Wishful Thinking Ch. 04

First of all I am so very sorry that it has taken me soooo long to get this out to you all...My health is not fabulous and life has a bad habit of getting in the way.

So here is the next part of my little story and I so hope that you all continue read this and then maybe reach a hand out to someone whom you know or maybe suspect has had a "tough" time of things.

Blessings

Taylor

*

Try as I may I couldn't stop time and it seemed to fly by because before I knew it we were on the way to my appointment. I let Mike drive because my brain was otherwise occupied with keeping my body from leaping out of the moving vehicle and running down the road like a mad man. Every now and then Mike would reach for my hand and gently rub my knuckles trying to convey comfort and his touch meant everything to me.

A nasty little voice reminded me though that when he heard "everything" he would be too disgusted to touch me ever again and that would be something that I knew in my heart I just wouldn't survive. It could be the brightest, sunniest day ever; I could have given one of my patients the news that they were in remission but I felt like this rain cloud was following me wherever I went just waiting to drown me. No one knew it was there because if I kept moving and smiling surely I could fool them and I could fool myself into thinking that for one minute I could be just like them.

The scenery passed by in a blur of color and all too soon we were pulling into the parking lot. Taking a deep trembling breath it took all my willpower to make my hand open the car door and if Mike hadn't been there holding my hand I would have spilled bonelessly to the ground. I glanced at Mike. "So...this is it then." I looked up at the benign brick building and wondered what tortures awaited me inside.

Going inside we found the correct office on the directory and rode the elevator up to the third floor. Once again I turned to Mike for comfort and without saying a word he wrapped me in his arms. "You have to believe in me, in us..It's all going to be ok. I love you Taylor." I felt tears fill my eyes at those sweet words and kissed him hard on the lips. Taking his hand in mine we went inside.

Dr Aimes offered his hand to shake and we all moved into his office. He took out a notebook and a small tape recorder. He must have noticed my nervous glance because he reassured me that it was to make sure he took accurate notes for my file. I had no idea where to begin or even what to say so I waited quietly for something to happen.

"So Taylor why don't you tell me why you're here today. You told me over the phone that you had some things in your past that you felt were holding you back, so let's start there shall we?" He looked at me expectantly. I opened my mouth to start but he silenced me with a wave of his hand. Looking at Mike he said " Now I am sure you know that these times between all of us are confidential so I need your assurance that the things said in this room will go no further and if I ask you to leave you will do so without question."

Mike's mouth dropped open at that and he looked like he was going to rip Dr Aimes a new one so I stepped in on his behalf. "Listen you can trust Mike because I do, with my life and if things get...well ugly then don't worry, he knows when to leave it to us..ok?"

I took the small nod from Dr Aimes was a sign to begin once again but I still stumbled over the words. Talking about these kinds of details was one thing with Mike but this guy was a stranger, a qualified therapist but still a stranger. I ran my hands through my hair and looking at the carpet I started.

"I was abused by my father from when I was eight until I was fifteen. It wasn't just sexual it was also I guess what you'd call mental torture. After a while the sex part became my normal life and I found ways to deal with it but it's the other stuff that still haunts me and I need you to help me to put this shit down and leave it behind once and for all." My breath came out in a rush and I felt the vomit rise to my throat but I choked it back and waited for a response.

When there wasn't one I looked up, surprised. I expected to see disgust or sympathy but instead there was only compassion. He lent forward and looked straight at me. "Taylor I need you to be extremely honest with me now, have you ever tried to hurt yourself? Now or in the past? Because if you're having those kinds of thoughts I can give you some medication."

I knew then instantly that I could trust him with my darkest secrets. "I did..try. But that was when I was still a kid and I haven't tried it again. To be perfectly frank when this is all over I may start thinking about it once more but I have Mike now, I'm not alone any more." I stood and lifted my shirt to display the deep scar in my chest. It hadn't been that hard or that painful. Just one hard push with a sharp knife and then a wonderful floating sensation.

Dr Aimes made notes in his book and motioned for me to sit. "So how old were you when you tried that? And why then? What happened that made you really want to die?" He sat back and waited patiently. I shook my head slightly and stood to pace around the small office, which now felt like it was suffocating me.

"I can't...I'm not sure I can tell you about that." I felt my head spin and I knew I had to sit down or fall down.

Mike was instantly beside me and drew me back to his protective arms but I moved away and knelt in front of Dr Aimes. "Don't you see, if I tell you about that day then it will end me. The mountain that I have been holding back will come tumbling down and I will drown." Because my legs wouldn't hold my weight I stayed sitting on the floor. "What if I tell you all of this and I don't come back? Mike...there's Mike now and my patients..What will happen to everyone who depends on me to be there?"

Dr Aimes moved to place a hand on my shoulder. "Now is not the time to be thinking about anyone but you Taylor. You need to be selfish in order to get through this. Listen I don't know the details but obviously what happened has changed who you are and there will be parts of your past that will always be with you but I can teach you how to take your power back. That's what abuse, any kind of abuse is all about, power. Someone looses some and someone takes it away from them. It's the control over another human being that creates the thrill and in the majority of cases it usually ends up in a death. So let's take baby steps ok? But we need to start somewhere..Your choice."

I went back to sitting beside Mike because I needed his closeness. His hand rubbed my back and that gave me the courage to begin. "We had an old well in our back yard. Now I'm sure it wasn't that deep but it sure felt that way when he would put me in there. It was dark and always freezing cold and he would use it as extra punishment if I wasn't "good" or just simply because the son-of-a-bitch was evil. Just to spice things up he would catch snakes and often bugs and I would hear them moving around and they would crawl on me." I looked up at the ceiling, desperate for the strength to go on and actually surprised that I was still alive. I was told that if I shared our "little secret" to anyone, death would be swift and immediate and I had come to believe that with all of my heart. Maybe he was lying about other things too?

"One night I had been down there for such a long time and the moon came out from behind some clouds. I made the mistake of opening my eyes and there were cockroaches everywhere. I remember screaming for so long that I guess I passed out because when I woke up I was laying in our backyard." I stood again and bolted from the room with my hand over my mouth searching desperately for the restroom.

I heard the door open. "Taylor? Babe are you ok?" Mike asked quietly. I couldn't look at him. I felt dirty and used and ashamed. He reached to touch me but I went to the sink to wash my face and get rid of the bile that remained in my mouth.

Mike's eyes darkened. "Taylor....Taylor I need you to look at me. Please?" I turned to look at him. That beautiful face that held nothing but love for me. I felt tears come to my eyes and trickle slowly down my cheeks.

"Don't pull away from me, not now. I can't even begin to imagine the things that you've had to live with but no matter what I hear I will always love you. Do you hear me?" Mike took my face in his hands. "You are worthy of happiness and of being loved..so get used to it." Ahh that smile. I felt my own in response.

I nodded silently, not capable of words and drew him in close feeling his warmth envelope me.

"Ok..Let's go back in. Dr Aimes probably thinks I've bolted." Holding Mike's hand we went back and sat on the couch. I took another deep breath and began talking once more.

"I have these..dreams. I'm walking towards our barn and I remember it had a bright red door. I can hear this sound..This gut-wrenching noise and I can feel my legs shake. I don't want to look inside but it's like my body has a will of it's own." I looked at Mike and he smiled, encouraging me to continue. " I see my hand reach out and slowly open the door and then...nothing. Everything goes black but when I wake, or when Mike wakes me I am screaming. So I know it's something awful but I've never seen what was in that barn. How do I get rid of that nightmare?"

Dr Aimes was thoughtfully quiet for a moment. "Well it would seem to me that your mind has been quite kind to you by blocking this memory out but now it has surfaced and you need to deal with it. We can do something called regression therapy where I can send you back to that moment in time and help you figure out what it is that happened." His glance at the clock on the wall made me look too and I was startled to see over two hours had gone by.

"Are you willing to keep coming here to see me? You've taken the first step and I hope you'll allow me to keep helping you in your journey Taylor." Mike and Dr Aimes looked at me expectantly. As freaked out as I was, I wanted so badly to live a relatively normal existence and Mike was more than worth any emotional pain I would endure.

"Yes. I think I'd like that very much. Thank you Dr Aimes." Before leaving we scheduled another appointment and for the first time in so long I had hope that maybe I could get some peace. I felt lighter somehow and as Mike and I walked back to the car I was suddenly extremely horny. I grabbed Mike and shoved him hard against the car and plastered my lips over his. His gasp of surprise then need spurred me on but also I was keenly aware that we were out in plain sight.

Unwilling to let Mike go but aching to have him make love to me, I moved to sit and when Mike joined me I leant in once more and gently nibbled his ear. "I have no idea what's going on right now but I need you..I can't wait until we get home..Please babe make love to me." My voice already harsh with desire and my wandering hands found him hard and ready for release. He was as turned on as I was and drew me in for a hard kiss.

With both of us panting by now we searched the area for a deserted spot with no traffic and finally settled on what looked to be a factory that had long since been closed down and parked the car as far from the main road as we could get. Both of us were quite tall so maneuvering would be tricky but I was beyond caring. We moved to the back seat and I ripped Mike's shirt open and started to devour his hard nipples causing Mike to moan loudly.

His hands found my back and pulled my shirt up and over my head. I loved the feeling of our skin rubbing together. Hot and masculine yet gentle. My head rolled back as Mike found my throat and his hands undid my jeans and his trembling fingers found my hard cock and rubbed it's head through my boxers. I nearly lost all control but I wanted him inside me so I moved away and stripped everything off...not caring if a passer-by witnessed our steamy lovemaking.

Silencing Mike's protests with my lips, I removed his pants in one fluid movement and was treated to the sight of his glorious manhood leaking profusely which I cleaned off, reveling in his taste. I lent over the front seat to the glovebox and found our stash of condoms and lube. After one evening of passionate petting and then discovering we didn't have either which meant enduring a long drive home we had included those items to our 'car essentials."

Tearing at the foil packet with my teeth and then rolling it over Mike's painfully hard cock, I squeezed extra lube over the condom then placing some on a couple of fingers I inserted both in my ass, gritting my teeth a little at the welcome invasion. When I was loose enough, I placed my legs on either side of Mike's thighs and slowly lowered myself onto him. I had to take it slow because I was so close to the edge already.

Mike's breath was hot against my neck and his quiet mewling sounds were driving me crazy. "Taylor, I don't know how long I can take this. Please just sit for a minute. I want this to last." With those words I moved to take more of Mike but careful not to excite him further. We both moaned loudly as I took him completely then sat without moving. I wrapped my arms around Mike and drew him closer. Once again tears threatened and I felt so blessed to have him in my life. I took his face in my hands and placed gentle kisses on his cheeks and eyes then finally his lips.

I started to rock my hips slowly, feeling Mike swell inside of me as his body responded to mine. His hand moved to touch me but I stopped him, wanting his arms around me too. I knew I wouldn't be long because that familiar sensation began to fill my being. I moved a little faster and felt Mike begin to tense. "God Taylor you feel so good....we feel so good. This is what home feels like..You know?" Mike's movements became erratic and I sped up taking us closer to the inevitable.

"Mike come with me...come on baby." That was all we both needed as we plummeted then soared to the heavens. Each of us lost in the sensations assaulting our bodies. The smell of sweat and passion filled the car and we slowly came back to earth. Startled by an overwhelming wave of emotion I suddenly found myself bawling like a baby. Mike lent his head against mine and rubbed my back. "Ah babe it's ok...shhh..please don't." But those kind words only made me cry harder.

I had never really just let loose before so I guess everything caught up with me at once. Mike rocked me and waited as the storm passed. Wiping my face on my discarded shirt I felt stupid and foolish. "I'm sorry I don't know what happened there. I just couldn't stop myself." My legs were starting to ache and I needed to pee. Mike held the condom in place as I eased myself off and moved to sit beside him. Placing the condom in a Kleenex and then into the trash bag we always kept in the car I looked around for any witnesses and seeing none I stood beside the car and peed like a racehorse.

I sat beside Mike once more and he twined his fingers with mine. "Please don't apologize. If anyone deserves to loose control every once in a while it's you. The thing is..I haven't been through something like this with anyone let alone someone that means everything to me so I need your help. I need you to tell me when to let you be and when to step in and catch you ok." Mike suddenly looked very tired and my heart ached because I had caused that. "I know it's going to get hard and ugly and I also know that you can't quite let yourself believe that I will be here in the end..And that's ok...really it is. It makes me more determined to prove you wrong." He kissed the back of my hand.

"Now let's get home and have a nice long shower and do some serious snuggling..what do you think about that handsome?" We dressed and began the drive home. The light at the end of the tunnel was still faint but at least it was still there.

*

The End...More to come....thanks for spending your time with me!

Blessings

Taylor.