Truth and Marriage

"Lie still."

"I'm sorry Tony."

"You've definitely got a bad bug, honey. I've got to get you home."

Margaret tried to stretch out a leg. It was caught behind the toilet. She twisted, writhed in Anthony's arms, and suddenly she knew what he had said, the importance of it.He knows! And he still loves me!Once again a comedic shtick, once again nothing funny about it, for what comes with that knowledge? Guilt, relief, regret, thankfulness, humiliation. Memories. It's a potent blend. Margaret began crying once again, but this time she did it into Anthony's chest and let him comfort her.He loves me!She couldn't stop crying, because Anthony loved her.

* * * * *

Anthony let Margaret cry herself out. He spent the time extricating her leg and adjusting her body, so that she could lie more comfortably, then he put his mouth to her forehead. "Shh. It's okay, honey." He was holding her like he often did after they made love.

When Margaret could talk at all she said, "I thought you'd hate me."

"You're my sweetheart. Don't worry. Nothing's coming between us."

She cried some more, then asked, "How long have you known?"

"From the beginning. No. Don't look that way. I don't know exactly when it started, not the day and hour, but I knew for a few weeks before it ended."

He, too, could keep a secret.I wish I didn't know so much. God, you were an idiot. You never even emptied your deleted email folder. I could tell the investigator where you would be, in advance, so he could get the photos.

Margaret made a sound against Anthony's chest, half a cry, half a whimper, a moan, something.Weeks!"Oh my baby!" Anthony just kissed her head again.

"It's okay. It's past." He raised his head and called out. "Judy! Can you get Margie something cold to drink?"

"But you never showed it."

What Anthony said was, "I couldn't let you know. I had to decide what to do. And it's past." What he thought was this:If you knew how much I covered up hating you, you'd be terrified. I'd never felt that way in my life.

Margaret reached a hand up to his face, but she felt too shy to actually touch him, now that she knew he knew. "It must have hurt you so much."

"Yes. It did."It still does sometimes.He took her hand and kissed it. "And we don't have to go over it."

Anthony tried to help Margaret to her feet, but she grew lightheaded again, so they went back down to the floor. He called again to Judith and her husband, and Margaret was again assaulted by her memories.I thought I was so careful. I thought if we had sex once in a while and I gave you a nice 'O' show, you would think everything was fine.

There were questions Margaret didn't want to ask, but now had to. They were of the things she'd known would be the cost if Anthony ever found out, that she had worried about, on and off, across the years. She had to ask him now, because he'd known all along.

"How could you stand to stay with me?"

To this, a sigh. Margaret felt it in Anthony's chest as much as heard it. "I saw a 'Dear Abby' column. A woman asked what she should do about her philandering husband, and Abby told her to decide whether she'd be better off with him or without him. I followed the advice." Another sigh.I'd want you. I'd want to hurt you. I'd want what was best for the kids.

"But how could you still love me?" Margaret almost didn't ask that question, because she was afraid he would decide, after all this time, that he didn't.

"I always loved you." For a long time he had thought he didn't.I was trying to be practical.That changed when he'd remembered how they had been before, how once they had held hands, and talked, and walked with arms around each other, and played. He remembered the little things she had done for him because she was affectionate.Somehow, I'd grown irritated with you.He kissed her on the top of her head.Why? You took time away from my work. You talked about things that bored me. You didn't do chores efficiently. Stupid things. We argued over nothing, Margie. It wasn't all bad. It was just flat. Why wouldn't you look around?

What he said was, "I missed you, and realized I'd lost you, and my only hope was to win you back."

Margaret noticed the hesitation in Anthony's voice. She saw him stare at nothing in particular. A towel rack. The door.You loved me all along. You did. Even then.She touched her hand all the way to his face, and when she moved the syncope grew worse.

Anthony helped Margaret to stand again, leaning against him, then swung his left arm under her knees and picked her up like a child.My poor darling. I once thought because you're so powerful, that you couldn't be hurt.The room rocked and then they were out in the hall. Margaret's right arm was swinging back and forth, like a doll's arm. She couldn't hear people.I must have broken up the party.She pulled her arm from down below, all the way up to Anthony's neck, pulling herself in with whatever energy she could find, so that her face was at his shoulder. "My strong man," she whispered. He smiled.Would you carry me like this if you knew just how bad I was? Could you still love me? Could you stand to even touch me? I'll tell you if you ask, but please don't ask.

Anthony carried her into a den in the back of the house. The room was all wood—floors, walls, ceilings. To Margaret it was like a shelter deep in the woods. Safe with her Anthony, who took care of everything.What if you knew about the time in John's office? He made me take off my clothes and masturbate right in front of him, then suck him all the way. Students were waiting out in the hall to see him. I don't want you to know everything I did.

Anthony lay her on a leather couch and took a glass of apple juice from Judith, and helped Margaret drink. Judith rested the fingers of one hand on Anthony's thigh while Margaret sipped. She wasn't obvious about it, and Anthony ignored her.

This is so much better, Margie. It's so much better being tender to you than wanting to crush you. I wish it hadn't come back up.At one point he planned to convert everything to cash and disappear with the twins. When she got home, they'd be gone.All you would have would be the photos from your affair. But then there was the other side.

Judith left again.

"I remember what you did. I didn't know why you were suddenly so sweet." Margaret's forehead was now covered in a fine sweat. "Right after it ended. That was when you arranged the surprise trip to Blowing Rock, just us two, and your mother came in to baby-sit the twins."

"Yeah. Part of my plan. I didn't know what I'd do if you refused to go. It was either that or... I don't know." A shrug. He was losing the words. "I didn't know if it was already too late." So much had changed.When we were first together, you'd sparkle when you were around me. That's the word my mother used. Sparkle. I thought it was silly. Childish. It embarrassed me. Then you weren't sparkling anymore.

"What if...?" She almost stopped herself. "What if it hadn't ended then?"

"You were both married. You both had kids. I had to count on it."

You don't need to know everything.Anthony had stormed into Boehler's office with copies of the photos, and told him, "If you ever see my wife again, I'm giving these to Janet and passing them around the university! You call Margaret this minute and tell her it's over—that you're tired of it!"I could have killed that motherfucker.

"Well, you were right. He dumped me."

And I surprised myself by feeling sorry for you, at how sad you became. I would have thought I'd bask in the glow of your broken heart. But that was my chance to come back into the picture.All Anthony said was, "He was a dick."

Margaret knows John was more than a dick. He was a dick without a conscience or limits. While Anthony helped her to her feet, her face hot, her body hot, her energy draining to the floor, Margaret was remembering the time he just pushed her over the back of his divan and did her from behind.I didn't want him to come, because he'd stop.

"How could you ever trust me again?"

"It just took time."I was grading papers, and you leaned over the chair to kiss my head, and you played your hands over my nipples. You asked, Don't you need to come to bed? That's when I knew you wanted me again. Maybe I could tell you that. I also snooped in your laptop for over two years. I still do, every so often. I'llnever tell you that!

Margaret raised her head as though she was going to make a point, then stumbled from the den, though the hall with her hand across her mouth, back to the bathroom, where she began throwing up onto the toilet seat. Anthony followed her and held her hair out of the way. When Judith looked in he said, "I'm sure it's the flu." They let her retch until she was empty, then carefully, ever so carefully, helped her out to the car, half carrying Margaret, who was still remembering despite everything, the sour taste in her mouth, her muscles, her head: grunting and pounding against John to wring her last climax from a session. Being completely winded and sweaty. Dozing, tangled in each other.

* * * * *

The next day, Margaret was sweaty and winded in bed at home, still dizzy, nauseous, guilty, miserable. Anthony had set a plastic trashcan beside her, in case her stomach took her short, and a travel-mug of iced ginger ale. When she thought she couldn't eat anything, he proved her wrong by bringing in soda crackers and a cold, peeled, navel orange, and when he set them down she grabbed him around the waist and held onto him like she was drowning.

"I love you so much!" She was crying again. Maybe it was weakness from the flu. Maybe it was relief at being unburdened. Maybe it was love. "I promised myself I'd never do anything like that again. I promise I'll never hurt you again."

"I love you too, honey. And I know you love me."You began acting sweet to me. I thought you loved me again, but it seemed too soon. Then one day I surprised you at your office at lunchtime, and you began to sparkle.

Anthony peeled her arms away and tucked her back in bed. Her eyes were still feverish. He took her temperature, then kissed her.

"Don't. You'll catch it too."

"Then you can nurse me." She pulled him back down and kissed him. It made her dizzy. Everything made her dizzy.

"I want to do that. I want to nurse you. And I want to make love."

"You're on. That'll be the best way to catch it."

"Tony. If I ever so much as look at another man, will you please beat me?"

"I promise. I'll smack you right on the kisser." He made a fist and touched it lightly to her lips.I'd hurt you.

"I'm serious!"

"So am I." He laughed and kissed her forehead.I might kill you.

Anthony had to go back to the kitchen, to make dinner for the twins, so Margaret had plenty of time to think. There was so much she couldn't tell him, ever. You don't understand, Tony. I love you so deeply, you could never know. But I was never your rutting bitch. I wish I had been that way with you. It's the worst thing about the whole period, how thrilling it was.

As Margaret was drifting off, she thought that Anthony would certainly catch the flu from her, and she would be able to care for him. When the bug made him as weak as a kitten, she would give him a long, slow blowjob into the night, to thank him for loving her. She could hardly wait.

Meanwhile, Anthony went on line to check that John Boehler was still at a university far away.

End.