Why I Like Porn

Hello, perverts. Thank you for joining me once again as I explore the disturbing landscape of my own mind, where supermodels scream bad words during sex, every girl likes to have her nipples sucked, and Jennifer Garner is not as annoying in real life as she seems.

Tonight, I’ll be discussing one of my favorite topics.

Porn.

For just a moment, say the word with me. “Porn.” It doesn’t sound like the vulgar object of scorn and criticism it’s been for the last five decades. No, it sounds more like the name of a flower, or a type of harmless woodland creature. “Look honey, a nest of porn. They seem so peaceful and sweet. Do you think they’ll bite if I offer them food? Let’s see.”

As I type this, my television displays an image of a boy and girl in bed, fucking each other stupid. The girl is on her back with her head propped up by pillows, while the boy (ahem, old dude with hair plugs) impales her repeatedly with a terrifying nine-inch penis that’s thicker than some cantaloupes I’ve seen. Oh, wait a minute, is that a close-up shot of the beast grinding its way deep between the girl’s burning red meat lips? It’s ain’t “The Jefferson Family Reunion,” I can tell you that.

Look what I found, sitting behind you. You have porn. Yes, you. No, not your roommate, YOU. If you watch it, repeatedly, compulsively, then no matter who paid for it or picked the hiding place, it’s YOUR PORN.

It’s on your computer, hidden in little byte-sized nuggets even after you push that button Gates gave you that “cleans up” the disk. It’s on a CD you hide in the same case as a Beach Boys album you never listen to, and which your boyfriend won’t ever select, either. It’s under your mattress, in your video cabinet, behind the toilet, carefully folded inside some old textbooks on the shelf.

For others, your porn sits in a box in a dumpster, a box of fifteen tapes you drove to Texas to purchase, only to rid yourself of in a moment of angst. How can you be a good person and watch that filth? How can you need to watch strangers fuck when you have a beautiful girl at home, who loves you and wants you to get rid of that? What if your mom finds out, or your Sunday school teacher?

You’re probably expecting me to tell you that we live in an age of enlightenment and sexual liberation, and that all those psychotic moral conservatives should stop indoctrinating kids with the idea that their bodies are sinful and should never be touched in any way. I bet you have two distinct sets of friends yourself, one consisting of professional types (probably at your workplace) who would certainly turn theirs noses up if they ever found out you downloaded the “red” version of the “American Pie” trailer at work, while your second set of friends shows up at work without bras, ranting about how the radical right wants nothing more than a legion of mindless zombies who will agree that the world is a sinful place and will you please send your check right away? Setting the issue of porn aside for a moment, the left will tell you they believe you have the right to do what you want as long as it doesn’t hurt anybody.

Well, I have news for you. We do NOT live in an age of enlightenment. People are more ignorant than ever before. The cavemen knew what they had to do, and they did it; we’ve devolved ever since. Free sex destroys healthy relationships, breaks families apart, and exacerbates the exploitation of women and men who see no alternative but to trade their broken lives in for some X-rated screen time and a few fast bucks.

But I love porn.

If I believe it’s bad for me, why do I watch it? Because I’m damaged goods. My mind is rotted out by the pussy candy. Seriously, I’ve had enough sex to kill a German army platoon. What’s to go back to? Virginity? Bring on the filthy images, the gay/lesbian sex, the painful positions, the naked group sex and the staged romantic encounters where the girl really has it coming.

Alright, alright, you can tell I’m on the fence as far as how I feel about this. But I’m NOT on the fence about whether I’m GOING to watch porn or not. I’m addicted, and I like it.

And so do you.

You LOVE watching people have sex, with the ability to fast-forward to the good parts, and rewind back to them over and over. That moment when the boy comes in the girl’s hair? YOU LOVE IT. You really do, you love it.

I can’t tell you the right or the wrong. All I can tell you is why I got hooked, and why I plan on staying hooked. It’s fun! Porn brings together all my favorite things: Imagining things, voyeurism, role-playing, masturbation, orgasms, and a little quiet time without the phone ringing. I wish I could find a way to eat Krispy Kreme donuts at the same time without distracting from the arousing porn, but until then, porn has just about all the stuff I like.

Look at you, sitting there, judging me. You don’t even mean to do it. Hell, didn’t you make a conscious decision to visit a porn site and read stories about people having random, guilt-free, illegal sex with each other? But you can’t help it! I’m still talking to the liberals, believe it or not. You’ve built up this system in your mind that says sex is wrong. I mean, FUCK, you’ll share your sexual exploits with anyone who asks, but when they start to talk about porn, you automatically (I use that word carefully) start saying how you don’t have any need for porn, don’t own any (or, if you do, don’t frequently use it) and don’t approve of those who do (or at least you implied it with your tone). Perhaps you even think it’s true, to some degree; now that you’ve shot your mouth off to your friends about how you’ll never be a porn addict, it’s best to leave that stuff under the bed.

Liberals think they’re so enlightened about sex, but why do you hate porn? It’s fun! Everyone loves it! It doesn’t hurt anyone, or at least no one who isn’t a willing participant.

One of you, just one of you reading this article, has never purchased porn, nor do you have any friends who have porn (or would admit it to you), nor have you ever considered allowing porn into your line of vision. What you don’t know is this: You’re already halfway there.

Society is filled with porn – from television ads for water parks to whatever role Halle Berry won her last Oscar for to the beer billboard you stare at just a little too long on your way to work. Again, one of the defining characteristics of porn is that everyone involved with it is a willing participant, and no one really gets hurt. You want beer, that girl in the sports bra convinces you to buy the beer, everyone’s happy.

So why not admit that you masturbate daily, or would if you had the privacy, and go get yourself an actual videocassette of two people having sex? Watch it as often as you like. Play with yourself as you watch it, and have many orgasms because of it. They make porn on DVD now, you know.

When I masturbate to porn, I like to imagine one of two things – either I’m the guy fucking the beautiful girl, or I’m the girl, getting turned on by being fucked. These are the two things I think in the bedroom, as well – when I’m with a girl, the thing that arouses me isn’t what she’s doing to me, but what she’s doing to herself, how she’s enjoying the experience, how she wants more and more.

I can see right through you, you know. All of you. The prudes, trying to find the courage to go buy porn and watch it, thrilled a little by the prospect of getting caught although you’d die if you ever did. And sitting next to them, the liberals, lofty in your bourgeois tower, secretly wishing you could turn off your social façade and enjoy some porn of your own. And everyone in-between, who has porn but feels guilty about enjoying it.

If porn is wrong, and it might be, then you have a good reason to feel guilty. “Wrong” could mean that it distracts you from the other worthy pursuits of life, or it could mean it’s a moral sin. Either way, guilt doesn’t help you achieve any of those other worthy pursuits, and you’re gonna keep watching porn, so why not decide to keep watching and not feel guilty about it?

Right about now, the kids in front of me on the TV are finishing up, with the girl leaning her sweaty neck back so her boyfriend (neighbor? I forget) can come on her face. I’m going to rewind it, and beat off hard. It’s a better use of my time than breaking some girl’s heart with a dishonest one-night stand. It’s a superior alternative to adultery, to rape, to pregnancy, to disease. Pop in some porn and feel good, no matter how shitty your day was or how shitty people treated you. You do so much to make everyone happy, and they repay you by telling you the thing you want to do by yourself is a bad thing? Fuck them! Go watch some porn!