All Comments on 'Brutal Beauty Spot'

and an intersecting concept,

you could cut some words from your narrative and tighten up the structure to be a bit more poetic, relying on mechanics, and an infatuation with a beauty spot

It has good bones but I think it could be made better

But that’s my opinion which is irrelevant really

Nice

Thank you for the comments guys, means a lot.

@todski,

I kinda see your perspective, I had mulled over it as well. But I ultimately let the need for a detailed narrative take over. Thanks a lot, appreciate the feedback.

add pancakes and syrup breakfast will be late. TK U MLJ LV NV

"Thank you for the comments guys, means a lot.

@todski,

I kinda see your perspective, I had mulled over it as well. But I ultimately let the need for a detailed narrative take over. Thanks a lot, appreciate the feedback."

and also appreciate the poem as it is, it is highly sexy

You smell of maple, magic,

And all things ephemeral

All those verses as excuses

The whirlpools storming

Were made for these fifteen minutes

And the liberation at the end

language like this is strong in metaphor and allows me as a reader to imagine the scene as tumultuous almost feral.