by Lady_Fiona
Hey, people...
I never thought poetry requires post production commentary? Constructive criticism, yes- but not decomposition and deconstruction. Why not rewrite Tennyson and Poe, too?
Just my 3 pennies.
Keep writing, Fifi. I really enjoy reading your work.
I agree with chipbutty's comments about punctuation. With less, I would have read it faster which, I think, would be the desired affect upon the reader, adding to the urgency and running out of time, if you will. In that regard, I might even have left out L3 and L4 in S4 and end S5 with a simple sentence of subject, verb, something like "you're dead," suggesting you were still talking to him/her, however futile it was, rather than making a statement about a patient.
i hit refresh :rolleyes: here we go again:
this is all about the reps - CPR IS all about the reps. you've taken that tool and used it to full benefit here, Fi.
not keen on the title either, but that's not down to the word Frustration being sort of cool for the topic. i'd imagine in the world of medics that they have to be able to disconnect after such events or it'd rip them apart, day after day, and losing a patient because help's so late arriving has to be the most frustrating of all. Frustration on its own might work better as the title for this. your last line absolutely bleeds it.
once again, i'm recommending you cut back on the punctuation, Fi. allow the line-breaks to work here as short, sharp lines can begin to feel cluttered when loaded with the punctuation prose demands. i'm not suggesting you lose all of it, just most of the commas at the end of lines. for example, imo this works better, makes for a cleaner read and doesn't distract the eye from the punchiness of your write:
Counting 600
Shes only 42
Counting 600
Come back to me please.
Counting 600
Compressions, don’t stop
Counting 600
Why do you live so remote?
Counting 600
Now 2 breaths, that’s it
Counting 600
Now we must start again.
Counting 600
Where the fuck is it?
Counting 600
No signs of life, or it.
Counting 600
Finally it arrives
Counting 600
But still the patient dies.
I have a small problem with 'Why do you live so remote?' as that feels a little forced to fit; my eye keeps trying to fill in the 'ly' at the end there.
the line 'Finally it arrives' reads better as 'It finally arrives' as i read it aloud, though a heavy breath out applied to the Finally does give it more oomph. just, and again this is only my opinion, the line reads more smoothly beginning with It.
The word "frustration" in the title is rather cold. I can see why you chose it but for such an emotional situation it's a bit detached, but perhaps that's the whole point. :-)
T again.
I don't usually go for repetitions in a poem but this is all about the repetitions and it works really well. You made me see what was happening with very few words and only good poems can do that.
.....with jrose, the repetition adds to the urgency. This poem also conveys the personal aspect of losing that thin thread of life.
Tess