Ugly American Ch. 02

I tried to be excited for Zoie's sake, but spending the evening in a monkey suit, was not high on my bucket list.

Zoie continued. "Better yet Darrin, on the ten day drydock, I am not needed. So I can either stay on the ship doing fire watch or.."

I jumped right in. "No F'in way are you staying on the ship!" I picked Zoie up hugging her around the waist. "You are staying as a guest at Chez Darrin! AJ has been bugging me to see the sights. We are going to be do up the best South Florida has to offer!"

"Darrin, put me down!" Zoie squealed. As I returned her to the ground, she gave me a look, then said softly. "I'd hope you would say that."

++++++

The ships tailor did a great job, the tux fit perfectly. I did look damn good, if I do say so myself. Zoie was stunning in her evening gown, and I really was enjoying the night. Captain Sven was a fine host, plus the food was excellent.

Suddenly an angry male voice boomed out from behind me.

"What the hell is that Asshole doing here!"

The whole room went silent. Everyone at the table turned. I was astonished to see my ex-wife Anita standing there with a red faced Wesley.

Captain Sven rose from the table. He towered over Wesley. When Captain Sven spoke his voice was every inch the commanding Captain. "Excuse me sir, this man Darrin, is an honored guest of the ROYAL VIKING, and her crew. Now if you will be so kind, the waiter will show you back to your table. Have a good evening."

Anita face was pale white. She seemed to be more in shock at the sight of me in a tux at the Captains table, than I was at seeing her. Wesley however, must have had a few drinks, as he would not let it go.

"Fuck that! Listen up you Love Boat wannabe. We get stuck in some shitty table by the kitchen while this Prick!" Wesley pointed at me. "Gets to sit at the God Damn table of Honor! No Fucking way Sailor boy!"

Captain Sven stared down Wesley for a moment, who started to wilt. "Sir, I assure you the cuisine is just as fine on every table in this dining room. Now will you allow my staff to provide you excellent service, or shall I have security remove you?"

Anita looked like she wanted to shrink into her shoes. She tugged at Wesley's suit coat sleeve.

"Wesley" Anita said in a voice just above a whisper. "Everyone is staring at us. Let's just go sit down."

Wesley turned on her. "Screw you too bitch! I don't need your fat ass telling me what to do. You give me a half assed, world's worse blow job before dinner, and now this crap. I am going back to that tiny fucking shithole without a window they call a cabin." With that he stormed out of the dining room.

Anita stood there stunned with her hands at her face as all the diners stared at her. The room was still silent. I knew I shouldn't ...but I could not resist. I cleared my throat loudly. Everyone looked at me as I peered at my ex-wife.

"Hello Anita. It sure is a surprise to see you." I raised my wine glass at her. "Maybe we'll see each other on your travels about the ship. I'm in a suite, upper deck. Where are you and Wes bunking?"

Anita face burst into tears, as she bolted from the dining room. After a moment the buzz of conversation returned as diners turned their attention away from our table.

I signaled over the wine steward. "Anyone else like some more to drink?"

++++++

I had intended to sleep in the next morning, as my task was done, debark from the little Haitian Island was not until the afternoon. However Zoie was tugging me out of bed at 7 AM.

"Darrin get dressed quick. You need to come to the Broadcast room. The Captain is going to throw your ex-wife, and that guy off the ship!"

I was instantly awake, pulling on my clothes. "Zoie, what happened?"

"Last night your wife's guy got real drunk, and nasty with the staff at the casino. Then he got into a fight with some guests, and the ship security."

"No Shit!"

"It gets worse Darrin, during the struggle a bag of cocaine was discovered on your wife's guy."

I had to laugh this was too much. Wesley getting caught with drugs, this was the best gift ever, and it was not even Christmas, or my Birthday.

I dressed as fast as I could. We were soon in the Broadcast room, watching a feed from the conference Center. One camera showed Captain Sven at a table flanked by the Staff Captain, Hotel Director and several other members of the ships staff. A wide angle shot had Anita sitting in a chair off to the side. She looked like hell. Another camera followed Wesley as he was pacing the room. He was dressed in rumpled clothes that looked like he had slept in them, and was unshaven. The Tech handed me a pair of headsets. I adjusted the volume, listening in on the middle of Wesley's rant.

"..I am not standing for any Kangaroo court. I am a US Citizen, and an attorney, so I know my rights. You cannot hold me against my will. I'll sue all your asses, and own this rustbucket. You will be lucky to be captain of a bathtub toy boat when I get thru with you!"

Captain Sven looked bored as some papers were passed in front of him. He looked down at the papers before addressing Wesley.

"This is a Captains mast hearing not a court. You are correct, as a US citizen we cannot hold you against your will. In fact, we cannot hold any citizen, of any country against their will. However under Admiralty law, I am Master of this Vessel, responsible for the safety, and welfare of all souls aboard my ship. I have viewed the footage, and read the reports. You have attacked both my staff, and attempted to get into a physical altercation with other guests. I rule that you are a danger to both the good ship, and all aboard. There is only one sentence I am allowed to impose. You are both to be removed immediately from the ROYAL VIKING ."

Wesley smacked his fist into his hand. "Fine! Give us back our money, then get us a plane off this piss ant island. I will see your ass in an American court."

Captain Sven stared sternly at Wesley. "Under SOLAS or Safety of Life at Seas, the Jones Act, and the Shipping act of 1984, all of which your country was a signature of. I have only the responsibility to set you off in a Port with adequate food, water, and living conditions."

Now Anita spoke up. "You cannot strand us on this Island with those nigg..those ..Savages!"

"Mam, this part of the Island is a private resort on a long term lease from the Government of Haiti. We will set you off outside its gates, with the remainder of your fare, and personal belongings. How you arrange passage after that point, is at your discretion."

Wesley became enraged. "NO fucking way are you going to leave us to those God Damn Niggers. They'd like nothing better then to get their hands on me." He pointed to Anita. "Do you have any idea what them black monkeys would do to a white women!"

I thought "Wow Wes, you are a walking example of never being too old to learn something stupid."

Captain Sven looked at Wes. He was unmoved by the outburst. "I resent the racist comments you are making toward our Haitian hosts." He then held up a sealed evidence bag containing another bag with white powder. "We have video evidence, and sworn statements of this being in your possession. Our field test kit confirms this is a banned controlled substance."

Captain Sven passed the bag to the Security Chief before continuing. "If you wish, I can alert the Haitian law enforcement authorities on your unlawful pharmacology ownership. The Police National d'Hati or PNH, would arrange both transportation, and accommodations for you and your wife. However I do not feel it would not be in your best interests. Do you agree?"

Wesley looked defeated, Anita started crying into her hands.

Captain Sven nodded toward the Chief of Security. "Please make arrangements to escort these two individuals, with their belonging off the ROYAL VIKING."

I put down my headphones, giving Zoie a crooked smile. Pulling a pack of bubble gum out of my pocket, I tossed it to one of the techs.

"Hey guys." I said. "Think you can burn me a DVD copy of that?"

+++++++

Between AJ and I, it wasn't clear who was more excited about Zoie coming to visit. We played tourist every day, going to the zoo, beach, seaquarium, and South Beach. Just generally having a great time. My Mom, and Brother's family loved Zoie. Although my Sister-in-law made Zoie promise not to teach AJ any more foreign curses, as AJ was promptly sharing any "new" words with his cousins.

The nights were even better than the days. I had never had a women love me like that. It seemed like Zoie had just arrived, when I walked into the bedroom to see Zoie packing her bags.

"My God Zoie, is that that time already?"

Zoie paused a moment folding a blouse. "Yes Darrin, the ship returns tomorrow."

"Damn." I said leaning against the doorway. "How did the time go by so quickly?"

Zoie gave me a sad smile, than patted the bed for me to sit next to her. I could tell something was on her mind.

"Darrin, I have enjoyed much these days with you and AJ, but now I must talk at you about us." Zoie took my hand.

"Darrin, I will say what many ladies think, but do not admit." She paused to take a breath. "I wish to have two children. I know that danger is in having baby after age 34. As you say counting backwards this means I must be making baby number two by age 33. One year between babies put me at age 32. Another year for making baby number one I be age 31. Add more year for wedding, and getting together, so we reach age 30. "

I listened in rapt attention. "Damn Zoie, you plan out your life like a math problem?"

Zoie gave a little smile. "I now 28 years of age Darrin. I no lie to you like many females would do. I can see you would be good father to our children, and good husband to me. But I no make falsehoods to trap, or trick you."

I could tell Zoie was stressed, as her English skills faltered when she was tense. As I started to speak Zoie held up her hand.

"Darrin, I go back to ROYAL VIKING tomorrow. The ship is leaving America to do the far Carib run, and I will not see you for these last three months of my contract. Please take the time to make your decision. If you do not want me I understand, and we will always be friends. But I must look ahead in my life. We will talk no more of this."

Zoie closed the suitcase, then left the room.

++++++

It had been almost three months since I had last see Zoie. I missed her like crazy. Now I was on a 757 airplane winging east, headed out over the Caribbean to meet Zoie, and the ROYAL VIKING. Mac was onboard, needing a part. I had almost reached thru the phone to kiss Mac when he asked if anyone could fly out. There was only one flight a week to Port Angler. I had left straight from work, not even packing any bags, promising the cab driver all the cash in my wallet if he got me to the airport in time for the flight.

I was seated by a window near the rear of the plane. The plane had about 150 passengers on it, so I was lucky to have an open seat between me with a young girl at the aisle seat.

We were halfway into our six hour flight, when the young girl tapped me on the shoulder.

"Hey Mister, how'd you get internet?" She was staring at my laptop.

"Well Honey," I addressed the young girl. "This is a test plane, it's wings contain Phased Arrays that can pick up internet via satellite, not cell phone towers like most aircraft."

"How come you got it, and no one else does?"

"My company is doing a trial test with this airline. I have a pass code with this memory stick to use the system."

"Damn Mister, I wish I had net access. I am frigging bored."

I pulled the USB stick out of my laptop. "My name is Darrin, we'll make a deal. You tell me your name, plus where you're going, then I'll let you use the internet for the rest of the flight."

"Deal!" said the girl. "My name is Kadie, with an E. I'm 16 years old, and I am going to meet my family on some cruise ship called the ROYAL VIKING."

"Well Kadie, with an E, it is nice to meet you. Is your family on board already?" I motioned her to give me her laptop.

Kadie was giggling at me. "You can just call me Kadie, but yea everyone is on board already. My Dad is some big shot political guy, they are filming a lame reality TV show about him. I didn't want to come, but Mom is making me. Says we got to support Dad. It's so stupid!"

I handed Kadie back her laptop. "Your Mom is right, families should stick together. I think it's great you are helping out your Dad."

Kadie was already logging into a facebook page. "Sure. Whatever."

+++++

About an hour was left into the flight. I was staring at the GPS display on the planes seatback screen when I got an idea.

"Kadie, let me borrow your laptop, I will show you something."

After Kadie handed me her laptop. I logged onto the ROYAL VIKING web page. I turned the screen to face Kadie.

"See that?" I pointed to the Laptop display of a real time GPS coordinate of the ROYAL VIKING. "If the Planes GPS is accurate, we should be passing over the ROYAL VIKING in a few minutes. Heck we might see the ship out the window if there are no clouds."

"Cool!" Kadie said.

I nodded. "If we had a parachute, we could jump out right on top of the ship.

"YEA Right!" Kadie laughed.

Sudden a huge "BANG! " rattled the aircraft. The plane started to violently shake.

"Darrin, what's going on!" Katie grabbed my hand. "I'm scared!"

"Me too" I thought. Hell, I was so terrified my back six was completely closed. But I tried to assure the young girl. "Stay calm, I am not sure what's happening Kadie. They should be making an announcement soon."

The Captain came over the speaker, and it was not to wish us Happy Birthday.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid we have a major malfunction, so I need you all to listen to your flight attendants. We may need to make an emergency aquatic landing. If that happens, just please follow the Flight attendants instructions. I have sent out a distress signal, and have been assured Coast Guard help is on its way."

The flight attendants looked ashen, as they scurried down the aisle trying to calm passengers.

"What's that mean Darrin!" Kadie face was dead white.

"Kadie honey, the plane may need to make a big splash in water. Looks as if we are going for a little swim."

"I don't want to die!" Kadie started to cry.

I took her chin in my hand. "Look at me Kadie. You are going to be fine. You're with me, and I'm too ugly to die."

This brought a little giggle, with a smile from Kadie's tear streaked face. It also gave me an idea as the plane started to shake worse, losing altitude.

I swiped my credit card into the satellite phone on the seatback, while searching for a phone number on my blackberry.

I had to listen thru greetings and menus, pressing a series of buttons as an automated voice told me the cost of the call, making sure I acknowledged the charges. I could care less, they could bill my happy ass. If I died in the crash, they could go fish trying to collect.

I punched in a series of numbers. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, an authoritative voice I knew well answered the phone.

"Bridge this is Captain Sven."

"Captain Sven, this is Darrin.."

Captain Sven broke in. "Ah Darrin, so good to hear from you. Mac said you will be joining us in Port. Did you bring any more Aquavit?"

I could see the ocean getting closer to us through the window. "Captain Sven listen, I don't have much time. I'm on an airplane about to crash land a few klicks from your current position." I rattled off the last coordinates I saw on the aircraft GPS screen.

Captain Sven became all business, I heard him yell something to his staff. He then came back on line. "You just stay dry Darrin. We be coming faster then a Valkyrie during a thunderstorm battle. After the..."

The line went dead. I swore to myself, than put the useless headset back in its seat cradle.

The flight attendants were still coaching everyone into position when the intercom squawked "BRACE FOR IMPACT"

++++++

When I was sixteen my brother, and I, got into a really bad car accident that laid us both up for a week. That collision was like an angel kiss compared to when we hit the water.

I had the breath knocked out of me, seeing stars.

My nose really hurt, there was blood streaming down my shirt.

"God Damn it!" I swore under my breath as I touched my face. "Broke my nose -Shit!"

Kadie looked unhurt, but she was shaking like a leaf. "What'll we do Darrin!" Kadie was on the edge of panic.

I took a deep breath. The door behind us had blown open. Thru the window I saw the emergency evacuation slide pop out. I think they doubled as rafts. I ripped out my seat cushion pulling out a yellow life vest, helping Kadie into it. Passengers were already jumping out the door.

I fitted myself with a life vest, pushing Katie in front of me. As I urged her forward, I saw her crotch was stained.

Katie turned to me red faced. "I'm sorry Darrin, I am so scared I peed on myself."

I compelled her to keep moving. "No Worries Kadie. We're all going be wet in a few minutes anyway, no one will notice. Besides I think we are all going to need a change of underwear after this."

The crew was doing a great job getting everyone off.

I helped some of the older passengers off, then saw no one was behind me. The water was almost knee deep in the plane. I grabbed bottles of water from the galley, throwing them out the door.

"Sir what are you doing!" asked a frantic flight attendant manning the rear door.

I continued to chuck individual water bottles, then entire cases of bottled water into the ocean outside. "It's hot out there Honey. We can't drink seawater." I persisted in my looting of the galley liquid supplies-soda, juice, milk, whatever would float.

A man with pilot wings sloshed toward us. "Get the hell out!" he waved at us. "Everyone else has evacuated." He turned jumping out the door.

I motioned toward the open hatch at the flight attendant. "Ladies first," Then I shoved her out the door, before jumping myself.

+++++++

An old pilot axiom is the any landing you can walk away from is a good one. I wonder if the same applies for a landing you swim away from.

One of the plane's wings was torn away, but the body of the plane was still intact. Our pilot had certainly earned his pay. He had done a magnificent job to bring down the plane in one piece. I saw of the six inflatable emergency slides, five had deployed, and were being used as rafts, although two were deflating.

It looked like about 150 of us were floating around, with most people on the slides/rafts. The rest bobbing in life jackets, and holding onto buoyant seat cushions. I saw Kadie, then swam over to her, she looked terrified.

"Hi Kadie!" I tried to put on a brave front. "Boy are we lucky! You know how much people pay to go on deep sea excursions?"

Kadie gave me a weak smile. She was hanging onto a side of an inflated emergency slide. I gave her a boost, pushing her into the slide/raft to join a group of passengers there.

The sea around us was filled with floating seat cushions, with other debris. The water was calm, but the biggest issue seemed to be the current pulling everyone apart. It was separating us into small groups. The crew of the plane was trying to keep everyone together.

About an hour went by. I swam around, gathering up the bottles, and cans tossed from the wreck. I handed out armfuls to various groups of passengers, trying to keep their spirits up by telling every bad Cruise Director and Entertainer joke I could remember from onboard.

Paddling up to the slide/raft Kadie was on, I tossed a bunch of cans of soda, and juice into her lap. Plastering a big smile on my face I said "Miss Kadie, here is your order. That will be six dollars, and eighty five cents –not including tip."