Letter from Lovers

The Unspoken insanity of loneliness
I see your writings about yourself, also about us.
Yes my love I will ask you …what have we done?
I thank you for the recognition of where my heart was so long ago in trying anyway not to put pressure on you about leaving your family behind, well some days I tried and some I didn’t lol. Thank you, I did so need to read this.
Baby, we are in this dark state of depression together. I know the dark days, I know the emptiness, I know the wishing that my mind would stop talking, discussing, asking, going over and over and over I know this nightmare has been with me for so long

I long for the woman I once was, the strong, the confident, the adventurous, loving, sensual woman I once was
I stay away, well I try to stay away because I saw no end to my yearning of us, I only saw faded hopes, and emptiness of what might have been, it was a huge part of this state I now find myself drowning in everyday, depression..

How did something so innocent, so loving, turn into something so dark?
You were light of my days, the soul of my nights, and the whispers in my ear each morning, the laughter to my ears.
I don’t blame you for anything that has happened, some say I should, make you accountable for showing me a world I wanted so dearly but to not want to share this world with me, the decisions I made were mine, yes I went back to Rohan so many times . I persecuted my children, I caused them so much pain. It was like I didn’t care anymore, and because of those decisions I am now on my own suffering the punishment that was handed to me.

I look at other woman, and I only see ugliness in myself. I look at every woman that passes me and I only see she is so much better, prettier, than me.
I hide away because of my guilt and my embarrassment, and my hate of myself. I walk with my eyes down, not feeling worthy of anything. Yes I am a woman possessed by depression.
Do I think of you, yes? Do I think there is hope, not anymore? I can’t allow that demon in. It lies to me. It makes excuses. It broke my heart. You are not the demon. In any form, the devil uses people to destroy people. This is how I see it, but I am fighting the demons. Not winning yet, but every day I wake and I am breathing. I say. You haven’t beaten me yet.

I’m on the sth coast. Batemans Bay. Trying to survive. No job. But hanging on to a thing called Hope. I love you.
The question again. As You Yourself asked
What Have We Done.
In turning our backs on each other, we only had us, you didn’t have her
I Didn’t have her / we had each other

7th October 2015 9.40pm

My darling butterfly. I have read and then reread your letter to me, my heart breaks to know that you are in such a dark place and I am the cause. You may say, no but I feel I am the cause of all your pain.

I too think on all those good times we shared, the skyping and the little naughty bits, it brings a smile to me, knowing you trusted me so much, that you love me so much.
Thank you for not turning against me, although you have every reason to and I wouldn't blame you, but thank you a 1000 times over for not doing so. It’s knowing little things like that, that keeps me sane, and I like my sanity :)
I have transfer your letter into a special file and printed it out to put in my wallet, so when I am away from everyone I can pull you and read your words, feel your pain, ease your loneliness. Yes I have tried to stay away from you, you know it would be a lie if I said I hadn't but each time I make an effort to go, you pull me back to you, each time something inside of me says, NO. I can't get you out of my soul, I don't want to get you out of my life.
Here I go again, saying things that I know will only hurt. We both know I can't leave here, we both know I can't change.
I truly believe in another time and place. I can't explain it, but I know our finger tips will keep touching eternally, giving life and love to each other.
I wish I had stronger words that will fulfil you, to give you heart, to give you peace to put a smile on your lips and warm your heart and soul. But every time I think of things to say they don't measure up to the love I feel for you.
Please don't lose heart, I feel we will meet, we will walk that beach at sunrise and at sunset, we will drink those glasses of wine and picnic together. I can't tell you when, but I do feel it will happen, which is why I keep asking for your address.
Never say never, don't give up on me.

Much Love my Butterfly from your Mistress xxxx

Good morning… thank you for your message.

Babe I don’t in the slightest think about us as ever being one , not in any given day does that thought or hope cross my mind , you made hat perfectly clear in your words and actions a long time ago, so please do not repeat the words to me again .. I can’t leave,
I can’t for the life of me even want to wonder why you choose to submit yourself to a life of such unhappiness. I read your posts and this is all I see. My heart went out to you, this is why I messaged, but babe sometimes I wonder is it really all that bad for you or maybe you are the better person out of the two us. I have done nothing but destroy and break 3 people’s hearts. I know now what is important and I guess this is where your head is at. The importance of your grandson as you say,
this whole trip has opened up my eyes to what I had and let go of, but my bed is made and this is my punishment, as I will accept.

I hold onto our now not what was before. You are dear to my heart, you made me feel special, opened up my spirit in a short space of time. A price was to be paid for that unfortunately, now my spirit is my darkness. I wish you every star that shines over you, I look at the moon and know it is the same moon you see at night, and this brings me peace.
Am I ok? Who knows? I have been diagnosed with acute depression. My mind is everywhere, never stops talking to me, which I have learnt is all part of it, so what can one do but live a life as best as I am able. This is my punishment. Be happy my darling. Be happy. Butterfly

Wednesday 21st October
Do you know how much joy you bring, just by being?
Can you see the smile on my face after I see what you have posted?
I have tried to stay away but can’t. I read your last message and hid from it, not wanting to confront the unhappiness I have brought to you, to your loved ones. I know you don’t hold me accountable, but I do.
My posts are my way of coping without you, I try hard not to be so down and dark, but things just tug at my soul and draw me to them.
I sit and wonder when remembering what we shared, how we made each other happy, how we looked for each other in the mornings. It is like waking up slowly, rolling over and there you were. Smiling at me, and how my core would spring to life at the thought of being with you.
If I could put into words my feelings, the happiness and joy you bring, OK yes the pure lust that enters my body when I look at your photo, how I imagine that I would be slowly disrobing you and feeling your body, then we would sneak out at midnight, naked to the world, and make love on the beach, swim in the darkness and walk home hand in hand. How we would share breakfast at day break, listening to the birds chirp their sunrise serenade. If you only you could feel this happiness you bring me, just by being.

I love you Kerry. No ifs, no buts, just pure love, now and forever. I know you don’t believe we can ever be together, but I believe we are and can be. If not now, then in the next life and the one after that and the one after that again.

XXXX