Until I Find You Again Ch. 01

HOLY CRAP. Here comes some 20-something year old looking Hottie in a gorgeous dress suit. NAH, that can't be him. But why is his smile so huge and WHY oh WHY is this 20-something year old Hottie staring me down.

Umm FREAK me out why don't you Mr. Hottie.

Oh...wait a second. Could it be him? HOLY CRAP, well as he gets closer, I think...YES, I REALLY THINK it's him! How do I know? Well shit, he's walking towards me, smile as big as the entire state of New Jersey and he can't take his eyes off of me. His really gorgeous Blue Eyes. FOR REAL. When I say Blue, I mean BLUE. He knows it, I know it. Let's get to it Baby!

So this "Guy" doesn't even say ONE word to me. NOT one. WTF? He GRABS me like a rag doll and shoves his tongue down my throat.

UMMM MORE PLEASE! I'll take a double of that, Mr. Hottie! Hit me up!

Yes, it was My Ryan after all. I'm all in! But first things first, I GOTTA PEE!

He grabs my bags and tells me he wants to take me to bed. No, just kidding! He walks me out to his Truck, an old blue Truck that is super cute. He tosses my bag inside, helps me up to my seat and in we go. He can't stop looking at me. Uhmm Mr. Hottie, please keep your eyes on the road, not me. OK, OK, you can look at me, the road isn't as adorable as I can be when I get all giddy.

His hand rests on my thigh as we drive to....I have NO effing clue. Some town in Virginia. Eh, isn't Virginia like some weird backwards state? At least that 22 year old naive Jersey Girl thought so. Do I need to break out the suspenders and toss my Louis Vuitton to the curb and stick a piece of hay between my teeth? Hope the locks in his house worked. We pull up to his townhouse and in we go.

I strip down and lay naked on the bed...JUST KIDDING. Hold up, be calm, don't rush this...it gets good. In time. Like 15 years later. I'll get to that! I know you are aching to hear about it.

After showing me around his home, which was lovely, and very clean. He had told me he tidied up for me. He sits me down on his couch, we exchange holiday gifts and then I was to change for our evening out. Since he was already in a suit, he was good to go. So deliciously handsome I wanted to eat him up. He smelled so good. Eternity for Men. I'll take this Man for Eternity Mr. Priest. I mean Mr. Rabbi I thought. Just right after I have my way with him. Priorities ladies, priorities!

Well, we went to Hard Rock, and then back to his place. I'll skip Hard Rock since he wanted to leave early.

Before going back to his home, Ryan takes me to the Supermarket to get some snacks for the two of us. I don't remember what we bought. I did buy a cucumber though. NO NO NO not for THAT hole, for my mouth hole! I LOVE to eat cucumbers. Though, on second thought....oh stop, there you go with that dirty mind of yours!

We came back, changed into our comfy sleepwear, talked in quiet for awhile at which time he decided we were going to sleep on the living room floor instead of the bed. WHAT THE WHAT? I wanna go to bed dammit. TAKE ME THERE Ryan! TAKE ME TO BED I thought!

Anyway, AWESOME. Par-tay on the floor! After so sweetly making up the bed (on the floor, which he made so wonderful for us) He puts on a movie. Lit a candle, turned the lights off and hits play... Forrest Gump. This Hottie knows his stuff. He doesn't have to butter me up.

He told me to lay down and I did. He pulled me so tightly to him. Again, like a rag doll. Ryan was a pretty built Guy. Very solid and though I could have cared less what he looked or felt like, he had a grip, that I would never forget, even to this day. It was a very strong, but also gentle grip. You just get engulfed in his arms. Standing so much taller, than my 5'1 frame, it's easy for a man to wrap his body around me. At Ryan's 6 foot frame he empowers me. That's why I like taking control of him sometimes. I like to sit on his lap, or have him sit down while I stand. But hey, laying down together is even better.

With his arms wrapped around me, we started kissing. HOLY CRAP his kisses rocked my world. He would slide his tongue deeply and softly in and out of my mouth as continued to hold me close. He was gentle with me, but knew when to work it. He always, always, always put me first and made sure I was comfortable and that I was not doing something I did not want to. He never went beyond where I was comfortable.

This boy ran around the block and back so-to-speak. Thankfully I was the dead-end- at the moment.

Laying in his arms, feeling so safe, so at ease, his soft kisses, his quiet laughs, the TV turned way down, lights off and those first moments of being together after a year of talking on the phone was heaven. I remember snuggling up to him and drifting in and out of a state of pleasure. Ryan used to laugh that I would fall asleep on the phone with him (literally) and here we finally are. Arm in arm and sleeping together. It only took one year.

I will never forget those moments. Though as the years went on, I had to hold onto them even tighter as memories can begin to fade.

Just being near Ryan got me so hot and wet, but my darn period had me held up. God, what are you doing to me? Maxi-pads and panties on a night like this? Eff my life. He had non-stop talked about eating my pussy and making me feel good for one long year, and now the day I am with him, I am out of commission. God, you are a twisted God!

I climbed on top of him, with dripping wet panties and maxi-pad to boot, and I straddled him and literally with full force, In one quick swoop, I took off his shirt. THIS WAS GETTING GOOD! As I ran my hands up his hard chest. LIKE ROCK SOLID hard. His hands reached to cup my very large breasts over my nightshirt. I leaned down to kiss his lips and whisper in his ear "I love you" he kissed back even deeper and said "I love you Ali" I sat on him as we looked at each other....without warning and without speaking, I then shimmied my big girl curves down his strong legs and pulled down his boxers. Smiley face ones. HAWT! Out came his cock and into my mouth it went. OK, not much to say here, it lasted like a hot three minutes. I sucked, he came. Goodnight. We fell asleep to the Forrest Gump ending credits. Super Romantic!

To this day, every time Forrest Gump is on, or I hear the Love theme for the movie, I think of that night with Ryan. It will forever be associated for me. Not a lie. Forrest Gump = Ryan.

Lollipops = Ryan. Oh wait, I'm getting way off track now....

Don't be so disappointed in the 3 minute Blow Job Peeps. Please. Don't look into that too much. He was super hot and horny and well, wouldn't you struggle with holding out the first time together after speaking on the phone for a year? ONE YEAR of hot phone sex or just "sex" as we used to call it - and now we are together and "The Shot Heard 'Round The World" was more like a rapid fire release from an M-16.

I'll get to the juicy stuff in time. Patience. It takes patience. And time. A SHIT LOAD of time.

Yes, brace yourself for the XXX version of Jewish Princess meets Hottie Catholic. In theaters soon. Wouldn't it be fantabulous in 3D?

or 40DD? Like my Breasts!

Next morning, as the Sun woke me up. I felt something on my thigh. No, it wasn't a Tarantula, It was his hand. He was fast asleep with his hand on my thigh, mmmm his big, thick hands....I'm slipping again. Back to waking up. So his hand was on my thigh and his head nuzzled into the back of my neck. I gently took his hand off of me and got up to get showered and dressed. When I came back to the living room he was on the floor still. I lay down next to him and we chatted for awhile as he held me tight. He never really took his eyes off me while we spoke. I liked that.

In all the time we were in each other's company, we not once discussed the party line hook up. Which actually made it way more comfortable.

Ryan excused himself and showered and changed. Looking back, I should have waited outside the shower with a Towel to rub him down. I mean get him off. DAMMIT I mean DRY HIM OFF. I should have done something to get my hands on that delicious tush of his. Kisses, Tongue, Teeth, Lips, Fingers - MMMmmmm how they love that tush of his.

I was having such a great time with him. I think he was having a good time too. He took me all around DC. We went to the Arlington Cemetery, The Lincoln Memorial, grabbed lunch at Subway and sat on a park bench by the water. We kissed a lot. Held hands a lot. Hugged a lot. It was really nice. Ryan made sure I was having a good time. We would take long, slow walks to different points of interest and he would stop short and grab me, hold me and give me a kiss on the lips. It was very sweet. He would wrap me in his arms and jacket to keep me warm in the bitter cold. He was very good to me during our short time together.

I was starting to get emotional. Our time was winding down. I had to be on the train and back home to NJ. The entire time together was just a wonderful time. Ryan was all that I expected and more. He was very accommodating to my desires and looking out to make sure I was having a good time. He made sure I was safe. He even called my Mother the night I arrived and told her not to worry that he would take good care of me. He made sure he purchased any food and drinks I wanted beforehand, made sure I had all I wanted to be comfortable.

We were approaching the Train Station. Major tears overflow about to happen. He pulled into a parking spot and I started crying. Like REALLY crying. So hard that snot was rushing out of my nose, he had to give me his winter gloves to wipe my nose with. COME ON LADIES, THAT right THERE is some awesome stuff.

He held me and told me to not cry that we would see each other soon. Well, that didn't help because I still cried..and cried...and cried....He took my face in his hands, wiped my tears with his fingers and said that we would see each other on his Birthday. Which was only a couple of months away. He dried my tears and into the station we went. I told him he didn't have to wait with me and he said he was going to see me off and not leave me alone in there. I finally stopped crying and decided it is what it is. It's time to go.

We walked the shops in the station hand in hand. Enjoying the final moments we had together. We got a slice of Pizza, sat down, chatted, had some laughs and as the time started ticking, he said we needed to get to my gate. Ryan sat down on a chair and motioned for me to sit down next to him.

He crossed his long legs and all of a sudden became silent. Ryan wasn't really silent most the time I was with him. So I could tell he was in deep thought.

I rested my elbow on his leg and faced him. I remember I had my hair in a ponytail and small silver and diamond dangle earrings and the Star of David necklace he gave me. He turned to me and said I looked "really cute today" He had no smile though. But I saw something else. His eyes were wet. Like BARELY wet, but wet. Enough wetness that I could see what looked like a tear wanting to drop out, but wouldn't. I asked him what was wrong. I told him it looked like he had a tear in his eye. He looked at me and all he said was "I had such a great time with you. I'm going to miss you. I take that back, you don't look cute. You look Beautiful" That was really the last thing he said to me.

Time to board the train. I gave him a hug and a kiss and he again, told me to not cry and that we will see each other on his Birthday. I thanked him for a lovely time and walked to the platform. He waited for me to get on the train. I took one step up, then something made me turn around. I will NEVER EVER forget THIS moment. I did so, and Ryan was still standing there in the distance, arm against the wall, watching every move I made. With one hand on the handle to lift myself into the train, I mouthed "I love you" to him. Ryan locked eyes with me and mouthed "I love you too" back. I swear I heard "Don't cry" too. But I wasn't sure. Into the train I went, never to see him again.

From Phil Collins "Can't Stop Loving You"

So you're leaving in the morning on the early train

I could say everything's alright

And I could pretend and say goodbye

Got your ticket

Got your suitcase

Got your leaving smile

I could say that's the way it goes

And I could pretend and you won't know

That I was lying

I saw you walk across the road

For maybe the last time I don't know

Feeling humble

I heard a rumble

On the railway track

And when I hear that whistle blow

I'll walk away and you won't know

That I'll be crying

What I would come to learn in time was that Ryan never rushes. He makes sure you are safe before he leaves you. He does it very subtly. He is quite chivalrous in his own way. He may show a tough exterior and may come across distant to some (maybe, just a presumption) but what's inside of him, is someone that just wants compassion in people and likes to return that. He pays it forward in his own way. Ryan doesn't mince words and he doesn't mince actions. It's one way or the other. Which can be a good or bad thing. I've learned it can be both.

What I thought I knew in Ryan, I really didn't. Because I wouldn't see Ryan again for almost 15 years.

When I got home, I was over the moon. I couldn't wait to talk to him.

But I never heard from him.

I was heartbroken.

No message on my machine to greet me home either.

It took two weeks for him to call me. He said he was overseas. That hurt me because he would call me from any country he was at. I also wasn't happy because I thought he would want to make sure I was home safely. I got into Newark Terminal in the dark, evening hours and decided to take a Taxi home rather than call a Friend. That worried me that he didn't call that night to check on me. It was very unlike Ryan. At the time. Something was not right. I would later learn a pattern he seemed to have with our communication.

Eventually we picked back up and chatted like usual. But, his Birthday was nearing and there was no discussion about getting together. We never did. Time went right by and we slowly lost what once was. He made me a promise that we would be together on that special day of his. But we just drifted apart. We would talk once or twice a week. We would have "date night" where we would watch a movie on the phone together. But he started getting really busy with work and our times on the phone were dwindling. One day, I received a letter in the mail from him. He said that we can remain friends, but his life was getting really overwhelming. I didn't understand. This man was all over me and now he can't find time for me. I think he wanted to be in control of us and how we took this. I think he wasn't attracted to me and I was just not his type after meeting me.

That's sad to think that, but something told me this was his nice way of telling me.

It's now 1999 and we continue to talk. But we were doing our own thing. I started dating again. He still would send me letters and remain close, but not like it was the year before. He just seemed disinterested in me after we met. I think I was moving in on him faster than he wanted, though deep down I think he truly wanted it...just not with me. I wasn't what he wanted after all.

I took it personally, of course. But at the same time, he would tell me he was jealous of my new boyfriend(s) I never understood what he meant. He would make comments like "I really don't like that you are seeing so and so, but I can't stop you" or "I'm jealous."

He didn't want me. He didn't want to be with me, but he didn't want me to be with another man.

It was terribly frustrating.

I didn't know what he wanted from me in that way. He was none to happy the following year when I told him I was spending New Year's with my new Beau. "You're spending New Years with him? Kinda upsets me, feel like it is our time of the year" But yet, he didn't want to be with me obviously. He would call me back after hanging up and say "I can't think about you with another man Ali, why are you going to see him? Ok, fine! If you are happy that's good" I just shook it off because we were going in circles.

I was so confused! Who wouldn't be?! I didn't know what he wanted from me. I wanted to be with him, but he didn't want to be with me, but on the other hand, he, in his own words "wasn't happy" that I was seeing other people but "as long as I was happy, he was happy" Uhm, I want to be with YOU silly I would say. I wanted to do a facepalm in front of him. I would tell him that he already made it clear that he didn't want anything to come of us and yet he kept saying things that would contradict it.

Why cause all this up and down with feelings if you don't want to be with me, I thought? I couldn't hang on. I didn't know what he wanted out of us. He loved me, maybe. He didn't want me to be with him, but he still cared for me and didn't want to know about my new relationships. The frustration went on for awhile. I think he thought by finalizing us and cornering us to Friendship status would be the best thing for us. Or so that was his opinion on the matter. I think he needed to enjoy the fruits of being single, he wasn't 100% into me and it all worked out for him in the end. He's happy now and so fate lead him that happiness.

Our ships eventually sailed. I let it go. I had to. I couldn't figure what he wanted from me, I never would get an answer, even to this day and so I decided to just move on with my new Beau, my life and my future.

The year 2000 comes and our talks lessened even more. Until one day it stopped altogether. I moved on, he moved on. But I thought about him all the time. I still loved him. I don't really know to this day if he loved me like he said he did, or if he just wanted to feel that love again with someone after his prior breakup, and it was easy because I was not in his presence. He could deal with me when he wanted to. Maybe the Phone Sex was just so good that he didn't want that to end but that was the only thing he wanted. I have no idea.

Maybe it was just easy for him. I like to believe that whatever it was we had, was truly just something special.

Though we cannot define our history, and by saying "Friends" solely goes against what we had. Maybe it's possible that because it was all on the phone, it was "make believe" in the end. If that's the case, pinch me cuz Girlfren' here ain't buying that. Stacks of romantic love letters, post cards, hundreds of hours of talk, inclusive of future musings, gifts, a million "I love you's" etc... - I have a bridge to sell you if you buy into that. Bottom line is, he felt something over the plastic piece of junk, but then we met, he deemed me not for him, phone sex can continue, friendship can be had and so it goes. Lines were crossed so-to-speak.

I dated often until I married. I moved around and while these men I dated came in and out of my life, I could not forget Ryan. It was just a kismet that we were brought together. And now I lost him. I didn't know what was going on with Ryan. I later learned we both started dating our future spouses around the same time frame. So it was really only less than a two years after we stopped talking that we fully moved on to do our own thing.

I never spoke with Ryan again until the year 2003. Three year Gap. I still can't believe it.

I had moved 3,000 miles away to Washington State to be with my now Husband. The Internet was in full-swing. Though I had no contact information for Ryan through 2000-2003, I decided to see if I could find him online. I did. Back in the day all the Internet providers had their users make profiles. Including name and location and age and hobbies and such. It didn't take long for me to find Ryan. I looked him up via his first and last name and found him. I wrote him. I don't remember what I said, but I heard back from him. He asked me if I would call him. He gave me his number and at some point that week, I dialed him up. I can't recall at the time, but I must have loved hearing his voice for the first time in years. I imagine he felt the same.