- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Natalia Remembers
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When she began Rachmaninoff
Grandmamma put on her face
a sad smile reigning over the keys
while I hid beneath the piano
to unravel my Matryoshka
dolls who came from the inside of others
and thought about Mama's mascara
after Mr. Wonderful left.
That was the name Mama used
when he patted my head that summer
and I never thought to question the smile
In the painted eyes of my mother.
Looking back then, I sometimes wonder
if I really hid from myself
why she hugged the toilet that night
before she came down to the parlor
to see me cradle one of the dolls
and knelt to hear my make-believe
lullaby that suddenly stopped
music from the piano.
- COMMENTS
twelveooneabout 13 years agoI gave it a 5,you have Rachmaninoff, Matryoshka leading to Mr. Wonderful. Obviously an ironic toss-off. But it jars, a bit of an off note, was wondering if there might be an slightly less fully American ironic toss-off same with "hugged the toilet" it feels like you are modulating between two keys. Minor to Major7th.
greenmountaineerabout 13 years agoAuthorGreat suggestion about bringing the sound of Rachmaninoff into the poem. I was thinking specifically about his 2nd piano concerto which has a sad quality to it. The vomiting by the toilet I struggled with but decided to leave it in because I imagined that's how a 5 year old girl would have described it, even though Natalia is looking back as an older woman. The vomiting is related to the mother's lover having left as indicated at the conclusion of the stanza preceding it. I'm comfortable with keeping "why" in the poem because the entire line functions as the object noun of the reflexive verb "hid" in the previous line. It may be unusual syntax, but I don't think it is grammatically incorrect.
Thanks to all for the comments. As always, they make me take a critical look at my work and have a carryover effect for poems to be written or those that could use further editing.
vrosej10about 13 years agoBut this is a nice little piece and I love the imagery.
UnderYourSpellabout 13 years agoI agree about the 'why' and I'm also stumbling over the last two lines .. maybe a comma after 'lullaby'?
Angelineabout 13 years agothough I think you aren't done with it--still needs some editing imo. Some thoughts: 1) could you do something more than say Rachmaninoff to suggest what it sounds like--might make it clearer for unfamiliar readers and I think you want that sound to convey the tone of this piece, yes? 2) I get the connection between the painted dolls and the mother's painted eyes but I think it could be expressed better than it is (but I think it's a great poetic device, that comparison. 3) Not sure about the "hugged the toilet" line: she's throwing up? Why? Is she pregnant with Mr. Wonderful's child? Is that the connection to the dolls that came from inside the others? There seems to be something missing or I'm just not getting it.
Esperanza_Hidalgoabout 13 years agobecause I know I left a comment here too!
I like this poem a lot, but might change one word in the fifteenth line--why to as or while. Why broke the flow for me. Still a five and only a small personal quibble, others may disagree, or maybe I'm missing something.
Esperanza_Hidalgoabout 13 years agothe only thing I questioned was one word choice--maybe as or while instead of why 15th line. To me it seemed like an unnatural brake on that part and flowed better stated otherwise.
Small point and I really don't know what the hell I'm talking about. Five.
