Its a good start. It may be a bit clique, but everyone still loves the idea of nest friends falling in love. I look forward to the next chapter.
Well, cleanly written but I do not see what the reader is to gain from this. If we are to see a conflict between two friends maybe we need to see the second friend. It missed me.
It's fine, almost good .... but it's not enough. I didn't feel "Wow, I wonder what's going to happen?"
No, just "Maybe she forgot to down load the next page"
'cliche' not 'clique'!
Check out both words in a dictionary!!
Is there more?
I hardly come into the romance category, but I will say I did enjoy what you wrote. I was hoping it would have been longer than half a page though. Two to three pages or more is more satisfying. But I will agree with some of the other comments. It was missing something. And I really felt like you just stopped right in the middle of a story when we were still learning about the characters. Even though you'll most likely continue with his story, it would have been a lot nicer if you continued explaining everything in the first chapter. You'll be able to hook people in better that way. I will be waiting for more.
... please continue.
I see that someone else has already pointed out the unfortunate "clique" error.
I think it may have been a mistake for you to have introduced this hunk character before you introduce our protagonist's "true love". Give us someone to be rooting for before you introduce a conflict in the relationship!
All in all, a nice start to your Freshman effort.
It's a good introduction to a story and, as legitimate as the other advice given you is, please don't be discouraged by the commentary, as they are only trying to help you, not flame you. I am of the personal belief that one does not accumulate many fans by writing snippets of stories and dribling them out as the whole story evolves. When I come to Literotica to read, I expect a whole story, not pieces of them, though having a pretty good story with additional chapters can be fun, so long as they are pretty much stand alone... Harvey Marcus is a master of this type of tale, as are a few others.
Please let your story go where it goes and tell us all about it in one writing, so we can get where it should go... then if you are encouraged to continue with those characters, those of us who have been ensnared by the first part of the story are most apt to read subsequent parts. Frankly, I was not at all encouraged to look for another part of this tale, as there just wasn't wnough there to bring me back. Having said all of that, I DO encourage you to keep working on it, as you've exhibited some talent.
I would have loved for it to be a bit longer. By the first part I expected to at least experience the relationship between her and Ryan not just read a narrators POV before I read about the other guy but I do love your writing style and can't wait to see where you'll take the story
Orgasming. Not sure it's a word, but it made me laugh. If it's not, it should be. Character development is best done woven into the narrative. You've already succeeded in making me feel sorry for Ryan and expecting Jenny to learn a hard lesson from Keith, then lean on good old Ryan for comfort. The problem is I don't know anything about either of the main characters. It's hard to become interested in writing that skips along the surface llike a flat stone. You write well. Keep going.
Is his eyes sparkling blue or chocolate brown
with the previous comments. It is a good start, I definitely hope you continue! Don't rush the story though, take your time to work through the details and properly develop the plot :)
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