You Can't Throw Everything Away Ch. 01

Besides, she wondered, what was wrong with at least half the time? Every day wasn't the Fourth of July. And, taking too long? Where did that come from? She'd kill for a guy who wasn't done in just a minute or two. As far as cheating... she'd known Bill for years and if ever there was someone who loved his wife, it was him. The more she heard, the more she looked at her friend in a different light.

"Well," he said, "I've got some thinking to do. You do, too. Let's talk, this afternoon, when I come home from work, assuming I still have a job, that is."

**********

Bill went to work and spoke to his secretary. Somehow, she had covered for him the last five days, scheduling false meetings and clients into his appointment calendar and fielding phone calls.

"Thanks, Eileen, you're a God-send. I'm sorry I just..." He closed the door to his office. "I've had a bad time with Joanie... and we're probably going to get a divorce. I don't see any way around it. It's too bad but I can't continue with what I know, now."

"Oh, Bill, I'm so sorry. I'm just glad you're back. Your day is still open because of all the 'appointments' I made for you. I didn't know when you'd be back so I blocked out each day one at a time. I was going to call the cops if I didn't hear from you by Wednesday."

"Thanks. I knew I could count on you." More than my wife, he thought. Joanie said nothing about calling the police. "Anything else I should know?"

"Not really. Things have been pretty quiet, you know. Fortunately, there's been no real business the last few days so you're good. You know, I got divorced five years ago. It does go away, a little."

"What?"

"The hurt... it's not like she died although it might feel that way, right now."

"How do you know that it's not my fault?"

"Don't be silly. I've known you for almost four years, now. It could never be your fault. When you want to talk, you know where to find me."

He spent the rest of the morning reading the business section of the Times and thinking about his problem. Financially, he would take a hit if they divorced, he knew that. The laws just weren't fair anymore to men; well, he realized, they never were at all; just now, the women had the upper hand in the matter, acting like randy men and then killing their husbands in court. No wonder no one was getting married, anymore.

He still didn't know what to do when there was a knock on his door.

"I've booked us a table at Clearman's for lunch. You're buying."

The restaurant was a crazy pastiche of Alaskan Gold Rush décor, waitresses clad like French maids and the biggest baked potatoes anyone had ever eaten. He loved the red cabbage salad and cheese toast and usually that's all he had for lunch. He'd seen enough of his colleagues having a heart attack to stay away from a steady diet of steak and potatoes.

"Well?" she asked, after the waitress had taken their orders. "What are you going to do? And, where did you go, anyway?"

He looked at his secretary. "It was amazing. I got a ride with a trucker and we went all the way to Indianapolis. I saw the country from a big rig and even drove for a while."

"You drove?" She laughed.

"What's so funny?"

"You... the corporate lawyer, driving an eighteen-wheeler. You're serious, aren't you?"

"Yes, it was fantastic but I wouldn't want to do it every day like Pete, and eating at McDonald's every morning got old pretty quick."

"Pete? He was the driver?"

"Yes, he gave me the ride. You know, I've never been outside Los Angeles before. How that happened, I have no idea. I guess life got in the way of living. Did you know that New Mexico has a lot of basalt along the interstate?"

"Basalt?"

"Yes, the black rock, you know from volcanoes."

"Volcanoes... there're volcanoes in New Mexico? Next, you're going to tell me you went to see Elvis."

"Well..."

"You didn't!"

"We drove by, no time to stop, this time."

"This time..."

"I liked... no, I loved it, the traveling part, not the truck part. I'd like to do that, again, with someone that would actually like to do it with me."

"So, you and JoAnne?"

"Ah, how can I stay with her after what she told me? I... ah, screw it... let's talk about you. All my troubles and I haven't been a very good host."

"I'll let you buy me dessert, then, how's that? If you're going to get a divorce, you've got to think about some things. Not the legal stuff. I mean, I can tell you some things and you can find out the others for yourself although you really need a shark on your side but the emotional part, that's something that is going to hurt. She cheated on you, didn't she?"

"I don't know. Does it really matter, now? I've only a couple of choices, the way I look at it. I can divorce her and hope for the best. I can stay married until it becomes too much for one of us and then we divorce, so that's even worse than the first choice since all I've done is add extra time to get hurt. Or, I could stay with her and not care... what do they call that, 'an open marriage?'"

"Doesn't sound like much of a marriage, to me. Something like that is just a joke. Why be married at all? At least, you don't have any kids."

"What happened to you, if you don't mind me asking? I mean, I know you've been divorced. I just never wanted to pry, you know."

"Same old thing... he cheated... found someone younger, newer, you know. I left him right away."

"Just like her stupid, fucking book. No thought of forgiveness, then?"

"Are you kidding? Sex is the most intimate thing you can do with someone. It's so much more than just a physical exercise, it's..."

"It's love."

"Yes, it's love and I don't have that any more for her. It's the dishonesty all these years... and, now she made me feel unworthy... less than a man. This steady diet of TV crap has ruined both our lives."

"Maybe, she was trying to avoid hurting your feelings."

"Then, she would have never said anything, especially on our tenth anniversary or she would have found a way to teach me what she wanted. She should have known I'd never cheat on her. She was the world to me."

"What's her biggest complaint?"

"Aside from my 'cheating'? According to her friend, Jeanette, I take too long... the book says that means I'm being selfish. Who wrote this thing, anyway? I thought you girls were always complaining about the other way."

"Too long to do what? You're kidding? She's complaining about that?"

"I guess she gets bored, I don't know. I don't care."

"Oh, Bill, I'm so sorry... and, I find it hard to believe that she's complaining about something like that. That's not something that I..."

"Believe what you will. That's what Jeanette said. Joanie still won't admit to anything other than what she said that evening. It's too damned bad that she couldn't tell me this, years ago. We might have fixed that. The TV and book stuff... I have no idea how to deal with that. I just gave up."

"So, what ARE you going to do?"

"I don't know. I guess file for divorce. I can't live with her, anymore. Where's the trust we're supposed to have as husband and wife? Some people are going to say I'm weak but I don't see how. If I just accept what she's said, then what's next? Her finding a lover that somehow 'satisfies' her better than I have done? The book, she says, says it's OK; after all, if it's all right for me it's all right for her. I never did anything and it doesn't matter if she believes me now or not. I don't know if you were hoping for something different. I'm sorry." He looked down at his cabbage salad and took a mouthful. Sadly, he put his fork down. "It seems to have lost its taste. I'm sorry."

"It'll taste better, tomorrow and better than that the next day. Quit saying you're sorry. I told you I've been through this, before. Besides... I have no idea how you could fix what else she wants. Takes too long... she doesn't have a clue about making love."

"So, you have. I feel like we're going around and around in this conversation. Are you trying to save my marriage? I don't think you can. I don't know if I even would want to."

"I'm not so sure I want to, either." She took another bite of her cheese toast. "Look, let's make an appointment with my divorce lawyer. She's your shark. Your wife won't know what swallowed her."

"All right. You know, this tastes better, already."