Woody's Woody

But no. Woody kept his zip up when with Pamela apart from that one evening of passion. Pamela had assumed the role of mentor and extended that to help Woody with his accounts and payments when they lunched in her office on Thursdays. She expanded to begin advising him on his wardrobe, urged him to grow his blond hair longer, corrected his grammar and began teaching him about things a young guy needed to know to impress the woman he'd not met yet who was destined to become his mother in law.

Woody's business grew so he hired three retired navy plumbers to be on call and by the end of the year two more had been added. The fraternity called themselves Woody's Geriatric Helpers and Woody set up a depot, bought a clapped-out limo and hired a street kid to drive his Geriatric Helpers to their jobs and collect them when they called.

That aspect of the business was an astonishing success. Older women felt safer when alone in the house or apartment with 'a geriatric plumber' although all elderly plumbers claimed they could prove everything was in fine working order if required. A newspaper columnist published a photograph of the five geriatrics lined up alongside their limo, each guy brandishing a wrench, and wrote a colorful story about their backgrounds and their new role in civilian life that had brought them out of retirement.

A TV reporter seized on the story, added Woody to the mix and the comment she drew from Woody, "I do the jobs where female clients are likely to want traditional service from their plumber, leaving all the other work to the boys" was screened unedited and Woody became a folk hero overnight. Women in coffee shops, hair salons and at golf giggled about Woody's woody, some lying they knew how big it was and what he could do with it although (giggle, giggle) he hadn't actually done it to them. Their friends of course considered that denial to be a lie.

Reading yet another article about Woody bringing home plumbing to a new level of business entrepreneurship, Pamela came up with an idea. She persuaded Woody to engage a consultant and so after research and careful planning a new franchising opportunity was launched nationwide. The concept that all guys taking up a franchise were required to change their name to Woody before signing to take up a 'Superior Plumbing by Woody' franchise caught the attention of the media and great publicity ensured. Woody even became a public speaker and appointed an agent to extract fees and keep his events diary. Women's clubs in particular enjoyed listening to a young guy speaking like an experienced man. At the end of the address it was quite usual for the president to invited prudes to leave and then to invite the guest speaker to display 'woody'.

The plumber's monthly, 'World of Plumbing Magazine' named him 'Plumber of the Year' and the National Association of Household Plumbers awarded him life membership in honor of Woody lifting the tradition of household plumbing to an unprecedented level. Both awards received extensive media coverage.

Woody received massive media coverage when named 'Franchiser of the Year'. His acceptance speech, composed jointly by Woody, Pamela and her two daughters caused a near riot at the presentation function, drunken guest falling from their chairs laughing. Phrases such as "I enjoy keeping abreast of today's desires of women in regard to household plumbing" and 'most women know how to pass a wrench without dropping it plumb on Little Woody" amused the media no end.

But then potential disaster arose for the mushrooming growth of the franchise. A bitchy woman, sick of her friends giggling at her being married to a Woody with a woody, sued Woody Chaplin for $11 million for distress, anxiety and loss of dignity for illegally requiring her husband Fred, a plumber, to call himself Woody.

"Oh crap," Woody said, talking to Pamela. She replied that was too polite... "You are in deep shit and could be wiped out."

"I best consult an attorney."

"Make sure you get an expert in commercial law."

But Woody didn't have to worry. He received calls from almost 150 attorneys and then came the big one, 'Francis B. Gladding, an internationally acclaimed attorney in litigation.

"Woody, you're a great kid and this ailing country needs more young hot shots like you to get the wheels rolling again. I'm offering my services to you without charge. We'll take this stupid cow to the cleaners, her team of attorneys with her and seek payment of our full costs from the plaintiff and her irresponsible legal team."

"Wow Mr Gladding."

"Call me Francis Woody. By the way I want you to fly over to see me. I'm based in Geneva and my third wife Kitty wants you to attend to her plumbing, lucky boy. Because that's a house call I'll pay your expenses."

Woody returned from the arms of pimply-faced Kitty with her bony body in Geneva to find the media was proclaiming, 'Woody Chaplin Engages World's Greatest Attorney to Fight For Woodies'.

The case received so much publicity and sparked so much public debate that the hearing received priority and the Chief Justice took the bench along with two other judges. There was bedlam when the ruling was delivered: 'The terms of contract requiring the franchisee to change his or her name to Woody for the purpose of carrying out business under the franchise agreement is legal and therefore binding. A late complaint that the franchise was sexist, and therefore illegal because applicants are required to maintain a woody during the length of any plumbing job was deemed mischievous and irrelevant and the judgment noted the franchise agreement did not state applicants must be male so sexism was not an issue

The action was dismissed but and application for full costs to be awarded to the defendant was rejected.

Woody and Pamela arrived at their home airport to find a large crowd waiting for them. The municipal brass band played 'Hail the Hero' and led them to the first vehicle in the motorcade behind police vehicles and it set off with sirens wailing. Woody was driven along streets lined with waving citizens and at City Hall he was welcomed by the mayor and awarded Freedom of the City for being the city's greatest entrepreneur in it's 180-year history.

At the civic lunch that followed Woody took a call from his franchise company president.

"Woody, we are hitting it big. Plumbers by the thousand are applying for franchises. You can now consider yourself a multi-millionaire."

"Thanks Jill. Award yourself a bonus of a hundred grand. Send me the authority to sign. Also $100,000 to Mrs Pamela Mace for her unstinting support as my mentor and for suggesting I franchise."

CHAPTER 3

Catching up on newspaper that evening Woody recoiled in horror, reading that apartment sales consultant Miss Jessie Chalice had been admitted to hospital after being knocked down by a hit and run driver.

Woody raced to the hospital only to be told Miss Chalice was still unconscious.

"What's her condition er Lana?" he said reading the woman's name tag.

"Still classified as critical and she is showing signs of improvement. She is being left to work through on self-recovery. I know her. Jessie acted for Clive and me in finding us our apartment."

"Yeah, she's great isn't she? I'm her brother."

Lana working at the computer giggled and said, "Jessie's only immediate family are her parents, two grandmothers and her sister Chase."

"Er half brother."

The woman looked up grinning and her expression changed to amazement. "Oh god, its Woody."

Women behind her rushed to the reception desk while two or three guys sat looking sullen.

"Woody -- how should I list you?" Lana asked.

"Fiancé."

"Right that's close enough to be family. Janice, please take Woody to critical care to the bedside of Miss Chalice. Only her mother is there at the moment. Lovely to meet you Woody. How's woody?"

"Deflated and worried."

The women smiled broadly, holding back laughter.

Woody entered the private room and a larger version of Jessie demanded, "And who are you?"

"Jessie's fiancé."

"Jessie doesn't have a fiancé. She's too busy for romance."

"That's why I had to take matters into my own hands and take the short-cut for her. I've seduced your daughter but only the once Mrs Chalice. She was great. Didn't she mention me?"

"When was this?"

"The day she sold her first apartment, me providing her with that breakthrough."

"Ohmigod, you are Woody. Yes I recognize you."

"Do you know Jessie's boss?"

"Of course I do. Pamela's older sister went through school with me and I knew Pamela through that and persuaded her to give Jessie a trial at selling."

"Well you may be interested to know that I had what Pamela calls 'a deprived childhood' and she has been mentoring me, both in business and private life. She is preparing me to impress my future mother-in law."

"Who is... ohmigod, you mean me?"

"Yes Mrs Chalice. I see much of me in Jessie although she is way more educated and has more class than me. But you will be aware that Pamela has seized the potential in me and pushed but I had the talent to take me to the top as entrepreneur of the year. And I'm amassing money but that aside, Mrs Chalice just look at me. Now what did Pamela say? Ah, I have the good looks and height to stand alongside any fine looking woman and we'd look a great couple and the hopeful and discerning mom wishing to become a grandmother would see um, innate fathering potential within me. Someone has to take control of Jessie Mrs Chalice otherwise she'll work her sweet heart out. She has to be shown there is balance in life and I'm the guy to do that. She's a great fuck Mrs Chalice."

"Woody really,"

"Oh sorry, that was a bit rough but Pamela insists she doesn't want to totally erase the blatant manliness I have because some women like a little animal in their man. Well there it is, you can see and have heard what I am and I hope I have armed you accurately to receive a true impression of me."

Woody had walked around the bed from Mrs Chalice to hold Jessie's other hand. He squeezed it but received no return pressure. As he finished speaking he looked intently at Jessie. "Mrs Chalice I think she is hearing me -- look at the tiny tremors of her eyelashes."

"Ohmigod. I've not seen that before. Jessie, can you hear me? Jessie it's mom. No, I see nothing. We must have been dreaming."

"No Mrs Chalice, I saw flicker. Jessie sleep peacefully. I've already overstayed my ten minutes. You're a tough babe. I love you."

"Ohmigod, her eyes opened."

"Well not quite Mrs Chalice. Just one larger flicker I think. I'll be back tomorrow babe. No way are you getting away from me."

Mrs Chalice and Woody caught two very large flickers and looked across at each other and smiled.

"She's trying to tell me you're good for her Woody. Yes I think that's what it is. Please come back tomorrow. I'll report to the charge nurse what we have observed."

"Bye ma'am. Until tomorrow then."

"Goodbye Woody."

When Woody arrived at the hospital next afternoon Lana was smiling. "Jessie awoke three hours ago and quickly went back to sleep and awoke an hour ago and again half an hour ago. Most of her family is with her but Mrs Chalice insists you be permitted to join them."

Woody entered the room and Mrs Chalice rushed to him and kissed him and turned and said, "This is Jessie's fiancé Woody Chaplin."

The two grandmothers and Jessie's father Arnold looked at him very closely.

Arnold gritted, "My understanding is you are very loose with women."

"Is that a crime?"

Arnold didn't know how to reply to that. Kate, the maternal grandmother, said, "At least he's washed up and wearing his good clothes."

"Yes Arnold, back off," said Mary his mom. "Don't be too hasty to dislike this young man. He looks a prime specimen if you ask me."

"No one was asking you mother," Arnold snarled.

"Woody?"

"The soft call came from the bed."

"Oh it's a miracle, Jessie has spoken," cried her mother, crossing herself.

That plunged Arnold into a temper. "Why wasn't her first word for Angela or me?"

"Arnold, for god sake shut up or do you want me to have you removed from this room."

"I apologize mother."

They turned and saw Jessie had fallen asleep again.

The ward manager swept into the room, all 6ft 4in of her. "Right, the show's over. Only one of you may stay. The rest of you out."

"Woody, you stay with my baby," said Angela. "You are on her mind at the moment. Everyone else, out your go and no fussing Arnold."

"Yes dear."

Almost an hour later Woody felt his hand being squeeze and looked down as Jessie's lids opened and her blue eyes shone straight at him. It was one of the most wonderful sights of his life.

"Hello lover."

"Hi Jessie," Woody croaked.

"Oooh, where's all the bravado... I thought you were here to seduce me?"

"Jessie, will you get better as fast as you can? When you are discharged from here I want you to slow right down."

"I have my business to run."

"I'll organize a structure for you so you can stay with Pamela as your principal with the qualifications but she'll permit you to employ assistants."

"A business within a business. Oooh, I'd like that."

"I'll talk to Pamela about that. She regards me as her protégé. I also want you to become my girlfriend and socialize with me."

"Socialize, what's that?" smiled Jessie, yawning.

"Go back to sleep sweetheart. You'll be taught about socializing as part of your rehabilitation. Sweet dreams."

"I love you Woody. I've been dreaming of you saying that to me."

"I love you Jessie. Your mom will be anxious to get back in here. Please remember to tell her she's a wonderful mom."

* * *

Woody almost fell into depression being so worried. His problem was how could he remain true to his profession and not give housewives the service they'd come to expect from their plumber and yet be true to Jessie who was in line to become his mate?

It was resolved for him by the power of the feminine mind by a college history professor who said to him after he'd explained his dilemma, "The problem with your men is you can't think beyond your dicks."

Fiona McDonald had booked Woody for the afternoon when scheduled to finish her professorial duties early. She had a partially blocked kitchen sink drain. As Woody attended to the S-bends Fiona performed as any red-blooded woman would. She freed Woody's woody as he lay on his back working under the sink and hitched up her skirt, having discarded her panties as she'd spotted the plumber arriving, and sank down on woody with a grunt, guiding the presently unexploded missile into her depths. Keenly she gained momentum with increasingly stronger downward thrusts.

Woody's woody blew and Fiona felt her cunt explode and she staggered off to make coffee. As soon as Woody's eye-sight returned to normal he completed emptying gunk from the S-bend, reassembled and tested it for leaks and joined Fiona at the table.

"You certainly know how to use woody," she said. "A couple of times I thought your return thrusts were about to send me through the ceiling. But why are you looking a little down?"

Woody told Fiona about his moral dilemma.

She replied incredulously, "God, you're a male and yet are aware the need for punctiliousness behavior to exist between a male and his mate is the greatest moral dilemma of our times."

"Yes of course I do. Don't all men?"

"Laddie, you are kidding me. Most men don't have the faintest idea of such a noble concept. I must note this conversation and report it."

"Well Fiona, having sorted that, please give me guidance."

"Yes of course. You should withdraw completely from working in the field, becoming totally occupied in administration, and thereby severing your requirement to adhere to the tradition of servicing horny woman clients."

"Is that all?"

"Yes but you being a guy it's understandable you didn't have the brains to work that out yourself."

"But the women working in administration. Won't they desire to get their share of woody?"

Fiona sighed as if dealing with a child. "The difference is that's opportunist sex. You have no duty to adhere to any tradition. A simple 'No' avoids over-use syndrome, committing adultery, catching unwanted STDs, protecting you from manipulative pregnancy claims and finding a pussy you might believe feels more homely and more acrobatic and pulsating than the one you are currently screwing."

"God Fiona," Woody said, coming out of near depression. "I never realized casual sex was so complicated. I'll follow your advice. Let's have another one before I write up my invoice."

* * *

Jessie was home, recovering well, and had just been cleared to return to work. She called Woody who'd been seeing a lot of her, in the traditional sense. She called and invited him over. "My parents are out till late. I'd like to start revisiting the world of sex."

"I'll grab a DVD -- what about a FFM threesome?"

"Just bring woody and spray silicone on your zip so you arrive ready to screw me to the bed head."

"Oh gosh."

"Quit stalling Woody, get over here. My long neglected pussy is practically twitching."

They kissed and stroked and gazed into each other's eyes and made mooing noises while woody was frantically attempting to burrow out.

"Are you ready?"

"God yes, leaking like the Titanic."

"Are you sure? I don't want to..."

"Elwood Chaplin. You insert right now or I'll call your mom to chastise you."

"Oh right... but do you know my mom?"

"Not yet but you may as well know women stick together. If I complained you were not fucking me and I'm her future daughter-in-law she'll rush here to tan your ass and you'll have the type of threesome you've never envisaged."

"Save me," Woody yelled, unzipped and almost sending Jessie over the end of the sofa in his desire to dock to the hilt.

"God Woody, take it easy. That felt like being hit in the pussy by a fence post."

But all was well. Jessie hoisted her ankles in behind her ears and with Woody gnawing a tit and sending her over the top she climaxed with a shriek and Woody pulled out and sprayed her chest, face and hair.

Woody watched Jessie as her eyes turned huge looking beyond him and he heard her croak, "Hi mom, dad."

"You two are not even married," shouted Jessie's mother.

"You fucking sex maniac plundering my innocent daughter," Arnold snarled. "I'm about to rip out your penis by the roots."

Woody yelled, "Jessie, will you marry me?"

"Yes, oh yes darling. Daddy don't you dare touch my fiancé otherwise I'll tell mom about you and Mrs O'Grady."

Angela screamed, "Mira O'Grady, that bitch..."

Jessie's parents left the room screaming at each other and Jessie and her Woody fell asleep in a big hug, smiling, having agreed that sex plays a huge part in everyone's life.

THE END