Hurt Me Then Hold Me

The bruises
from last week
had faded to
a dull yellow.
A single
pale
pink
stripe
remained
on my upper thigh.
You ran your hands
up and down my
bare skin and said,
Fuck yeah.
I was face down on the bed
pillows under my head
comfortable
waiting.
I shivered a little
and you said,
as you rested
floggers
crops
canes and
paddles
on the bed
beside me,
Shaking already?
I haven’t even started
yet.
You started slow,
almost gentle.
The falling flogger
marked me
again and again
with evidence of
our sneaky secrets
and
lonely lies.
I didn’t stop shaking.
You didn’t stop striking.
I fell
into the space
where pain no longer
hurt.
Everything went
hazy
soft
quiet.
My body
stilled
relaxed.
I sighed.
You stopped.
Slid your fingers
into me
easily.
Well,
you said,
What’s all this?
I didn’t answer.
Didn’t move.
I was gone,
floating,
wondering
if I had fainted
or died.
You stretched out
beside me.
Pulled me against you.
Hey,
you said,
Are you ok?
And the worry
in your voice
reached me,
pulled me back,
dropped me hard.
I felt everything at once.
I sobbed into your shoulder
and you held me
just tight enough
until I was all cried out.
I took a deep breath,
blinked my eyes open
and said,
I’m ok.
Neither of us
believed me.
I stayed quiet.
You held me
just long enough
until the shaking eased.
I was too exhausted
to touch you,
suck you,
fuck you.
It’s late,
I said,
You should go.
Ok,
You said,
I’m sorry.
And that made me
look up,
touch your face,
smile.
Don’t be.
That was a lot,
but it was exactly
what I wanted.
You were perfect.
You smiled your
I don’t believe you smile,
kissed me so gently
and went home
to her.
I waited until
I heard you drive away
before I let myself crash
hard.
I was still fuzzy
the next morning.
Everything hurt.
You haven’t
struck me
since.
I hope
it wasn’t
too much
for us.
I hope
it didn’t
scare you.
And I hope
we do it
again.