You Jackass!

"Read it to me, please."

I opened the attachment and read from the screen, " Dearest Pete, Heidi and Tina,

How can I possibly apologize for my life? I cannot. In the last twenty-four hours I have learned what anguish is. I've learned that I caused it for all of you for years.

I'm sorry

From the time I grew breasts I knew everything in my life was about them, not me. I graduated high school not because I was smart but because the male teachers gave me grades and the women teachers wanted me gone. When you wanted to marry me I believed it was my tits you wanted, not me. When I got pregnant and they grew I hated them and you because I believed I didn't exist! When Heidi sucked me to orgasms every day I hated her for being sexual as a baby! I hated Tina too and for the same reasons. I couldn't mother them the way I should. I wanted them to suck on me! At the same time I hated them for loving my tits more than me. So I got them into day care and school so I could be away from them.

James proved that I was right. For a year he got my name wrong at work. He never looked me in the eyes. He promised me money and a better job if I'd give him what he wanted. I gave at the office. He took. He came without babies to suck me dry. Pete, you scared me. Even after you said you got a vasectomy, I was afraid you'd get me pregnant again.

I'm sorry.

I got the operation! James didn't want me to do it. He contacted the clinic of butchers and paid them extra to cut me completely. Right now I have less than I had when I was five! They even took my nipples! When I recovered from the shock of seeing my brutalized chest I realized you loved me enough to give me what I wanted even after I tossed you aside and tried to ruin your lives.

I brought this to myself. One of the women at work said it best. "Donna you're a cold, nasty bitch." This cold, nasty bitch is dying in the snow."

It was signed, "Donna."

I had trouble reading it. Tears kept distorting the page in front of me. Long after I was done Heidi said, "She was really worse off than I thought."

"I think so too."

There were big pauses in our conversation. She asked if Tina knew. She was still at school. She asked if Kathy knew. Kathy knew but hadn't read the letter. Heidi said, "It's addressed to the three of us, but Momma needs to understand Donna, too. Ok with me if you share."

Jackie got on the phone and said, "I'm staying for a while. Take care of the rest of your family."

Kathy picked Tina up at school and they came home together. I had printed two copies of the note. No way I wanted to attempt reading it out loud again.

When they came in I was in my recliner. Tina used the bathroom and came to give me a kiss. Kathy was already curled into my lap. I pulled Tina in too and they got cozy. I held them both. The letters were face down on the side table.

Tina asked, "Daddy, what's wrong?"

I handed them the note. Seconds later Tina looked in my eyes and said, "She's dead?" I nodded. She buried her face in my chest and cried for a long time. Kathy and I held on to her. Kathy finished reading.

The shirt I had on was wet. Tina was eighteen and her mother had died. I kept thinking, 'at least she said she was sorry."

Tina sat up a bit and finished reading the note. She untangled herself from us and ran to her bathroom. She threw up and threw up again. I heard her brush her teeth and use mouthwash. When she came back her face was washed and she was in control, at least on the outside.

She crawled back into our laps and said, "Ok, what's next?"

"Whatever's next has to wait for the storm to end. I've got to go back to Alamogordo and clean up the mess."

"I should go with you." Tina said.

"That's your choice. I'm not going to have a memorial or even a graveside service for her. What needs to be done will be done. Period, unless you and Heidi want something more."

"I don't. She says in the note that she was never our Momma. She punished us for her bodily reactions to breast feeding! No, I'll stay right here with my Momma and wait for you to come home to us."

Kathy pampered us all evening and when it felt right we closed up the house, shut off the lights and went to our bedrooms. I held Kathy and we kissed softly a few times before sleeping.

In the middle of the night I heard the bedroom door open. I didn't open my eyes or move. I was on my side with Kathy spooned against my back and her arm draped over my body. I felt the covers lift and felt Tina slide into bed with us. She slowly backed against me, draping my arm over her t-shirt or nightgown covered body. She relaxed into the bed and started to go to sleep.

So did I. Kathy squeezed me, just enough to tell me she knew Tina had joined us.

When I woke up with the alarm I shifted quickly to shut it off and in the process knocked Tina out of bed. She bounced once on the floor, yelped and looked up at me. I hit the button and said, "I was hurrying so I wouldn't wake you."

"It didn't work! I'm awake!" All three of us laughed. She crawled back in bed with us and snuggled in. She said, "Momma, I understand now why you like sleeping with Daddy. I felt so safe after I crawled in here last night." She paused and continued, "I feel so safe now."

I said, "After the stress of yesterday, I guess I can understand why you wanted to be close to us. But, in the future please knock and ask if you can come in. I would have been better dressed if you had knocked."

"Daddy! Heidi and I've seen you naked since we were little. You've never worn pajamas and ... Donna used to leave the bedroom door open while you were still asleep."

"I'd be more comfortable if you'd knock, please."

"Ok. Maybe I'll get you some pajamas for Christmas!"

"No, you won't!" Kathy said. "I like him just as he is. When you need the emotional support and comfort, knock. You'll get what you need and your Daddy will be more comfortable."

"Ok."

It took plenty of phone calls between me and Alamogordo to finalize everything. When Donna and I had married the minister who married us had us make wills. We had never updated them. I asked Kathy's old partner to sell the house, again. It sold because we priced it just high enough to get out from under it. I had a friend take Donna's car and get it super detailed. I flew the puddle-jumper flight down, signed paperwork and watched while Donna was cremated. I drove Donna's car back to Denver. I had it repainted and gave it to Tina as her Christmas present.

Heidi comes home pretty often. Somehow Kathy and the other wives of my crew know whenever we need to work long hours and they bring dinner to us. In March the four of us are going on a cruise. I'm going to stand at the railing of a cruise ship at sea kissing my wife, my lover, my partner, the Momma my daughters always wanted who happens to look just like my little sister.