- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Used - a poem
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Click hereUsed - a poem
by Myalyn
As I blinked back tears of total humiliation,
I wondered how things had gone so horribly, terribly wrong.
I’d done everything right.
I gave and gave unselfishly,
I loved and loved unconditionally.
And yet it was all for not.
I obeyed and honored the one I loved,
I respected and cherished him too.
I gave my love and expected nothing in return but his love for me.
Something in this formula must have gotten mixed up
Something went unsaid.
Whoever made up the rule that he’s allowed to cheat while I stand idly by?
Since when is that an unsaid rule?
Why wasn’t I told?
I thought that if you loved someone,
Or at least said the words meaningfully,
That it meant you’d be with them and only them.
Since when does “I love you” mean
“I get to cheat and you don’t.”?
Someone messed up and I got hurt.
I got hurt, I got hurt bad and he doesn’t even care.
If you tell him you love him,
I think you shouldn’t have to include
“So don’t cheat on me.” with those words.
Those all-important, meaningful words.
I meant it when I said it to him,
And he screwed around behind my back.
Now how will I ever be able to say
“I love you.” again?
***
This poem goes with my story Used (which is just a fragment of the novel I'm working on...)
Let me know what you think please! I would love to hear some comments!
Thanks! Myalyn
- COMMENTS
annaswirlsover 18 years agoexcellent review and suggestions DuLac
as
don't worry my vote will not be counted twice
Anonymousover 18 years agoI submitted a story here, and people said they could tell I was a poet! I was not sure how to take that!
Reading this poem, I can tell you are a writer-- someone who could write a novel!
My suggestion is to go cut out all but the absolutely necessary words (even if it sounds horrible!) Then go add only the absolutely necessary words to make it read better. This could really be made larger by being made smaller.
and show
don't tell
cliche but oh so true
welcome to the land of poets. stick around!
annaswirls
Anonymousover 18 years agoWelcome to Lit. May I make some suggestions? I do so because I felt and saw potential in your writing and only hope to help you along the way.
You have decided to write about a subject that is Used over and over. Because of this you must find an original way to descript the emotional qualities you are striving to relate in the poem. The rhetoric here is very normal, this is more like a letter that one writes while still in emotional pain. Sit in silence and envision what you will write how you as an unique person Feels... and then write. It will be unique because it comes from your very depths.
Also try to break up your writing into stanzas. It allows the reader to pause and the poem sinks into their mind. I appauld your attempt here and enjoyed the read. I only make these suggestions to help you evolve as others do the same for me. Keep writing and thank you for coming to Lit!
du lac~
LeBrozover 18 years agoWelcome to Lit ~
a nice little piece
makes you wonder about
the self-loathing of the cheater...
