Fucking Sober

I stopped drinking.
Ten days ago
I drank myself into a stupor
largely to tolerate
being on a date with
someone who wasn’t you.

Since then,
you have asked me
twice
if I still find you
attractive
now that I’m sober.

And the anger
that shoots from my gut
to my heart
to my brain
blinds me into clarity.
Yes, my love.
I still find you attractive.
I never needed booze
to know I was
attracted to you.

I needed booze
to justify it
to give myself a
reason for it
to have something to
blame for it
to not feel
guilty about it.
And
to have a reason
to need you
to drive me home
from your house
(from her house)
three times a week
so I could
hold your hand in the car
kiss you in my doorway
fuck you in my bed
and blame it on the booze.

I jeopardized
my health
my reputation and
my friendships
because I’m
that
fucking
attracted
to you.

And a sober person
a clearheaded person
a good person
would have no excuse
for being in love with
and regularly fucking
her best friend’s husband.

Leading a double life
a throuple life
is fucking hard sober.
I don’t know
how the fuck
I did it
drunk
for years
and years and
years.

Drunk me
was immoral
Drunk me
didn’t give a shit
And drunk me
had the best sex
of my life.

Sober me
does everything possible
to avoid being
alone with you
because I would
touch you
kiss you
fuck you.

But sober me
knows it’s wrong.
I would do it
anyway but
I would feel
a little bit
guilty.

But goddamn
I want you
so much
and I think
she knows it
and I think
she’s known it
all along.
The wife
always
knows.

Last night
she and I went out
alone.
She picked me up.
We went shopping.
Stopped for a bite.
Afterward,
she drove towards
my house.
She was tired.
Not feeling well.
And I said,
Are you gonna be ok
to drive home alone
after you drop me off?
And she said
Why?
Do you want
my husband
to drive you home?
And I lied
And I said
No.
Absolutely not.
I’m just concerned
about you.
And she said,
Her head turned
to look
directly at me,
“I’m fine.”

And she took me home.

And in the ten minutes
between her
dropping me off
and going home
to you
we texted
our good nights
our I miss yous
our I love yous
and as usual
I went to bed alone
feeling only slightly
less
guilty
and way
too
sober.