All Comments on 'Natalia Remembers'

the only thing I questioned was one word choice--maybe as or while instead of why 15th line. To me it seemed like an unnatural brake on that part and flowed better stated otherwise.

Small point and I really don't know what the hell I'm talking about. Five.

because I know I left a comment here too!

I like this poem a lot, but might change one word in the fifteenth line--why to as or while. Why broke the flow for me. Still a five and only a small personal quibble, others may disagree, or maybe I'm missing something.

though I think you aren't done with it--still needs some editing imo. Some thoughts: 1) could you do something more than say Rachmaninoff to suggest what it sounds like--might make it clearer for unfamiliar readers and I think you want that sound to convey the tone of this piece, yes? 2) I get the connection between the painted dolls and the mother's painted eyes but I think it could be expressed better than it is (but I think it's a great poetic device, that comparison. 3) Not sure about the "hugged the toilet" line: she's throwing up? Why? Is she pregnant with Mr. Wonderful's child? Is that the connection to the dolls that came from inside the others? There seems to be something missing or I'm just not getting it.

I agree about the 'why' and I'm also stumbling over the last two lines .. maybe a comma after 'lullaby'?

But this is a nice little piece and I love the imagery.

Great suggestion about bringing the sound of Rachmaninoff into the poem. I was thinking specifically about his 2nd piano concerto which has a sad quality to it. The vomiting by the toilet I struggled with but decided to leave it in because I imagined that's how a 5 year old girl would have described it, even though Natalia is looking back as an older woman. The vomiting is related to the mother's lover having left as indicated at the conclusion of the stanza preceding it. I'm comfortable with keeping "why" in the poem because the entire line functions as the object noun of the reflexive verb "hid" in the previous line. It may be unusual syntax, but I don't think it is grammatically incorrect.

Thanks to all for the comments. As always, they make me take a critical look at my work and have a carryover effect for poems to be written or those that could use further editing.

I gave it a 5,you have Rachmaninoff, Matryoshka leading to Mr. Wonderful. Obviously an ironic toss-off. But it jars, a bit of an off note, was wondering if there might be an slightly less fully American ironic toss-off same with "hugged the toilet" it feels like you are modulating between two keys. Minor to Major7th.

Five.