Not My Eden

Watching my life slip away
Like sand in an hourglass
What used to take forever
Now goes by far too fast
If only I had listened
To those who tried to tell me
Maybe I wouldn't be regretting
The many things I am

It really makes me wonder
If there truly is a destiny
Intended for us all
Or are we just the subjects
Of random acts of chance
Maybe just a cosmic game
We, the unwitting participants

What always makes me follow
The wrong bloody path
Never the road to riches
Or the one to fame
Just the one that mires me
In the quicksand
Of despair, doubt and pain

Rage and fear
Take me down again
To my own personal cell
Created by others
Maintained by no one else but me
Strengthened by the cruelty shown
In the name of love
From many of the men I’ve known
From my present to my past
Armored by my misconception
That their lies were true

Trust in myself destroyed
I can't break these chains
That still hold me here
Loving the wrong men
Rather than loving me instead
I no longer know what or who
I can believe in any more

If only I had known
If only I had been taught
This is not the way
That love’s supposed to be
What a mess I've made
Trying to be somebody
I know I’m really not
With no memory anymore
Of who I used to be
It’s hard to reinvent yourself
With all this baggage in the way

What a conundrum this is for me
Trapped in a prison of my own making
Unable to find the key
That will allow me to escape
What I have let become
My very own Hell on Earth
Until I find the courage
To make myself break free
Discover on my own
Who I’m really meant to be

.

c.v.8/28/18