by oneiria
it's an uncomfortable (for me) mixture of the surprising and vivid with the cliché. i'm guessing it's quite intentional but i'm having problems with it.
i feel you could omit L3 altogether, as its inclusion reads just too clichéd verbosity. what i really liked, though, was your 'packed with scorpions and dust', 'of neurons and haemoglobin', and - most of all - your final image of
beneath a cool rock,
a rattlesnake
erupts from its egg.
such flavour and aridity in this write. is it aimed at the genre in general, a particular film-maker, perhaps, or an actor?
if you could scrap that entire mid-section:
A sudden movement at the bar
and his iron flashes,
peppering the mirror
with an April shower
of neurons and hemoglobin.
to leave you with:
Ancient hand
lifts a shot glass
packed with scorpions
and dust.
He lights a match,
and the piano player
resumes his piece,
while beneath a cool rock,
a rattlesnake
erupts from its egg.
or, adjust it like this (excuse the liberties i'm taking with your write, these are only suggestions):
Ancient hand
lifts a shot glass
packed with scorpions
and dust.
A sudden movement
and his iron flashes,
peppering the mirror
with neurons and hemoglobin.
He lights a match,
and the piano player
resumes his piece,
while beneath a cool rock,
a rattlesnake
erupts from its egg.