Salvation

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in search of a lost feeling
237 words
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227
2
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Both exhausted
more than drunk
half afloat
half sunk,
Each in search
of Salvation
pretending life’s
not a vacation,

Bar is closing
night is clear
no moon showing
stars so near,
Stumble to
the parking lot
not Salvation
that we sought,

Driving would be
a mistake
so we walk
down towards the lake,
Turn up collars
hold on tight
to each other
a chilly night,

Pressing us
tight together
drifting down
like a feather,
Inhibition
long since gone
perhaps Salvation
with the dawn,

The cabin door
not locked tight
no one booked
there tonight,
A bed unmade
but that’s okay
will be fine
for us to stay,

Our history goes
back aways
usually slightly
out of phase,
Other times
on the mark
find each other
in the dark,

In the bed
we start to kiss
hands explore
hearts amiss,
Beating randomly
it seems
perhaps Salvation
in a dream,

In short order
we’re asleep
other things
well have to keep,
Locked away
some other time
Salvation
for us to find,

The next day
about ten
we make coffee
and then,
Retrace our steps
up to the bar
really isn’t
all that far,

Both our cars
still parked there
it shouldn’t matter
we don’t care,
What others think
what others do
who they love
and who they screw,

So follow me
I’ll follow you
not much else
to do,
Spend the afternoon
in bed
Salvation there
straight ahead …

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PureoticaPureotica11 months ago

Maybe experiment with trimming the connective tissue and seeing how the poem lands without. Linking verbs, prepositions etc.

I liked the choppy-ness of this poem and cutting the words to the bone might play to that choppy-ness.

Example: Bar closing, Night clear. without the linking verbs.

Not saying you "should." Just suggesting it as an experiment.

Purely subjective, but the rhyme between salvation/ vacation feels forced. The rhythm changes in those lines in a noticeable way. Maybe experiment with word choice/ order to manipulate the tempo. Try alternating stressed/unstressed syllables or see if you can trim some words?

I'm just reading by feel. Not implying you did something wrong.

Cars parked

Still there

Doesn't matter

don't care

my experiment isn't necessarily better. Just trying to show what I meant about letting the choppy-ness work for the poem. Completely subjective with no right answer.

In any case. I faved this before I reached the end of the first stanza. Effective imagery. Nice, choppy flow. The tight wording really works for this piece. Nice job.

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