Two Open Marriages

"I think we've past that stage. We see each other's weak spots and aren't as prone to gloss over them as we were when we first met. The 'New Relationship Energy' phase is probably behind us. I'd say we're growing into a mature and lasting relationship at this point. It's hard to know because I'm in the middle of it, but ask me again in a year or two. That said, our intimacy is as fresh as it was the first time; on that count, we're still on our honeymoon."

Laura laughed and shook her head; "Oh God, I may not survive this whole situation that long, but I'll guess I've got to try. It's going to be interesting watching all this unfold as it does."

The rest of the trip home was more sanguine, and the relationship between Jill and me didn't come up again except when we talked about some of the seminars and workshops we'd been in.

* * * * *

Laura did precipitate a more interesting discussion on Friday. As she left for her day she stuck her head in my office where I was working on my book. She said, "I expect to be home around five o'clock. I'm hoping that you can have Jill over here. There are a couple of things I need to say and a couple of questions to ask. OK?"

Her voice was friendly enough, and I didn't think she was the kind to pretend to be nice and then devour her unwary catch. I just nodded and said, "I'll see if she can make it. Hey, have a good day. I love you."

Well, two things happened. First, I called Jill and she could make it. Tom didn't normally get home from work until eight or nine o'clock, and Fridays were no exception. Second, Jill came over after lunch and we spent a good part of the afternoon making love to each other. One result is that we were both pretty mellow and sexually satisfied by the time we made ourselves presentable and sat in the living room awaiting Laura's return.

Laura came home right at five. I wondered if she were intentionally giving us some time together.

I got us each a glass of wine, and every thing seemed quite friendly and normal.

After a lot of small talk, Laura finally said to the two of us, "OK, I sort of requested this get together because I have some things to get off my chest and a couple of requests." Again, she had a warm tone.

Laura said, "I love the two of you very much, and part of me does feel joy that you have both connected in many ways. You are both my dearest friends, and I want to keep it that way."

"That said, I continue to struggle with your togetherness and intimacy. I think I'm better now than a couple of weeks ago, and I'm sure that will improve from your point of view over the next few weeks. I feel I'm on a rocky road."

"That said, my first request is that you be especially cautious about humiliating me or Tom. I don't want you to be out flaunting your relationship in front of others who might know that you're both married to other people. I know you haven't done that, but it's just a reminder."

"My second request is that you manage your together time so that I'm not blatantly aware of it, at least for the time being. As I did this afternoon, I tried to give you both time together by declaring what time I'd be home. I trust you made good use of your time together.

We both smiled slightly and nodded. She had intentionally set us up.

Laura went on, "If my plans change I'll try to let you know, but I also don't plan to park at the end of the street until the arrival time I announce. That means I might 'catch' you sometime. If that happens, we're all adults and know what is happening, and I think we can all be caring and sensitive about each other if that situation arises. There might be some embarrassment, but let's not go overboard about it."

Jill and I nodded some more.

"My third request may be a bit of a reach for the two of you, particularly you Jill." Jill sat up and paid rapt attention to Laura's next words. "I do not want you to continue further without telling Tom what is going on. I can't make you do it, and I'm not threatening to tell him myself, but I think you owe it to your husband and past lover to reveal what has been going on, and what you want to have happen in the future, at least as you can see it now."

Jill nodded and said, "I've been waiting for an opportunity actually. I appreciate you nudging me in that direction. I think I've been looking for the perfect time, and there probably will be one."

Now, it was Laura that nodded.

Jill said, "Would you mind if I brought Jim with me when we told him. Actually, the more I think about it, I wish you both were going to be there because after all this does involve the four of us in very different ways. Maybe tomorrow over lunch?"

Laura said happily, "I accept. I won't mind being there, but know that I will speak my mind on the subject. I won't be laying down any ultimatums and I will encourage Tom not to do that either, but I think it's only fair that he knows I'm struggling with the concept of an open marriage or whatever this is."

I whispered to my wife, "Thank you. I reached over and held her hand for a moment."

Jill choked up a little and spoke; "Laura, I highly value your friendship and your wisdom, and I know my presence is stretching and testing that friendship in severe ways. I don't want our relationship to change because I'm in love with your husband and he's in love with both of us. I still want to shop and just talk and have a friendship with you if you're still willing to have me. I know that may be a tall order, but I'd just like to say that face-to-face so you know how I feel. I can simplify it even more by saying, Laura, I love you too."

Jill had tears running down her cheeks as she looked at her friend. Earlier in the afternoon we'd talked about what Laura must be feeling in excruciating detail. Seconds later Laura had tears too, and a brief moment after that the two women were sitting together on the sofa wrapped in a hug with each other. No, it wasn't the kind of hug that would lead to hot sex or anything; it was just two friends confirming their bond with one another. There was a lot of sniffling going on too, as well as words of affirmation regarding their friendship.

Laura pulled Jill's hand into her lap, held it with both of hers, and looked at her and then me, "Throughout my life, I've been pretty good at compartmentalizing things and at multi-tasking. I plan to use those skills a lot in dealing with all of this. I know that compartmentalizing will let me tuck the parts that bother me in one bin, while I deal with the parts that don't bother me in another. Just be patient ... all of us, with each other; we all need to be patient."

I moved from my chair so I could embrace the two women as they sat next to each other. I kissed each of them, and vocalized my love to them. I think it might have been the first time Laura had heard me tell that to Jill, but she didn't react.

After we dusted ourselves off from that brief discussion, we took a short walk around the neighborhood, and then went to our town center where there was a small Greek restaurant. Laura called Tom, and asked whether he wanted her to bring him home anything for dinner. He did, and so we added that to our order as we ate a congenial dinner.

Saturday morning, about eleven thirty Laura and I walked the mile to Jill and Tom's home. I was a little nervous about what would happen over the next couple of hours, and I could imagine that Jill was about coming out of her skin.

Jill answered the door, and per my expectations she was jumpy and jittery. "Come in, come in," she said in a clipped tone. I gave her a squeeze of support as well as my hug, and felt her sigh slightly as she made an effort to relax.

To my surprise, Laura also gave Jill and hug. I heard her say, "Relax. This won't be as hard as you think. Just know that it's the right thing to do - hard to do, but the right thing." She paused and said, "Now, what can I do to help with lunch?"

As the women went off to the kitchen, Jill shouted down the stairs to the lower level of their home where Tom had his home office. "Tom, come up. Jim and Laura are here, and we're going to eat in a few moments." I could hear the slight tremor in Jill's voice that wasn't normally there, and I wondered if Tom picked up that nervousness.

Tom came up and shook my hand, "Glad to see you again. Sorry I wasn't here to greet you. I'm about to buy into three new IPOs that come to market next week and I've been trying to do my homework to figure out the distribution of the funds we want to invest, something in the vicinity of fifty million. I want some diversity, but also to maximize the returns. It's a multi-dimensional problem, and the analytics are driving me crazy working all the tradeoffs."

I was impressed, but Tom hadn't said anything to try to one-up me in some way or even to have me be impressed with the money he tossed around in the investment markets. No, he was a simple man just expressing his own concern about his investment skills. I knew from past discussions that he never thought he'd done enough homework on behalf of his investors.

We started a conversation about IPOs - Initial Public Offerings, usually small companies who are coming onto the public markets for the first time. Some IPOs are small and others, such as Facebook or Google, were huge when they went public. Sometimes the stocks drop like a rock, and other times the price per share skyrockets into orbit and stays there. Tom told me about the three high tech companies moving into the public domain. Laura and I were some of his investors, so I paid careful attention and hoped he knew what he was doing.

Jill and Laura collected us, and pulled us out onto their back deck. Tom poured us all some wine, and we had a congenial meal with our conversations ranging all over the place.

I personally wondered how Jill planned to start the revelation or discussion, or whatever it would turn into. I was not a fast runner, but I was in slightly better shape than Tom. I thought of the old joke about the two guys hiking who run into a bear, and the punch line is that 'I only need to run faster than you.'

After we'd all pretty well finished our meal, Jill took a huge breath and said, "Tom, I invited Jim and Laura here, because there's something we want to discuss with you - to tell you. Please just let me tell you the situation, and then we can talk."

Tom perked up and looked at his wife. I noticed that over the three years I'd known him, he had grayed significantly around the temples and at the roots. He was in a high stress job and it was taking its toll on him.

Jill timorously said, "I will be direct and concise about this because I know that's how you like your information. Jim and I are in love. We've been having an affair for the past two years, and we plan to continue because we do love each other. I continue to love you, and don't want our relationship to change, but I also want to continue my relationship with Jim. Laura has known about us for the past few weeks, and while she isn't jumping for joy about where we've come to, she seems willing to accept that we want to continue with each other. She will continue to be my closest female friend too."

Tom studied his wife, then me, and then Laura. "Is this true?" None of us were sure to whom the question was addressed.

I boldly said, "Yes, that's the abbreviated version. I have no designs to replace you as Jill's husband, but I do love her as I do Laura."

Tom stood and walked to the edge of the deck and turned back to us. "When Jill met you she changed. She became happier and more vibrant. I could tell when she'd been with either of you because she was effervescent and glowing when I got home."

He thought a moment and we were quiet. Tom said, "I might have guessed this would happen. I haven't been a good husband to her, what with starting this business and the money pressures we've been facing. I guess you know we haven't made love for a long time."

I just nodded.

Jill said, "I don't need you to make physical love to me to love you. You are a wonderful man and provider. I love everything about you. I know you have a lot of our money at risk in your business, but I agreed to that a long time ago. You are still a wonderful man. I'd still love you if we were broke." She went to Tom and hugged him, and fortunately he put his arms around her.

He said, "So, what is it you want me to do or say?"

Jill said, "You don't have to do or say anything. We just want you to know."

I spoke, "I would hope you can forgive us for not telling you earlier. Our concern to prevent hurt feelings seemed to outweigh our desire to communicate what we were going through. We have both pledged to preserve our primary relationships, and even to help each of them grow and remain vital."

Laura said to Tom, "I've come to realize there are upsides to this unusual situation. Jim is more attentive to me after he's been with Jill, and apparently you're seeing a similar response. Sure I know he's overcompensating, but I like that. As you haven't been physical with Jill, I also have not had much of a physical relationship with Jim. That's always been vitally important to him."

Laura left unstated that Jill was fulfilling that function in my life. The point wasn't lost on Tom.

I also didn't want to get into the other areas in my life that Jill also filled. Those were much less important, and to talk about them would be to dilute what was really happening with all of us.

Tom said, "The class in Ashville, you stayed together didn't you?"

"Yes."

"I figured. I watched everyone carefully that weekend. I thought something might be going on, but that weekend confirmed it. Laura, you were upset and tried to hide it, and I could tell it was with both Jim and Jill, not just your husband. Jill was the happiest I'd seen her in months, maybe years, probably because she'd been able to spend a concentrated amount of time with her lover. Jim, you looked worried and concerned for me, and for Jill and Laura. Reflecting back, I could tell you were trying to keep peace in a potential war zone." He laughed in a somewhat forced way as he paced back and forth across the deck near the table.

Jill asked tentatively, "Are you terribly made at me?"

Tom spun around to face her, "I should be, shouldn't I," he paused, "but, I admitted my own shortcomings in this relationship a long time ago, at least to myself. I will reserve the right to be a little angry for a while, and a little insecure, I suppose. I also will need a little reassurance about our marriage, despite my weaknesses and failures in it. I could browbeat myself that I wasn't up to what Jim could do for you, but I admit that. I guess we can apologize to each other for a while. Who knows, maybe I'll become a little more attentive to you and your needs."

Jill nearly whispered, "I am so sorry I didn't tell you earlier."

"No, you probably did the right thing doing it the way you did. Somewhere I remember hearing that most affairs last a maximum of two years. If yours had fizzled, you could just have licked your wounds or whatever, and never said anything, but this ... well, this is unique, coming to the man's wife and the woman's husband and asking for permission to continue in a more open way."

Laura volunteered, "I called it an open marriage, but in this case it's limited to just the two of them."

Tom continued, "So, we'll have two open marriages?"

I said, "Yes, I hope."

"What if I blew up and flew around the sky like a witch and said no, no, no?"

Jill said softly, "No ultimatums, please. Please treat this as a situation in which there are no absolutes."

Tom studied Jill, and remained mute for a minute as we all watched him.

Finally, Tom said in a strained tone, "Do you want permission or something?"

Jill and I both shook our heads. She said carefully in a measured tone, "No. We really aren't asking for permission, because that implies ownership or dominance. You always said we were equals in this marriage. We hope to have your ... approval maybe, but really we just hope for your tolerance and continued kindness to all of us." Jill paused, "I also hope you'll continue to love me. We have a lot invested in our marriage and I'm not at all interested in giving that up. I love you very much."

Tom looked up at the sky and announced abruptly, "My stomach is in a knot. I need to take a walk."

Jill made to go with him, but he turned, "No, I mean alone. Let me think about this for an hour without other conversation." He turned to Laura and me, "You two stay, please. Just give me a little time alone if you could."

Tom took the steps off the deck, and disappeared around the front of the house.

I asked Jill, "Is he going to detonate? Will he go into a depression of some kind?"

She shook her head, "No. He's all business. I'm sure part of his mind is thinking about any impact our relationship will have on his silly fund. I did think he'd be more visibly angry. I've read where husbands call their wives all sorts of vile names, so I wouldn't have been surprised at that. I think he'll be OK." She paused and said, "Let me clear the dishes and get us another bottle of wine; I need some more Dutch courage for the rest of the discussion."

Tom came back an hour or so later. He sat down with us and poured himself another glass of wine. He said, "I have some stupid questions."

Jill and I both nodded.

"Am I supposed to 'do' anything, like vacate the house occasionally so you two can make love or something like that?"

Jill shook her head, "No. As we have done in the past, when we need to be together, we'll find a way that won't impose on either you or Laura. We won't be trying to hide, but we won't be rubbing your noses in our together time either."

Laura spoke, "I asked that they preserve our dignities all around, not flaunt their relationship in public, and not force themselves upon me - or you. Over time, who knows, maybe we'll become inured to their going off together for a while, and we might get so we even talk about it, but for now, I sort of don't want to know what I know might be going on."

Jill said, "Laura also insisted yesterday that we tell you. I had wanted to for a long time, but, well, I kept looking for a good time."

Tom said, "All that is water under the bridge. I like Laura's principles. I may think of another one or two, but for now let's just see how this plays out. I'm sort of with Laura on this; I'm not entirely on board with it, but from the looks on your faces and the way you've talked I know that if we tried to stop it, either we'd lose one or both of you, or drive you underground, and I don't want either of those results. So, let's try it."

Jill kissed Tom's cheek, "Thank you. I love you."

* * * * *

Five years later

Jill and I published our first book together, a non-fiction study of unusual American relationships and marriages based on interviews with close to five hundred people, mostly in couples. Our own stories are buried with the other disguised anecdotes in our writing. The book has gone into a second printing, and may 'pop' into something even more significant because the two of us have been invited to be on Oprah's afternoon show someday soon to talk about what we discovered and about our book.

Jill and I also finished the novels we wrote independently, and published them. Neither is a runaway best seller, but they certainly inspired a greater degree of confidence in our writing abilities.

Jill and I have gone back to Ashville to Hazelwood two or three times a year for various writing and authoring seminars. We were invited to speak at the last one. Many of the people there know we are a couple, and also that we are both married to other people. Somehow that has seemed to enhance our mystique among the other faculty and students, particularly when we talk about the book we co-authored,'Unusual Marriages and Long-Term Relationships in America.'