Without You I Have Nothing Ch. 03

Early the following morning Peter eagerly knocked at Jennifer's door. He didn't consider 7 too early nor did he consider his actions unusual. After a long pause, while Jennifer inspected him through the peephole, the door was wrenched open.

"What do you think you're doing?" Wearing a pale green dressing gown, with her hair tousled and her face showing that she had awakened from a deep sleep, Jennifer glared angrily at him, her hands on her hips. "Have you gone mad? Don't you know what time it is?"

Even the yellow roses thrust into her hand did nothing to calm the fire in those eyes. This Ice Maiden was angry.

Stuttering and stammering, retreating before her outrage Peter regretted the crazy idea that had brought him there.

"Well, speak up."

Peter could only stammer and mumble.

"Come in. It's far too cold to stand out here talking." As she pulled the door fully open, her dressing gown swung back to give a tantalizing glimpse of nightwear and bare legs. Jennifer must have noticed Peter's reaction as she quickly added, "and don't get any funny ideas. I want to know what you think you're doing. I demand an explanation and then you're on your way, mister."

The shaggy bear, that was Peter, lumbered after her muttering his gruff apologies. "I'm sorry. I didn't realize it was so early. I only came to help you with your shopping."

What had been a sweet idea had suddenly turned very sour. "I really am sorry! I..."

"Oh, no you're not." The chill in her voice showed she was not interested in his excuses. Denying him any further glimpse of her nightwear and legs by firmly holding her dressing gown in place she flounced onto the settee. "You planned all this, believing I'd be swept off my feet." Pulling her pink envelope from her pocket, she spread the contents on the coffee table. "You even thought you could buy me," and her lips curled back in distaste.

Drawing himself up to his full height and red of face, angrily he tried to think of a way through her accusation as he glared at her. He knew that he wouldn't accept that accusation from anyone let alone this beautiful young woman who was stepping back from his anger.

Sinking into a chair as if his legs would no longer support him he allowed his voice to lash out whipping across her thoughts.

"That pink envelope is an Ang Pow given freely to wish someone good luck. It's full of new money. Last night was Chinese New Year, heralding the beginning of the Year of the Golden Dragon. Chinese Custom has it that the recipient of the Ang Pow acquires considerable wealth and good luck in the forthcoming year, yet you have the audacity to insult me saying I was buying you.

"Was I also buying everyone at the meal last night? Thanks for the insult. That is something I would have considered beneath the dignity of the wonderful lady I had the pleasure of escorting last night."

Feeling utterly miserable, Jennifer recoiled from the angry heat of his eyes.

"I had a most enjoyable night and now this!" He was livid.

"You're absolutely, bloody unbelievable. I just can't believe your accusation." Peter shook his head before continuing. "Now, as for me planning all this... That's rubbish! I'm no thinker. I'm just trying to be friendly with no ulterior motive."

What else could Peter say?

Jennifer said nothing. She was immovable.

Obviously, Jennifer was ignoring his words. She watched silently, absolutely bewildered by the vehemence of his response, hoping she could do something to make the redness in Peter's eyes soften and return to their sparkling blue.

So forceful was his anger she was frightened.

"All right, I'll admit it. I wanted to see you this morning but there's no crime in that. I'm not a leper you know, although I've lived with a few of those." Peter was infuriated.

"I could've slept in and not been subject to all this nonsense. You're new in Sydney, by yourself, and you had a miserable time last night so I came here, trying to make amends. Stupidly, I believed I could be of some help and take you shopping but obviously, I made a mistake. The yellow roses say friendship, which I had hoped to build on, but, foolish me, I didn't realize that was not a possibility."

Peter hauled himself out of his chair and immediately Jennifer realized just how big he was.

"Well, thanks for last night. If nothing else, I can truthfully say I really enjoyed your company and you made the night for me. I am not exaggerating when I state that was one of the happiest nights of my whole life, only made possible by you."

Turning, he marched to the door and, as he opened it, he whirled around on her with his final words.

"I'm no boy although you seem to think I am. I'm a man, proud of my manhood and I'm especially proud that you allowed me to escort you last night. For that, I thank you. I won't bother you again. Perhaps we'll meet again - at least I - I certainly hope so."

Peter's shoulders drooped. He was beaten and he turned to the door.

"I'm sorry for the intrusion."

"Peter, come back and sit down." Jennifer looked stricken, so small and fragile as she began to cry. Almost against her will, the tears ran as she looked down at her fingers clasped in her lap. "It's just... It's just..."

Searching for words as she gasped for breath through her tears, she peered at Peter trying to detect a change in his demeanor. To him it seemed as if she was peeping up from under her long lashes using all her womanly wiles.

"I'm sorry, but I'm so defensive. I can't help it."

Suddenly the realization crashed into his consciousness that she had no idea of Chinese New Year. Just because he had been Chinese educated, he expected this fragile young woman to know Chinese Customs. She had not been insulting. She was unknowing of the Chinese ways.

His eyes returned to their normal blue and he began to chortle much to Jennifer's surprise.

Staring at her, Peter realized with a shock that Jennifer was, in fact, considerably more like him than he had guessed. Suddenly he realized that under her hard shell was a passionate woman who wanted appreciation and love.

Just knowing this was enough to give him a complete change of heart.

Clearly, she needed him – needed someone strong who would protect her and sweep her away from the things that troubled her. His heart smiled. Obviously, a man like him could sweep her off her feet, so why not do something about it now – literally!

Jennifer shrieked as Peter swooped down low towards her, catching her in his arms and throwing her into the air before bringing her down again and sitting her in his lap, his arms holding her tightly. Gently he stroked her hair, quietly reassuring her.

"You need never be defensive with me. I'll never harm you." He chanted the words like a Buddhist mantra as he continued stroking her hair.

Jennifer laughed through her tears, her feelings becoming calmer now within the safety of Peter's warm and safe embrace. On the other hand, was he harmless? She felt his hot breath against her neck and looked up at him.

"Get dressed before I forget myself." Bent over her face Peter leered at her in the most dreadful way that he could manage.

Jennifer yelped and ran. At the bedroom door, she paused, turned and her fire reappeared – all pretence this time.

"Don't get any peculiar ideas, no funny business. The door is locked." Suddenly Jennifer knew that she had said the wrong thing when the anger returned to Peter's eyes.

With a bite in his voice Peter barked, "I am no bloody silly teenager who can only think of his own self gratification whenever he is with you. I said that I was a man – a man who... The only time I'll come into your bed or your shower is when I'm invited."

Slowly Peter's eyes returned to their sparkling blue.

"I'll cook breakfast. Then I'll take you shopping if you like." As she made no comment, Peter continued, "Hurry! There's such a lot to do - and don't forget your shopping list."

Peter retrieved the basket of food from outside the front door - all the necessities for an unusual breakfast - and began cooking.

The kitchen, like the living room was spotless and feminine, showing that, even in her brief time in Sydney, Jennifer had worked hard to establish a home. It didn't take Peter long to feel comfortable as he made his way through the contents of her cupboards.

He heated the chicken stock, placed the banh pho (wide rice noodles) in the large Chinese bowls from his basket and tossed the chicken pieces into the stock to cook.

Peter's knock on the bedroom door and shout of "Want me to wash those difficult-to-reach places?" was met with a muffled screech and the sounds of a splattering shower.

Minutes later, a completely different Jennifer sat staring at the huge bowl of steaming Pho Ga (Vietnamese Chicken Noodle Soup) that he placed before her.

Peter laughed at her confusion but soon they were both eating, enjoying his cooking.

"This is a Vietnamese breakfast - I do hope you're enjoying it," was Peter's comment as he fished for compliments.

"You can cook." Jennifer seemed surprised. "I didn't know how hungry I was. This is truly delicious."

The faintest of make-up highlighted her delicate features and her face sparkled. Her blouse and skirt, although more casual than her suit of the previous night, were just as tasteful but today she appeared so young and so carefree.

Studying her, Peter ate slowly, busily thinking how he would like to taste her shoulders. Pho lost its attraction in comparison to the delights she could offer.

At last, Jennifer sat back. "I couldn't eat another thing." Then becoming intense, she stared into Peter's eyes as if demanding the truth. She blushed as she asked, "Who or what is The Little One?"

Peter's eyes did not waver. His poker face did not betray a thing. "What a strange expression? Where did you hear that?"

"Last night one of the waiters remarked The Little One is here'."

"I'm sorry. You will have to ask the waiter." Peter's oriental mask slipped into place so that his inner turmoil was not showing.

"Cook doesn't wash up so get busy," Peter enjoyed bossing her about, "But I'll wipe."

"You give as many orders as my brother." Her eyes crinkled as she thought of home. "He's a beast too."

Jennifer tried to stop her mind from wandering but thoughts crowded in on her. What is it about this man? I treated him shamefully when he arrived and he became angry at my accusations. Then our disagreement passed over and it is as if it had never happened. He can cook and he can laugh but why, gulping she admitted her need, why hasn't he attempted to touch me or to kiss me? He shows such consideration and such thought yet nothing physical. He has to be gay and having a gay friend could be enjoyable but I want more than a friendship.

The morning flowed smoothly but, far too quickly, it passed into the afternoon. Terrified that he might do something to offend her, Peter fought any desire to put his arm around Jennifer's waist or to hold her hand. His euphoria at being with her kept his conversation flowing easily and she seemed to relax.

She didn't even demure when he dragged her into a milk bar. Demanding she perch on a stool and suck her milk shake as noisily as possible, he ordered for them.

"I haven't done that for ages. Mum used to rouse on us when we were little for making sucking noises." Her face broke into a happy smile. "Just as well she didn't hear us then. Wasn't the shopkeeper surprised?"

Jennifer stopped as she forced herself to put an end to her feelings for this man. She knew that he was getting to her. She wanted more than a friendship with a gay. She couldn't afford to fall in love with this man. It must stop.

"Oh, dear, look at the time. I must fly. Come on, we must get back."

The trip back to Jennifer's apartment was quiet. Peter's dream was shattered and he was no company

Silently, with shoulders slumped, Peter carried the groceries into the kitchen. Then, the task completed, quietly he made his way out into the foyer where he stood dumbly unable to think of what to say. He didn't attempt to touch Jennifer denying the feelings racing through his body. Before turning to walk away, he handed Jennifer his business card. "If you call at the BMW dealer alongside that address and show this card you will get a price that will be hard to refuse. Please honor me and use my card."

Jennifer closed the door and began weeping softly as she leant against it.

Her thoughts were in turmoil. The sunlight disappeared when I hinted I had a date for tonight. He seemed destroyed and then he handed me the business card. Is he trying to control me? No, I don't think so. He's really trying very hard to be my friend but I want more than a friendship with a gay. I want a man to love me, to protect me. Why did I pretend I had a date?

Incensed, believing that Jennifer had a date, Peter drove to the workshop, although, as he relived the day's events, he came to comprehend that he should've had sense enough to realize she had only met him the previous night. Just because he had enjoyed her company so much, he believed she had enjoyed his.

Bob and Ted would've known what to do. Bob would've made sure that Jennifer would want to see him again and Ted would've been masterful in his appropriate arrangements for the future.

Peter's mind rambled on. No wonder I obviously found so many doors closing behind me whenever I became interested in a woman. I know it is my fault. Disgusted he admitted to himself that he couldn't even summon the courage to ask her for a date.

Sitting in his office, he stared at the wall in front of him. He didn't see the advertisements of cars, the promotions for spare parts and paints. All he could see was a vision of that beautiful young woman who seemed to have stolen so quietly into his life.

Reviewing the day's activities, he wondered how he could have made his presence more forceful.

Suddenly he blanched. His mind had returned to his last meeting with his two Asian fathers.

"You must let go Peter! You have had to control everything until now," was their advice. "If you had lost control for a single instant you would have lost your life but now you must let go. You cannot – you must not - force your control on others. You must learn to share your life with others if you want others in your life."

He felt ill.

There was no way he wanted to control Jennifer. He wanted her love and he needed her beside him as his equal in everything.

This young woman had wormed her way into his soul and there was no way he wanted to control her. She had come into his life unbidden.

He had not controlled her then and he would not control her in the future.

Slowly, as he tried to decide how he could change his attitude he stood and walked into the workshop donning his overalls as he went.

He began to work.

Seated in her kitchen, Jennifer took stock of the situation. She decided that she was being silly. Peter was gay and there was no future for them but he still intrigued her. She slipped into a warm coat and with his business card in hand, called a taxi. She had to discover what was behind this Peter. He was strange, he was thoughtful and he was considerate. Besides, there was a depth to him she couldn't understand.

At the workshop under the blaze of lights, the racing car was ready. That is what Peter had truthfully told the others but he busied himself pottering in its innards making checks and even more checks trying to forget the realization of what a series of blunders he had made during the day. In fact, the whole day had been a hideous mistake.

Perhaps, he decided, he was bitter because Jennifer had a date. Trying to free his mind of the beautiful young woman, he tinkered with the engine and polished the car. Finally, he fired the engine, completely unaware of the redheaded woman from his thoughts watching his every move through the workshop window. Neither was he aware of her shaking her head as she left.

He ran the engine through its rev range as it warmed up, its throaty roar reflecting his feelings, 'How dare she have a date? Aren't I male enough?'

Then, satisfied the engine would stand up to the day's racing, he switched it off. There was nothing else to do.

As he straightened his aching back thoughts hammered into his head. No. No. No. I can do something else. There are plenty of good fish in the sea. Jennifer is not the only woman in the world. I'll just have to look about again.