Who's Crying Now

Several groups of men were bolting rows of seats to the floor around the oval shaped structure. Other men worked at building a lighting truss on the recently erected stage.

"Take it from the bridge," someone said over a microphone. The PA system sounded metallic. Obviously the audio techs were still making adjustments. At this stage it wasn't really a problem since they had two days left before the show.

All at once I saw them. I waved at a man holding at guitar. He was older now and had given up the long curly impression of an Afro that he'd sported during their heyday. Even as he nodded towards me, he shrugged his shoulders, and the band launched into a familiar spot in a familiar song.

"Someday love will find you," sang the energetic ball of sparks who'd replaced their original vocalist. "Break those ties that bind you. One night will remind you. How we've touched and went our separate ways."

The voice was pure and soulful. It wasn't quite the same as the original, but it was as close as humanly possible. That was where I like many fans, I found myself in a quandary. When I heard the voice on recordings it was clearly not quite as good as the original singer's voice. Steve Perry had a unique voice that was a gift from God. No one could exactly duplicate him. But when you heard them live in concert, his replacement sounded closer to the recordings than Steve ever did. And from talking to lots of people, he loved performing. Sometimes we grow out of doing the things we love so passionately when we're young.

The band stopped abruptly as a blast of feedback from one of the mics produced a high pitched squeal that drowned out the music. I leaned back in my chair putting my feet up on the row of seats in front of me as they started again. I closed my eyes as I realized that the song, "Separate ways," though not one of my favorites, seemed to echo the state I was in with Karla. It was especially fitting that I heard this song at this point in time. I didn't really know whether Karla had actually been there at the book signing this evening or if seeing her had just been the ramblings of a crazy woman. As I thought about it I realized that it wasn't very likely.

If Karla had been there, Heather would have told me. I was just vulnerable, because Christmas had just passed and I always reminisced during the holidays. But then that was the main reason for me to go out on this end of the year book tour. Or at least it was one of the reasons. We'd had heavy Christmas sales of the book so supporting the sales with a tour seemed like a smart business move. But it also promoted the book even more and would hopefully drive up the price of the movie rights when we negotiated with the studios that were interested.

The real reason that I agreed though was because I'd come to hate the holidays. Sure Christmas is fun when you're in love and have a family. But the thought of spending another Christmas alone or with a group of strangers was the last thing I needed. I also didn't want to be around my family so they could remind me of how much I loved Christmas before my divorce. If things had gone according to plan, Karla and I should have had at least two kids by now. But who knows, she probably had them with someone else.

Karla and I always shared Christmas with the family but New Years was our time. We usually had a special Dinner together on New Year's Eve and then brought in the New Year in bed together. I can remember so many times when we'd be there feverishly fucking, with sweat running down our backs, trying so hard not to cum until the exact stroke of midnight. There were several times when we came really close, but we never quite made it. I loved that woman so much...until she did what she did.

I can still remember running out of that asshole Jerry's house after I walked in on them. I never actually saw them, but that was a good thing. If I had, I doubt that either one of them would be alive today. I let my lawyer handle everything. So I never spoke to either of them again. I did come close to beating the fuck out of Jerry when I saw him the day of his wife's funeral. But he was clearly suffering and it would never have gotten back what he stole from me.

I still wonder to this day if he and Karla are together. For their sake I hope they are. I didn't tell Mary that it was Jerry that Karla had cheated on me with. It seemed cruel to do that to her. She was already dying, so I didn't want to take any more of her happiness away from her. I always figured that I'd get back at Jerry some other way, some other time. Mary found out anyway though and like me she took the cowardly approach to things. From what I understand she never spoke to Jerry again until just before she died. Knowing that the woman he married died hating him, must've hurt Jerry a lot. I hope it did. And I hope that he's out there somewhere miserable.

The band starts again and I close my eyes and remember, not the fucked up way that things ended between Karla and I, but the way they started. It all started with a lie, so perhaps it was only fitting that they ended that way too. The difference was that Karla's lie was when we got married and promised to love each other and be true to each other; my lie though far more innocent was a lie just the same. The differences, I guess were like the intro and ending of a song. Without my lie Karla and I would never have gotten together. Without her lie, we'd never have fallen apart.

It was this same band that had gotten us together. We were in college then. We were at a party in one of the dorm buildings. Someone played a Journey song. I think it was, "Don't stop believing." I had seen Karla around campus and we shared one or two classes. She was a Communications Major and I was a Journalism Major, so we both needed advanced English classes.

The differences in our personalities couldn't have been more different. She was beautiful and open and outgoing. I was shy and reserved. It all started when the party was winding down and someone had put on that Journey song. A bunch of people started complaining because by then Journey was kind of out of favor. They'd been relegated to oldies status as an eighties band. But I heard that voice speak up.

"No leave it on. I love this song," she'd said. "I have all of their music on CD's."

Even as she said it, the usual after party, before fucking, joint was being passed around and the few remaining partiers were passing around the last of the liquor.

"Great, you and their moms, must be very happy about that," quipped someone in the room. I saw it then for the first time. I saw those beautiful lips curl into a frown. And I realized that a face that beautiful should never be sad for any reason. So although it wasn't the kind of thing I did, just as the laughs rang out, I spoke up.

"I like them too," I said. "They're great. They actually write songs, not just catchy lies."

Her smile lit up the room and gave me a warm feeling that was all too brief. For just a moment it felt like our souls had touched.

"Then maybe the two of you should go back to her place and listen to them," quipped that same bored voice. "...While the rest of us listen to some music from this century. You guys could listen to some Jimmy Durante and some Solieri at the same time. A bunch of people burst out laughing then. And I must've shrunk at least three inches trying to blend into my seat. I wasn't really outgoing enough to be one of the popular people, so being made the butt of jokes wouldn't enhance my social status.

"I think we will," she said. Then she held out her hand to me. Every eye in the room was on me. I looked around and then got up and walked towards her, waiting for the punch line. It never came.

"Thanks Kevin," she said, once we were out of the room. "I've heard around campus that you're really a nice guy. I'd thought that chivalry was dead. It was nice seeing that it lives on." I just nodded and she looked around and headed for the bus stop outside of the building.

"So, we aren't going to listen to your Journey collection?" I asked.

"You really want to?" she asked. "I thought that you were just..."

"Of course I want to," I said. And then came the lie. "I love Journey." The fact was that she was the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen in my twenty-one years of life. I'd have sworn I loved Satan for a chance to spend some time with her and get her to notice me.

The thing I got for the lie was another of those beautiful smiles. I drove her back to her dorm and she snuck me into her room. The girl she roomed with was back at the party. And we did listen to Journey. We listened to a CD she had made of all of her favorite Journey songs. She was a real fan and the CD had a lot of their hits with a few less commercial songs thrown in for good measure.

We didn't have wild, magnetic sex that night, but we did end up falling asleep together on her bed. I woke up the next morning with her purring lightly in my ear and our faces only inches apart. We each had an arm wrapped around the other's waist. Karla's roommate had a hell of a sense of humor. She was a photographer and when she had stumbled drunkenly into the room in the middle of the night and found us, she'd taken several pictures of us lying there together. She'd printed lots of them and had taped them all around their dorm.

I awoke to find the bluest, most beautiful eyes I'd ever seen staring at me. I got up and apologized. "I'm sorry, I must've fallen asleep," I blurted out.

"Before or after you guys fucked?" asked her roommate.

"We didn't f..." I began.

"Buuuuuulllllllllshiiiiiiiiiiiiyittt!" laughed her roommate. "I've known Karla for six years. She doesn't even let Dave spend the night with her, and he's her boyfriend. I saw the way you guys were cuddling each other while you were asleep. That kind of intimacy only comes from the afterglow of hard core..."

I grabbed my jacket and shoes from the floor and bolted. I passed several startled girls in various stages of undress on my way out of the dorm building.

I didn't see her again until our class on Monday. As soon as I walked in she grabbed me and dragged me to the back with her and her roommate. "You are one hard guy to track down," she said. "Why'd you run out so fast? Let me guess you're the kind of guy who sleeps with a girl and then bolts, right?"

"No," I said. Within seconds everyone in the classroom was whispering about Kevin sleeping with Karla. "I'm not the kind of guy who even sleeps with girls, let alone bolts afterwards." Both Karla and her roommate Jessica laughed as the people near us begin whispering that Kevin was gay.

"Do you want to rephrase that?" she giggled.

"I don't think I should say anything at all," I said. "It always seems to come out wrong. Maybe I should just quit while I'm behind, because..."

"Because what?" she asked.

"Because your eyes are so beautiful they make me tongue tied," I said. "And when you smile I just feel...I don't know...I feel warm all over. I feel like I could do anything..."

"Well anything you're gonna' do should probably wait a while," said Jessica. She nodded her head towards the professor who was just about to begin his lecture.

From that day forward, Karla and I were an item. We were intimate immediately, but we didn't have sex. I didn't push because I had the feeling that she was holding back. And then it happened. Karla told me that she couldn't do anything with me one evening because she had something important to take care of.

I was young. I was stupid. And it was the first time I'd ever been in love. I was also way out of my league. I mean I wasn't a troll or anything, but I wasn't the kind of guy that girls went nuts over either. Karla had always told me that she thought I was handsome. She said I just needed more confidence.

So being totally afraid of losing her, it just ate away at me. What could be more important to her than us? I decided to stop by her dorm just in case she got home early. After all she'd told me that she'd call me if it wasn't too late when she got done with what she had to do. If I was there or close by, we wouldn't have to waste time. She was my goddess. I basked in her light.

And there I was walking my way to her dorm with my heart on my sleeve. Everything I saw made me smile. The sun seemed brighter. People seemed nicer and more beautiful. The birds were singing louder and happier. Everything was A-okay in the world. That is until I stepped into the park across from her dorm and saw her sitting on a bench with another guy. They were looking into each other's eyes and nodding.

I immediately changed my mind. Goddess my ass, she was a two timing whore and I couldn't stand her. The only thing protecting her ugly face was the fact that I don't hit girls. If I did, I'd have gone over there and slapped the taste out of her mouth. I went home and e-mailed my professor. I told him that I would probably miss class the following day because I was coming down with something. I asked him if he could please send me the next reading assignment and any work that would be assigned because I didn't want to fall behind.

While I was on the computer, my phone rang. Caller ID told me that it was Karla. I didn't answer it. She left a message and her voice sounded so cheerful and happy that it made me realize what a scheming cunt she was. Obviously her mood had improved because she'd gone out and fucked some guy. I just couldn't figure it out. I had never done anything to her. Why would she play with me like that? Then I realized that we WERE in college after all. This was the time in life for people to do stupid things. Maybe she was pledging some sorority and had to humiliate a nerd to get in.

Well whatever it was, I was out of it. The game was over. She called me three more times that night sounding less happy each time. When I didn't show up in class the following day her calls got frantic. She actually stopped by the apartment I was renting, but I was prepared for that. I had gone to all of my classes except for the one that we shared. After class, I went downtown to a movie. When the movie ended I went for a walk along the river downtown. I stayed away from home until after dark. Since she didn't have a car I was sure that she'd be home before I got back.

There were twelve messages waiting for me from Karla and three from Jessica. I couldn't avoid her forever but I did make it a week. I finally had to show up for our English class the following week. I made sure that I wouldn't be grabbed and dragged to the back by coming in later than normal for me. I slipped in just as our professor walked in the door. I sat in the front row. She smiled and waved at me as I sat down. I pretended I didn't see her. Luckily for me we had a quiz at the end of class on the reading assignment.

Over the previous week, I hadn't left my apartment except to go to class. So I knew the material as well as I knew my name. I easily churned through the questions, turned in my paper and left before anyone else finished.

Two days later and a bunch of phone calls dodged or avoided, I was slammed against my car from behind as I opened the door.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" screamed a female voice from behind me. I turned to see an enraged Jessica behind me. Jessica was Karla's roommate.

"Come on Jessica. Leave me alone. She had her fun. I'm sure she won the contest or whatever I was to her. Don't you think I've been humiliated enough?" I asked.

She looked at me like I was crazy. "That girl is at home crying her eyes out over you, you fucking moron. What are you talking about? I think she loves you. And I'd have bet my God damned life that you felt the same until you started acting like a dick."

"She has a really funny way of loving someone," I said. "I don't need that kind of love."

"Again, I have to ask...what the fuck, are you talking about?" she screamed.

"She cheated on me," I hissed. She tilted her head and looked at me. Then she reared back and burst out laughing.

"Well, I'm glad breaking my heart is so funny," I said. "I just hope that someday someone does the same to you." I started to walk away but she grabbed my arm. She was still laughing as she pulled me back.

"Come on idiot. Take me home," she said.

"I'm not taking you..." I began.

"Kevin, I won't give you another chance," she said. "Are you so sure that you want to walk away from the best thing you'll ever have?"

"I know you don't think much of me," I said. "But I do have some pride."

"I know you do honey," she said. "But you're wrong about this. Technically Karla can't have cheated on anyone because she's a virgin. She's probably going to stay that way because the person she wanted to change her status with is a moron. Now morally, she has been cheating. Yep, she's been doing things with another guy behind her boyfriend's back."

"Finally the truth comes out!" I said. "Can I go now?"

"Boy when God gave out stupidity, you must've gone through the line twice," she said. "Kevin you're not her boyfriend."

"Not anymore," I spat. "I'm her ex now."

"You're her moron," she spat. "The two of you have no commitment, yet. Sure when the two of you are together, you shoot off sparks and both of you are about to do some serious damage to yourselves but..."

"Are you saying that she's going to try to hurt me?" I asked.

"God damn it Kevin for a smart guy you can be really stupid," she said. "That's not what I meant. Karla hasn't said it; not in words anyway, but she loves you. And you love her, even though you're acting all macho and stupid right now. I really don't think the two of you can be without each other. I think if you tried, you might survive, but you'd always feel like you were only half of a person."

"In time I'll get over her," I said. "I'd rather have a clean break than to live my life wondering if she was going to cheat on me again."

"Kevin, do you remember what I said to you the first morning that you woke up in our dorm? Remember what I said about how the two of you looked? Remember what I said about you sleeping all night with her?" she asked. Suddenly it all clicked into place.

"You said that she didn't let some guy stay over and he was her..." I said stupidly. "Oh my God."

"Kevin, you're too stupid to have your own God," she said. "All this time Karla has been blowing off her boyfriend to spend time with you. She's been cheating on HIM with YOU, stupid. And she's not that kind of girl. I think that before you got so stupid, you were on the verge of getting something very special. But she didn't want to do it while she was still committed to Dave because that really would be cheating. Dave and Karla are not like you and Karla, Kevin."

"How are we different?" I asked.

"Well, first off, the two of them get pissed at each other and then don't talk to each other for weeks at a time. I don't think the two of you can go a day without seeing each other without getting jumpy and anxious. And secondly when the two of you are around each other, you don't see anyone else. I even feel strange standing between the two of you. It's as if there's a force drawing the two of you together. But anyway what you thought was her cheating on you was her breaking things off with Dave so the two of you could be together. And what did she get for it? You kicked her in the nuts. She's been crying her eyes out because she has no Idea what she did wrong."

"Oh God, I'm so sorry," I said. "I feel awful. I feel..."

"Stupid!" she supplied. I just hung my head and nodded.

"Like shit on toast?" She continued.

"That too," I said sheepishly.

"Like the worst motherfucker to ever draw breath?" she added.