When We Were Married Ch. 05D

We sat uncharacteristically silent. Normally the conversation flowed easily, as we talked about anything and everything, except those forbidden areas we knew to avoid. But now the silence lay like a heavy shroud over us.

We ate, Aline interspesing bites of chicken with sips of red wine, myself sipping at coffee because I knew Knight had meant what he said.

I knew he'd have cops shadowing me, regardless of what they were supposed to be doing officially. And if I was spotted drinking anything alcoholic and I didn't walk and drive an exact, geometrically straight line he'd have me pulled over.

I didn't think he'd frame me, because he wasn't that kind of guy and he knew that even if Edwards was unhappy with me, framing a prosecutor would start a cold war that would blow up in everybody's face. But if I gave him the opportunity to take me out, he'd run with it.

"It's nothing like the Eifel Tower," I said, gesturing to the view of Jacksonville from 130 feet up. "But I hope you remember it."

It was the closest I could come to saying that she would remember it because she wouldn't be here.

I hadn't checked her luggage, hadn't checked her out at all, but she had to have an airline ticket for the flight home to Paris. We hadn't talked about what we'd do on Tuesday, how she'd get to the airport. Or even that she would be going to the airport.

Maybe we should have, but if we did, it would become real. And I wanted to keep these last few moments between us free from the curse of reality.

When we finished our meals and paid, she said, "Could we drive to St. Augustine tonight. Is it too late. I'd like to walk the beach one last time."

"No, it's not too late."

We went by the condo and picked up blankets and I headed out I-95 and took the third St. Augustine exit which would take us directly to the beach and bypass most of the city. We drove to Matanzas and I parked in the little pull off area. There were two other cars, but the occupants were too busy with each other to notice us.

We crossed the highway and walked down to the water, blankets over my shoulders. We stood hand in hand watching the breakers slowly roll ashore under the light of a half moon. It seemed to float on the water, but I thought Aline was looking much further, toward home.

We walked into the dunes and she was out of her clothes in an instant and had me down on the blankets, stripping me. When we were down, she attacked me. Sucking, stroking, pulling, flipping around to lower her steamy pussy dripping into into my mouth while sucking and nibbling on my dick and balls.

I didn't think I was that much in the mood but in two minutes I was holding her ass with both hands and trying not to drown as I bucked up and came and came into her mouth. Before I could catch my breath she had flipped around and was licking my face clean of her juices,

Then she slid down me to suck me and get me hard again and rising above me, she slammed down on my cock so hard that it hurt and I imagine she hurt too, but she just pounded it again and again until I couldn't hold back and came again inside her.

We lay there, both of us gasping as an ocean breeze rustled the cattails around us. I didn't have to look at her, didn't have to be a mind reader, to know that this had been a goodbye fuck.

She raised her head to look at me and said, "Can we walk on the beach one more time, Bill. And then I need to get back to the condo and get some sleep."

She didn't add, "so I'll be ready to leave early in the morning," but I heard the words.

We walked on the beach and we went back to the condo and we both showered and got ready for the next day and she lay down next to me but not wrapping herself around me as she had. She moved close enough to me to touch but turned her back to me and after she thought I'd gone to sleep she began to cry.

There is something ineffably, unutterably, sad about a woman trying to cry softly in the darkness next to you. When you can't reach out to comfort her.

I made myself sleep. I might have dreamt it, but I think she kissed me on the lips.

And when my alarm went off at 6 a.m., I was alone in my bed. I lay there for what seemed a long time. There was still a slight warmth on the bed sheets where she should have been. I ran my hand over the empty space.

Finally I knew I had to get up because I had a job and a life to go back to. I rolled out of bed and padded to the closet and grabbed clothes. I dressed, made my way to the bathroom and pissed, brushed my teeth and made myself presentable. Then I went to the kitchen and would have hit the coffee maker 'on' switch, but somebody already had.

I poured myself a cup, poured in some diet French Vanilla creamer and walked over to the kitchen/dining room table.

As I'd known there would be, there was a piece of cream colored parchment sitting in the center of the table. Aline's precise, tight letters covered it. I took a sip of coffee so hot it burned the roof of my mouth which gave me an excuse to have my eyes water, and picked up the paper.

"Dearest Bill,

"You know by now that I am on my way to the airport. And you know that I am a coward. But I could not say goodbye to you because I did not know if I could walk away from you if I were looking into your eyes. And I have to go back.

"No matter what Philippe has done with other women, he has not violated the rules of our marriage. I have. I have to face him, to see if we still have a marriage. I will not know until I stand in front of him.

" But more than that, I have to go back for Andre. I told you that I love you and I do. But if I leave Philippe for you, I will be leaving Andre as well. I know that I will never be able to take him away from Philippe. And I cannot leave Andre. He is only a little boy and he would never understand why his mother abandoned him.

"It is time to leave, Bill. My heart feels like it is tearing in two. I expect that you will hate me. But, I had to come to you, and I have to leave you. Please forgive me,

Aline."

I read it a dozen times, but the words never changed. I held my left hand up and watched the light dance on the white gold and silver of her Fleur-de-Lis ring and realized I'd never be able to take it off.

I prepared my briefcase with the documents I'd need for the coming day and before I walked out the door I took a quick look around. It was back to simply being a condo again. I closed my eyes for a moment and thought I could almost catch a hint of her fragrance.

I had lied to her and myself all along. Two weeks is not forever. It can't be. It's just two weeks.

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TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 13, 2005 - 11 a.m.

I made my up the elevator and managed not to speak to a single living soul or look into another set of eyes. A few times ASAs or courthouse staff of one type of another were heading my way and for some reason I couldn't figure out, they suddenly found they had pressing business somewhere else and veered off in different directions or suddenly turned and started walking the other way.

After I'd left the condo I'd almost found myself driving toward the airport, but I managed to stop myself. There was nothing I could say that would change her mind. Nothing I could make myself say. I checked and found out her flight was leaving at 11 a,.m., if it departed on schedule.

I had hours to kill so I went by the gym and worked myself into exhaustion for an hour and a half, then showered again and headed to the office.

As I got off on the fifth floor I noticed the giant figure of Johnny August deep in conversation with a man I didn't recognize. He glanced up at me and I knew I could only be a moving shadow and yet...he dropped his eyes and turned so he had his back to me. Was it obvious that even a blind man could see it?

I just nodded in Cheryl's direction, said, "No calls -- from anyone -- for the next ten minutes" - and entered my office. I turned and locked the damned door. Let the rumors begin. I'd unlock it before they called in security, but right now I didn't want to see anyone.

I laid my briefcase on my desk, took the phone off the hook, and walked over to the plate glass window. I pulled the curtains back and looked up into the sky. Somewhere over there, Aline's plane was ascending into the clouds, if hadn't already left Florida's skies on its way to New York and a change over for the New York to Paris leg of her journey.

I visualized her in her seat. Had she asked for a window seat so she could see Jacksonville, and me, fall away beneath her and finally vanish into the white haze of the clouds. Was she having a drink now? Or preparing a story for Philippe on what she'd been up to the last two weeks?

Was she wearing the Fleur-de-Lis proudly as she'd said she always would, or had she packed it away the way she'd put me and our time together away in her memory book?

Was she crying? Did I merit a tear or two? Or was she dry-eyed, coming out of the romantic dream we had shared and returning to the mundane world of work and husband and son and obligations and shared marital memories?

I wondered if she would ever think of me when Philippe had his big cock buried deep inside her. Would she ever slip and call my name in a moment of passion, or in a few months with no photographs of our time together would she have difficulty seeing my face in her mind?

I had thought there were no more left in me, but I felt tears trickling down my cheeks. It was so silly. I was a grown man. I'd had a two week romantic and sexual idyll with a beautiful woman, but it had never been anything real or substantive. It was just a passing episode in both our lives.

And then I told myself, "You are such a miserable liar. At least be honest with yourself. You are, were, will be, in love with that woman. The same way you are still at least a little bit in love with your cheating whore of an ex-wife.

"Not in love with HER, the one that kissed Doug outside her home and shaved her fucking pussy to excite Doug....not that Debbie.

"The Debbie that you held in the night so many nights...the Debbie that cried inconsolably the night her crazy aunt Clarice committed suicide...the Debbie who made you smile just by looking at her after a hard day at the office....the Debbie whose body and mouth and smile made the miserable fucking world that you live in bearable so many days over the years.

"Lew, Mom, everyone on the outside only see the cheating bitch....they didn't live with her when she loved me. They can't see that Debbie...they only see the ghost that lives in her body now....and I can't make myself throw dirt on her grave the way we buried Clarice and accept the fact that MY Debbie is dead and gone forever...."

I realized I had locked the door because if anyone had walked in and heard me talking to myself, they really would have sent me to a hospital for observation.

But, I didn't want to get taken away for observation. As the cop had observed months ago, the job is the only life I have now. Or if not the only life, it's the important one. I couldn't jeopardize it by giving anybody the idea I was having another breakdown.

I'll keep my job for a little while longer, a few days at least. And after that...all bets would be off.

I unlocked my door but left my phone off the hook. It might buy me another few minutes of solitude. And then I walked back to the view of Jacksonville's northern approach.

I put my face in my hands and tried to think. I am a smart man. I handle problems every day. I have made a life for myself. What do I do now?

But nothing will change the fact that I love..loved one woman who stopped loving me and I love another woman who never started loving me...enough...because she's still in love with her husband

I am so fucked.

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TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 13, 2005 - 11:10 a.m.

She looked at Cheryl.

"His phone's off the hook. I don't think he wants to talk to anybody."

"I know you don't have to let me, Cheryl, but I thought we were friends. One friend to the other...you saw him....let me go in and talk to him.

"I don't know that you're what he needs right now."

"I'm exactly what he needs. And no matter what anybody says, I don't want to hurt him any more."

Cheryl finally nodded.

She opened the door. He was standing at the plate glass picture window looking out into the morning sky. She knew what he was looking for.

He didn't turn around.

"Why did I know you'd turn up this morning?"

"Because we were married for nearly 20 years and you get to know someone in 20 years."

"Not really. I thought I knew you but I obviously didn't."

"But you knew I'd be here."

"Only because bad things happen in threes. I knew you had to be in there somewhere. God only knows what the last thing will be. Maybe I'll have a heart attack."

"You're too healthy for a heart attack...and only the good die young. You're not THAT good...despite your press releases."

"If that's true, Deb, you should live forever."

He still hadn't faced her and she walked toward him until he was directly in front of her. She wrapped her arms around him and pressed her breasts into his back. He was thinner, harder than she ever remembered him being. She hadn't touched him in more than six months.

He stiffened but didn't throw her off.

"I know that I am really bad off when I can't work up the energy to throw your cheating ass out of my office."

She leaned forward and pressed her face against the back of his head.

"I'm sorry."

"Why? What have you done this time?"

"I hired a private investigator. I know she was living with you. I know what you're been doing together. I know she's married and has a son in Paris. I know she left your condo early this morning -- without you. You didn't take her to the airport.

"She's going back to them, isn't she?"

"Why do you care? Why go to that much trouble? We're not married anymore."

She put her head on his shoulder and tried not to rub her breasts back and forth across his back. It was almost automatic when they had been married.

"I know you, Bill. I know you're probably banging some of the women around here. I know you must have had that female cop, and I've heard rumors about others. But I know they're not serious.

"I saw the way you looked at her the night we all barged in on you two...The only woman you've ever looked at that way...was me. That's why, part of why, I got so crazy that night.

"I know we're not married. I know I have no right to be jealous. I'm like the dog that doesn't want another dog to have a bone, even though I don't want it any more....But, it hurt."

"Why the hell would it hurt? You told me you didn't love me anymore. We're divorced, for God's sake."

"I know it's not logical...reasonable. But I haven't been logical or reasonable...about a lot of things lately. I'm seeing...somebody....because I have kind of....gone off the tracks lately. I'm starting to get some things straight.

"I only know that it -- seeing her that night and seeing you look at her that way...that it hurt me. I wanted to find out everything I could about her...and that damned Fleur-de-Lis.

"You know you NEVER bought me anything like that in all the years we were married..."

"You can't be serious. You screw around on me with a younger man, with a bigger dick. Even if you didn't fuck him, I know you were cheating emotionally. You threw me out of my own house. You fucked him in my bed. You threw me out of your life...and you're upset because I bought some expensive jewelry for a new woman in my life."

She held him a little tighter and he didn't move to throw her off.

"I know it doesn't make any sense. You said I was crazy. I'm thinking I was. At least for awhile. But one thing I know, you were serious about Aline. Or the skinny French bitch, as I prefer to call her.

"And so when she left alone, and you came in here and you looked like you'd lost your best friend or your dog died, I knew what happened.

"She went back to him, didn't she?"

"Yes, she went back to him."

"Is she coming back? Do you think she'll leave him?"

He reached out with his fingers and touched the glass.

She saw the unfamiliar ring on his left hand, then the wedding ring on his right. The Fleur-de-Lis was the mark that bitch Aline had left on a man that used to belong to her. Even if she wasn't here to rub her nose in it in person, Aline would still be doing it in spirit.

"I hope to God not. She could lose her son. She could lose a man she still might love. I don't want to be Doug...even though I've been acting like him ever since I met her."

"Doug didn't break us up. I was going to leave you, Bill, if I'd never met him."

"Thanks. That makes me feel better."

"I shouldn't tell you this. The person...I'm seeing...said I shouldn't. But I have to. I told you I didn't cheat on you before Doug. And I didn't...go to bed with anyone or suck them off. But...I.....teased a lot of guys....and..."

She felt him stiffen and wondered why she was doing this. Was that stubborn anger driving her to kick him when he was down, do the most damage she possibly could. It didn't feel like it inside her. She didn't know, but maybe she was just tired of lying to him.

"What? Shit. I'm in the Valley of Despair, so why not drop some more shit on me?"

"I...jerked a couple of guys off at parties. I...masturbated them through their pants. I never held their naked dicks in my hands, but I jerked them off."

"So you never got any semen inside your pussy. I should be grateful for small favors."

"I'm not claiming any special...virtue, Bill. I was a pretty bad wife...for the last three or four years. I told myself it was alright because I saved my pussy for you....when I let you have it. But I honestly got more out of my vibrator than I did from you."

" What did I ever do to deserve that kind of treatment from you?"

"I don't know. I was angry as hell at you most of the time, but I thought I hid it pretty well. I guess I was angry...and contemptuous....I didn't think much of you....as a man."

"You forget. I read your emails. I know how you felt about me as a man."

"What good would it do me to lie about it? I told you I wrote the truth. That's...the way I felt about you. But...I...I know this drives you crazy, but it was some of your fault. Even if you never admit it, you know I'm right. You left me alone for this damned office and this damned job. You wanted to be Saint Bill more than you wanted to be inside me."

"And that made what you were doing right?"

"No, I didn't say that. Just like what you've been doing with Aline for the past two weeks wasn't right...and you know it. But you did it anyway."

They stood there silently for a moment.

"I know I was wrong, but...can you be honest with me about one thing?

"What have I ever lied to you about?"

"I don't know. That's why I'm asking. Did you ever cheat on me. You don't have to tell me the truth, but we're over. It won't change anything. I just...would like to know."

"To make you feel better about what you were doing"?

"No, whether you were screwing half the females in your office, or were as pure as the driven snow, I should have divorced you. I should have had the courage to walk away. I had a good job. The kids weren't little. They were in their teens. I could have made a new life for myself. God knows, I have never had a problem attracting men. I could have found a good guy to replace you. I shouldn't have hurt you the way I did...with Doug...and the emails.

"I was a coward. And that I'm sorry for."

"I hope this hurts you a little more, Debbie. No, I never cheated on you. I never had another woman in all the years we were married....until Aline.

"That's Aunt Clarice speaking from the grave, isn't it?

"I never really believed it...but...the things she said got stuck in my head, and I never really dis-believed them either."