Wanting What You Can't Have

Based on a true story.

*********************

We met at university. We were in a class together and the moment I saw him I was hooked. I spent the first few weeks of my first term daydreaming my way through that class, I couldn't even tell you what the subject was. I'd watch him chatting with the other guys, always smiling and joking. He was absolutely gorgeous -- tall, dark and handsome. The ultimate cliché. One of his friends, Jack, was in a few of my other classes so I made an effort to get to know him. Jack turned out to be an amazing friend; he had just come out of the closet and loved a good gossip. I discovered the name of my dream guy was Paul and convinced Jack to introduce us. By the middle of the first term Jack had me fully integrated into the group of guys; we'd party every weekend, and spend nights hanging out in each others dorms playing Halo and other videogames I sucked at. It was fun but my main aim was to get close to Paul. It turned out we had a lot in common, he had a fantastically dirty sense of humour and could make me giggle and blush easily. The more time I spent with him the more I loved him. Everything about him was perfect.

I soon discovered he was incredibly clever and asked him to tutor me for the course I'd spent a month not paying attention to. Paul loved to show off and was a great teacher so he agreed, and we spent a few weeks having study dates, during which I paid less attention than I had in class. Paul could never understand why I wasn't getting any better.

"It's really not that hard, but you still can't get past the basics!" Paul rested his head in his hands after I'd failed yet another practice test. "You're better at Tekken than you are at math and that is saying something."

I mock gasped in shock before grinning like a Cheshire cat, at first this made him frown at me more, but then he burst out laughing at my idiocy. I hoped this meant I was coming across as cute and ditzy, though I wasn't sure if that was what he would go for. Really I'd always found school stuff easy, but as soon as Paul was in the room my concentration just evaporated, making me seem like a dumb blond.

The following day Jack spent our afternoon lecture avoiding looking at me. It was just the two of us in this class so it was difficult to avoid talking to me afterwards.

"Come on, spill. What is it that's got you acting all weird?" I asked accusingly.

"Well... I thought that with your study dates going so well and all...." Jack was staring intently at the floor as we walked out of the room, "that I'd tell Paul you were into him and see how he felt..."

"WHAT!?" I screamed, stopping in the doorway so I could turn to face him. I was red with anger and embarrassment.

"I was sure he liked you... he's always sitting with you in class..."

I said nothing; I already knew what Paul had said from the way Jack was acting.

"... but he sees you as one of the guys... he said he didn't want to risk ruining your friendship..."

Suddenly someone behind us cleared their throat and I realised we were still in the doorway. I grabbed Jack and dragged him outside, I found a spot on the grass under a tree and we sat down. I buried my face in my knees. I couldn't believe Jack had ruined everything. It would be so awkward with Paul knowing how I felt. More than anything I was hurt knowing he didn't feel the same way. I felt rejected and hurt. Jack spent the next hour apologising over and over again. Eventually I calmed down and told him it was okay, it wasn't his fault. I comforted myself with the thought that at least this way I hadn't made a move and humiliated myself. I could just pretend I didn't know.

That night was our regular Friday night outing as a group. This particular night was a party in one of the dorms. Jack and I met the others there. I was nervous about how Paul would act, hoping we could just pretend he didn't know, and that I didn't know he knew. When we arrived the others were already there and were halfway through their first drinks. Paul made a joke about 'the girls' always being fashionably late, Jack glared jokingly, and from then everything was as it normally was. Everyone continued as though nothing had changed. I was relieved.

However I couldn't help the feeling of rejection creeping in every time I looked at him. It hurt to see his beautiful smile knowing I would never be able to kiss those lips. Before I'd had hope but now the certainty that he didn't see me that way felt awful. So I drank my drinks a lot faster than normal. In my semi-drunken state I decided I fancied dancing, something I usually avoided completely. Some generic rock music was playing and I closed my eyes and let myself go, enjoying the rhythm and trying as hard as I could not to think. When I opened my eyes a guy I vaguely recognised from one of my classes was dancing near me. I accidentally made eye contact and he smiled broadly and moved closer.

"Hi," he said over the music, "I'm Harry."

"Sara," I smiled gesturing to myself.

"I know," he smiled coyly, "we have French together, I've seen you around but never been brave enough to talk to you."

I blushed, incredibly flattered by my admirer. I took in his appearance, he was okay looking. Tall but scrawny, blondish hair in a scruffy cut, he was kind of cute but nothing special. Not like Paul... I stopped myself before I though too much about Paul. I focused on Harry and the confidence his attention gave me.

We danced for a few more songs, and then Harry suggested we grab some beers and head out into the hallway, where we could talk more easily. He took my hand to lead me through the tightly packed dancers who had grown in number without me noticing. In my inebriated state the touch of his flesh on mine, even in this innocent way, filled me with lust. When we got out into the hallway we sat on the floor, Harry close to me, our legs touching.

"So ... are you seeing anyone?" I asked, the beer adding to my confidence.

"No..." Harry smiled sheepishly.

Before I knew what I was doing I was leaning in to kiss him. Harry responded eagerly, and our tongues were soon exploring each other's mouths. After a few minutes I pulled away.

"Do you want to go somewhere... more private?" I couldn't believe how forward I was being. I was filled with a need I'd never really known before. Sure I'd fooled around with guys, had sex with my high school boyfriend after prom, but I'd always been shy and reserved. This time I was all over a guy who was practically a stranger.

I don't remember the walk to his room. The next thing I recall is pressing him up against his door when we were inside, kissing him hungrily. His hands started to explore my body, feeling my breasts and roughly squeezing my ass. I was less interested in feeling him slowly, more interested in getting him naked. I pulled at his shirt, probably breaking off at least one button, and tugged his pants down. His boxers were stretched over his cock as it strained to be set free. My mouth fell open at the size of it, I couldn't have seen more than 3 penises before in my life and none of them had been much over 6 and a half inches.

Harry nervously inspected my face and I realised I'd frozen, staring in shock at the tent in his boxers.

"So... big..." I gasped, eloquence was lost under the influence of the alcohol, but this reassured Harry enough and he pulled me against him for a long, hard kiss. I felt his cock pressing into my stomach and curiosity overwhelmed me. As soon as Harry released me from the kiss I was on my knees pulling his boxers down. As his erection sprang free I gasped again. It wasn't just long it was thick too. I ran my hand down it, feeling the hardness; Harry leant his head back against the door and let out a low moan. This was too much for me and I quickly stood up again, Harry looked at me with sad questioning eyes, but before he could say anything I was tearing my clothes off and dragging him to the bed.

I lay back with my legs spread, waiting eagerly for him. Harry hovered over me, holding his cock so he could guide himself into me. As his head pressed into my pussy I began to question whether he could fit inside me, he pushed more and my pussy stretched around him. I was dripping wet already so he slid in fairly easily. When he was fully inside me we both held still, adjusting to the feeling. I felt stretched to the limit, completely full, his cock touching the deep parts of me no one else had ever reached.

Then without warning he started to thrust in and out of me, I moaned as he pounded me. I thrust my hips up to meet his thrusts, wrapping my legs around his lower back so I could pull myself up onto him. We both came pretty quickly, the alcohol making us both frenzied and uncaring about stamina. We fell asleep side by side, exhausted from the energetic fuck. Despite Harry's amazing size, the sex wasn't anything mind blowing, but I blamed that on the influence of the beer. Besides a quick fuck had been just what I needed to take my mind off Paul.

The next morning I feared would be awkward, but Harry was lovely, he really did like me and asked if we could have a proper date. I agreed and we spent the next few months going out at least three times a week. Harry was absolutely smitten with me, buying me presents and taking me out to romantic places. I enjoyed his company but no matter how hard I tried Paul would not leave my thoughts. Whenever I saw him my heart skipped a beat, something it never around Harry. I felt bad, Harry was a great guy and we got on well, so I spent less time with Paul and the guys, never seeing Paul alone.

After Harry and I had been dating for 6 months, Paul called me and asked if we could meet for lunch. I agreed, unable to resist a chance to see him. I missed him and that only made my feelings for him stronger, though the feeling of joy at seeing Paul was marred by a feeling of guilt.

We went for coffee after the class we shared, Paul seemed genuinely pleased to be spending time with me, and at first we joked and chatted like we always had, as though the previous 6 months hadn't happened. Then Paul suddenly went all serious, his face frowned the most stunning frown I'd ever seen. I wondered if he could have gotten even better looking during our time apart.

"We never see you anymore, not since you got with that Harry guy." Paul said Harry's name in a way which clearly indicated a strong dislike.

"I'm sorry..." I fumbled, unsure of what to say, "I guess I've just been busy."

"I just think you need to remember who your friend's are, this Harry guy isn't right for you and if you aren't careful then when you finally break up with him you'll have no one to be there for you." Paul rushed the words, some of them coming out so fast they ran into each other.

For some reason I felt suddenly defensive, Harry was a great guy, and besides how dare Paul tell me what to do.

"You don't even know Harry! How can you judge him when you know nothing about him? Besides if my friends don't talk to me just because of who I'm seeing then they aren't very god friends are they?" My voice got louder and higher in pitch as I spoke.

"I know enough." Paul glared at his coffee.

"What is that supposed to mean?" I was caught off guard by his cryptic comment.

"I've heard him bragging about the stuff you two get up to..." Paul muttered, he seemed uncomfortable mentioning me and Harry's sex life.

For some reason this accusation enraged me more than anything Paul had said before. I took the obvious fact that Paul was uncomfortable and I used it against him.

"Well that isn't surprising. The sex is pretty incredible, I have to stop myself bragging! The things he can do to me are incredible! I've never had such an amazing lover." I said it with spite, wanting to hurt Paul. I felt so angry at him for rejecting me and then judging the guy who did want me. The guy who really cared about me. The guy who wasn't really the skilled lover I was describing him as...

After the initial drunken fuck, the sex hadn't actually improved. Harry did his best but it was always just... okay. I was surprised that quantity didn't guarantee quality. I always ended up faking it so that Harry would give up and cum. I wasn't sure what was wrong exactly, he was doing everything right; I just couldn't orgasm with Harry.

Paul said nothing to my boastful lies; he just sat there staring at the table. Eventually he looked up with a forced smile and said,

"Never mind, I was probably mistaken in what I overheard anyway. Besides that wasn't what I really wanted to say to you today."

I looked at him curiously waiting; his smile became slightly less forced as he reached across the table to touch my hand. I was instantly wet. I couldn't help how my body reacted to him, but my mind felt the shameful guilt again. I felt like I was betraying Harry.

"Can we please be friends again? I really miss hanging out with you. Plus I need someone to be worse than me at Halo!" He grinned as he added the last cheeky comment.

I couldn't help but smile back. I agreed without meaning to, promising to spend more time with Paul and the others.

Soon things were sort of back to how they'd been before; I'd spend at least one night a week hanging out with either just Paul or all of the guys, only now I also spent three nights with Harry. Harry seemed ok with this as he still got most of my time, and this arrangement continued for a long time.

It was around the time when Harry and I had been dating a year that things began to change. Harry became more demanding, always wanting to monopolise my time. He'd visited me during the summer, and called me almost everyday, which had seemed sweet at the time. Looking back it was the start of Harry's possessive streak. It wasn't just that though, there were other problems. He started demanding sex every day, and if I didn't feel like it he'd emotionally blackmail me until I caved in. I was unhappy, and I felt like he'd changed from the sweet guy I'd first known. He often put me down, complaining about my sexual efforts or my appearance to make me feel insecure.

I never contemplated breaking up with him, his insults kept me feeling low in self confidence, convincing me Harry was my best option. Whenever we fought he made me think it was my fault and so I never blamed him. I became submissive, always giving into his demands without question.

Except for one thing. Paul. I could not give him up. I stopped seeing him with the group as Harry insisted, but still saw him one on one. He was like a drug I couldn't just cut him out of my life; I was addicted to his presence. Especially once Harry started to destroy my self confidence, I leaned on Paul more than ever. To Paul's credit after that first conversation he never put Harry down, in fact he never mentioned him. It became an unwritten rule of our friendship that Harry's name was never mentioned.

I was still in love with Paul, the feelings had not diminished over time, but stayed as strong as ever. I had, however, gotten better at hiding it. Though there were still some moments when I couldn't help but get incredibly wet, for example anytime we touched. At some point we'd started to get a little more touchy-feely. He'd often hug me, and if we were watching a DVD or something on his bed he'd lay behind me spooning me. I knew at some point we'd crossed a line, but it had happened so gradually it was hard to think of when we hadn't been so close - I avoided the word 'intimate' in my head.

The pivotal moment came when we were watching a corny old movie on TV one night. We got into a discussion about how the hero of the film had kissed his love interest at the end. It was a proper Hollywood kiss, tipping her backwards so he was the only thing keeping her up. I said it was stupid and not at all romantic, just a cliché. Paul disagreed; he was a soppy romantic at heart and thought it was an amazingly romantic way to kiss. To prove his point he dragged me to my feet and whirled me round, tipping me backwards and leaning over me.

My heart stopped. I couldn't breath. His face came close to mine. Our noses touched.

And then I hit the floor.

Paul laughed teasingly as he helped me up. I scowled. I felt embarrassed that he'd toyed with me and angry that I'd been so willing to forget my boyfriend when I'd thought he was going to kiss me. I left early in a huff and didn't reply to his texts for a few days.

About a week later I was with Harry in my room, we were both reading silently, studying like good students, when I got a text. It was from Jack.

"Call me NOW big news! ;D" It said.

I dialled quickly, wondering what gossip was so juicy it earned a grinning winking face from Jack. I didn't get a chance to speak when he answered.

"He likes you. He texted me, said he doesn't know what to do because he likes you but he shouldn't!" Jack waited silently for my reply.

"He?" I asked knowing full well who he meant.

"PAUL!" Jack squealed excitedly.

"Oh my god...I have to go!" I said suddenly, hanging up on Jack before he could reply.

I didn't want to be but I was happier than I'd been in a very long time. I couldn't keep the smile from my face. Harry looked up at me quizzically.

"Jack's met a guy. Amazing gossip. I have to go see him." I blurted out the lie as fast as I could think of it.

Harry sighed disapprovingly, but he didn't seem to suspect anything.

"Fine, I suppose if you must." He started packing his things into his bag.

I couldn't get Harry out quick enough. As soon as he was gone I grabbed my bag and sprinted towards Paul's dorm. I knocked on the door, breathless from running. He opened the door and smiled. If I'd had any breath left that smile would have taken it away.

"I knew Jack would tell you, but I didn't know he'd do it that fast!" The smile reached all the way to his gorgeous chocolate eyes.

I wasn't letting myself think about how wrong it was of me to be there at his door, I was just focusing on him.

"You wanted me to know?" I questioned, trying to understand why he'd tell Jack if he knew Jack wouldn't keep the secret.

"Yes." The smile disappeared as he moved closer to me. When our lips met I suddenly felt everything I'd been missing with Harry. His lips were soft but firm as he kissed me, it send an electric shock down my spine. I felt wetter than I'd ever been. His hands wrapped around my waist and pulled me into his room, his lips never leaving mine as he closed the door. His tongue brushed my lips and I couldn't help but moan. He took the opportunity to explore deeper into my mouth. I kissed him back with a passion I didn't know I could feel. I felt dizzy with elation. His hands caressed my ass, squeezing it as he kissed me. I was in heaven.

We took our time in slowly undressing each other. The sight of his naked torso was almost too much for me, I felt my knees buckle and Paul caught me. He tipped me backwards into the Hollywood kiss pose, only this time he didn't drop me. He kissed me softly, a kiss filled with love rather than lust as our previous kisses had been. He held me there for a few minutes his eyes closed, and then he looked deep into my eyes.

"I wanted to do that before, but I panicked at the last minute. I thought about how you have a-"

"Don't!" I cut him off, "don't say anything to ruin this moment. I've waited too long."

After that we finished undressing each other without a word. The moment was intense, filled with equal measure of wanton desire and love. When we were both naked, Paul stood back and looked at me, I was suddenly hit by a feeling of self-consciousness, worrying he wouldn't like what he saw, but he smiled.

"Even better than I imagined!" He breathed.

He picked me up and carried me to the bed, laying me down softly. He kissed me all over, starting with my neck, moving down to my breasts. He stayed at my breasts for a while, licking and sucking my nipples until they were almost painfully hard. When he was satisfied with his work he slowly moved his kisses down my stomach. He reached my neatly shaved pussy and diverted off to kiss my thighs, leaving me moaning with frustration as he bypassed my soaking cunt. However he didn't leave me wanting for long, as he kissed my thighs his hand crept up and pushed my legs apart. He rubbed his fingers up and down my slit, gathering the moisture that had collected there. He then moved up to my clit, rubbing it and flicking it. My back arched as I moaned.