that she was spoiled and rotten and we all loved her so very much.

My wife, Virginia, was the core of our family. She was the glue that held us together. She knew where the children were and what they were doing every minute of every day. The large calendar in the kitchen had every appointment, every practice, every meeting, every pick-up and drop-off. I truly believed that if she lost that calendar the entire family would be lost.

She looked just the same as when I met her in Church almost 21 years ago. Black hair, green eyes, a figure that was womanly and, in our bedroom, sexy, tall at five foot nine, she could still wear her wedding dress. She wore it every year on our anniversary for me in our bedroom. Each anniversary was a redo of that special night. How did she arrange that? With five babies she was never too big on our anniversary to wear her wedding dress. I loved her more today than I did then when I made all those promises and vows. She owned my heart.

Me? Well, I am 46 years old; I am active in the Church. I own a rather small, well known manufacturing firm that produces very small, very technical surveillance items for the security industry and of course the federal government. I am Hiram Anderson. I guess I am just an average person. I work, I take care of my family, and I save for the future. Just an ordinary husband for the most beautiful woman in the world.

The family night was wearing down. I had been involved in some heavy negotiations at work and I was tired. Each child had a few minutes to tell about their week, their joys, their disappointments, their plans for the coming week. All in all just a regular family night. Then my wife stood to tell of her week and my world came apart.

“I wish to ask the family’s forgiveness. I have made a mistake, a vast mistake. I have broken my marriage vows and I have been unfaithful. It will not happen again. I ask that each of you please pray for me and try to forgive me. I am very sorry but at this time, I cannot tell you any more than that. I will meet with the Bishop tomorrow. I love all of you so much and especially Hiram, my husband.”

The room had been humming with giggles and comments about the children’s tales of their week. This was as if a huge stone had been cast into still water. There were questions from everyone. All voices were heard, except mine. I sat there in shock unable to breathe.

“Please wait a minute. I realize that you are worried about the family. I know you want to know more. I cannot tell you more at this time nor will I discuss it with any one but your father.”

Well, that was that. The family night ended on that. The closing prayer was by Emily. She prayed for the family to remain together and loving, for reason and forgiveness for her mother and she prayed for understanding.

There was a snack after the prayer. I was served by my baby, Joanna, with a smile on her face and I just looked at her as if she was suddenly a stranger. My mind was reeling and I could not think. I was lost in the words, I have been unfaithful.

She was waiting for me in our bedroom after I visited each of the children in the various bedrooms in our house. We had planned on children and we had a three story house. There were bed rooms on every floor. The master on the first, 4 bedrooms on the second and a large visitor’s suite in the basement. The third floor was a converted attic and Robert’s suite. He and I had built that for him for his 15th birthday.

It normally takes me 15 minutes to make the rounds. Tonight it took longer because every child had questions I could not answer. Each was fearful that out family was coming apart. Each had fears that I did not know how to deal with. I told four of them that things would be okay, that their mother and I would talk and see how things were, that I did not plan on any drastic action.

The fifth child was Robert. He had no questions at all.

“Dad, you will never be hurt like this again. You have never been hurt like this before. Just remember that God never gives a trial that he does not have a way for you to overcome it.”

I said he was intelligent.

I entered the master bedroom door and closed it. She was dressed for bed. Or rather undressed. We slept nude. There were robes on the back of the door that we could slip into if we were needed by one of the children.

“Hiram, I know you want to talk but I need to see the Bishop first. Then we will talk. Please, wait until after I meet with him tomorrow,” she faced the wall and pulled the sheet and blanket to cover her shoulders.

I prepared for bed and lay naked on my side of the bed. The swirl of images hit me. Evil, nasty, pictures of my wife and men. I went to the bathroom and vomited. I sat in the rocker where she and I had rocked all of the children to sleep. For some reason I did not cry. I did not sleep until late. It was when I awoke that I remembered that I had not for the first time in my life said my bedtime prayer.

Breakfast was normally loud, crashing, with each person talking with several people at the same time. I, for the first time in my marriage, had nothing to say. Neither did Virginia. All the children were too quiet. It was not breakfast time at the Anderson household. It was more like a funeral.

I loaded my car with the ones I had to drop at three different schools and left for the trip to work. Only Robert did not go with me; on Thursdays he went to the university with his mother. The trip was again just too quiet. I made my stops and arrived at the plant.

My head was still in a fog. Who? When? Why? Had I failed her? Who? Could I forgive her? Who? Were the children mine? Who? Who? Who?

There was a major contract coming up to be renegotiated. The major distributor of the small surveillance devices was flying in to settle a contract for another two, three or maybe four years. I wanted the longest possible contract at the highest price I could get, Donal wanted a two year deal and a discount. I had my office staff working on the contract I wanted and the details were wearing heavily on the five of them. The Chinese were copying my product and were trying to sell it in the Asian market. The patent was in my name and had six more years to run and there was an advanced model that would be patented very soon. I needed a large company like Donal’s Givens International to fight the Chinese for me. I was not making that kind of money. Donal could reach more customers and could meet any challenge to the product.

So I was at the office but my mind was not working. It took until lunch before my secretary told me I was too much of a hindrance and sent me home. Home was where I did not want to be.

I called our Bishop.

“Bishop Ferguson, Hiram Anderson. I need to see you as soon as possible.”

“I am meeting the Councilors. Can it wait?”

“No.”

“Come over, my friend. I am at the Church.”

I was there in 20 minutes.

‘Brother Anderson, I have meet with your wife. She is filled with pain and fear that you will no longer love her. She expressed regret, remorse and a penitent outlook. I heard what she told me and I feel that she should be forgiven and returned to her place in your family and in the Church. She is very hurt by what has transpired.”

“So am I. I need to talk to her but she would say nothing until she had talked to you. I love her, but I don’t know how to trust her again. I don’t know why, or when, or where or who. I just feel lost.”

“I will not say anything beyond what I have said. She is repentant and begs forgiveness. Since God allows that to be the reason for forgiveness, I forgave her. You must pray and seek His guidance.”

Well, that was the shortest meeting I ever had with the Bishop. He did pray before we talked and after we talked. Every sentence had the word forgiveness, understanding, loving family, or acceptance in it. Most of the meeting was used for those prayers.

I returned to my house. The children were in school and my wife was, according to her calendar, grocery shopping. She shopped at three food stores and with seven of us she bought quite a lot of food. The five offspring would help her put everything away when they came home. I dropped them off, she picked them up. Sometimes that took 2 or 3 trips depending on when the practices or whatever ended. I was lost. I needed help. I was just angry with her.

I prayed. I begged for the strength to forgive her, for the will to accept her again as my wife. I prayed long and hard. I failed. Usually after prayer I felt better, relived, refreshed. This time nothing had changed. I was already weary of the anger, the pain, the grief. I hurt too much to reason clearly. I heard the doors upstairs and went up to greet my family. there was a busy time where all the new supplies for a family of seven were put in the proper places.

Virginia had purchased a take-away meal as she often does on major shopping days..

The entire family gathered for dinner. Thursday was one of the few times this happened and we delayed the time to 6:30 so it could happen. The blessing of the food prayer was by Robert. He prayed for the less fortunate, an early successful conclusion and an early end of the war, the safety of the fighters on both sides. He asked for love, forgiveness and understanding within the family. We ate in near silence.

Once the dishes were cleared away by the children and loaded into the dishwasher, my wife asked to speak to me alone. She turned to go to our bedroom.

“Virginia, we will talk somewhere else. Not in there.” There was no way I could talk to her in the sanctuary of our bedroom. I walked out of the house to my car and waited for her. She followed. I drove to the parking lot at the Church. There were some cars in that lot but not many on a Thursday night. I parked, turned off the ignition and waited.

“Hiram, I confessed last night at the family night. I will not say more. I ask for your forgiveness and understanding.”

This was not what I had expected.

“When did it happen? Why did it happen? Who was it?”

“I will not anger you more, Hiram. What is done is done. Telling you will make you hurt even more than you are hurting now. I have talked with the Bishop and he thought I should have talked to you before I confessed to the family and before I talked to him. You should have been first to know because you are the head of this household. While he does see that you may not be totally happy with this, he has allowed that I can do this.”

My hands gripping the steering wheel were white as my grip tightened, “So I am to know no details of this unfaithfulness.”

“Hiram, it is best this way. Telling you will let you focus on what I have done. The ugly details will only distract you from forgiving me. You love me and we will move our marriage on from here. In time I will tell you but not now.”

“Will you go to a marriage councilor with me?”

“If you wish. But not to tell you of what I have done. I will go to move on with our marriage.”

“I am not sure that our marriage has a future. I think I need to know more about this infidelity. Are all the children mine?”

“Hiram, I would never do that to you. Hiram, can we go home now? The children will be worried.”

“If that is all you have to say, we will go home now.” My heart was heavy in my chest.

I was stunned. I needed to know what had happened and she was not going to tell me. The anger rose into my throat again. I stopped the car before we left the parking area and vomited again. I could hear her softly crying, as we drove the 1.5 miles to our house. The children were in the front room when we arrived. Emily had been selected as the spokesperson.

“Mom, Dad, how did it go?”

We both waited for the other to speak. She broke first.

“We have a ways to go. It is difficult but your father is a loving man and our family will not be divided. I feel sure that with the Lord’s help we can cross over this hard trial and be stronger for it.”

The children were happy that things were going so well or at least happy that my wife saw no divorce in their future. I was not sure about anything, other than my wife had not told me what I needed to hear.

Friday was game day for the soccer team; Friday was also the last day we had to get ready for the negotiations that would start on Monday. My workers had families and it was almost never that anyone had to works on weekends. Last time around it had taken one day but it took a week to be ready. this time around we had been preparing for three weeks. I was able to work a bit before I lost the direction of what I was doing. The staff called me back from where ever I was drifting several times. It was not a good day.

Robert’s team lost the soccer game two to one. He tends to blame himself for all losses. So he was quiet when he and I drove home. I did not wish to say anything either. Home was still too quiet. Everyone was walking on eggshells, scared to laugh or joke and even yell at each other. I tucked in all the sleepy heads and headed for Robert’s room

“Good night, Robert.’

“Will you forgive her, dad?”

“Robert, I am trying very hard.”

“There is no try, just do.”

“Young man, I will not discuss this with you. It is for your mother and I to find our way through this. Now you get some sleep.” I slapped him on the butt and headed for the master bedroom. Funny, it had been ‘our bedroom’ for so many years now it was the ‘master bedroom.’

She was waiting for me nude as always. She was so beautiful and she was an adulterer.

“Hiram, we need to pray together.”

“Virginia, I have prayed. Every hour, many times a day since your confession. I am still hurt, angry, and I just feel lost. It is as if something has died but there was no funeral for closure.”

She knelt on her side of the bed. She prayed for the family, for love, for understanding, and she prayed for forgiveness. She finished and waited for me. I echoed her prayer and got into bed, turned my back to her. I listened to her cry until she quieted and I fell asleep.

The weekend was no better. She knew what I needed to get past this and she would not tell me. Without that I was stuck. I had no idea what to do. I did not want this to continue but without her telling me what had happened I could not seem to move.

Sunday was the first time in my life I refused the sacrament. My wife did not, she partook. I was made angrier by this. I did however have an idea. I was ready for Monday. Maybe I could kill two birds with one stone.

I was not in any real shape to negotiate anything but this contract would provide solid jobs for my 250 workers for another three or more years. I entered the conference room, noting that I was the last to arrive. There were five people in the room but only two mattered. Me and Donal Givens. He was the owner of Givens International and the biggest distributor of our little devices. We had this day set aside to hammer out the delivery dates and the minimum amounts he would buy every year. The last thing would be the prices. I was ready for this but in a tangent from what was expected.

“Okay, Hiram, I want to be on the 10 o’clock flight out of here so let's settle this quick.”

“We will see, Donal. We can do it in two minutes. We both know our companies' capabilities. You have the figures to know what I can do.”

“ I want a price reduction of one per cent a year for the life of the contract. That will give you time to cut costs and I will end up with a four percent reduction in the price.” well, good, he was planning a four year deal.

Suddenly the anger rose up. “We cannot do that. We make the best. If you want the best, you pay for the best. You have sold our products around the world for six years and make excellent profits. This is our price, take it or leave it.” I wrote some numbers on a piece of note paper and slid it toward him. I got up and walked to the door. There was silence behind me.

My secretary followed me out. “Mr. Anderson, do you know what you are doing? This was not planned. We do not want to endanger the company. We need this contract.”

I just walked to the restroom and vomited again. I might have lost the jobs of 250 good men and women. I might have just lost the company I had worked for and planned on for the last 15 years of my life. Or I might have just found a way out of my problem. I left the restroom and went down the hall to the break room and found a bottle of water in the refrigerator with my marker, a large yellow rubber band, around the middle of it. I took a drink wondering what my wife was doing now ... no, I was wondering who she was doing now.

I stood up. Maybe I was finished. What would my children do? What would I do, IF it all went wrong? Strange but I was not worried about my wife. I knew what she could do. I walked back to the conference room. In for a penny, in for the whole ball of wax.

They all looked up as I entered.

“Well, are you going to make that 1O AM flight or not?” I was not smiling.

“Yes, I will make it. I find your price unreasonable. I will not accept it. I will find another supplier.”

“Do you have a better product in mind?”

“No. You make the best.”

“Can you get better delivery dates?”

“No, your dates are very good. I have never had a delivery problem with you.”