Who's Crying Now

"I don't think I'm that bad," I said.

"Mm him, so what are you going to do to make it up to her? That is if she did for some reason decide to give you another chance?" she asked.

"I guess I'd..." I began.

"Kevin, stop," she said. "I need to tell you something right now. You're a great guy but you need to be more confident. You need to be more forceful. You really don't have to be so timid; especially when it comes to Karla. She already loves you, ya dope. You don't have to reinvent the wheel. You just have to speak from your Heart and tell her how you feel. You're really good at that when you don't think about it. Remember the other day when you told her that stuff about her eyes? That was really good. If you weren't so hung up on my best friend, I'd have fucked you myself. Now just relax and tell me what you'd do to make it up to her."

"Well first off, I'd never be stupid enough to jump to a conclusion again. I'd ask her what was going on. And secondly, I'd spend the rest of my life doing the best I could to make her the happiest woman on the planet. Karla will always be number one with me. No job, career or anything else would ever take precedence over her. She's already the center of my world but I'd make her the center of my life."

"Uh, Kevin, I think you're going to do just fine," she said. I drove her home to their dorm. "Let me talk to her first," she said.

I sat there in front of her dorm, waiting. It took more than a half hour but finally Karla came down the steps.

"Get out of the car Kevin," she snapped at me. I knew she was angry and she had a good reason to be. I got out and stood in front of her. All she did was hugged me. "Never do that again," she sobbed. "Kevin there's no one I would rather be with more than you. There never will be."

"I need to tell you something," I said.

"No you don't," she said. "I already heard it. Jessica recorded your conversation. I listened to it three times. That's what took me so long to get down here. Kevin, do you really feel that way about me?"

"I feel that and more," I said. And then we were kissing. It wasn't the soft, gentle kissing that we were used to. She tried to suck my tonsils out and rubbed herself against me. We stayed that way for a while. Then Jessica came down the stairs.

"Can I turn the Journey CD off now?" she asked.

Karla just smiled. "I'll bet I know which song you were listening to," I told her.

Back in the present, the band started playing that same song, all over again.

I opened my eyes and put the past behind me as the new singer began the first verse.

"Here we stand, worlds apart, hearts broken in two, two, two.

Sleepless nights, losing ground, I'm reaching for you, you, you.

Feelin' that it's gone, can change your mind

If we can't go on to survive the tide, love divides,"

He directed the words at me as if he knew what I was going through. Every time I heard the song it made me think of Karla and me. Tears formed in the corners of my eyes as he started the chorus.

"Someday love will find you, break those chains that bind you

One night will remind you, how we touched and went our separate ways."

The song always made me introspective. I just never in my wildest dreams saw a future without Karla in it. As a matter of fact, I never listened to this song anymore for exactly that reason. I had spent the first two years away from Karla, feeling miserable and crying over her, even as I achieved the success I'd always wanted.

I alternated between the noble part of me that wanted her to be happy with Jerry or whomever it was that she was with now, and the evil side of me that still wanted to strangle both her and Jerry with my own hands. There were times when I wished that I hadn't been so civilized and mature and had just beaten the fuck out of him.

I also often regret not at least speaking to her and having it out with her. "I guess the thing I'd want to ask you most would be why. I mean I know that I was never handsome enough for you. And I wasn't successful enough for you. But what is it about Jerry that made you love him more than me?" I hadn't even realized that I'd spoken out loud until I heard a voice answer me or try to.

* * * * * *

Karla

After sulking in my room for about an hour, I got a call from Meg. She was really chipper and wanted me to come down to the hotel's bar immediately. I wasn't doing anything else, so I decided to go. If being down there got on my nerves, I could always come back up here and continue crying. God damn it, I was tired of crying. Sometimes it just seemed like I'd been crying for six years straight.

When I got to the bar, I saw a bunch of familiar faces. The bartender was still serving drinks. Her boyfriend Greg was sitting at a table with Meg, Deena and another man that I hadn't met. I did remember seeing him somewhere, but I wasn't sure where.

As I got to the table, they moved over to make room for me. "Karla, God damn it," said Meg. "You've been in your room crying again haven't you?"

"I couldn't help it, Meg. I was so close. This is the closest I've been to him in six years. Do you know that I never even got a chance to tell him I was sorry?" I said. My voice was almost whining. I noticed then that the guy I didn't know was staring at me. He was more than staring at me he was looking at me and evaluating every aspect of me with almost clinical focus.

"Meg, you aren't trying to fix me up again are you? That never ends well," I said.

"No, Honey, I've given up on that," she said. "This is Ed. I'm not trying to fix you up with him. I'm just trying to hook you up with him. I figure the two of you can help each other."

"Thanks but no thanks," I snapped. "My stupidity and a few bad situations cost me Kevin. I'm not nearly that stupid anymore. Hooking up with some guy I don't know isn't something I would ever do. Meg you especially should understand that." I started to walk away.

"Well fuck you too," spat the guy. He got up angrily. "Someday you'll regret this chance. I came here for you."

"Ed, sit down and shut the fuck up," hissed Meg. "You need her just as badly as she needs you. It's in your best interest for us to get the two of them back together."

"But she..." began Ed.

"She's heart-broken, stupid. She's in a lot of pain. She has no idea who or what you are," said Meg.

"She started it," he said. "I have a couple of ways I could work this without her."

"Yeah right," spat Meg. "Your fiancé would pull her panties down in the middle of the street if he wanted to fuck her. I've only seen her once in life and I already know it. She can't keep her hands off of him, even in public. How long do you think your engagement is really going to last? She's using you, dummy. Unless something changes, she's never going to marry you. You're not her knight in shining armor, dumbass. You're her shield. Karla is YOUR only hope."

He glared at Meg. "Alright, let's come up with a plan. We probably need to move quickly. We're only going to be here until the day after tomorrow. After the concert we're gone."

"What are...?" I began.

"Karla, you need to be somewhere else right now," he said. "Heather will never let you in the same room with him. Right now she's walking around pissed off because she doesn't know where he is. So you can have your chance right now if you really want it."

"You know where he is?" I asked. My voice was suddenly charged with energy and determination.

"He's only a block away at the arena. It's closed now. They're setting up for the concert on New Year's Eve," he said.

"What concert?" I asked.

"Journey, of course," he said. "He's friends with them. He pushed to get their music put on the soundtrack for the movie of his second book. Anyway, get over there..."

"But how do I get in?" I asked.

"You're the reporter. You've been in all of those dangerous situations. You have to have some Lois Lane moves. Pull one out," he said. "You're doing this for both of us."

"I ran out of the bar. I had no idea which way to go. I asked the doorman which way to the arena and he pointed down the street. I started walking quickly. My mind was a blank. I was too excited to think. As I got to the arena, the doors were all locked and the building was dark. I heard the pounding of drums coming from the back so I headed that way.

There were a few people gathered behind the building. Most of them were my age or older, with a few younger people and a bunch of sluts thrown in for good measure. I was sure the guys in the band were too old to still be doing the groupie thing, but you never know. The security people were keeping them all from going into the open stage door. The security guys were huge and serious. They too were all too old to fall for any of the sluts' bullshit. I walked straight for the door. I walked straight past them as if I belonged there.

None of the security people even batted an eyelash. It was the same everywhere. If you act like you belong, people assume you do. I had almost made it when one of the sluts started whining.

"Hey how come she gets to go in and I don't? Is it because I'm not a blond in a..." she was going to say tight skirt until she remembered her own nearly air-tight miniskirt.

"Now that you mention it, why are you here?" he asked me. "Let me guess you're a groupie too. Shit, these older bands do get the CLASSIEST groupies."

"Uh, I like Journey," I said. "I love Journey, but I'm here for my husband."

"Your husband likes Journey?" he asked.

"Well he had them use their music in the movie for his second book," I said. Suddenly recognition flared in his eyes and the groupie girl's too.

"You're married to Kevin Canard?" screamed the girl.

I showed the security guy my driver's license and as I opened my wallet a couple of pictures fell out. They were laminated to protect them. I carried them with me everywhere I went. They were the last two pictures I had of Kevin. The only reason he hadn't managed to destroy them was because they were wallet sized and they've been in my wallet since they were taken. One was Kevin and I in college. The other was our wedding photo. The guard bent down and picked them up. He handed them back.

"Sorry Mrs. Canard," he said. "I should have known. I never thought you were a groupie. But I remembered that you were a reporter a long time ago. I thought that maybe you were trying to do a story or something. That has to go through the tour's press secretary. Kevin is in there...but of course you already know that. I wasn't here when he got here or I'd have known that you were coming. Tell him my wife loves his new book."

I walked in through the door that the security guy held open. I tried not to snicker at the shock on the young groupie's face. I followed the corridor down and came up behind the stage. I asked a guy there who was carrying part of a lighting rig, if he knew where Kevin was. He pointed me to another guy. The second guy was the guitar tech. He pointed to an area of seats where I saw Kevin. He was leaning back in his seat with his feet on the seat ahead of him. As the band went through their rehearsal, he was lost in thought. From a distance it looked like his eyes were closed.

It all came rushing back then. The man I love more than anything else on earth was halfway across the giant room with nothing to stop me from going to him. Six years of pain brought tears to my eyes.

I circled around so he couldn't see me. Then I slowly crept up on him from behind. The band started playing one of our old favorites, "Separate Ways." The song was subtitled (worlds apart) and it really fit the way that things were between Kevin and me. Two people who loved each other crazily but we couldn't be together. We were worlds apart. I had never really liked that song. When Kevin and I were together, I preferred songs that were more upbeat and uplifting.

As I crept closer to Kevin, Jonathan Cain began the opening keyboard riff to a song that always made me sad. Hearing him play it live again after all of these years shocked me. It was almost like Journey was playing the soundtrack to our lives.

It was funny, Journey was one of the things that had brought Kevin and me together, but for the last six years I hadn't paid them any attention. They had a new singer. He sounded just like Steve Perry.

"It's been a mystery, but still they try to see, why something good can hurt so bad," he sang. I felt every word that he sang. It was like each and every syllable he sang was for us.

"Caught on a one-way street's the taste of bittersweet. Love will go on somehow, someway," he sang. The last line had been my motto for the last six years. A squeal of feedback and some guy dropping a pipe on the stage pulled me out of the spell. It brought me back to why I was there.

Luckily for me Kevin was so locked into his thoughts that he hadn't noticed. I moved in and sat down behind him. He seemed to be talking to himself. At first I smiled until I realized that he was talking about me. I almost turned around and walked away. For years now I'd thought that Kevin had moved on. His romances with all of those women had hurt me, but we were no longer married so he could do whatever he wanted.

But now I could see that they were just Kevin's way of trying to move on. And somehow, just like me, he was stuck in the past. Kevin had not been able to get over me either.

His words, his questions thrown out to the universe, pissed me off. Before I could stop myself I answered him.

"Jessica said it best Kevin, you're just stupid," I snapped. "I never loved Jerry more than you. I never loved Jerry at all. You were everything I wanted from the start. You were always handsome to me. And I love you stupid. I never cared about whether or not you were successful. Kevin I..." I never got a chance to finish.

He turned around as if he'd been scalded with hot water. The kind, compassionate eyes that I always loved staring into, twisted with anger and his face morphed into a mask of rage. He backed away from me until he ran into the row of seats behind him. His hands formed fists and then relaxed. He blew out a breath and took in a slow one. Then he turned and walked away from me.

"Kevin, where the fuck are you going?" I screamed.

"Anywhere but here," he said.

"Kevin, I love you. There's never been anyone else," I said. He looked with me with something like longing in his eyes. Then he shook his head and the anger was back.

"Jerry would disagree with that," he said. And he started to walk away again. I was enraged. My life and my happiness all rolled into one was walking away from me, without even giving me a chance to talk to him. He didn't want to listen to me but I was going to force him to hear what I had to say. When he got clear of the seats, he waved at the band and to my surprise Neil Schon waved back at him. My husband was actually friends with our favorite band.

The problem was that while I was standing there gushing over Kevin's friendship and how far we'd come, Kevin was increasing the distance between us. I started running through the deserted arena after him. Kevin didn't go back out the way I'd come. He would have had to pass me to do that. And he was clearly running away from me.

On one hand I could understand the way he felt. If someone had hurt me as badly as I'd hurt him, I would have tried to avoid them too. But he had to understand that why I had done had not been intentional. I'd just been swept up in the joy of knowing that a friend of ours wasn't going to die, and a lot of alcohol. My biggest mistake was in not keeping my distance from Jerry after that first kiss. Actually though, I had. I stopped working with him.

None of that mattered. I followed Kevin out of the building. It was dark and deserted in the front of the building. The doors were locked, but from the inside. All I had to do was push it open and it locked again behind me.

Kevin was only a few yards away. It was almost as if he had waited for me. As I stepped around the corner following him, I wasn't paying any attention and suddenly I felt a pain in my shoulders. I screamed or gurgled involuntarily as my body dropped to the ground shaking. I had no control over my limbs or anything else and I couldn't even scream again.

Luckily Kevin had heard me. "Hey, what're you doing to my wife?" he screamed. He ran in our direction and the person who stood over me noticed him. He reached calmly into his pocket and pulled out something. Just as Kevin ran up to him, he pointed it and pulled the trigger. I saw electricity shoot into Kevin and then he was on the ground writhing right next to me.

Another figure came out of the darkness. This one pulled a cloth out of its pocket and put it over Kevin's face. "This may work out better than we had hoped," said the first figure. Its voice sounded female and vaguely familiar to me. "Take both of them."

Then the cloth came down over my face and everything went black.

* * * * * *

Interlude: Meg

I was on pins and needles, wondering how Karla was doing. She and I had been colleagues for about three years and were friends of a sort. I wanted us to be better friends, but Karla was a hard person to get to know. She was a ball of confusion in some aspects. She was professional and yet caring at the same time. I watched her old tapes and I was sure that woman was in there somewhere.

I was also sure that someday she'd come back and her career would take off again and she'd drag me up the ladder with her. But after a few years of working with her, that dream seemed unlikely to happen. Karla was an enigma. She could be so happy she was giddy one day, and depressed to the point of tears the next. For a while, I had stupidly believed that all she needed was to get laid. So yeah, I'd tried to fix her up a few times. They were all disasters. I'm a modern woman, so I even arranged a few group outings with women who played for the all girl team. Those went even worse. Karla was decidedly hetero.

Another weird thing about her was her refusal to work closely with men. All of these weird assed quirks of hers made sense now. I felt really worried because I felt for both of them. From talking to Ed for the past couple of hours, I got a sense of how bad things had been for Kevin. The man was probably one of the world's most eligible bachelors, but he lived like a recluse with a stable full of Mustangs and a few friends, most of whom worked for him.

I had also found out something that even Kevin didn't know. Those romances that had hurt Karla every time she read about them or saw them on TV were set-ups. They were designed to try to little by little help Kevin to move on from Karla. In each case the women had gone after Kevin and he had simply gone along with it. It had been Heather every time who had decided when the relationships had to end. Not because the women were interfering with Kevin's career, but because they were becoming too close to him. Heather didn't want any of the women to become permanent fixtures in Kevin's life.

I decided that I would tell Karla about it, but we probably shouldn't tell Kevin. He was, according to Ed, already in a relatively fragile emotional state. Apparently the break in their marriage had been far harder on Kevin than it had been on Karla.

Ed was fairly astute when it came to figuring out a woman's strategy, but he was totally wrong about Heather. He thought that Heather was torn between Kevin and himself. He thought that since he was the one having sex with her, that he had the upper hand. I had to break it to him that he was as I'd told him earlier only a shield.

Heather knew that Kevin wasn't interested in any woman other than Karla. So she got him involved in those little mini relationships to get him ready for a real romance with someone other than Karla. At the same time she had to make it seem like she wasn't interested in him other than business herself. The easiest way to do that was to have a fiancé around. As soon as she could get Kevin ready for a romance with her, she'd dump Ed in a heartbeat. And from the way she was rubbing herself all over Kevin at the book signing, that couldn't be very far away.