What Goes Around... Ch. 01

I parked the car in the driveway and we both made our way into the house. Tina walked into the living room and sat down on the sofa, not bothering to turn a light on. I flipped a switch and the soft light of a lamp filled the room.

I glanced at Tina and saw her just sitting there, her eyes fixed on her hands in her lap. I sat down and just looked at her.

"Why? Just..... tell me why?" I asked, my voice tight. Tina knew exactly what I was talking about. It was now all in the open. I could tell by her demeanor that she was resigned to this conversation. Her color was poor, her face ashen. She finally looked up at me and sighed.

"I don't know, Max........no, I do know. I won't lie you or to myself." Tina paused and continued. "I was angry at you, I got drunk and stoned. The liquor was there, the grass was there. I was stupid. I'm sorry. She smiled crookedly, almost a grimace. "Being sorry isn't going to get me a 'get out of jail free card', is it, Max?" I could see the unshed tears in her eyes.

I just sat there, silent, almost paralyzed. My mind was a blank, I couldn't really think, I couldn't get my head around her betrayal. I felt numb, I couldn't put my thoughts together.

Tina nodded just a bit and continued. "I'll sleep in the guest room tonight. I'll move out tomorrow while you're at work." The tears were now flowing. She rose and walked from the room.

I continued to sit. I didn't know what to say or what to do, so I did........... nothing. It was as if an iron curtain (borrowing a famous phrase) had descended over my emotions, over my heart. No.... not quite. It had not descended, I had pulled it down.

********************

I returned home from work the following day at my usual time, and the house was cold and empty. Tina had packed up her clothes and things and, true to her word, was gone. She left me a letter:

Dear Max

I'm sorry. I know that doesn't even begin to cover the hurt I've caused you, but I really don't know what else to say. I was foolish and behaved like a ignorant school girl and I destroyed our marriage, a marriage that I should have valued above anything and anyone. I have also, over the past few weeks, begun to recognize how immature and selfish I've been. My loyalties were totally misplaced - my first priority should have been you and our relationship. It seems that that realization has come a bit too late. Max, I love you and always will. I truly hope that you can find happiness with someone more worthy.

Tina

********************

The days passed. I went to work and returned home to an empty house. I ate out; quick, rushed meals, meals without taste. I had no appetite, I ate so that I wouldn't starve to death. I didn't give my broken marriage any real thought, I just couldn't.

Whenever I tried to reason things through, tried to analyze what went wrong, ask myself what I should do - I drew a blank. I had always considered myself to be a reasonable, logical guy, but my brain turned to mush when I tried to think about Tina and what had happened. So I did nothing. To paraphrase Edmund Burke: all that is necessary for sorrow to triumph is for good men to do nothing.

I stirred a bit from my lethargy about a month later. I had had no contact with Tina and I had heard nothing from her. Then again, I had made no attempt to contact her either. It was late in the morning, on a rainy Saturday. The doorbell rang. A short, slight man asked if I was Max Canney. I nodded and he handed me a folded document and told me that I was served. I didn't have to examine it - I knew what is was. Tina was requesting a divorce.

I sat down suddenly, feeling my legs weaken. I knew that this was the obvious outcome of my inactivity and yet I was still shocked, shaken. For the first time since that evening when I discovered Tina's betrayal, I had a "conversation" with myself. I was finally able to express what I had, deep down, known for some time.

"Hey, schmuck. Do you love her?"

I didn't have to think very long. "Yeah," I answered. "I do." I couldn't lie to myself.

"Can you forgive her?"

I had to stop and think. I really had to reach down into my gut. "Maybe, probably, after some time, I could," I answered......"BUT," I screamed silently......."I can't forget, I can never forget and that's the rub. I can't forget her betrayal and I can never again trust her to be faithful to me, and that's why it's over."

I had finally come to the realization that my marriage was, in all respects, over. But deep down, I didn't at that time realize that part of me had died .

I had finally put a period to that part of my life, but there was first something that I had to do - a payment that had to be make.

********************

It was still raining that evening as I waited in my car outside the club. I sat there, unmoving for what seemed like hours, but was probably just over an hour. It was late, but I had no place that I had to be that night - just something that I really had to do. I knew that it was dangerous, that I could wind up in a mess of trouble, but that didn't deter me. Payment had to be exacted. I had arrived late, knowing that he wouldn't stagger out until well after midnight. I just hoped that he would exit the place alone.

Johnny Mills suddenly appeared in the doorway. He didn't seem tipsy, he was grinning for with him was a very attractive blond. I looked him over carefully. About 6 foot, slim and seemed to be in shape. No matter, he would pay. I got ready to follow them, when the blond said something to him and scooted back into the building. He shrugged and lit a cigarette. I suddenly appeared before him. I was wearing a dark baseball cap, mirrored glasses and the collar of my jacket was turned up.

"Hi, Johnny. Looks like you're gonna score again," I laughed.

He looked at me, puzzled, then smirked. "Yeah, no sweat." He paused and asked, "do I know you?"

I wanted to reply, "Yeah, and I know you. I know you had always been sniffing around Tina and she and I used to laugh about it. I just didn't know to what ends you would go to get her. Now, you prick, you're gonna pay," but I held my tongue.

"Sure, Johnny," I replied and hit him with a stiff jab in the solar plexus. I had leather gloves on and a roll of quarters in my fist. He went down like a bag of cement and I pulled the night stick from the back of my slacks. He was lying there, gasping for breath and I bent over and whispered, "Not a good idea to fuck with married women, Johnny."

I messed him up pretty bad: knees, ribs, and I may have done some damage to his gonads, at least I hope so. The whole thing took less than 5 minutes and I was gone. Did I feel better, I asked myself? "Yeah, yeah, I did - I did feel better, a lot better."

********************

I spent the next day in the office, cleaning up odds and ends that I had put off. I had stopped at Subways and picked up a half-sub and was eating my lunch at my desk when Sam Able wandered in. Sam was a bit older than I and as I had mentioned, had taken me under his wing when I first started in this job.

He was divorced and he used to kid me about how good my marriage was. He used to tell me I was lucky that I had met Tina first and then laugh. I liked Sam and we would stop occasionally for a drink after work. He would meet Tina and me during the weekend sometimes and party with us. In fact, he dated Jackie for a time, a situation which never ceased to amaze me. I thought he was more perceptive. He never seemed to agree with my opinion of her.

He plopped into a chair at the side of my desk and plucked a pickle from my sandwich wrapper. "I still can't believe that you're getting divorced," he began without preamble. "You guys were perfect."

I grunted and looked at him. "Enough, Sam. You're like a dog worrying a bone. We've been through this again and again. Leave it alone."

He picked up my coffee and took a swallow, then crossed his long legs. "Max, you're a stubborn sonofabitch. Someday you're gonna be sorry." Then he abruptly shifted gears and started talking about a new account he was cultivating.

Tina had requested nothing in the divorce. The reasons cited were that old standby, irreconcilable differences. I didn't contest it and after some time it became final. I was single again.

Time passed; the days blended into weeks and life became routine again. Was I over Tina? Yes, I guess so........ "Bullshit, Max," the little voice in my head retorted. "You know that's bullshit."

Yeah, yeah, I admitted. I guess that's going to take some time. Losing someone you truly love is not too unlike losing a limb. Eventually the wound heals, but you always know that something important is missing. So it was just a matter of time, but I would get over it eventually. I would, I would get over her eventually.

One morning Mike Cooper, the Sales Manager, called me into his office. I had formed a quasi-friendship with him that was above and beyond the normal office/sales relationship. Mike was in his 60s, gruff, but with a soft heart. He was a perfect match for his wife Gail who mothered everyone.

"Okay, Max. Sit and let me say my piece," he started.

I sat. Shit, I thought I knew what was coming.

"Look, Max. You look like shit and your numbers are slipping, I'm afraid that eventually your work is going to suffer. The divorce is behind you. It's time to put it aside, get your life on track again," Mike said, concern evident in his voice. "No, no, don't get pissed," he stated quickly as I started to shift in my chair.

"Mike, what the fuck do you want. You know my numbers will improve. What more do you want?" I demanded, half angry.

Mike looked at me sadly. "You think that I asked you in here because of your work? I thought that we were friends, Max. I gotta tell you, I'm worried. I want to see you smile again, laugh again. You've changed; it's like you have a core of ice inside of you. All of the people who care about you have seen that. I just want to see you get your head above water, so to speak. Can't you understand that, Max?"

I sat there quietly for a moment. "I'm sorry, Mike. You didn't deserve that.

I know you're right. It's just going to take me some time. It still hurts, Mike. You're lucky, you've got a gem in Gail. I should have married someone like her - level headed, sensible........."

"Yeah, and gorgeous, don't forget gorgeous," Mike laughed. "She told me to ask you to come out for dinner, Max. You gonna tell her no?"

"Thanks, Mike. Sure, I'll come. If nothing else, I'll get a delicious meal out of it, even though I have to let Gail fuss over me for a bit," I chuckled.

********************

So I let Gail fix me up with a couple of single daughters of women she knew. So I started to date again, just because I felt it was something I should do. I couldn't just work and vegetate at home. I knew that I needed to get out socially, meet other people, try to establish some kind of social life.

So I also dated a couple of girls from work and even a few from my outside contacts. Yeah, I got laid a few times and I enjoyed it, but you know what I'm going to say now, don't you. It wasn't the same. I guess it's an old cliche, but sex is a lot better with someone you truly love.

So the weeks turned into months and I suddenly realized that it was almost a year since my divorce. In all that time Tina had never contacted me and I had not made any attempt to contact her or find out what was happening to her. I couldn't afford to do that. I needed the separation for the hurt to heal, for me to get over her.

So, after a year, was I succeeding? Had my passion for her subsided? Had my love for her lessened? Hmmm, yeah, I thought so; I don't dream of her nearly as often, and she doesn't come into my thoughts nearly as much. Slowly but surely, my love for her and the hurt she created were fading, at least that's what I kept telling myself, telling myself. And so life passed.

********************

Every day, after work and before heading home, I would stop at a local watering hole for a short scotch. It relaxed me and let me wind down after a hectic day. I had gotten to know Cecil (so help me, that's his name) the bartender as well as a couple of the regulars. We would bullshit about sports and the horrible state of affairs in D.C.

I remember it was a rainy Friday and I was looking forward to a scotch on the rocks and some relaxing conversation when I entered my sanctuary. Cecil saw me and poured a drink which he set in front of me as I reached the bar.

"Where's everyone, Cec?" I asked.

He shrugged and commented on the weather as he turned to fill another order. I took my drink and sat in a booth. I sipped the drink and felt the tension slowly seep from my shoulders. I took another sip of my scotch and then almost coughed it up. There, before me, stood Jackie. Yeah, Jackie of Bonnie and Jackie. Jackie, the lesser bitch.

I swear, a red haze seemed to cloud my vision. I couldn't believe that this piece of shit would have to balls to confront me. What did she want now? to poison my drink, perhaps? - to finish the job?

"Please, Max. Don't explode. Please, just let me talk to you for a few minutes. I know that you have every right to hate me, but just give me a few minutes. I'm begging you, Max." I saw the tears in her eyes and my rage just dissipated, leaving me limp and empty.

"What the fuck do you want, Jackie. Haven't you done enough?" I muttered as she slipped in the booth opposite me.

"Just listen to me, Max, that's all I'm asking," she said as she slipped into the booth opposite me.

"How the hell did you find me. Have you taken to stalking me now?" I asked wearily. I just wanted her to go away.

"No, Max. I was driving home from work and I saw you. I pulled in but I sat in the parking lot for awhile, trying to get my nerve up to go in and talk to you. Please, Max. It's important that you listen to me. I've been carrying this guilt for a long time," Jackie pleaded.

I just didn't have the energy to fight with her. Fuck it, let her say her piece and then maybe she would leave. I took a look at her more objectively this time. Despite myself, I had to admit she looked good. Her hair no longer had that dyed look. It was a subdued auburn, a bit longer, down to her shoulders now. Her dark blue eyes were wide, she was obviously nervous. Her breasts were straining her blouse which gaped a bit. Shit, she looked good - well, nowhere is it written that bitches had to be ugly.

I shrugged my shoulders. "Go ahead, Jackie. It doesn't look like I can stop you anyway."

She seemed to be a bit taken aback, not quite believing that I had given in that easily. She didn't realize that I just wanted her to say what she wanted and then disappear, so it was easier to let her rant.

Jackie sat for a moment, hesitated, then lowered her head. I was shocked to see tears start to flow down her cheeks. "Max, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. I wasn't a good friend, I should have stopped it. I could have stopped it. I shouldn't have let Tina get drunk or stoned .

"I'm sure he put something in her drink. I know Tina, she never loses it like that. I should have been paying more attention. He was laughing about it the next morning. I'm sure that he drugged her, Max, and I didn't do a thing to protect her. I'm sorry, Max....I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.........."

She was sobbing now, her hands over her face. I sat there, stunned. Shit, this was all new to me. Tina drugged? Should I believe her........I brushed that thought aside - there was little doubt that she was telling the truth, she's not that good of an actress

I didn't say anything for awhile. I waited for Jackie to settle down which she did in a few moments. I wasn't about to console her - she was right, she should have been a better friend. Doesn't matter now, we're divorced and Johnny Mills' account is paid in full.

I got up and got her a drink which is managed to sip. She sat, her head leaning against the back of the booth, trying to catch her breath. She finally sat up and took a deep breath.

"You okay now?" I asked calmly.

She nodded. "I'm sorry, Max. I'm sorry that I lost control like that." Her smile was strained. She looked at me and remarked, "I seem to be saying 'I'm sorry' quite a bit lately."

I just looked at her. "Why now, Jackie? Why did you wait a year to tell me all of this? How come you didn't confront me earlier?"

I could see her hesitate. "I was fooling myself, Max. I kept thinking that you would get back together with Tina. I know, that was stupid, but I was also afraid. You know that we haven't been friends and I guess I was afraid to face you. I couldn't stand it anymore, I just had to tell you."

"Okay, Jackie. I'm glad that you told me, but it really doesn't change things you know. Tina is a big girl, it was her decision. She chose to go out that night instead of staying home with me. Going out with you guys was more important." I heard myself saying the words, stunned by how easy they came, and horrified at how callous they must have sounded.

I was now just shooting my mouth off, but did I believe what I was saying? Tina spelled it out in her farewell letter, she just didn't have her priorities straight. Okay, she was drugged, but if she had stayed home, none of this would have happened. By leaving me and going out with her friends, she put herself in a position where something like this was possible.

Tina is an adult and should be held accountable for her actions...... and deep down, even though I didn't recognize it then, I knew that I was being a vindictive fool. I sounded like a cold hearted bastard, but I didn't want to go through the emotional agony of the breakup again. I really just wanted to put all of it behind me, I didn't want to revisit the mess.

"But, Max. You've got to see, it wasn't really her fault. All she intended to do was have a few drinks and laughs and that's it. We, Bonnie and I, let it get out of hand. It wasn't Tina's fault, Max, it wasn't, it wasn't." Jackie's voice had risen a few decibels and I put my hands up in self defense.

"Okay, okay, Jackie. I hear you, calm down. Listen to me..... just listen. I know what you're saying, but it really doesn't change things. It wasn't just that she got laid, although that betrayal was agony was enough. You say it wasn't her fault....but wasn't it? If she hadn't gone out that night, if she had stayed home where I wanted her, if she hadn't thought that going out with you guys was more important........ You see what I'm getting at?"

I wouldn't come from behind that iron curtain. Was it fear of being hurt again? Who knows.

Jackie sat up, her spine rigid. Her eyes had turned icy behind the tears. She didn't say anything for a moment, just sat and looked at me incredulously. "Don't you understand, Max? She didn't betray you, she just wanted a few drinks and some laughs. She had no intention of cheating on you. He took advantage of her, and what's with this shit of her staying home? Isn't she allowed to go out? Did you consider yourself her master or something. Why are you being such a cold hearted bastard? You were her husband, you should have helped her, not condemned her, and now after I tell you that she was drugged, you just sit there and shrug? tell me that it's HER fault?

I have to admit, I felt extremely uncomfortable. I felt a crack beginning in my iron curtain and I became frightened. I set out to fix that crack. "Look, Jackie. I do appreciate what you're doing, but I'm over Tina. We've gone our separate ways. Our marriage has been over for months now. It's over, Jackie...... it's just over."

Jackie sat there for another moment, staring at me. She then stood and almost ran from the place, leaving her purse lying on the table. I sat, startled for a moment by her sudden departure. I then scooped up her bag and started after her but reached the door in time to see her Mustang peel rubber out of the parking lot. I stood there and felt.......... annoyance?, apprehension? - a vague feeling that my life was going to again become very complicated.