by annaswirls
I submitted a few days ago and already made changes :)
I do not see myself
in the panoramic stretch of your day
no ticket stub fortune teller
torn reciept
no colored pebbles from the creek
The stone sculptures do not resemble my structure
lady feathers balance lightly among your leaves
We do not balance lightly
I want my fingerprints on your mahogany
paperweights fall heavy under our disturbance
manuscript and utility bills flutter
slow motion around bare toes
You tell me you see me everywhere
How do you see me there
Palm pressed on polished wood
hips bruised by sharp corners
and hard-edged heaviness
softness parted and waiting intrusion
She calls to you
she needs something at the store
she needs something picked up off the floor
you owe her you owe her
all the best years
God how you pound
these words into my flesh
press my face into it
over and again
you feed me your curse
until cleansed and ready
to answer her call
and you must go to her
you must
~as
Felt too much like homework, reading this and the edited version side by side on my screen - especially so since this is so well written. You make me think and on a Saturday that is almost a sin.
Kodak and Paul Simon spell it Kodachrome, but it appears that the international usage has it as Kodochrome; I do so enjoy learning something new every day.
I like the changes you make with the edited version, with the exception of, "The stone sculptures do not resemble my structure." Changing one word makes it sound better, in my very subjective feeling, to, "Your stone sculptures do not resemble my structure."
As for the typo, I'm sure you've already caught it.
Enjoyed the language and the imagery. Still you talk circles around this bayou boy.
sorry about making it feel like homework, I just figured I would keep it all in one place... thanks Leon and Neo for the comments :)
Another powerful write. I loved the last stanza, what a knockout! the lines 'God how you pound these words into me
press my face into it
over and again
you feed me your curse' just knocked me out
great reading as usual
I enjoy the language and imagery as noted in another comment but as a whole find this poem rather difficult. There appears to me to be significant clarity and insight but also passages that I find almost opaque.I remember having a similar reaction to another work of yours ("Eelskin Bound??) .Think I'll come back to this one again tomorrow.
If I were to pick my favorite lines form the poem, they would be every line and the title.
Frustration screamed from it at the end, palpable but muffled like a kettle taken off the burner. Wow! This gave me goosebumps.