Once Again©2020

I am alone. No matter what I do, I am Alone.
Doing all my medications, taking my own vitals, doing whatever I can, I am alone.
No matter how I try to be kind, to not be angry, to be understanding, I am alone again.

I am beginning to believe it is my destiny to be alone. I have my children around and
I have the highest value on them and they are a part of who I am, But I am alone.

The one that mattered has little value of me. I am just that thing that needs to be attended to.
I am just another thing to upkeep and take care of but there's no love anymore.
When she thinks of rest, that I suggested, she leaves this place and goes away.

The void where she used to be is so vast and dark that it consumes me.
No medication, herb, or alcohol can take that dark reality away.
No amount of exterior amenity can fill the emptiness that she leaves in my soul.

There is no future I can see that I am not alone.
No future that I can envision that the void is not there with me, reminding me I failed her.

Alone is my never ending well deserved punishment, I accept that
But I am surrounded by people that serve to remind me I am only tolerated
My body fails me as if on an organic level I am paying for my mistakes.

I pay the price every night in an empty bed, with a heart craving her touch.
I wonder if this will this be the night I never wake from, only to relive it once again

Weeks Months and Years have gone by and I still pay for my mistakes
reliving the pain of knowing I did this, it is my doing, my fault

Still, I try to go to sleep, the emptiness next to me an abyss of the nightmare
I am living and reliving day to day alone.